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I’m quite sure I would rule hammer-throwing. Who wants to be the target?

The Summer Olympics are coming up. I had no idea they were so soon. This probably means I’m broken, right? People get VERY EXCITED about the Olympics. Like, VERY excited. People plan their days around the viewing of the Olympics. 

This is a messy logo. I don’t care for it at all. I feel someone wasn’t trying hard enough.

I’m going to tell you something very, very shocking. Ready? Ready for the shocking? I don’t care even one teeny tiny little bit about the Olympics.

BUT AMY! GO MERKA! 

I mean, come on. These are the mascots. They are named Wenlock and Mandeville. I don’t – what are these even supposed to BE? Oh, “two drops of steel from the steelworks in Bolton?” Huh. That’s…hard to cuddle.

Yes. Yes, I know. I am not a complete jerk; I know that these athletes train their whole lives for this, and that they perform some pretty stunning feats of stamina and endurance and whatnot. Of course I appreciate that. I’m not denigrating the athletes. Go, athletes! You are very impressive. 

I just do not care. Because the Olympics is sports. Are sports? I can make a valid case for either tense of that verb, I really can. 

I don’t watch regular sports on television, and I really don’t care about these sports, either. I kind of was all “go Michael Phelps” when he was winning last time around, because he was a little adorable and you wanted him to win, you know? But I didn’t WATCH him swim. Because I didn’t CARE to watch it. Don’t care about it. Because it is SPORTS.

It didn’t hurt that he was kind of pretty in a goofy way, and WHOO those abs.

 I know, you all think I’m a hooligan or something and I’m broken, but whatever, I just don’t care. Listen, we even had the Olympics a little over an hour from my home when I was a wee Amy – in Lake Placid, does anyone remember that? – and I was a little KID and didn’t care about those Olympics. I think the only thing I cared about during those Olympics was that you could collect stickers on bananas of the different events, and then stick the stickers on this plastic vest on this collectible Olympic raccoon doll, so I was all into collecting my raccoon banana stickers. As for the events themselves – well, I was too little to know what malaise was, but I was certainly good at experiencing it. DID NOT CARE. 

It was totally this very raccoon! Only it came with a plastic vest you could stick banana-stickers on. We were easily amused in the 80s.

(Side note: I do like Olympics in films, like The Cutting Edge. SHUT UP THAT IS A GOOD MOVIE. TOE PICK!) 

*sigh*

In order to find out when the Olympics were this time around (in all seriousness, I didn’t even know if they were winter or summer Olympics, that’s how out of the Olympic loop I am) I went to my old friend Google, who was very helpful in informing me that they were summer Olympics and would be starting in a couple of weeks. Huh. I had no idea. I knew they were in London, though. That’s impressive, right? Go, me, with my knowledge of foreign affairs! 

Then on the same site that was all “YOU DUMMY THEY’RE IN TWO WEEKS,” it had a schedule of when the different events would appear, and when the medals would be awarded, and it was in pretty colors and such. Very helpful, website! So, so helpful. 

But also confusing, because some of these things I had NO IDEA were actually events. It’s like when you’re reading the Guinness Book of World Records and you’re all, “What? There’s a record for widest tie? Who thought THAT was a good idea?” (I made that up. That’s totally not a record. OR IS IT, I don’t know, I don’t read that book.) 

Like, sure, I knew a lot of there were events. Things like archery and swimming and tennis. Fine. Acceptable. People get medals in such things. Even synchronized swimming, even though it makes me laugh until I snort because I always think of that Saturday Night Live skit with Martin Short and his floaties. “I’m not that strong a swimmer.” Right? You think of that when you think of synchronized swimming, too, right? If you don’t, you might be broken, because it is kick-ass hilarious. But I’m not putting down the synchronized swimmers. If that’s their thing, good for them. I can’t even swim, what do I care? I’d drown just getting in the pool, let alone trying to do the same things someone else is doing, good grief. Unless what that other person is doing is drowning. Then I’d be VERY good at that. Very very good. 

Also, they always have to make exaggerated faces. Which…oh, shit, let’s face it, I’m VERY good at those. Just not while attempting not to drown.

Let’s look at some of the weird things. Also, I ran this post by my dad, so you get to see what he thinks about what I think is weird.

One: “Athletics.” That’s actually on this schedule. I was all, “What the hell kind of competition is athletics? That’s a total catch-all title. Could you just show up and do anything athletic you wanted to? Like, flex? Or throw paper airplanes really really well? Or jog in place?” Then I had the giggles for about twenty minutes. But I realized if you hovered over the timeline of “athletics” you’d see that there was actually a schedule for them and mostly it was stuff we’d have called “track and field” when I was in high school, like shot-put and javelin-throwing and such. Why the hell don’t you just call it track and field, then? Weird. 

(SIDE NOTE: one of the “athletic” events? Is “hammer throwing.” Hee! I want to throw hammers. I’d feel like one of the Mario Brothers. Also, can I pick who’s standing in the way when it lands? I feel like, as a champion hammer-thrower, I should get to choose who I’m throwing the hammer AT. Another event? “Race Walking.” Isn’t that what old people do at the mall? That’s an event? Well, sign up the old people at the mall, then, they could totally win this!) 

It isn’t even a HAMMER. This is totally misleading, yo.

Amy’s Dad’s take on this: “Amy, it’s not even a hammer. You take things way too seriously. Also, they don’t get to throw them AT anyone.”

Two: “Badminton.” This is an Olympic event? I’ve totally missed my calling. I used to be VERY good at badminton when we played it at my camp when I was a kid. Except our rackets were really jacked-up and the birdie would often get stuck in the racket. When that happened, we would laugh and laugh and sometimes throw the racket at the other player. It was kind of badminton to the death at my camp. So I think I’ve had my badminton trial-by-fire, and so therefore would be very qualified to win the badminton Olympic gold. Also, I totally took a joint badminton/archery gym class in college. Shut up, it totally counted for my gym class requirement. My other gym class (we had to take two) was YOGA. I know! I might have taken the two classes that made me exert the least energy ever. Gym class got its revenge on me, however, because in my yoga class was my ex, and therefore I had to see him being all bendy twice a week and flirting with someone else, and that was awkward because the breaking off of the whole thing had been full of hatred and glaring. Wait, I don’t know if you can call someone your ex if they were never officially your boyfriend and they were just the guy you were hooking  up with in the hope they would become your boyfriend until the day you walked in on them getting gay with a guy and you thought to yourself, “MAN I wish I’d knocked.” I mean. Hypothetically. Heh. Heh heh. Oh. We were talking about badminton, weren’t we? I wasn’t very good at it in college. It was a lot harder, because in college there were these things called “rules” and also certain places you had to stand on the floor and such and the birdie NEVER got stuck in the racket, not ever, so you never got to throw your racket. Also, probably if you did, you’d have failed gym. 

Um. Look how seriously these people are taking badminton. This would make me laugh and laugh if I saw this in real life, I’m not even kidding. IT IS BADMINTON.

Amy’s Dad’s take on this: “I knew someone at work who used to play badminton competitively. We used to ask him if he had a purse. You know. Like he was a LADY. I think this is a lady-sport.” My response: “That’s kind of sexist, Dad.” Dad’s response: “Yes.”

Three: two, count ‘em, TWO, canoe events! “Canoe slalom” and “Canoe sprint.” Isn’t slalom when you go back and forth? In a CANOE? That’d be all sloshy and there’d be a lot of potential to crash into things, I don’t know about that. Also, “sprint?” I don’t know that you sprint in a canoe. Canoe RACING, I can see, but “sprint” seems an odd way to phrase something, right? Hmm. 

This looks like the Raging River ride we used to go on at the amusement park when I was a kiddo. Whee!

Amy’s Dad’s take on this: “They’re not really canoes. They’re kayaks. This is named confusingly.”

Four: “BMX Cycling.” Listen, my brother used to BMX cycle, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t an Olympic sport. Mostly he just rode up to the neighbors’ house and they played kickball and then he came home. What’s involved in this? Like, is it off-roading? Are there ramps? Younger Brother used to set up ramps made out of chipboard and those things you use in a garage to drive a car up on to check the underparts of the car and then he’d ride over them and my mom would be all “YOU’RE GOING TO BREAK YOUR BONES.” Is that what “BMX Cycling” is? I think it’d be awesome if they had to build their own ramps out of things they found lying around the area, like trash and tourists. 

Heh! You go, future Olympian. YOU GO.

Amy’s Dad’s take on this: “They’re always adding crap to the Olympics so kids will watch it instead of putting graffiti on office buildings. Like this event, and also snowboarding.”

Five: “Table Tennis.” Really? That’s what Forrest Gump did, isn’t it? Isn’t this just a fancy way of saying ping pong? I didn’t know you could get a gold in something that people do in their basements when they’re stoned and drinking PBR and listening to old-school Pink Floyd. What’s next, gold medals in air hockey? ZOMG HOW MUCH DO I WANT A GOLD MEDAL IN AIR HOCKEY. Or Skee-Ball! YES YES YES. When’s the next Olympics? At the next Olympics, I will be winning the gold medal for SKEE-BALL. Think of all the tickets I could get THEN that I could trade in for valuable prizes like large stuffed animals or velvet Elvises! 

I WILL RULE YOU, SKEE-BALL.

Amy’s Dad’s take on this: “Amy, you KNOW that table tennis is an Olympic Sport. Don’t you remember the whole uproar about the Chinese that time? I think it was in the 50s?” Me: “Dad, how old do you think I AM?” Dad: “Oh. Heh. Yeah. Good point. ANYWAY, moving ON, if they could get someone to sponsor Skee-Ball, it would totally be a sport in the Olympics. You wouldn’t win it, though. You don’t have very good hand-eye coordination, and you’d probably hit a judge in the neck with the ball.”

Six: “Trampoline.” I have a STORY! About a TRAMPOLINE! Not that long ago, like a little over ten years or so, back when I wasn’t so socially awkward, I went to a theater party. And people got drunk drunk DRUNK. It was at a house – if I’m remembering correctly? – that one of the cast members was housesitting for? Something along those lines. Either way, it wasn’t any of our homes. It was FANCY. Anyway, I didn’t get drunk, because I was driving home. But there were some younger cast members there, and they got WASTED. And there was a trampoline in the backyard. And it (for some reason) had like a shower curtain around it. (It wasn’t a shower curtain. I have no idea how to describe it. It was like it was a contained unit of trampoline. So no one could see you jumping? I don’t know.)

Like this! What’s the net for? Is it a safety thing? So you don’t go flinging all off across the lawn and whatnot?

So a few of the younger cast members decided to go in there and smoke. I’m pretty sure it was just cigarettes but I’m not ruling out other substances. It was a crazy night. And – AND – they were SO DRUNK that they butted their cigarettes (or whatever they were smoking) out ON THE TRAMPOLINE. Which burned a HOLE in the trampoline. MULTIPLE HOLES. So the following week when we got back to the theater we were ALL informed we owed like $100 each for trampoline repair. I was all, “SO SORRY CHARLIE, I’m not paying for drunken stupidity, no no not me.” (Also, I didn’t have $100 to spend on trampoline repair. I couldn’t even buy food. I’m not even kidding. I was surviving on whatever people didn’t finish and said I could have at rehearsals, and 99 cent bean burritos at Taco Bell. Oh, and water. It was a dark time in Amy-land. $100 might as well have been a MILLION dollars to me at that time. Still kind of is now, to be honest.) Anyway, I have no idea what happened there. But, let this serve as a cautionary tale, on a lot of levels. A., don’t let theater people get drunk at the house you’re housesitting at; B., don’t butt burning things out on trampolines, C., don’t ask me for $100 for repair of something I didn’t ruin, because DAMN, son, the only thing I did at that party was pine over the southern redhead I was in love with at the time but if I remember correctly he was pissed at me for something that night even though I looked AMAZING and was so, so dressed up and wore heels that gave me blisters for like a MONTH. 

Oh, that really wasn’t at all on-topic. What would trampolining have to do with the Olympics? Would you…bounce and then flip? Put cigarettes out on the trampoline and then catch them in your mouth on the way down? It’s all very confusing. Also, trampolines are dangerous and you could break your neck on there. 

Amy’s Dad’s take on this: “I think this is just gymnastics on a trampoline for people that don’t like to do gymnastics on the ground like normal people.”

The rest of the things are things I’ve heard of so I guess I’m down with them. I mean, “handball” and “artistic gymnastics” are a little suspect, but mostly because handball seems like a made-up thing for people who can’t afford rackets (am I spelling rackets wrong? Should that be racquets? That looks fancy, so I’m going to guess “rackets” is how we spell it here in MERKA and “racquets” is how they spell it in EUROPE. Oh, wait, one time Ken called Europe something funny like MERKA and now I have forgotten it. Um. Um. Um. I REMEMBER! It was YERP and I LOVE that. So in YERP they are racquets and in MERKA they are rackets. Or if they’re not, that’s what I’ve decided, anyway, so that’s the NEW rule.) Oh, and “artistic gymnastics” reminds me of the time in Old School that Will Ferrell was doing that floor routine with that ribbon in honor of his dead friend Blue and that made me laugh until I almost peed. 

 

Yes, yes. I have the sense of humor of either a five-year-old or a frat boy. I know. I KNOW. It’s a thing. I deal with it. Moving on. 

Anyway, I hope you all have fun watching the Olympics, and best of luck to all of the competitors, and I hope you don’t fall off the trampolines or get a ping-pong ball to the eyehole. I will be watching programs from almost a year ago, because I am THAT FAR BEHIND on my television viewing. Soon I hope to be caught up enough that I know what you’re all talking about when you make pop-culture references, won’t that be the best? Yes! YES IT WILL!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

28 responses to “I’m quite sure I would rule hammer-throwing. Who wants to be the target?

  • elaine4queen

    oh, LUCYSFOOTBALLLL!!!!

    i have been BANGING ON about the olympics for MONTHS!

    (short catch up; it’s happening practically in my back yard. no, i am not renting out my flat. i am STAYING IN for the duration. to ignore it as best i can. the ARMY is out there, and POLICE with GUNS. i will be cuddling poppet from now til september. when ken arrives i will be all pale and have a beard. oh, wait, no, that was bin laden. i don’t live in a cave. close, though)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I know, but I didn’t know that they were so SOON! I wasn’t sure if they were SUMMER Olympics or WINTER Olympics. I just knew they were coming up EVENTUALLY and they were in YOUR LONDON. I don’t pay much attention to things. I’m in Amy-land, population me, most days.

      When I was in Rome, all the police were armed with machine guns. I found that off-putting. It’s hard to enjoy your gelato when the cop on a break next to you has a machine gun strapped over his back that’s about a foot from your face.

      I can’t even process that Ken is arriving. KEN WILL BE ARRIVING! If I were you, I’d be running in circles of glee. It’s probably best he never visits me. I’d short-circuit.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    You shouldn’t laugh at people without any legs, Amy. That’s cruel. Oh, hang on.. *double checks picture of badminton players* They do have legs. Never mind then. Carry on.

    Like

  • sj

    I LOVE Old School. Love, love, love.

    Also, um [scrolls back up to remember what she wanted to talk about], OH, SKEE BALL!

    When husband and I were dating, we spent a lot of time at Castle Park in Riverside. It had an arcade and mini-golf and some crappy rides that we never went on, BUT! In the arcade, there was this game called Boom Ball that I TOTALLY RULED AT, that I’ve never found anywhere else. It was kind of like skee ball in that you had to get the ball into the little target things, BUT THE BEST PART was that you shot the balls from this little air cannon! ZOMG, it was THE MOST AWESOME but I’ve never seen it anywhere else and I can’t even find pictures of it on the internet, so it’s like it doesn’t effing exist. What the hell?

    Anyway, you sat down (I’m all about arcade games where I get to sit, okay?) and pressed the button on the air cannon thingy and it made a very satisfying WHOOMP! noise, and shot the ball up at the targets. It was the best. When I’m King of the World, I will have a Boom Ball range in my house.

    Like

  • Charleen

    I don’t really follow the Olympics either. I was at my parents’ a few weeks ago, and they were watching something I was assuming was the Olympics, and I was like, “Oh, I didn’t know it started yet,” but then it turned out it was only the qualifying competitions. And I was back to having no clue when they were.

    Like

  • Heather

    I used to love the summer Olympics when I was a kid. I’ve never liked the winter Olympics — I hate the cold and snow, so I don’t need to watch it on TV.

    I could take them or leave them now, though. I don’t mind watching them if someone else is, but I won’t go out of my way to turn the TV on myself.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I don’t know that I ever watched them. My family is very non-sportsy. My dad watched a little baseball when I was little, and a little basketball (and, oddly, bowling, and of course racecars, vroom!) but that’s about it. We’re just not sportsy. I don’t know what’s up with that.

      Like

  • Rich Crete

    You could TOTALLY be in the event at the 1:00 mark!
    I know it’s pure schtick but it’s freeking funny anyway.

    Like

  • rachael

    TOE PICK!!!!!!

    that is all

    Like

  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    Oh (sad face), maybe I don’t qualify as a bona-fide Lucy’s Football Reader, because I *do* watch the Olympics (and, gasp, other sports!) – mostly those involving female athletes, because the guys are too full of chest-thumping testosterone, and I am a former female athlete. (Um, to clarify: still female, formerly athletic!) I really get off on watching humans do ANYTHING really well – sports, music, theater, opera. It’s just awe-inspiring to see someone who is really, really good at their craft.

    But, I don’t mind that other people don’t like watching sports. To each his/her own! So, I’m cool with you being an Olympics/Sports shunner, if you are cool with me liking (some) sports??

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      There are no rules here. I don’t hate anyone for watching sports. I’ve never said that I did. If you like sports, you like sports. I even said in the post, a number of times, I appreciate how hard the athletes work. I just don’t personally enjoy watching sports, that’s all.

      Like

  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    I didn’t mean to imply that you said you ‘hated sports’ or those who watched. I was trying to be kind of funny, sort of like “Wah, I don’t fit in with the ‘cool kids’ here, because I do like/watch sports.” I guess that didn’t come across well. Sorry.

    Thanks for your awesome daily posts. They always make me laugh, and occasionally snort out loud! :-)

    Like

  • Lahikmajoe

    Has no-one mentioned what filthy thing Lisa Simpson is doing in the logo for the London Olympics? Am I the first to mention it here? Really?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      We didn’t want to hurt her feelings. But now that it’s out there…yeah, Lisa Simpson, what’s up with that?

      Why are you all incognito? Where’s your picture? That’s weird.

      Like

  • Jericha Senyak (@JerichaSenyak)

    “Wait, I don’t know if you can call someone your ex if they were never officially your boyfriend and they were just the guy you were hooking up with in the hope they would become your boyfriend until the day you walked in on them getting gay with a guy and you thought to yourself, “MAN I wish I’d knocked.” ”

    PLEASE TELL ME THAT HAPPENED. I mean, unless it was actually traumatizing instead of totally movie-hilarious. In which case i hope it didn’t. Side note: I love that a Southern redheaded crush was also mentioned. It’s like talking about the Olympics brings out all these marvelously cryptic references to your lovelife. It makes you seem all mysterious.

    Also, I was in Britain when they were doing the torch run thing? And it was the silliest thing I’ve ever seen. they blockaded ALL THE STREETS and then then torch would DRIVE from town to town and the runners would get out, run across town with the torch, get back into the car, and drive to the next town. WHAT IS THE POINT.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Both the college-guy-whoops-shoulda-knocked and the Southern-redhead-of-deliciousness are real, true things. The college boy thing was super-traumatic at the time, but in retrospect, was a learning experience. I mean, I don’t want to SEE him again, or anything, and I still think he’s a lying asshat for not telling me, but I’m not rocking in a corner or anything about it. The Southern redhead? Oh, sigh. He was lovely. And disinterested. But oh, so lovely.

      I’m not as much mysterious as I am kind of unlucky in love, I think. But at least I have stories.

      Hee, torch! Car! Torch! Car! Repeat, repeat! Repeat!

      Like

  • Handflapper

    The Olympics is the only time I watch sports, and also the only vaguely patriotic thing I do. Well, maybe it’s not always patriotic, because I don’t always root for the Merkans to win. Sometimes the girls on the U.S. gymnastics team are just too ugly to cheer for.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I don’t think we always have to root for the Merkans. I think we can root for whoever we want. I like to root for whoever looks saddest, personally. I’m a sucker for the underdog. I like to see how happy they are when they win.

      Like

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