Here I am at my parents’ house! I have officially been cut off from the internet for seven hours. I would assume this is what going through drug withdrawal is like, probably. Shaky, headachey, jonesing for a hit. It’s probably best I’m not going home for a week later in the month. WHAT WOULD I DO.
My parents have left for Dad’s reunion, where he will deal with the Super Sarah situation. (Also, BTW, the reunion starts at 6, and Dad is arriving – I’m not even kidding – at 4:30. I’m not sure what’s going on there. He wants to reserve the best seat? I don’t even know.) He is not jazzed at all about going and when I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, he said, “I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS AMY.” So apparently it’s all very much hush-hush, I don’t know. I know she’s going to the reunion, and she made a very big deal about calling up the woman who hates her the most and RSVPing in a VERY sanctimonious tone. So that’ll be fun. Mom said at the last reunion Super Sarah came up to her and was very wide-eyed crazy and said “have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior” and “have you found Jesus” and my super-super-SUPER-religious mom said, “I found Jesus long ago; he was never lost” and Super Sarah got all cry-eyed and said, “Oh, in his NAME, in his NAME” and I guess decided Mom was her BFF now or something. “Yeah, she’s crazy, but that’s no reason to be MEAN, Amy,” Mom said. (I wasn’t being mean. As I said before, I don’t mind religious; I just don’t want it crammed down my throat, thank you very much.)
So I am all alone in my parents’ house. My dad asked me what I was going to do while he was gone. I told him I was going to invite over a lot of people, most of them MEN, and we were going to drink many alcoholic beverages, and probably some of them would smoke DOPE, and we would most likely trash the house, and also at least one of those people would put Dad’s address on the internet. He nodded sagely. “That’s what they do,” he said. “You leave kids alone, and they throw huge parties. All kinds of trouble. Don’t you let those people put my address on the internet. That’s how they’ll track me. That’s how they’ll get me.”
Instead of inviting over all the people (I don’t even know all the people, and even if I did, I wouldn’t invite them over; I don’t like people, you see) I am sitting here blogging, even though I can’t do anything with it until I get home and have internet access again, and watching Religulous. Why didn’t you people tell me how good this is? This is very good. And I am laughing out loud repeatedly. Plus, it’s very intelligent. I’m enjoying this a great deal. I had to wait until my parents were gone to watch this, though. This would make my dad’s head EXPLODE. First, it’s talkin’ bad about RELIGION, yo. (Actually, it’s not. It’s QUESTIONING religion. But to Dad, that’s BLASPHEMOUS.) Second, it’s Bill Maher. I think he hates Bill Maher.
I was supposed to get to babysit The Nephew all day today, but that fell through due to circumstances beyond my control. However, the minute I got home, Mom and I got in the car and went over to see The Nephew, because we had to bring him some things for his party tomorrow. When we opened the door, The Nephew was standing there with a gun made out of Tinkertoys, which he promptly shot us with. “Look, The Grandson, Aunt Amy is here!” my mom said. He looked at me and smiled and said, “This is a gun, but also it is to kill bugs.” Then he fell over and cried for a little while, and got back up and said, “Let’s go out to the pool!” Kids are pretty magical with their ability to bounce back, I have decided.
Here are some things that we did in the hour that I got to visit with The Nephew:
- He sat in his kiddie pool with all of his clothes on, then tried to put his face in. When I told him he was not a fish and would drown, he said he could breathe underwater. “You can? Where are your gills?” I said. He grinned and pointed at his neck. Aw! The Nephew knows where his gills would be, were he to have gills! (I still didn’t let him put his face in the pool. That water was filthy, you guys.)
- Once he was soaked, he decided he wanted to slide down his new gigantically tall slide he got for his birthday. We thought his wet, wet pants would slow him down. Little did we know, his wet, wet pants, in combination with that slide, made him like TEFLON. He FLEW down that slide. He LAUNCHED off the end like a CATAPULT. I was PETRIFIED. He picked himself up, dusted himself off, and said, “I’m going to do that AGAIN!” He then did it about ten more times. I decided after that it was my job to catch him, or otherwise he was probably going to break his neck. I think he was pleased with this development, because right before he went down the slide, he said, “You’re going to catch me, right?” Right, kiddo. Every damn time. And I did. I caught him, and I swooped him up and then tipped him upside down and he laughed and laughed and my shirt got all soggy because his little clothes were SOAKED from that pool, whoo! And we did that over and over and OVER. My arms got tired. Didn’t care. Kiddo needed to be caught. I caught him. He laughed. Totally worthwhile.
- Then he decided he needed to go BACK in the pool, but while he was in there, he wanted to get all the water out of the pool. When I asked him why, he said, “because I don’t want to swim right now.” So he then sat on the edge of the little blow-up kiddie pool and the water all swooshed out and he made mud and THAT was cool for a kiddo.
- Then we went inside, and he put on his other grandfather’s glasses (“other” in that it’s not my dad) and ran around until we were all, “Um…kid’s gonna kill himself with the dizziness” and his other grandmother asked if she could have them and he said, “Sure! If you put them on, you’ll look studious.” ZOMG THE NEPHEW. Studious! He is not even THREE yet! STUDIOUS! Yes, yes, his other grandfather told him that word, but he REMEMBERED it, and then USED it, in CONTEXT, CORRECTLY. This lady’s grammar-loving heart grew three sizes THAT day, let me tell you. (BTW: The Nephew is brilliant. BRILLIANT. I’m not even saying that. I’m totally being objective. I’ve seen other kids that age. This kid is AMAZING.)
- Then we made some things out of Tinkertoys, and played with his cats, and when it was time for us to leave he was VERY SAD and we told him we would see him at his party tomorrow and he said, “Isn’t THIS my party?” and that made my heart hurt a little, but it was time for his lunch and nap and we had to leave. And he was all, “Just one more thing! Let’s play just one more thing!” and OUCH. It is not easy to be a long-distance aunt of a little person you love that much. It is not at all easy. I gave him many kisses on his little crew-cutted head and told him I would see him tomorrow at his party, where he will get all the gifts and swim and play with other kids and have chocolate cake.
That was the visit with The Nephew. Oh, I ended up buying him (because I totally ran out of time to make a plan) two gigantic thingamabobbers at the store for his birthday – a Chuggington train set that totally talks to you and says things like “It’s not too hard for me!” (I will do my best to not say “EUPHEMISM!” or “that’s what she said!” every time he pushes the talking button on that train) and also a Hot Wheels building set where you can build many ramps where cars can go flying off the ramps and into the air and shit. The Nephew loves for cars to fly off into the air and also crash. It’s like it’s his thing. I was very pleased to find that. I will get him a magic flashlight for Christmas. I like that idea very much.
Oh, also, by the way, my parents apparently live in an oven, because it is SO HOT here, and there is no air conditioning, and also apparently no fans. So sometimes randomly a tiny breeze wafts through you and you think, AAHHH PLEASE MORE but then nothing and so I’m a sweaty mess. GAH. I miss my home.
And also, the drive home was fine. It was actually quite cool and rainy the whole way so I didn’t die of heat exhaustion. I brought a LOT of water, but I apparently didn’t need it. There were a lot of people who pulled onto the highway and totally cut me off, then proceeded to slooooowww riighhhhttt dowwnnnn. I’m not sure what was going on there. Is it mind games? Mostly it made me muse that it’s a damn good thing I don’t have a gun in my car. Because then I would probably road rage and murder someone. I hate having to take off my cruise control. HATE IT.
OK, time to scrounge up some food and watch some more television (oh, also, I had to watch a LOT of Tour de France today. Dad taught me many things. Mostly I picked my winners, who were the kooky guy who pretended to be Forrest Gump one time when he won and he was super-adorable, and the hot guy from the Isle of Man out of solidarity for Andreas’s old homeland. I would have rooted for the German guy out of Ken-solidarity but he had a shady face. Dad said that it’s obvious I pick my Tour de France winners like I pick my racehorses when we go to the racetrack and I end up losing all my money, but I have the BEST TIME choosing winners based on how pretty the horses are or what their names are or sometimes if the horse walked past me and he looked TOTALLY FIERCE.)
Oh, also, since I’m writing this days days DAYS in advance, can’t forget – today is my wonderful friend C.’s birthday, who reads this. HAPPY BIRTHDAY C.! I sent you a card but as with most things in my life lately I sent it LATE so probably you’ll get it once your birthday has passed but it’s totally funny so worth it. C. is wonderful, and we were friends in college, then roommates in college, then roommates again once I moved back to New York until recently when she moved away to live with her EQUALLY lovely boyfriend (ALSO a C., I know, I KNOW, it’s all very confusing) and I miss having her here because we TOTALLY used to have adventures, and she was the best at mocking television shows with. Happy happy birthday C.! I hope your birthday has many exciting components, like gifts and cake and balloons, but not anyone jumping out at you, and also not anyone dressed like a clown. Oh, also I hope that somewhere there are lemurs. Listen, C. LOVES lemurs. Here, C. This is for you on your birthday, because once you sent me the best email that I still laugh about regarding lemurs.
Off I go. Maybe I can get the dialup to work in a little bit. I AM JONESING FOR A HIT OF INTERNET DUDES. Later, yo.