It is quiet as a mouse at work today. Everyone seems to have taken a secret vacation day or something. I’m cool with that. It can never be quiet enough for me. A day with just me and the receptionist would be ideal. Not because I like the receptionist – no no no, far from that – but because that way I wouldn’t have to answer the phones and I could sit back here and eff around to my heart’s content and get paid for it. And by eff around of course I mean blog on the company dime, duh. I mean, I’m going to blog when I get home, so I might as well blog here and get paid for it. That works just fine for me.
Let’s see. What’s up in Amy-land. Well, Dad is apparently obsessed with Ken, and Ken’s take on things. The latest is what Ken thinks about the Tour de France. He randomly asked me the other day, “What do you think that assassin thinks about the Tour de France?” and when I said, “I’m not quite sure, as Ken and I have not discussed the Tour de France,” Dad was VERY PUT OUT. “That’s in EUROPE, you know,” he said. “That assassin probably knows ALL ABOUT the Tour de France.”
(Dad’s obsessed with the Tour de France. I’m not 100% sure what’s up with that obsession, but he records it, and then gets some sort of perverse pleasure out of watching just hours and hours and HOURS of people riding around on bikes. I think he has some sort of thing where he likes very boring sports. NASCAR. The Tour de France. Give Dad a sport where NOTHING HAPPENS, and he’s a happy man. Oh, when I was a kid he used to watch bowling. BOWLING! On TELEVISION! Come on, I’d rather watch paint dry. Unless you know the person bowling and they’ve promised to buy you hot wings if you cheer them on there’s no reason to watch bowling. I know I’m not a sports person, but if I’m going to watch sports, give me one where something happens. Basketball. People are running and dribbling and shooting and passing! Or even baseball, even though there’s a lot of standing around. Something’s at least HAPPENING. Gah.)
Anyway, I didn’t even ask Ken what he thinks about the Tour de France, because who CARES, and then the next time I talked to Dad, he was all, “SO?” and I was like, “Sooo…buttons?” and he said, “What does the ASSASSIN think of the TOUR DE FRANCE?” and I said, “Oh. I don’t know, I didn’t ask him, were you expecting me to ask him?” and he was all “SIGHHHHHHHH” so apparently that was something he was waiting on all day. I didn’t realize Ken had become such an important touchstone in Dad’s daily life. That’s nice and all, but weird. Dad hates new people, especially NPR-listenin’ hippies.
So I tweeted Ken, because listen, apparently POOR POOR DAD is just sitting at home waiting and WAITING to hear what Ken thinks about the Tour de France. Ken’s response:
If you like photos of the French countryside, the #TourdeFrance can be enjoyed regardless of the cycling. Beautiful views.
— Ken Macbeth (@lahikmajoe) July 4, 2012
I wasn’t quite sure what Dad’s response to this would be, but I’m a good go-between and I report the facts as I get ‘em.
“That assassin watches the Tour de France for the LANDSCAPE?”
I said, “Dad, I don’t know that he watches it at all. I think he only watches soccer.”
“You tell that assassin, you tell him,” he said, all heated up, “that MY CYCLISTS could beat HIS SOCCER PLAYERS any day. ANY. DAY. Could HIS SOCCER PLAYERS ride miles and miles on a bike? Could they? COULD THEY?”
“I don’t know if they could or not,” I said. “Because they’re soccer players. They don’t have much call to ride miles and miles on a bike. They’re probably too busy, oh, I don’t know, practicing soccer.”
“ASSASSIN!” he said. And probably shook his fist ruefully in the direction of Germany, were I there to see it, but I was not, as I was in MY home and he was in HIS home. And that was the end of the conversation.
In other Amy-land news, there has been updated book news! I have a release date for my book. August 1. Exciting, right? That’s three weeks and one day from today. However, that falls directly in the middle of when I was supposed to be on vacation. And if you’ve been paying attention (you have, right? You totally have) when I go on vacation, I go somewhere that there’s no phone, no internet, and the shower is in a shed behind the cabin. Not that the shower has anything to do with this, it’s just an interesting tidbit of information from me to you.
So I thought about it. Could I deal with book stuff from a land with no internet? I could pre-write blog posts, sure I could, exhorting you all to get over there and buy the book if you wanted it. But I couldn’t respond to emails. I couldn’t email bloggers asking them to review it, or respond to bloggers who DID review it, or what if someone wanted to talk to me about it? How shitty would it be if I had to wait five whole days to respond to that email? Also, I kind of want to be around to be involved in the fact that HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS I WROTE A BOOK. How could I enjoy my vacation knowing that in a land with internet, a whole book release was going on without me? MY book release? I couldn’t, is how. I’d constantly be wanting to drive down to the teeny-tiny public library where you get an hour of dial-up internet and only if the computers aren’t broken, and that’s not the point of vacation. The point of vacation is to VACAY and read books and watch bad television and do NOTHING. Not worry that I’m missing out on a million things I should be doing and fret and bother and be perturbed. No one can enjoy vacation while perturbed, NO ONE.
So I know you were all looking forward to Helper Mule and his possibly knocked-up lady friend photos, but they are not meant to be, after all. My summer vacation will be spent in my own home, where there is internet access and I can deal with book stuffs. I informed my mother of this change in plans this morning. Her response was “You know what’s best.” This is not encouraging, because my mother doesn’t care if I come home, and if SHE sounds put-out, you KNOW my dad’s going to be seventeen flavors of furious and all “THAT INTERNET SHIT HAS TAKEN OVER YOUR LIFE” like he did the whole time I was in Florida with him and if I even picked UP my phone, he got all madface, even if we weren’t DOING anything at the time. Yes, I realize I’m well on my way to middle-aged and my parents (well, usually just my dad, I don’t know why my mom’s all up-in-arms, she doesn’t care what I do) are still grumpy if I don’t visit them enough. It’s a thing. Deal with it.
Anyway, there is a silver lining, other than getting to be home when my book is released so I can revel in the fact that I’m a published author. Well, no, multiple silver linings. Silver linings to SPARE.
- I don’t have to go nine days without internet, which is kickass; I was getting hives just thinking about that
- I don’t have to take two Saturdays off my second job and lose almost $200 in wages which always makes me run short on money and makes buying groceries when I get back from vacation an issue
- I’ll still get five days off my regular job (plus Sundays) so I’ll have seven non-consecutive days off to do with what I please
And what DO I please? Well, Brandi Carlile is coming to town, and I didn’t think I was going to get to see her. I got total nosebleed seats because I waited too long to buy tickets, but I now get to see one of my favorite recent performers, so yay. You know Brandi Carlile, right? Here, if not, here’s my recent favorite of hers, but you can’t go wrong with her music, so if you like this, search her out and listen to her other stuff, because DAMN the woman’s got a voice. Whoo. (Her cover of “Hallelujah,” which is one of my favorite songs in the entire world forever and ever anyway, KILLS. Absolutely kills. I’ll link it in a few weeks after I go see her, or you can search for it yourself. It’s amazing.)
I was also thinking, I’ve lived here almost a decade, and I’ve never done the touristy artsy things, because I’m always too busy working. I’ve never been to our museums (well, I did a quick tour of a couple of them, but wasn’t in either of the two I visited more than ten or fifteen minutes each, and that’s not long enough.) I’ve always wanted to go on a real tour of the Capitol and not just the Haunted Halloween tour I went on last year because I love the Capitol building. I’ve never been to the Shaker site, and I want to go see where the Shakers lived. If I have a whole week off, I can live like a tourist! In my own city! That’ll be fun, right? And, in an EXTENSION of the fun, I can take a million pictures, where applicable and where I won’t be kicked out of places, and then YOU can be a tourist in my own city! I think this is a very good plan.
ALSO, I won’t need to write so many blog posts in advance anymore! Because I won’t be in the land of no internet for such a long time! That’s a plus. That’s a total plus. Things won’t be so confusing all up in here.
So, not a total loss. I’ll miss staying in the woods for a week, because I do love the quiet and the smell of the pines and the happy squirrels and building a GIGANTIC campfire because I’m a total firebug, but there are upsides, too. And there’s always next year. It’s not like the cabin or the woods are going anywhere. (They’re not, right?) And I will be holding my own book in my own hands. That’s something, right? MY BOOK. Eee!
OK. Well, I should probably pretend to be doing SOMETHING. Move the shit on my desk around, go get a drink of water, something. It’s become pretty obvious I’m not being productive. Also, last night was NIGHT OF THE PANIC ATTACKS so I’m running on about three hours sleep. That’s fun. That’s always the most fun. SO SLEEPY GACK.