Apparently, all the hot men in the world currently reside in Poughkeepsie.

Back from the play and a day from adventure! And listen, I’m pretty sure I might have almost died. ALMOST DIIIIIIEEEEDDDD.

Ah SWEAH ah could have DAAAHHHHD.

But, we’ll get to that. The almost dying was later.

So I got up CRAZY EARLY for a Sunday. Crazy crazy. Because I had to be in Poughkeepsie at 11. And it’s about a two-hour drive. And I get ready in the mornings like a poky turtle, all slow and shit. So I poked around getting ready and the news said, “WHOO IT’S GOING TO BE SO SCORCHY TODAY!” and I was all, huh, this is probably bad news.


See, I have no air conditioning in my car. It’s never had it. Well, probably it did once. Before it was my car, back when it was someone ELSE’S car. But since I got it, two or three years ago, whenever that was, it’s never had air conditioning. And air conditioning is expensive to fix, and it’s not an expensive car. It’s a Taurus. I love it, because it’s the most reliable car I’ve ever owned, but it’s not fancy. I mean, it has a tape player. And sometimes the interior door panels fall off if I close the doors too hard. But when I turn the key? It starts. And it’s only broken down on the side of the road one time. I love it. I’ve had some super-sketchy cars in my life. This one’s my rock, this car.

Not my car, but close enough.

Anyway, no air conditioning. The heat works just fine. It’s just the air conditioning that doesn’t work. And we really only need it from, like, late May to early September here, anyway. That’s not that much of the year. So every year, I’m all “eh, SO EXPENSIVE but also SO HOT” and then I don’t get it. Dad’s even offered to pay for it, but I feel it’s such a waste of money. So I feel terrible having him pay for something I can’t afford myself and that isn’t necessary for life, you know?

Anyway, I left early. It wasn’t so so hot. Just kind of hot. I opened the windows really wide and it was SO WINDY and I couldn’t even hear the radio at all or the GPS lady and also I put on a shit-ton of sunscreen because I burn like a fancy quiche the minute the sun touches me. I’m the worst.

This is what I use. SPF 100. One HUNDRED. And sometimes I STILL burn. I know. I’m broken.

I got there and YAY! Seeing C. and C.! And I didn’t even get lost a little bit! I got to meet their new cat. He is a very handsome tabby and very long and has a very giraffey neck and is very curious with HUGE eyes and was kind of scared of me but also interested in who this human was in his house that was not one of HIS humans. Also, I brought him a feathery toy, which he carried around in his mouth like he was a puppy. That was enjoyable. I liked him a lot. He’s a joyous crazy cat.

This isn’t him, but huge eyes like this. He’s very handsome.

Then we went to FANCY BRUNCH. Super-fancy. It was in this place that looked like probably it was a singles bar when it wasn’t a brunch place. There were a lot of weird booths like on dating shows, and the lighting was all red and blue and sparkly. It made our food look weird because the lighting over our food was red. I’m pretty sure at night, people catch a lot of gonorrhea there. BUT, there were no STDs there when we were having brunch. That I was aware of, anyway. We had many eggs and muuuuuch bacon, and teeny tiny waffles that were as cute as buttons, and pineapple and C. had a mojito which I’ve never tried before and she let me try some and it was pretty yum. I think I could order one of those someday and be pleased with the outcome. The place was super-swank, and when we walked in I was worried they’d notice I was not at ALL swank and say, “not today, Sally” and send me packing, but they didn’t seem to care. The people eating weren’t so fancy. Just the hostesses and the waitresses, really. It was very nice and I approved wholeheartedly. Oh, also, we talked and talked and talked and laughed and laughed. That’s what we do when we’re together. I have all the best times with C. and C.

Then then then! We drove around and I got to see the house that C. and C. are probably maybe totally going to be buying Z!O!M!G! A house! One of my oldest friends and her boyfriend are getting a HOUSE together, you guys! The cutest little house! On the cutest little street with all the trees! I was so happy I totally almost bounced. Or, kind of did. Kind of did bounce. I am so happy for them. This is big exciting wonderful amazing news.

Then it was on to Vassar, college that is reminiscent of Hogwarts! By that point, it had officially hit a billion degrees. OK, fine, 96 degrees. And luckily it wasn’t humid. But, still, 96 degrees. SO SO SO HOT. And we had to walk a million miles across the pretty Vassar campus to get to the theater. OK, I’m exaggerating by like 999,999.75 miles. But in all the heat, it SEEMED like a million miles. Vassar is still the prettiest, even though it’s going through a lot of construction right now. Probably to make it more Hogwartian, is my guess.

So we arrived at the theater, sweaty and disheveled. My hair was doing all KINDS of crazy sweaty poking-up things today. Which I didn’t even see until I got to the bathroom at the intermission, so I was totally all crazy-person-looking all through Act One. Nice! The theater was teeny-tiny and the set was awesome and we were right on the aisle in the front row. Oh, also, one of the ushers was so insanely handsome I wanted to lick him all over. WHOA WITH THE HANDSOME. And he was nice, and totally talked about Pixar movies with me, so also a little geeky. SIGH SIGH SIGH.

Hot usher told me the Pizza Planet truck was in all the Pixar films, which I was not aware of (but the whole internet already seems to know, because I’m out of the loop.)

Then the play! Chloe Sevigny was THREE FEET FROM ME! And she was very good! And so was the play! We were so pleased, because the last play we saw there was bad. SO SO BAD. Like, beyond bad. A kajillion times bad. I think I told you, it was based on The Crucible, and it was called Abigail/1702. It was the playwright’s imagining of what might have happened to Abigail Williams (the leader of the girls who accused the townspeople of witchcraft) ten years after the events of The Crucible. Since I love The Crucible so much, that could have either gone very wrong or very right, and YAY! It went very right! Chloe Sevigny played Abigail Williams, ten years later, haunted by what she’d done, and did it very well.

She looked just like she does on tv/in the movies. Her hair was shorter than I’d imagined – a little shorter than this. She looked great. Very glowy.

Patrick Heusinger played John Brown, a mysterious seafarer who enters her life. And HOLY HELL YOU GUYS. Now, he was very talented, and a wonderful actor, and I enjoyed his performance a great deal. But also? SO HANDSOME C. and I almost DIED.

None of these photos really do him justice. He was SO HANDSOME, you guys. Whoa.

At the intermission, I said, “What do you think the odds are that he’ll take his shirt off in Act Two?” and C. said, “Oh, we can only hope. WE CAN ONLY HOPE.” Guess what? He did. HE TOTES DID YO. And, oh, oh my. Abs and pecs and those hip-thingies that I don’t know what they’re called but they make me melt into a puddle of mush right there on the floor? Those things. WHOOOOOO. Apparently he was in Black Swan and Gossip Girl, but I barely remember him in either. Sad. Just sad, Amy. PAY MORE ATTENTION. (Shut up, yes, I watch Gossip Girl. I like pretty people doing silly things in New York City, and there’s often good music. Also, I like Ed Westwick. LEAVE ME BE.)

Yes, I realize, had I started young enough, he could be my child. That doesn’t mean I CAN’T find him attractive. Just means I probably SHOULDN’T.

So, yeah. The play was good. VERY good. Well written, well acted, gorgeous set and lights and sound design, touching, intelligent (we had a lot of thought-provoking discussion on the walk back to the car, which I LOVE) and I only had a couple of teeny-tiny nitpicks but they were probably done for a reason I’m not privy to so I’m down with them. Such a success for me. So pleased I got to see it. There was no question-and-answer after it, like I thought there was going to be, because I had the date wrong. Because I apparently cannot read a calendar. Like a grownup lady.

Then we walked a MILLION MILES (exaggeration!) back to the car, and C. and C. nicely gave me some water for my drive home. When I got to the car, I realized, huh. I might need more than this bottle of water. This car is HOT, yo. SO SO HOT.

Yep. I drank the bottle of water in the first fifteen minutes of my two-hour drive. I then stopped at a gas station and bought a HUGE bottle of water. Like, the next size down from a GALLON, huge. It was two dollars. That seemed like a very good deal. In retrospect, I should have bought more of those.

Probably should have bought all of these. MULTIPLES of all of these.

Then came the ALMOST DYING part of our tale. I drove home – about an hour and forty-five more minutes. Opening the windows and driving on the highway didn’t do much, because the wind blowing in was about 900 degrees. At one point, I almost started to cry from the heat, until I realized I HAD NO MORE LIQUID IN MY BODY TO WEEP WITH. I had SWEATED IT ALL OUT. I finished the GIGANTIC BOTTLE OF WATER before I even got home. (And it got hot about half an hour into my drive. So I was drinking hot water! Well. DELICIOUS.) Then I started getting sleepy. I realized this was because I was dehydrated and I got up really early and I couldn’t listen to the radio to keep me awake because I WAS DRIVING IN A WIND TUNNEL OF CAR because I had to have the windows open, to let in all the hot hot wind, and IT WAS SO SO SO HOT but it wasn’t like I could pull over and take a nap, because I would frizzle up and die.

Gah, THIS is a creepy illustration.

It was the worst drive of my life. Could have totally died. Or, not, probably. But when I got home, I drank glass after glass of ice water and I took a shower of COMPLETELY COLD WATER. Then I felt human again. And probably not dying. Also, for all the water I drank, I hardly peed, so either I sweated it all out, or maybe my kidneys have failed me due to my heatstroke.

There! My report on a VERY EXCITING DAY. Fun, right? Totally fun. I had the best time. Except for the almost-dying, of course. No one liked that part. Thank you for a wonderful day, C. and C!

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

20 responses to “Apparently, all the hot men in the world currently reside in Poughkeepsie.

  • greengeekgirl

    I debated whether or not to like this, because I don’t like hearing that you almost totally died, but then I liked it anyway because you wrote it.


  • mylifeisthebestlife

    Oh hi! I love you. LOVE YOU. I want to go to fancy brunch with you and drink mojitos and I promise I will always bring water.
    And my car has air conditioning.
    Just sayin’…


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Air conditioning. Yes. We don’t have air con in our car either, and it probably wouldn’t be worth it for the 11 days a year when it’s actually hot. Or the 19 when it’s warm. And anyway, we (over here in nothern Europe) should appreciate those few days because when the Gulf Stream slows down and eventually stops we will find ourselves desperately scratching around for food and shelter on the frozen tundras that was once our lush and beautiful forests, fields and lakes.

    But I digress. Air conditioning. Or lack thereof. Like you, I try to cool the car down by opening the window and/or sun roof, but the noise becomes deafening plus the scorching sun gets in my eyes. So instead I put the fan on full on ‘cold’, which fills the car with jet stream of hot dusty air.

    But it’s only a short drive home from work, so I shouldn’t really complain. I want to, but I shouldn’t. Great post. Glad you didn’t die.


    • lucysfootball

      There shouldn’t even bother being a fan. It does NOTHING for those of us without AC. It’s like a heater. Like a dusty heater. You’re completely right. It’s so gross.

      My drive home from work isn’t that bad – 15 minutes or so – but anything longer is so terrible. But, like you, there aren’t many days it’s an issue. Only probably mid-May to mid-September or so. 4 months. Only 1/3 of the year. I can do that! (But MAN does it get harder every year!)

      Keep your fingers crossed I don’t die this weekend. I have to drive round-trip 7 hours between tomorrow and Monday and it’s supposed to be 90 degrees. Sigh.


  • sj

    I LOVE that you took a kitty toy for their cat. You must be, like, the best friend ever.

    Someday we’ll get to hang out and we can bake together and drink lots of cool drinks with CRUSHED ICE FROM THE RESERVOIR!

    <3 <3 <3


  • Alison (@hlinefracture)

    The whole day sounds great except for almost dying of heat stroke. I live in Texas so I kinda think A/C IS necessary for life.

    (By the way, I found your blog through lgalaviz on twitter and have been enjoying your writing very much! I’ll try to comment and not just be a lurker.)


    • lucysfootball

      Oh, if I lived in Texas, I think I’d have to have it, no question. Here in NY, we only have about 4 months a year we need it, so it’s do-able.

      Anyone referred by @lgalaviz is sent by GOOD PEOPLE. I’m glad you’re here! Lurk all you want, comment if you want – whatever you’re comfortable with! I’m really very nice (well, except for when someone’s a total jerk. You don’t seem like a jerk. Therefore, I will be nice. Promise.) :)


  • Samantha

    Your day sounds like it was pretty fantastic, minus the almost dying part. My old Civic HX didn’t have air conditioning either…like it was never built into the car on that particular model. -_- Cue me driving to a job interview half an hour away trying not to look windblown or sweaty. *shakes head* So I definitely feel your pain.


    • lucysfootball

      Oh, that is the worst, when you’re trying to arrive somewhere trying to look NOT insane. I always have to put my hair up, and then in a hat so it doesn’t blow around, and I show up with sweaty hat-head. Gross.


  • cm

    I’m glad you survived! Long trips in hot cars ARE scary. Been there, done that :S
    It was a wonderful day and R still carries around his featherball. He even teased me with it. He brought it to me and when I went to pick it up, he swatted it away.
    You did an excellent job of finding a good likeness of R. But I also can not find a decent picture of Mr. Heusinger. Such a shame!


  • Jericha Senyak (@JerichaSenyak)

    I am very glad you are not dead, and also mojitos are delicious. if you ever come visit me we can totally have homemade ones. Also, those hip thingies? I am pretty sure they are what are officially termed “the Brad Pitts” because that’s what my bellydance teacher told us they were called when she was trying to teach us how to make them do exciting things. On ourselves, I mean. You mean the sexy v-muscles that point in a happy downwards arrow, right? Because those are my favorite bits. They inspire licking feelings. Definitely.


    • lucysfootball

      Yep, those are the ones. I don’t know any real-life people who have them, and I think you have to work out a LOT to get them, but I do so like to look at them. So, so pretty.


  • Heather

    I’m so glad you didn’t die of heat stroke while you were drinking. It also makes me happy that you took their kitty a toy.


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