Back from the play and a day from adventure! And listen, I’m pretty sure I might have almost died. ALMOST DIIIIIIEEEEDDDD.
But, we’ll get to that. The almost dying was later.
So I got up CRAZY EARLY for a Sunday. Crazy crazy. Because I had to be in Poughkeepsie at 11. And it’s about a two-hour drive. And I get ready in the mornings like a poky turtle, all slow and shit. So I poked around getting ready and the news said, “WHOO IT’S GOING TO BE SO SCORCHY TODAY!” and I was all, huh, this is probably bad news.
See, I have no air conditioning in my car. It’s never had it. Well, probably it did once. Before it was my car, back when it was someone ELSE’S car. But since I got it, two or three years ago, whenever that was, it’s never had air conditioning. And air conditioning is expensive to fix, and it’s not an expensive car. It’s a Taurus. I love it, because it’s the most reliable car I’ve ever owned, but it’s not fancy. I mean, it has a tape player. And sometimes the interior door panels fall off if I close the doors too hard. But when I turn the key? It starts. And it’s only broken down on the side of the road one time. I love it. I’ve had some super-sketchy cars in my life. This one’s my rock, this car.
Anyway, no air conditioning. The heat works just fine. It’s just the air conditioning that doesn’t work. And we really only need it from, like, late May to early September here, anyway. That’s not that much of the year. So every year, I’m all “eh, SO EXPENSIVE but also SO HOT” and then I don’t get it. Dad’s even offered to pay for it, but I feel it’s such a waste of money. So I feel terrible having him pay for something I can’t afford myself and that isn’t necessary for life, you know?
Anyway, I left early. It wasn’t so so hot. Just kind of hot. I opened the windows really wide and it was SO WINDY and I couldn’t even hear the radio at all or the GPS lady and also I put on a shit-ton of sunscreen because I burn like a fancy quiche the minute the sun touches me. I’m the worst.
I got there and YAY! Seeing C. and C.! And I didn’t even get lost a little bit! I got to meet their new cat. He is a very handsome tabby and very long and has a very giraffey neck and is very curious with HUGE eyes and was kind of scared of me but also interested in who this human was in his house that was not one of HIS humans. Also, I brought him a feathery toy, which he carried around in his mouth like he was a puppy. That was enjoyable. I liked him a lot. He’s a joyous crazy cat.
Then we went to FANCY BRUNCH. Super-fancy. It was in this place that looked like probably it was a singles bar when it wasn’t a brunch place. There were a lot of weird booths like on dating shows, and the lighting was all red and blue and sparkly. It made our food look weird because the lighting over our food was red. I’m pretty sure at night, people catch a lot of gonorrhea there. BUT, there were no STDs there when we were having brunch. That I was aware of, anyway. We had many eggs and muuuuuch bacon, and teeny tiny waffles that were as cute as buttons, and pineapple and C. had a mojito which I’ve never tried before and she let me try some and it was pretty yum. I think I could order one of those someday and be pleased with the outcome. The place was super-swank, and when we walked in I was worried they’d notice I was not at ALL swank and say, “not today, Sally” and send me packing, but they didn’t seem to care. The people eating weren’t so fancy. Just the hostesses and the waitresses, really. It was very nice and I approved wholeheartedly. Oh, also, we talked and talked and talked and laughed and laughed. That’s what we do when we’re together. I have all the best times with C. and C.
Then then then! We drove around and I got to see the house that C. and C. are probably maybe totally going to be buying Z!O!M!G! A house! One of my oldest friends and her boyfriend are getting a HOUSE together, you guys! The cutest little house! On the cutest little street with all the trees! I was so happy I totally almost bounced. Or, kind of did. Kind of did bounce. I am so happy for them. This is big exciting wonderful amazing news.
Then it was on to Vassar, college that is reminiscent of Hogwarts! By that point, it had officially hit a billion degrees. OK, fine, 96 degrees. And luckily it wasn’t humid. But, still, 96 degrees. SO SO SO HOT. And we had to walk a million miles across the pretty Vassar campus to get to the theater. OK, I’m exaggerating by like 999,999.75 miles. But in all the heat, it SEEMED like a million miles. Vassar is still the prettiest, even though it’s going through a lot of construction right now. Probably to make it more Hogwartian, is my guess.
So we arrived at the theater, sweaty and disheveled. My hair was doing all KINDS of crazy sweaty poking-up things today. Which I didn’t even see until I got to the bathroom at the intermission, so I was totally all crazy-person-looking all through Act One. Nice! The theater was teeny-tiny and the set was awesome and we were right on the aisle in the front row. Oh, also, one of the ushers was so insanely handsome I wanted to lick him all over. WHOA WITH THE HANDSOME. And he was nice, and totally talked about Pixar movies with me, so also a little geeky. SIGH SIGH SIGH.
Then the play! Chloe Sevigny was THREE FEET FROM ME! And she was very good! And so was the play! We were so pleased, because the last play we saw there was bad. SO SO BAD. Like, beyond bad. A kajillion times bad. I think I told you, it was based on The Crucible, and it was called Abigail/1702. It was the playwright’s imagining of what might have happened to Abigail Williams (the leader of the girls who accused the townspeople of witchcraft) ten years after the events of The Crucible. Since I love The Crucible so much, that could have either gone very wrong or very right, and YAY! It went very right! Chloe Sevigny played Abigail Williams, ten years later, haunted by what she’d done, and did it very well.
Patrick Heusinger played John Brown, a mysterious seafarer who enters her life. And HOLY HELL YOU GUYS. Now, he was very talented, and a wonderful actor, and I enjoyed his performance a great deal. But also? SO HANDSOME C. and I almost DIED.
At the intermission, I said, “What do you think the odds are that he’ll take his shirt off in Act Two?” and C. said, “Oh, we can only hope. WE CAN ONLY HOPE.” Guess what? He did. HE TOTES DID YO. And, oh, oh my. Abs and pecs and those hip-thingies that I don’t know what they’re called but they make me melt into a puddle of mush right there on the floor? Those things. WHOOOOOO. Apparently he was in Black Swan and Gossip Girl, but I barely remember him in either. Sad. Just sad, Amy. PAY MORE ATTENTION. (Shut up, yes, I watch Gossip Girl. I like pretty people doing silly things in New York City, and there’s often good music. Also, I like Ed Westwick. LEAVE ME BE.)
So, yeah. The play was good. VERY good. Well written, well acted, gorgeous set and lights and sound design, touching, intelligent (we had a lot of thought-provoking discussion on the walk back to the car, which I LOVE) and I only had a couple of teeny-tiny nitpicks but they were probably done for a reason I’m not privy to so I’m down with them. Such a success for me. So pleased I got to see it. There was no question-and-answer after it, like I thought there was going to be, because I had the date wrong. Because I apparently cannot read a calendar. Like a grownup lady.
Then we walked a MILLION MILES (exaggeration!) back to the car, and C. and C. nicely gave me some water for my drive home. When I got to the car, I realized, huh. I might need more than this bottle of water. This car is HOT, yo. SO SO HOT.
Yep. I drank the bottle of water in the first fifteen minutes of my two-hour drive. I then stopped at a gas station and bought a HUGE bottle of water. Like, the next size down from a GALLON, huge. It was two dollars. That seemed like a very good deal. In retrospect, I should have bought more of those.
Then came the ALMOST DYING part of our tale. I drove home – about an hour and forty-five more minutes. Opening the windows and driving on the highway didn’t do much, because the wind blowing in was about 900 degrees. At one point, I almost started to cry from the heat, until I realized I HAD NO MORE LIQUID IN MY BODY TO WEEP WITH. I had SWEATED IT ALL OUT. I finished the GIGANTIC BOTTLE OF WATER before I even got home. (And it got hot about half an hour into my drive. So I was drinking hot water! Well. DELICIOUS.) Then I started getting sleepy. I realized this was because I was dehydrated and I got up really early and I couldn’t listen to the radio to keep me awake because I WAS DRIVING IN A WIND TUNNEL OF CAR because I had to have the windows open, to let in all the hot hot wind, and IT WAS SO SO SO HOT but it wasn’t like I could pull over and take a nap, because I would frizzle up and die.
It was the worst drive of my life. Could have totally died. Or, not, probably. But when I got home, I drank glass after glass of ice water and I took a shower of COMPLETELY COLD WATER. Then I felt human again. And probably not dying. Also, for all the water I drank, I hardly peed, so either I sweated it all out, or maybe my kidneys have failed me due to my heatstroke.
There! My report on a VERY EXCITING DAY. Fun, right? Totally fun. I had the best time. Except for the almost-dying, of course. No one liked that part. Thank you for a wonderful day, C. and C!