I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but apparently strange things are afoot in Pennsylvania. JIM. What’s going on in your state? It’s only just across the border from me and I’m kind of nervous about this situation, here. As our Minister of Fly-nance I think it’s on your shoulders to explain your state to us. Or maybe not. I’m not really sure what being the Minister of Fly-nance entails. I guess that’s the beauty of the position. The leeway it provides.
Today in the “weird news” section of the paper (what, your paper doesn’t have that section? It’s my FAVORITE SECTION. I love weird things. And I love news. Put them together and it’s the best, just the best) there were SIX ARTICLES PERTAINING TO PENNSYLVANIA. Six! What the hell? One was the most boring and not at all weird (who cares about a guy who faked a seizure to go to the hospital and also escape prison? Meh meh meh, that’s not weird, newspaper, way to misrepresent your weirdnesses) but the others were SUPER-weird. And also awesome. JIMMMMM! Seriously, your state is a depository of weird, which makes me predisposed to love it a little, you know that, right?
OK, so we have starfucker deadbeat dads, we have pilfered wooden alligators, we have Hansel-and-Gretel-style thievery, we have patriotism in poor taste, and we have creative use of the interwebs. WHOO! You go, Pennsylvania. Who knows the state motto of Pennsylvania? Anyone? Anyone? The answer is “virtue, liberty and independence.” That’s totally upstanding, I’d feel about 76% more patriotic just stating that, I think. Here’s a tougher one. What’s the state INSECT? Ladybug. Heh. Or also firefly, which seems like you’re just bogarting all the good bugs for yourself, Pennsylvania, you mooch. Also, they have a state DOG, which is the Great Dane. Pennsylvania does NOT dick around when it comes to the size of its canine mascots. (Oh, PS, because I’m curious like a cat, I looked up what New York’s state insect is, and it’s ALSO a ladybug. Shit, Jim and I are totally at war for our state bugs now, this is bad news, yo. I don’t want to be at war with Jim in a Confederate war-between-the-states sort of scenario because I LIKE Jim. He makes me laugh and also then laugh AGAIN. He’s full of tomfoolery AND risibility.)
First, let’s talk about Hansel and Gretel. Ooh, or, if you’re GERMAN, you could totally call them Hansel UND Gretel and no one would even look twice at you. I mean, I guess they might if you were a weirdo with, I don’t know, a huge Cat-in-the-Hat hat on, or maybe if you were running around naked screaming “HANSEL UND GRETEL!” at the Wildpark Poing which I am still longingly dreaming of visiting with many a wistful sigh.
OK, so if you all recall, Hansel and Gretel were cast out of their home by their evil stepmother (just once, a story about an immensely likeable stepmother would be a breath of fresh air, wouldn’t it?) and set to fend for themselves in the wilderness, but they put a path of breadcrumbs behind them to lead them home because they were CRAFTY. But not crafty enough! Because the naughty ravenous forest-birds ate their crumbs so they were lost lost lost and then they stumbled upon the gingerbread house and then they barbecued the witch the end. What, other shit happened? SIGH FINE also other shit happened.
Anyway, so this guy in Pennsylvania was totally jonesing for a delicious meatball sub but it was after hours so he broke into a Subway restaurant with his hands as battering rams. But when he realized he couldn’t make himself a delicious meatball sub (I might be making this part up using my ARTISTIC LICENSE) he decided to rob the cash register. Only, THAT failed as well, because he was NOT VERY SMART. So he stole “nine bags of chips” and then hot-footed it out of there. Only, the cops were able to catch him. How? HE LEFT A TRAIL OF CHIPS FOR THEM TO FOLLOW AS IF THEY WERE THE BIRDS IN HANSEL AND GRETEL.
They found him all munchin’ on chips. Also, bleeding from the hand and foot because he cut himself all up smashing into the Subway with his extremities.
You couldn’t wait until you got to wherever you were going to eat from those teeny-tiny bags of Subway chips? I mean, they do have Munchos there, which are DELICIOUS, but I’m thinking you didn’t need to break into them IMMEDIATELY, and then apparently eat them like Cookie Monster while running, leaving crumbs and a mess behind you. I hope part of his punishment is cleaning that shit up. Chips are greasy.
Next: the way to a man’s arrest is through his…um…swimsuit area. Also, his desire to be a stahhhhhh.
So this deadbeat dad in Pennsylvania owed over $32,000 in back child support, so, as you do, he ran off to Hawaii. Someone (this article doesn’t say who. The court? His wife?) hired a bounty hunter. (I am, of course, imagining it was Dog the Bounty Hunter because he has a SWEET HEAD OF HAIR.)
The bounty hunter, who was obviously very cunning, told the deadbeat dad to come back to Philadelphia, because if he did, there was a role in an Jennifer Aniston movie waiting there for him!
So of course, deadbeat dad was all, “COUNT ME IN SUCKAS I LOVES ME SOME RACHEL GREEN!” and got on a plane to the City of Brotherly Love. Where they were waiting for him as he disembarked and he was arrested and now he has to pay his money like a good dad, not a deadbeat jerky jerk.
I have relatives who live in Philadelphia. JIM! I don’t even think I ever told you that. I totally have relatives that live there. My great-aunt and my cousin and his wife live there. And maybe they have a dog or something, I think they do. They’re very smart and I don’t think would be as easily fooled by this ruse, which seems like, ironically, (don’t’cha think?) a plot FROM Friends, starring one of the cast members OF Friends.
Also, deadbeat parents who refuse to pay their fair share can bite me. You had that kid. If you can afford to pay it, you need to pay it. That’s your kid, douche. Way to make your kid feel like a burden on you.
Next: honoring our dead with FIRE.
This one’s right next to Jim. JIM DID YOU GO TO THIS?
In a Pittsburgh suburb, because the school where they usually did it was under construction and unavailable, the people who do such things (town fathers? I don’t know. Here it would probably be the mayor. He’s very orange, our Mayor. Sometimes people call him Mayor McCheese? Because he’s all orange like a slice of processed cheese food? This makes my dad laugh and laugh. “What’s your mayor’s name?” he’ll say, and I have to say, “Oh, Mayor McCheese” and he’ll laugh and laugh and laugh and say “Mayor McCHEESE!” and then laugh some more. It never gets old, that joke, apparently) decided the only place that would be appropriate to shoot off their fourth of July fireworks would be from the local cemetery.
Some people were all “GO MERKA WHO CARES ABOUT THE DEAD!” and some were all, “Um…my mom’s under there? You’re walking on my mom” and one old lady was all “I wanted to visit my loved ones but the cemetery was closed so they could set up the display and I am SO DISTRAUGHT” but it seems most people were all, “meh, you gotta do what you gotta do WE LIKE FIREWORKS.”
I don’t know that I’d want to go to a cemetery to watch a fireworks display. It seems a little disrespectful to me. Also, didn’t you people see Carrie? HANDS come out of GRAVES at night. Fireworks displays? Are at NIGHT. Nuh-uh, count me out of this one.
Next: kids who learned about BUSINESS! In SCHOOL!
In a town outside of Philadelphia (lots of weirdness going on around there, right?) there is a school that is broke. So broke, they’re going to have to close unless they raise $600,000. So they decided to sell themselves on eBay.
What do you get if you buy the school on eBay? “He or she will get a plethora of goodies, including a naming opportunity, a free large pizza, a personalized school coffee mug and the chance to deliver a speech at graduation.”
Hmm. For $600,000? That…doesn’t seem like a very good deal at all, actually. For a large pizza and a mug, that runs you what, say $30? People are always bugging people to give speeches. They always want me to make speeches at my theater and I’m all NO NO NO I HATE THOSE. I could get a speech for free. And you aren’t even guaranteed the naming! It’s only a naming “opportunity!” That seems unlikely.
Mostly the school is doing this because they need a benefactor and they think this is a good way to go about it. Well, listen, I think this won’t work. Rich people aren’t going to buy your school on eBay. Unless they want to set it on fire or put mini-cams in the girls’ bathroom toilets. This has “wrong on all the levels” written all over it.
Finally: the CASE of the STOLEN ALLIGATOR. Subtitled: Got wood?
This one happened about 100 miles from Jim so I’m not overly worried about Jim or his family right now. That’s pretty far and it’s really hot out. No one’s driving that far in this heat.
Some dude walked into an unlocked mobile home and beat up the resident, then stole his wooden alligator. MORE shockingly, the wooden alligator was worth $175. A $175 wooden alligator?!?!? What’s it made out of, EBONY? Come on now.
Also, in “no no I’m totally serious IT’S NOT AN ALIAS” news, the robber’s name was Todd Pensyl. And the robbery happened in Pen(n)sylvania. I feel like SOMEONE (cough”ToddPensyl”cough) watched The Usual Suspects right before pulling this epic heist. “My name? It’s…um…well, it sure isn’t William Jenkins! Ha ha, I don’t know WHY that license was in my wallet! It’s…my name…um…oh, look, a rerun of Diff’rent Strokes…TODD. Todd…um…where…PENSYL. Yeah. Yeah, I’m Todd Pensyl, that’s me.”
Don’t worry. Keyser Söze OH WAIT I MEAN TODD PENSYL has been arrested, and I’m sure Woody the Alligator is back to his rightful owner, who is probably no worse for wear for having been kicked in the face repeatedly for not turning over his wooden $175 alligator. Is anyone except me wondering if there was heroin stashed in that alligator or something? This seems totally shady to me.
So, as you can see, something’s going on in Pennsylvania. JIM. Please explain. I am worried about this. Were you aware that there was so much crazy? What are you doing to protect yourself? I suggest nunchucks. Or maybe throwing stars.