This is not the Wild Kingdom Marlin Perkins had in mind at ALL.

You all love the sex posts, don’t you even deny it. FINE, I love your faces, today’s sex-news day. Are you all so excited right now? Thought so.

These people are not paying enough attention. PAY MORE ATTENTION PLEASE.

Did you know if you do a search for “sex news” almost every single article is about sex offenders and then if you do a search for “weird sex news” you want to bleach your eyeballs? Just looking out for you all. As I do.

OK, so today, we have penguins, using Craig’s List inappropriately, things that are better than sex, and porn-headaches. I know! We’re really quite busy, we’d better dive right in. Wear your floaties, though, I don’t think you want to get your face in this water. Gack.

Aw, shark floaties. I love these. I would totally use these now, and I’m a grownup person who can’t swim.

OK, first: things that are better than sex. Whoa, nelly, calm down, I can hear you all now. NOTHING IS BETTER THAN SEX NOTHING. Well, apparently you’ve never had gelato while actually IN Rome, or really, really bad sex, but I digress.

…sigh. WANT.

According to this article, the new it thing is to put out a survey saying that things are better than sex. Cell phones. Bacon. A night of good sleep.

…and again. WANT.

However, what’s tricky is that the people putting out the surveys WORK for the bacon, cell phone, and mattress companies. OOH! That is a total misuse of science. AND sex. BAD studies. BAD.

However, I just have to say, sometimes? I’d rather have some delicious bacon than sex. Bacon is DELICIOUS, you guys. There’s very little in the world I love more than a perfectly crisp piece of bacon, except for maybe MULTIPLE pieces of perfectly crisp bacon.

As for my cell phone, well, if it was a one-time thing, sure, I’ll take the sex. But if I was told, hey, you can have EITHER all this sex, OR your cell phone, one or the other, FOR EVER AND FOR ALWAYS, I would choose my cell phone. What would I do without my cell phone? I can live without the sex. I am CURRENTLY living without the sex. It’s totally doable. It’s not like you shrivel up and die. I mean, it’s not OPTIMAL, but it’s doable. However, living without a cell phone would be bad bad news. How would I repeatedly check all my social networks? How would I get my email in a timely fashion? It’s not like I can carry around my laptop everywhere I go. There’s not wifi in all the places. There’s cellphone service almost everywhere. Except where my parents live. And listen, when I go to visit them for more than a couple of days, that is VERY DIFFICULT. There’s no internet except for dialup. There’s no cellphone service. It’s like someone shut off my brain. I have to do things like TALK TO PEOPLE and READ BOOKS and THINK QUIET THOUGHTS. It’s kind of like living in an abyss. It’s worrisome.

ARGH! I’m getting twitchy just thinking about it.

And a good night’s sleep? I can’t think of too many things I wouldn’t give up for a good night’s sleep. Oh, how I want one of those. I haven’t had one of those since I was probably 13. I’ve had some nights that were better than others, but a good night’s sleep? I don’t even know if I know what one of those is anymore, it’s been so long. Oh, how I want one of those.

So, even if the science and the sex are all nefarious, I think there’s something to it. You might THINK there’s nothing better than good sex, but if you think about it rationally, there are a lot of things that are more important. A lot of them. However, if the good sex wants to come over and visit sometime, I wouldn’t send it packing.

Next: this is not what Craig’s List is for. Or maybe it is. But, either way, ew.

In Mesa, Arizona (Mesa is next to Phoenix. Guess who lives in Phoenix? No, guess. NO GUESS. BFF does! BFF, did you know about this ickiness?) three people were arrested for – ready for this? – “conspiracy to commit bestiality.” CONSPIRACY! A CONSPIRACY!

Mesa! Next to BFF! And filled with CONSPIRACY!

There was a couple, and their “friend,” and they put an ad on Craig’s List that said “Wife looking for K9.” Apparently, the woman wanted to have sex with a dog, while her husband and lover watched. Well! That’s…um…disgusting.

An undercover cop answered their ad and was all tricky and said, “I HAVE A GOLDEN RETRIEVER” and they were like “AWESOME” and set up a meeting in a super-classy hotel and then instead of Fido the Love Puppy showing up, it was the po-po. Uh-oh.

Oh, my, no. Just, no.

Here are some awesome quotes from this article. Whoever wrote this had WAY too much fun.

What a bunch of animals.

The wild kingdom sex-session never went down.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio called the three “a different breed, that’s for certain.”

Sickos trolling Craiglist to find animals to bed has been a problem in Maricopa.

Dear BFF who also happens to live in Maricopa County: please make sure your dog is safely locked inside your house at night. I don’t like the sound of this at all, and I like your dog a great deal. Ew, not LIKE like. Like, like a NORMAL person likes a dog. Gross. I live in ALBANY County. We don’t screw the pooch here. That I’m aware of.

Next: a hidden danger of porn. HIDDEN DANGERRRRR!

In India, a man was watching porn (as you do) and started getting SEVERE HEADACHES. This has been going on for two years. But, instead of – well, doing the one thing that would stop the headaches – NOT WATCHING PORN – he’s been bouncing from doctor to doctor trying to figure out how to make the ouchy stop. Because, well, porn, yo.

Ouch ouch my head is pounding so much I can’t even hear the thrusting and moaning.

But we’re jumping ahead. Our Bachelor #1 “experiences ‘severe, exploding’ headaches that develop gradually and peak about 10 minutes into a sex scene.” Heh. Exploding. Develop gradually. Peak.

The headaches were so bad the patient actually debated stopping watching porn. I know. I KNOW. Such sadface.

To avoid forgoing porn altogether, the man was advised by neurologists to take the equivalent of about 30 painkillers a half hour before turning on a video, the study says.

Researchers found that oddly, sex or masturbation didn’t trigger the headaches – just the porn.

I think maybe in India, way too much time is being spent on Lonely Boy Porn Headache McGee, don’t you?

So, what’s going on with our sad little friend who just wants to watch some moneyshots? Any guesses?

Nah, don’t worry, the doctors in India are pretty lost, too.

They suggested it could be from changes in the pain-sensing nerves in the face and jaw, which become more sensitive in a heightened emotional state, MyHealthNewsDaily reported.

Huh. So if we’re aroused, our facial nerves get all sensitive? I guess. That seems suspect. My guess? It’s GOD. God JUDGING him. For watching EVIL EVIL PORN.

Or maybe he’s making it up so he can talk to strangers about porn, masturbation, and sex, who knows.

Finally: shocking penguin sex that is SHOCKING.

In 1910, George Murray Levick went to the South Pole on an expedition. While there, he got to study Adélie Penguins.

Ha! This one is starting a wild rumpus, I think.

Some of the activities of the penguins totally shocked the good doctor. He was SO SHOCKED at how TOTALLY DEPRAVED the little penguins are, he took notes on those activities in Greek, and then when he got home, he tried to publish it, but the people of the time were all SHOCK FACE SHOCK FACE NO NO NO and only printed up 100 copies and handed them out all on-the-sly-like to a specific group of scientists. Recently, one of the scandalous publications came to light. Ready? Ready for it?

The happy little Adélie Penguins are TOTALLY NECROPHILIACS.


See, dead frozen penguins would be lying on the ground, and they’d be in a similar position to live penguins waiting for some hubba-hubba lovin’, and so the boy-penguins would have sex with either live or dead penguins. They were not choosy. Because apparently they couldn’t tell the difference. My guess is, all the penguins are so cold up there! How would you even KNOW, am I right?

There were other things, too. Totally MORE scandalous things.

“It’s just full of accounts of sexual coercion, sexual and physical abuse of chicks, non-procreative sex, and finishes with an account of what he considers homosexual behaviour, and it was fascinating.”

Whoa, penguins! You were TOO SHOCKING FOR THE TIMES, what with your necrophilia and sneaky fuckery and child abuse and sex FOR FUN!!! and – AND! – ZOMG, gay penguin sex!

This penguin is STYLISH. Look at his little afro! That’s pretty scandalous.

I like to imagine all the serious science-types being all “oh NO! What’s this? My stars!” with their monocles and whatnot. Heh. Good job, penguins.

There you go, tigerlilies. All the sex for you. Is there anything better for you on a Monday than all the sex? I mean, Mondays are the suck, but with all the sex, they’re a little better, right? Totally are.

Happy all-the-sex Monday to you all! And if you can’t have all the sex, have some bacon or take a nap. Those are good, too.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

42 responses to “This is not the Wild Kingdom Marlin Perkins had in mind at ALL.

  • mylifeisthebestlife

    I admit it…when I first started reading this I was all, OH NO NOTHING IS BETTER THAN SEX. But you’re right. Bacon and a good night’s sleep both sound delicious right now.


  • Rich Crete

    How come there aren’t any kids named Marlin? Who took all the Marlins?


  • zippy219

    Craig’s List is way creepy. I’ve never even been on the site. You’ve confirmed my suspicions that its just for killers and sex maniacs.

    This might make me weird but I would gladly give up the two packages of bacon in my freezer for really good sex.


    • lucysfootball

      Craig’s List is full of weirdness. HOWEVER, one of my most beloved friends met her husband on there. And he’s one of my favorite people ever, too. So I guess it’s not ALL bad.

      I’m not sure if I’d make that trade. How good is the bacon?


  • sj

    Now I want bacon. And a nap. A 12 hour nap. [sigh]


  • Charleen

    You always use the best pictures. I love the puppy. And penguin #1.


  • Heather

    Know what else is better than sex? Finally being able to go pee after holding it for a long time during a lengthy car ride. OH MY GOODNESS, YES.


  • surroundedbyimbeciles

    When I was a kid, I always wondered what Omaha had to do with animals in Africa. Now, I understand because my brain has been recharged by one of Burger King’s bacon sundaes.


  • ProfMomEsq

    “…and then instead of Fido the Love Puppy showing up, it was the po-po. Uh-oh.” I mean, really, you just won the Internet right there. Done.


  • 35JupiterDrive

    Okay, I think, perhaps, that there should be edible underwear made out of bacon and then you could have both great sex and bacon. Oh wait, I’m a vegetarian. Cancel that stat!! Ack! Oh my god, and now it sounds like I’m offering good sex. Maybe I need to just stop typing. Stop Typing Me. I’m not trying to be sexually inappropriate in your comments section! That’s what email’s for! (Okay, not really, but I couldn’t help myself. LOL)


  • lahikmajoe

    This post was approved partially due to its prodigious use of euphemism.


  • Handflapper

    I miss Marlin Perkins. And now I have that sponsor song running through my head: “Mutual of Omaha is freedom, freedom you can count on when you need it most,” which makes little sense to me now that I’m an adult and I know Mutual of Omaha is an insurance company, but when I was a child watching Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom, I thought it had something to do with Born Free and Elsa the lion, because, you know, Wild Kingdom? Lions? Running around free on the savannah? Or is that the serengeti? But they also edited all the sex out, but not the savage zebra killings.

    And I’m tired of people freaking the fuck out about how having sex with dogs is somehow abusing them. I mean, it’s not for me, but hello? Have you met my dogs? Or any dogs, for that matter? Dogs live for that shit, the humping and the licking and the slurping. If you asked a dog what was better than sex, bacon or a nap, I bet he’d have a hard time deciding too.


  • Jericha Senyak (@JerichaSenyak)

    I am deeply suspicious of the weird new craze that is bacon (and mustaches! even though the Boyfriend has an epic one I love very very much). It is positively EERIE how many bacon-and-or-mustache related THINGS there are now: belts, watches, paperclips, toothpaste, cookie cutters, socks, tshirts, wind-up toys, mints, picturebooks…that being said, however, I have had super-fancy chocolate-covered bacon, and it is, in fact, totally delicious.

    As for necro penguins, is it weird that I’m totally not surprised even a little bit? Those little dudes always looked like they were way too fun and chirpy and carefree in the snow to not be up to some kinda kinky nonsense. Rumpuses. Like you said. All the time. RUMPUSES.


    • lucysfootball

      Mustaches are confusing. It’s a hipster thing, right? Bacon I get, because yum, but mustaches are confusing.

      Penguins do seem awfully merry. I think that’s why I love them, though. They’re pretty irreverent.


  • becomingcliche

    Prepare to have your mind blown. I have no cell phone. None at all. Never have.


    • lucysfootball

      I actually only got mine a little over a year ago. I had one before, but it was just a basic no-frills, no-texting model. This one’s a smartphone. And I now don’t know how I would live without it, sincerely. I’m without it for a couple of days and I feel like I’m cut off from life.


  • mandaray

    I would take a good night’s sleep over good sex any day. Sorry, lovers both past, present and future, but it’s the truth. Sleep is my friend, my bestest friend. It makes me happier than any of your bits could.

    Also that penguin fro is HILARIOUS. Thank you so much for that picture. XD


    • lucysfootball

      I have to agree. I might not, were I a good sleeper. But I get a good night’s sleep probably…once a month? Once every two months? So if someone were to come up to me and say, you can have the best sex ever…or the best night’s sleep of your life…I’d choose the sleep. Because I really, really, REALLY need it.

      Yay, penguin fro!


      • mandaray

        I turn into a completely different person when I don’t get enough sleep, and it’s not exactly a pleasant change. I don’t like it, and nobody else does either…so yeah, my partners have learned that sleep = good in my case…the ones that didn’t learned to regret it. XD


        • lucysfootball

          I used to act differently, but now that it’s a common occurrence, I think it’s just…me…without any sleep. Probably I’d be nicer if I got more sleep but I don’t know how to go about doing that so I just gave up a while ago. Eh, what can you do. It’s not like it’s unprecedented. Everyone on my dad’s side of the family’s an insomniac. I get more sleep than they do, so I should consider myself lucky, I think.


          • mandaray

            I think I’m a bit spoiled, since insomnia has never really been a significant problem for me. I find it a bit puzzling, actually, but I know it’s a real thing for some people so I try not to be too dismissive of it. The backlash of this, though, is that when I do lose sleep, I basically can’t function. It sucks. I wish I could be one of those people who can still function on four hours of sleep or something.


            • lucysfootball

              I can function on 4 (and have to, quite often) but I run into things and I’m very crabby. It’s not optimal. Most nights I get between 5 and 6 and with that I can function just fine. I’d rather get 7-8, but those nights don’t happen very often.


              • mandaray

                Yeah, that sounds a lot like what my boyfriend deals with. He sleeps a lot better now that he lives with me (I suspect because he doesn’t have his mom waking him up all the time anymore) but he’s still really pleased if he manages to get six hours, whereas I’m like “NINE HOURS OR NOTHING, BITCH”. Yeah, I know, I’m really spoiled, lol.


  • rachael

    you might need to amend your blog to include this article

    i discovered it on twitter tonight


    • lucysfootball

      Oh, my. Whoa. The logistics of that seem…unwieldy? Plus WHOO that’s a LOT of sex! But…um…you go, you crazy in-love kids, you go! I guess! :)

      Are you back? I missed you! Hope your vacation was great!


%d bloggers like this: