I can dig it, nephew. I can totally dig it.

Here I am on vacation! Three days off. What WILL I do with myself, I wonder? Oh, mostly hang out with the most amazing little relative I know, that’s all. That’s right! It is THE WEEKEND OF THE NEPHEW! I will be in the middle of nowhere Saturday and Sunday and some of Monday (and possibly Friday night, depending on when I decide to leave) so no Twitter for me. Or Facebook. Or email. I know, what will happen, it’s like my head will explode. Don’t worry, you have posts to carry you over that will post like magic. I can’t approve your comments (well, I might be able to get on my parents’ ancient dialup in the middle of the night and do that, maybe, but no guarantees – sometimes their computer won’t load any websites I want to get onto, sometimes it will, it operates on the power of whims and possibly fairydust) so don’t freak out if you comment and then check back hours later and it’s still not there – it will be! But maybe a couple days later! – but there will be posts for you to read, anyway. I’ve got you covered, my little cherry blossoms.

This is me dealing with my parents’ ancient computer. SO FRUSTRATING GOOD GRIEF.

Plus, this is the first time I can bring my laptop home! I know, impressive, right? I’m hoping I can convince The Nephew to sit still for more than five seconds so I can get a laptop video of him doing something like reading with me or playing or something. How much fun would that be? The most fun, is how much. You will all fall madly in love with him. He’s really the best. He has as much energy as a magical being, and also he laughs. A LOT. You have a very hard time being in a bad mood around him, because he just laughs and laughs and bounces like Tigger and makes faces and talks to his toys and says things like, “I’m building a ZOOMINATOR!” and that’s not a thing, and how can you not smile at something like that? The answer is, you can’t. You enter in a crabbity mood and you leave grinning like a moron. He’s sunshine, that kiddo. 

Aw, here is The Nephew! Like Baby Tigger, he is!

Anyway, so as you read this, I am either just arriving at my parents’ house, or I decided to drive late last night to beat the heat in my hot hot HOT car and am currently playing with The Nephew. Haven’t quite decided which it will be yet. Saturday we’re (hopefully – that’s the plan as of right now, however, plans have a tendency to change, so I don’t like to get my hopes all up and get them dashed, that’s the worst) hanging out, and I’m in charge of the babysittery as my mom needs to cook and bake all day, my dad will be at his class reunion place decorating all day (his class reunion, with Super Sarah, is Saturday night – well, that is, if she decides to come, she might still be boycotting because they were SO MEAN TO HER AND HER PLUS-ONE, SPACESHIP JESUS) and The Nephew’s mom will be decorating the park where we’re having his party all day, and his dad (my little brother, obviously) will be working all day. So hmm, WHO, I wonder, could be up for babysitting one squirmy happy laughy little toddler who is just about to turn three? I think his aunt. I think his amazing fun wonderful aunt who misses him like crazy and can’t wait to spend time with him.

I have books picked out that he hasn’t even seen yet that I think will make him laugh; I am running over to get pre-birthday toys to give him on Saturday to play with (listen, I know I spoil him, but that’s what long-distance aunts are for), and I am totally prepared for a day spent on the floor playing with trains and cars and dinosaurs and Matchbox cars and watching Nick Jr. I AM READY FOR THIS YO. Then he will go home, and my parents will go out to the class reunion, and I will blog but not be able to post anything or even get onto WordPress because, well, no internet unless I brave the wireless (it’s a chore, I’m not going to lie, and also? no cellphone service up there, well, at least with my service, other people have service but not me because I have a weird service provider, so I can’t even use my phone to stay in touch with the world, I KNOW, it is the WORST)  but I will have posts pre-written and scheduled so you’ll be fine. I’ll at least be able to write posts so I’ll be all prepared for when I get back. 

Then Sunday! There will be much grumbling and guilt-trippery in the morning, entitled “Don’t You Think You Should Go To Church With Us, You Are Really Breaking God’s Heart,” with the pre-programmed response “I Would Go Up In Flames if I Passed the Threshold, and Also, Have They Stopped Condemning Homosexuality and Have They Allowed Female Priests Yet?” It is a time-honored dance we do every time I go home, and we have memorized our lines and very seldom go off-script. 

Me if I entered the church nowadays, only instead of setting OTHERS on fire, I think it’d be ME going up in flames. I’m totally sinful.

After they get home from church (a place I will not be going) we will be heading for the park. At the park it will be hot, and there will be many mosquitoes and flies and things of that nature. That’s what happens at these things. Mostly you spend the day slapping. Oh, well. It’s only once a year. The theme for The Nephew’s party is Can You Dig It? because he loves construction vehicles at the moment.

This came up in a “can you dig it” search. This would be an AWESOME theme for a 3-year-old’s birthday party. Isaac HAYES themed! WHOO!

Oh, were you not aware that parties need themes now? Yes. That is a thing. Back when I was young, the theme of birthday parties was “WE ARE HAVING A PARTY” and you went to the kid’s house and you ate some cake and sometimes you played a game and you watched them open presents and then you went home. Now there is a theme, and there are stand-up things for you to take your photo with, and sometimes there are bounce-houses and sometimes there are (shudder) clowns. I’m not sure what there will be at this one. The first year he had a bounce house.

Bee tee dubs, I wasn’t allowed in the bounce house. Apparently grown up adult people could POP the bounce house. That’s disheartening. I looked longingly at it ALL DAY.

The second year, stand-up Cars figures to take your photo with, and gift-bags full of Cars toys for everyone to take home (except, not me. I couldn’t have a gift bag. THOSE ARE FOR THE KIDS AMY. Sigh. Grumble.) This year, who knows. I’m hoping for a full-sized backhoe, driven by a male stripper in a construction hat and overalls and no shirt. What, that’s not children’s-birthday-party appropriate? LET ME DREAM DAMMIT. Why so mean? 

Like this! This is children-appropriate, right? RIGHT.

Then we will party and party and the kiddo will get ALL THE PRESENTS (he’s been going around saying “I have a BIRTHDAY! I get a PRESENT!” for weeks, I like that he thinks he’s getting ONE present) and then all the kids will swim because there’s a pool at that park. I will not swim, because I don’t own a bathing suit and I don’t know how to swim, so those are good reasons. Then we will clean up the park, and we will go home, and I will laze on the couch in a sun and picnic-food stupor for a while. I haven’t yet decided if I’m driving home on Sunday or Monday. I have Monday off as a vacation day, because I PLANNED AHEAD. I know, right? Fancy. I emailed the lady in charge of vacation time and I was like, hey, do I have any vacation time? And she was like, you have so much vacation time it’s kind of cuckoo-bananas and if you’re not careful, you’re going to lose some. And I was like, cool cool cool, I’m taking Monday off. So if I leave Sunday afternoon/evening, I get all day Monday off in my own place to relax and also there will be internet access, which at that point I will be jonesing for, and poor Dumbcat who will be missing me the most will not go into total Dumbcat clinging to my leg as if I was a dead person resurrected mode. But also I could leave Monday morning and still have most of the day Monday to myself, and that’d be ok, too. We’ll play it by ear, I guess.

Oh, also at some point I need to visit my grandmother, because she will be sadface if I came home and didn’t stop to see her. Maybe I can get some info about the Rough on Rats killer in our family from her, that’d be fun. I will not, however, have time to visit Helper Mule this time around. That will have to be when I go home at the end of July/beginning of August. So, less than a month until you get photos of Helper Mule! And ME with Helper Mule! Are you so excited? I thought so. Dad has had no Helper Mule info lately. He never goes over there to hang out with Rooster and Helper Mule and Crankity Possibly-Pregnant Mare, even when I ask him to. Sigh. I will, hopefully, get to see my brother’s dog this time around, who is Dumbcat but in DOG form (she’s not very bright, but I love her more than any dog ever, and she also loves me and we cuddle and she is the best beagle in the history of beagles. When she was a puppy, she was so little she could fit in a coat pocket, and she would sleep on my chest and snuggle her muzzle into my neck and she smelled like puppy. I adore her.)  

She was cuter than this. I promise. There was not a cuter beagle puppy in the history of the world than she was.

There! That is my weekend. Now you are IN THE KNOW! It will be quite an adventure. I am going to attempt to take a lot of photos, because then I can write you an epic post when I get back to the land of internet access complete with photos to document what happened because everything’s better with photos, EVERYTHING. Although I’m pretty sure my family will be all NO PHOTOS OF US YOU’LL JUST POST THEM ON THE BLOG. They’re savvy to my obsession with the blog (not that they READ it, THANKS SUPPORTIVE FAMILY) and that most photos I take end up there at some point, and therefore always giving me a suspicious look when the camera comes out. 

Have a wonderful weekend, and enjoy the weather, and if anything shocking or exciting happens in the world, please make a note and then tell me when I get back either on Sunday or Monday, because the only news outlet I’ll be allowed to monitor for the next 48 hours or so is…um…purportedly both fair AND balanced but I think we all know it’s neither. Neither of those things. Unless by fair, you mean the female reporters all look like Stepford wives and by balanced you mean the male reporters are red-faced and shouty and think we’re all heading toward a future of marrying turtles. So, take NOTES, and I expect a full Twitter report, as well as a current events report, please. I’ll need one when I get back. 48 hours in fair-and-balanced land tends to make me most stupiderest. 

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

14 responses to “I can dig it, nephew. I can totally dig it.

  • Handflapper

    Hooray for you! I am most excited for your weekend, as I was excited for my weekend, because the HELLBABY IS HERE, and it’s been two weeks since her last overnight visit, and that’s the longest ever since she was six weeks old (I did SEE her during those two weeks, she, like, came over and hung out with her mom, I mean, that would be crazy, me going two weeks without seeing Hellbaby at all, oh, no, no, no, that would never fly, but hanging out with mom is not the same thing at all) but now I’m feeling not quite so excited because she is most distressed that we are out of popsicles and is at this moment pulling her own hair and wailing in a mini-banshee like fashion and I am About. To. Lose. My. Shit. So I hope you don’t have experiences like that with nephew and I think a stripper themed birthday is appropriate for EVERYBODY, because I’ve known a lot of little kids in my life, and one thing I’ve noticed they all have in common is they like to be nekkid.


    • lucysfootball

      I hope your Hellbaby visit was wonderful! The Nephew was great, and he’s more amazing every time I see him. Such a great kiddo. Now I am pleased to be home in my own place. Aaahhhhh.


  • sj

    Oi, I feel terrible for only JUST NOW commenting, but I’ve been on the laptop as little as possible today.

    Wanna know why? BECAUSE IT’S EFFING HOT HERE, AMY! I realize that’s not your problem, but I figure you can relate.

    I <3 you and hope you had the best day with the nephew and that the party is super awesome and that you don't die of heat stroke/exhaustion on your drive home.



    • lucysfootball

      It was cooler here over the past couple days, which was good for driving. I’m sorry it’s still so hot there! Ugh, I’m ready for summer to be over now, please.

      I did have a good time, but am SO GLAD to be home. I miss here when I’m elsewhere. It’s where all my STUFF is. I love my stuff. And my internet connection. Yay!


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I’m thankful that I’ve not watched any Fox News ever. It doesn’t sound like something I’d enjoy. (I prefer NHK international news from Japan..)


  • Alison

    An Isaac Hayes theme would be the best!

    Hope you’re having a great time with the Nephew (oh, and the rest of the family, but clearly he is the Most Important Person you’re visiting.)


    • lucysfootball

      Thank you! It was wonderful seeing him. He’s so great. So much fun.


    • Handflapper

      An Issac Hayes themed party would suck, because a) he is dead, and b) he was a member of that so-called Church of Scientology and apparently had no sense of humor since he quit South Park after those boys did an episode about Scientology.

      Wow. My phone autocorrects Scientology to be capitalized. Omg. They’re in MY PHONE.


      • lucysfootball

        Oh, I totally forgot about how he became a jerk after that Scientology South Park. I always just think of his makin’ lurrvvveee music and giggle. NO ISAAC HAYES THEMED PARTIES FOR CHILDREN NOW!

        There are thetans in your phone. You need to get your phone to the next level. I’m not sure what that entails, though. I think something about body scanning.


  • ProfMomEsq

    I had fun reading this, so I KNOW you had a great time with the Nephew. I love how excited you get over him, and I hope the birthday party was fantastic and had ALL the presents and cake! Welcome back!


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