In Pittsburgh they called us closed minded, but we know that’s simply not true.

I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but apparently strange things are afoot in Pennsylvania. JIM. What’s going on in your state? It’s only just across the border from me and I’m kind of nervous about this situation, here. As our Minister of Fly-nance I think it’s on your shoulders to explain your state to us. Or maybe not. I’m not really sure what being the Minister of Fly-nance entails. I guess that’s the beauty of the position. The leeway it provides. 

Today in the “weird news” section of the paper (what, your paper doesn’t have that section? It’s my FAVORITE SECTION. I love weird things. And I love news. Put them together and it’s the best, just the best) there were SIX ARTICLES PERTAINING TO PENNSYLVANIA. Six! What the hell? One was the most boring and not at all weird (who cares about a guy who faked a seizure to go to the hospital and also escape prison? Meh meh meh, that’s not weird, newspaper, way to misrepresent your weirdnesses) but the others were SUPER-weird. And also awesome. JIMMMMM! Seriously, your state is a depository of weird, which makes me predisposed to love it a little, you know that, right? 

Whoo, this is bossy. I bet Jim yells “Don’t you tell me what to do!” whenever he sees one of these. Jim HATES bossiness.

OK, so we have starfucker deadbeat dads, we have pilfered wooden alligators, we have Hansel-and-Gretel-style thievery, we have patriotism in poor taste, and we have creative use of the interwebs. WHOO! You go, Pennsylvania. Who knows the state motto of Pennsylvania? Anyone? Anyone? The answer is “virtue, liberty and independence.” That’s totally upstanding, I’d feel about 76% more patriotic just stating that, I think. Here’s a tougher one. What’s the state INSECT? Ladybug. Heh. Or also firefly, which seems like you’re just bogarting all the good bugs for yourself, Pennsylvania, you mooch. Also, they have a state DOG, which is the Great Dane. Pennsylvania does NOT dick around when it comes to the size of its canine mascots. (Oh, PS, because I’m curious like a cat, I looked up what New York’s state insect is, and it’s ALSO a ladybug. Shit, Jim and I are totally at war for our state bugs now, this is bad news, yo. I don’t want to be at war with Jim in a Confederate war-between-the-states sort of scenario because I LIKE Jim. He makes me laugh and also then laugh AGAIN. He’s full of tomfoolery AND risibility.) 

Look at Pennsylvania’s state flag. There’s a LOT going on here. Scary HORSES! An EAGLE! A SHIP! um…bumpy yellow things that might be…sheaves of wheat? I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THOSE ARE BUT THERE THEY ARE!

First, let’s talk about Hansel and Gretel. Ooh, or, if you’re GERMAN, you could totally call them Hansel UND Gretel and no one would even look twice at you. I mean, I guess they might if you were a weirdo with, I don’t know, a huge Cat-in-the-Hat hat on, or maybe if you were running around naked screaming “HANSEL UND GRETEL!” at the Wildpark Poing which I am still longingly dreaming of visiting with many a wistful sigh. 

Look! Muffelwild! Ponyhof! You can’t even imagine the power of nth with which I want to go to Wildpark Poing. CAN’T EVEN.

OK, so if you all recall, Hansel and Gretel were cast out of their home by their evil stepmother (just once, a story about an immensely likeable stepmother would be a breath of fresh air, wouldn’t it?) and set to fend for themselves in the wilderness, but they put a path of breadcrumbs behind them to lead them home because they were CRAFTY. But not crafty enough! Because the naughty ravenous forest-birds ate their crumbs so they were lost lost lost and then they stumbled upon the gingerbread house and then they barbecued the witch the end. What, other shit happened? SIGH FINE also other shit happened. 

Look, a creepy puppety production of Hansel and Gretel! With…um…adults as the children! And a huge owl-thing! I’m not going to lie, this is worrisome.

Anyway, so this guy in Pennsylvania was totally jonesing for a delicious meatball sub but it was after hours so he broke into a Subway restaurant with his hands as battering rams. But when he realized he couldn’t make himself a delicious meatball sub (I might be making this part up using my ARTISTIC LICENSE) he decided to rob the cash register. Only, THAT failed as well, because he was NOT VERY SMART. So he stole “nine bags of chips” and then hot-footed it out of there. Only, the cops were able to catch him. How? HE LEFT A TRAIL OF CHIPS FOR THEM TO FOLLOW AS IF THEY WERE THE BIRDS IN HANSEL AND GRETEL. 

They found him all munchin’ on chips. Also, bleeding from the hand and foot because he cut himself all up smashing into the Subway with his extremities. 

Om nom nom. OM NOM NOM I SAID.

You couldn’t wait until you got to wherever you were going to eat from those teeny-tiny bags of Subway chips? I mean, they do have Munchos there, which are DELICIOUS, but I’m thinking you didn’t need to break into them IMMEDIATELY, and then apparently eat them like Cookie Monster while running, leaving crumbs and a mess behind you. I hope part of his punishment is cleaning that shit up. Chips are greasy. 

Next: the way to a man’s arrest is through his…um…swimsuit area. Also, his desire to be a stahhhhhh. 

So this deadbeat dad in Pennsylvania owed over $32,000 in back child support, so, as you do, he ran off to Hawaii. Someone (this article doesn’t say who. The court? His wife?) hired a bounty hunter. (I am, of course, imagining it was Dog the Bounty Hunter because he has a SWEET HEAD OF HAIR.)

Look, sometimes he even wears FEATHERS in it! I had feathers like this in the early 80s. I bought them at the carnival. They came on a roach clip. Come to think of it, maybe they weren’t hair ornaments after all. Give me a break, I was probably 7.

The bounty hunter, who was obviously very cunning, told the deadbeat dad to come back to Philadelphia, because if he did, there was a role in an Jennifer Aniston movie waiting there for him! 

Oh, you silly boy, why’d you go all the way to Hawaii? Come home to MEEEEE.

So of course, deadbeat dad was all, “COUNT ME IN SUCKAS I LOVES ME SOME RACHEL GREEN!” and got on a plane to the City of Brotherly Love. Where they were waiting for him as he disembarked and he was arrested and now he has to pay his money like a good dad, not a deadbeat jerky jerk. 

I have relatives who live in Philadelphia. JIM! I don’t even think I ever told you that. I totally have relatives that live there. My great-aunt and my cousin and his wife live there. And maybe they have a dog or something, I think they do. They’re very smart and I don’t think would be as easily fooled by this ruse, which seems like, ironically, (don’t’cha think?) a plot FROM Friends, starring one of the cast members OF Friends. 

“The One With the Deadbeat Daddy”

Also, deadbeat parents who refuse to pay their fair share can bite me. You had that kid. If you can afford to pay it, you need to pay it. That’s your kid, douche. Way to make your kid feel like a burden on  you. 

Next: honoring our dead with FIRE. 

No, not this kind of honoring and fire, but this is kind of awesome, seriously. Pennsylvania should do things like this, Jim.

This one’s right next to Jim. JIM DID YOU GO TO THIS? 

In a Pittsburgh suburb, because the school where they usually did it was under construction and unavailable, the people who do such things (town fathers? I don’t know. Here it would probably be the mayor. He’s very orange, our Mayor. Sometimes people call him Mayor McCheese? Because he’s all orange like a slice of processed cheese food? This makes my dad laugh and laugh. “What’s your mayor’s name?” he’ll say, and I have to say, “Oh, Mayor McCheese” and he’ll laugh and laugh and laugh and say “Mayor McCHEESE!” and then laugh some more. It never gets old, that joke, apparently) decided the only place that would be appropriate to shoot off their fourth of July fireworks would be from the local cemetery. 

Jerry “Mayor McCheese” Jennings, the president of RPI (a lot of people hated her because she fired a lot of people a while back) and Governor Cuomo. Comparatively, look how orange! (He’s actually not a terrible mayor.)

Some people were all “GO MERKA WHO CARES ABOUT THE DEAD!” and some were all, “Um…my mom’s under there? You’re walking on my mom” and one old lady was all “I wanted to visit my loved ones but the cemetery was closed so they could set up the display and I am SO DISTRAUGHT” but it seems most people were all, “meh, you gotta do what you gotta do WE LIKE FIREWORKS.” 

WHOO FIREWORKS AND MERKA! Also, don’t throw trash on grampa’s final resting place, Jimmy. That’s rude.

I don’t know that I’d want to go to a cemetery to watch a fireworks display. It seems a little disrespectful to me. Also, didn’t you people see Carrie? HANDS come out of GRAVES at night. Fireworks displays? Are at NIGHT. Nuh-uh, count me out of this one. 

I SAID YOU’D HAVE FIREWORKS HERE OVER MY DEAD BODY DAMMIT!

Next: kids who learned about BUSINESS! In SCHOOL! 

In a town outside of Philadelphia (lots of weirdness going on around there, right?) there is a school that is broke. So broke, they’re going to have to close unless they raise $600,000. So they decided to sell themselves on eBay. 

What do you get if you buy the school on eBay? “He or she will get a plethora of goodies, including a naming opportunity, a free large pizza, a personalized school coffee mug and the chance to deliver a speech at graduation.” 

Is it free if it costs you $600,000? Is it really?

Hmm. For $600,000? That…doesn’t seem like a very good deal at all, actually. For a large pizza and a mug, that runs you what, say $30? People are always bugging people to give speeches. They always want me to make speeches at my theater and I’m all NO NO NO I HATE THOSE. I could get a speech for free. And you aren’t even guaranteed the naming! It’s only a naming “opportunity!” That seems unlikely. 

Mostly the school is doing this because they need a benefactor and they think this is a good way to go about it. Well, listen, I think this won’t work. Rich people aren’t going to buy your school on eBay. Unless they want to set it on fire or put mini-cams in the girls’ bathroom toilets. This has “wrong on all the levels” written all over it. 

Finally: the CASE of the STOLEN ALLIGATOR. Subtitled: Got wood? 

This one happened about 100 miles from Jim so I’m not overly worried about Jim or his family right now. That’s pretty far and it’s really hot out. No one’s driving that far in this heat. 

Some dude walked into an unlocked mobile home and beat up the resident, then stole his wooden alligator. MORE shockingly, the wooden alligator was worth $175. A $175 wooden alligator?!?!? What’s it made out of, EBONY? Come on now. 

I am worth $175! I AM VERY EXPENSIVE! Don’t steal me! CHOMP!

Also, in “no no I’m totally serious IT’S NOT AN ALIAS” news, the robber’s name was Todd Pensyl. And the robbery happened in Pen(n)sylvania. I feel like SOMEONE (cough”ToddPensyl”cough) watched The Usual Suspects right before pulling this epic heist. “My name? It’s…um…well, it sure isn’t William Jenkins! Ha ha, I don’t know WHY that license was in my wallet! It’s…my name…um…oh, look, a rerun of Diff’rent Strokes…TODD. Todd…um…where…PENSYL. Yeah. Yeah, I’m Todd Pensyl, that’s me.” 

WHO IS TODD PENSYL?

Don’t worry. Keyser Söze OH WAIT I MEAN TODD PENSYL has been arrested, and I’m sure Woody the Alligator is back to his rightful owner, who is probably no worse for wear for having been kicked in the face repeatedly for not turning over his wooden $175 alligator. Is anyone except me wondering if there was heroin stashed in that alligator or something? This seems totally shady to me. 

So, as you can see, something’s going on in Pennsylvania. JIM. Please explain. I am worried about this. Were you aware that there was so much crazy? What are you doing to protect yourself? I suggest nunchucks. Or maybe throwing stars.

Something for everyone in your family, Jim. ALWAYS BE PREPARED.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

29 responses to “In Pittsburgh they called us closed minded, but we know that’s simply not true.

  • sj

    OM NOM NOM I SAID!

    Dude, Munchos ARE THE BEST! <3

    Have you seen how WEIRD Dog the Bounty Hunter looks without those sunglasses on? It's like he's not even the SAME PERSON! Scary.

    I would totally buy a school to get the free large pizza. Wait, are there topping limitations? Look, if it's a one topping only deal I DON'T WANT IT. Nevermind, this is too much pressure.

    Hee, I was JUST talking about Verbal Kint/Keyser Söze ON MONDAY! <3 <3 <3

    *nunchaku

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I love Munchos. But you know what, after I wrote that, I did a little Subway research (I never eat there anymore, because me + bread = not allowed) and they don’t even seem to SELL Munchos anymore, WTF? They have those terrible Baked Lays instead. Grumble.

      I actually have never watched a single episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter, only seen his picture online. And no, never without the glasses. WEIRD. Maybe there are two of him!

      Is the plural of nunchucks actually nunchaku? Is that a thing? I love that. If it’s not a thing, it should be.

      Yeah, it’s probably only one topping, and probably something lame like green peppers. Gag.

      YAY FOR THE USUAL SUSPECTS! I love that movie more than most things in the world.

      Like

      • sj

        Yes, it IS nunchaku! I know this because of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, don’t judge.

        Look, I have TWO BIG BAGS of Munchos in my pantry right now, you should come over and I will share SOME with you (but not all cos they’re my favourite).

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I can’t even HAVE Munchos. SIGH. Stupid no-carbs. I will watch you eat them and eat some cheese curds or something.

          I will not judge. I watched a lot of TMNT as a kid. My brother LOVED that show. Loved.

          Like

      • Handflapper

        SHUT UP Baked Lays are the best! NOT GREASY AT ALL. And no, I’ve never seen Munchos at a Subway, I don’t even know what the hell Munchos are so I thought you were really taking some bullshit artistic license there, Amy. But apparently you just don’t keep current on Subway products. IT’S 2012, Amy. When is the last time you were even in a Subway??? But I won’t judge. I’ve never had cheese curd, They don’t even have cheese curds in Arkansas, I know because I’ve looked.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          Baked Lays feel weird in my mouth. And they taste like potatoes. I hate the taste of potatoes. Potato chips taste like grease, so I can ignore the fact that they’re actually potatoes. (I have weird food issues.)

          Munchos are these weird bubbly potato chips that are made of deliciousness. And yeah, I haven’t been to Subway in…oh, 5 years? More? I don’t eat bread, and even when I did, I don’t like Subway subs as much as other subs from other shops.

          It’s heartbreaking there are entire areas without cheese curds. I feel like that should be a human right: the access to cheese curds.

          Like

  • Certainly Not (@KateSherrod)

    Um. I’m on hour 20 of not sleeping so I could be wrong, but dude. Dude. The Hansel unt Gretel mitt Furries picture means I will never sleep again.

    Also

    If I had $600,000 to totally spare, I would buy a school on eBay as long as I could name it Beorn. That’s all. Just Beorn. And so the pizza would have to be vegetarian.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh, I wouldn’t like if you NEVER slept again. That would be bad news. You’d start hallucinating and stuff. Bad news! Bad news bears!

      Ha! “Where’d you graduate from?” “Beorn.” “That’s not…a thing…” “Yeah, no, it is, shut up.”

      Like

  • Oh God, My Wife Is German

    Great post! Thank you for sharing!

    … following your blog …

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Hey, now THIS is a blog that pertains to our interests over here. I like this a lot. We’re very pro-Germany over here. And by “we” I of course mean “me” because there’s really just me but “we” just sounds classier, right? Oh, well, also some of my nearest and dearest all up in here love all things German, too. Hi! Welcome! Glad to see you!

      Like

      • Oh God, My Wife Is German

        Oh nice! Another Teutonophile!

        And “we” totally sounds classier! :)

        How did you come to be such a lover of all things German?

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I don’t know. It’s a weird thing, as I aged, I started really enjoying other languages and cultures. (Not that I *hated* them when I was younger. I just don’t think I appreciated them as much as I should have.) It helps a lot that through the power of the internet I have friends who live elsewhere and I can put a face to the other countries, if that makes any sense.

          You should meet Ken. Ken, say hi to my new friend when you read today’s post. Ken lives in Germany and is one of my favorite people ever.

          Like

  • blogginglily

    First things first. . . to understand Pennsylvania you must understand this. . . there is “The T” and then there are Pittsburgh and Philadelphia. Pittsburgh and Philadelphia are separate from Pennsylvania. . . (The T). Second you should understand that Pittsburgh does not like Philadelphia. And that Philadelphia doesn’t like anyone. (which logically includes themselves and also Pittsburgh).

    So. . . 1) I have no comment on anything that happens in Philadelphia (from the greek word meaning the City of Asshats).

    so. . . with that in your backpocket, on to your questions:

    1) Washington, PA, which is just south of Pittsburgh, is the local equivalent of bumfuct. It’s very rural, and very. . . simple, and people there catch a lot of hell from people here about their. . . simple ways. That said, this potato chip thing is clearly bath salt related.

    2) Philadelphia, PA. . . buncha douche canoes. . . except your relatives. They’re awesome!

    3) Mt. Lebanon, PA. . . suburb in Pittsburgh. nice neighborhood. The school was under construction, they had to be creative and they used the cemetary! Happy Birthday America! Look, I’m all for respecting the corpses buried in that bone yard and all, but did THEY complain?? No. And it’s the fourth!!

    4) Philadelphia, PA. . . buncha douche canoes. . . except your relatives, as previously stated.

    5) I didn’t hear about the Great Wooden Alligator Caper. Maybe because it was a goddamn wooden alligator and the news said. . . nevermind. . . no one will care. Also. . . it happened in “The T”. . . it’s like the “forbidden zone”. . . slow mutants, radiation poisoning, and alligator theft.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      This is a very epic comment and I love it.

      I like that Pittsburgh and Philadelphia are having a Hatfield & McCoy-style feud. I’ve never been to either (well, I’ve driven through the state, but we never stopped. All I remember is we had a lot of trouble getting decent radio stations in Pennsylvania so we had to be sure to bring tapes for that part of the trip) so someday I will go to BOTH and then I will see what’s up.

      Hee! I didn’t even think that the potato chip thing was all about bath salts. Nice catch.

      My relatives ARE awesome. (They’re not originally from PA. They’re from Glens Falls, which is a little north of here. I think – not sure – that my cousin’s wife is from PA and he moved there with her, but I could be wrong. I saw him for the first time in probably 30 years last year. He was awesome then and is still awesome now.)

      Also, your slow mutant reference made me bop up and down in my lunchroom chair. You’ve read The Dark Tower series? Why didn’t I know this?

      Like

      • blogginglily

        I read them a “long time ago” so the series hasn’t come up much. But the opening line of the first book, “The man in black fled across the desert and the gunslinger followed.” is one of my favorite first lines of a book EVER.

        Philadelphia feuds with everyone. . . including itself.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          It’s an excellent opening line. I love the series. I’m wary about the rumors about them filming it. They won’t be able to do it justice. There’s no way. (Also, who the hell would play King? It wouldn’t work, just wouldn’t work.)

          Heh. I thought Philadelphia was the city of brotherly love? Someday when we’re having the fabled “dinner with Dad” let him tell you about how much HE hates Philadelphia. Not for any GOOD reason. He got lost there when they were visiting a couple months ago, so now he’s all “THAT CITY SUCKS!” Dad’s very good at directions, so of COURSE it was the city’s fault, and not his.

          Like

          • blogginglily

            The series is good. The comic strip is good. Poetry is hard. Bacon.

            sorry, I was thinking about that picture I posted on facebook:

            Roses are red
            bacon is red,
            poetry is hard,
            bacon.

            Philadelphia is The City of Ass Hats. It’s Greek. I don’t expect you to know everything. That’s why you have a Minister of Fly-nance.

            Like

  • Heather

    So, I live in “The T,” and not everyone who lives in those areas are stupid bumpkins. Or slow mutants. Just thought I should clarify Jim’s broad strokes. Heh.

    The people that these articles are about MUST be the aliens.

    Like

  • Handflapper

    Also? I thought Hansel was a boy child, and that adult in that particular production appears to be not only adult, but also female. What kind of tomfoolery is going on there? And bacon is red because it will give you cancer of the lower digestive regions. But most people prefer to ignore that fact.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’m guessing Hansel is female here because no men showed up to audition. Or girls have a higher voice and can play children more convincingly. Or the director was sleeping with/related to the Hansel actress. One of those.

      Why am I always going to die of cancer for the things I love the most? The whole world’s conspiring against me. Gah.

      Like

  • Kristy Shriner Salisbury

    The Hansel and Gretel story reminded me of something that I heard about when I was in college. This guy had a little too much to drink and drove his truck into a convenience store. Right through the window and knocked over a ton of shelves. He backed up and took off. The cops pulled him over and asked him if he knew about the incident at the gas station. He denied involvement. Which was kind of funny because not only were there several witnesses, but he had a bag of Combos stuck under his windshield wiper! Ha!

    Like

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