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Adam, the goodliest man of men since born his sons; the fairest of her daughters Eve; oh, and a stegosaurus.

Is it science day? Yes, it seems to be. How lucky for our Science Fellow! And how lucky we HAVE a Science Fellow on days like this! 

Now, I come across many sciency articles in my day-to-day, and then I HOARD them. Like a CHIPMUNK. Not in my cheeks, that’d be crazy. You can’t save a website in your cheek. It’d get all soggy and shit. No, I have a FILE for them. It is labeled “stuff.” I know, descriptive, right? It’s where I keep…well…my stuff. And I realized today, look at all this sciency stuff! Let’s talk about our sciency stuff. 

Today, we have UFOs, Jesus dinosaurs, cake, and strippers. Um, Amy, you are saying. These don’t sound overly sciency. Are you sure they are sciency? YES I AM SHUSH YOU. 

What do you want first? Strippers? OK, fine, I’ll give in to your need for strippers first. I’m down with that. 

According to this article, if you are a stripper, you need to plan your work shifts around when you’re ovulating, because strippers make a metric shit-ton more tips when they’re ovulating as opposed to when they’re not. 

Is that not mind-boggling? 

Here’s a breakdown of how much women made, tip-wise, according to this one study, based on their time of the month. 

  • Women menstruating: $35 (I’m guessing this is because the women wanted to stab their customers because of the cramping, and who wants to give a tip to a stripper who’s all bloated and stabby?)
  • Women anytime between menstruation and ovulation: $50
  • Women ovulating: $70 

Now, women on the pill averaged $37 an hour overall, as opposed to women not on the pill, who averaged $53 an hour overall. 

Apparently, according to SCIENCE, when you are ovulating, you experience “changes in body odor, waist-to-hip ratio, and facial features.” Also, you dance on the pole more seductively. Huh. Really? Mostly when I’m ovulating I get weird shooting pains, and I’m all “oh crap in like two weeks THAT shit’s going to happen again EFF ME BEING A LADY-PERSON IS SO EXHAUSTING” so I’m cranky. But I’m always cranky, it’s not like that’s a new occurrence or anything. So, wait, does that mean I’m broken? How come my ovulation milkshake doesn’t bring all the boys to the yard? Why do I have a broken ovulator? 

Now, to be fair, according to Jezebel, real-life strippers did this study themselves and found out it was WRONG. (Also the scientists studied ONE CLUB over TWO MONTHS. Bad scientists. BAD!)

Anyway, so, fellas, the next time you’re at a strip club, remember, the stripper you find the most appealing probably really isn’t; she’s possibly just totally fertile, so if you end up letting her climb your pole, use protection or you might find yourself a daddy all of a sudden, you deadbeat. (Also, be nice to strippers if you go to a strip club because they work really hard and the one time I went to a strip club they were SO SO NICE and totally let us use their secret bathroom since there were no ladies’ rooms in the strip club and we got to see their dressing rooms and it was like being backstage of a theater except the costumes were scanty and the makeup was pasties and glitter.) 

Much nicer than you’d think! Also, willing to share their bathroom, aw!

What do you want next. Jesus dinosaurs? OK, good. Andreas, I can hear you now shaking your head about how NOT SCIENCY this is. There is totally a scientific basis to everything I’m discussing today. I stand by that 100%. 

In Kentucky (slogan: “Unbridled Spirit,” which is nowhere NEAR as good as their original slogans, “It’s That Friendly” and “Where Education Pays” – I’m totally serious about these), there is a museum called The Creation Museum. In The Creation Museum, you learn important things. One of which is that Adam and Eve hung out with velociraptors. 

Here are Adam and Eve. In the background: DINOSAURS.

Apparently everyone knew about this place but me (and it was in the movie Religulous, which I really have got to get my hands on at some point, you people need to start reminding me of these things), because there are a LOT of awesome photos of it on the intertubes. But this museum is about dinosaurs, and also the BIBLE. And it tells you how God created dinosaurs on the same day he created all the other animals, and the dinosaurs lived in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve and tra-la-la everyone was so cheery. I guess until one of the T. Rexes ate Eve and then Adam had to commit the sin of Onan, or maybe have sex with a goat or something. Oh, also it says dinosaurs were on Noah’s Ark. Man, that ark must have had much chaos what with the chompery on the less-angry species, right? 

I am writing this at work, and I can’t click on the website for The Creation Museum because it’s blocked. Due to “religion.” I AM SO OFFENDED WORK. I am having to research this using a combination of people’s reviews, Wikipedia, and random other sites. It is not optimal. 

Apparently, the point of this museum is to “equip Christians to better evangelize the lost.” Hee! “The lost.” HELP WHERE AM I. Or maybe Sawyer and Jack and Kate! Oh, and in case you’re wandering around the museum and you’re like, “Dude! I AM ONE OF THE LOST!”, “To help the museum’s mission to evangelize, a chaplain is on staff for visitors in need of spiritual guidance.” HELPFUL. Also, to work there you have to sign a statement that you hate the gays and you believe that Adam and Eve hung out with velociraptors and that Noah’s Ark really happened and everything in the Bible was real, I’m assuming up to and including Balaam’s talking donkey. Oh, OH, also, all African-Americans are the “cursed offspring of Ham.” That’s a new one on me. That’s a thing? Good grief, like there’s not ENOUGH racism in the world. Also, apparently if they know you’re there to mock it and you’re sciency, they make you sign something that you won’t mock it while you’re in there, or say anything like “THIS IS QUACKERY BULLSHIT.” (I highly recommend you click on that link in the last sentence. It is intelligent and wonderfully written and hilarious. I very much would have liked to visit the museum with this guy. “I do not think I like these people.” Indeed.) 

Also, apparently the museum, in order to explain WHY T. Rex wouldn’t have just chomped the shit out of Adam and Eve, decided to say T. Rex was a vegetarian. You know, because that’s what you do when science doesn’t fit what you’re trying to explain with the Bible. ZOMG is Andreas’s head exploding right now, I can hear it across the WORLD exploding. (Also, Andreas, to add insult to injury? The dinosaurs are even made wrong. Their skin is wrong, their bone structure is wrong, they stand wrong, and because the museum people don’t like that some dinosaurs had feathers because it doesn’t fit into the Biblical timeline they’ve made up, they took off the feathers. Love it? Thought so.) 

ZOMG also DRAGONS you guys. DRAGONS!!!1!!

A full-sized replica of Noah’s Ark that you can take an adventure on will be unveiled in 2014. It is called ARK ENCOUNTER. Man I hope that part of ARK ENCOUNTER is that you get eaten by a velociraptor. Unless those are vegetarians, now, too. I’m not sure if all the dinosaurs are vegetarians in this version of the past or not. 

Listen, I can’t be the only person who wants to go to this museum to mock it so bad right now, right? Thing is, it’s doing REALLY WELL. And I can only imagine those of us going there to mock it make up, like, half of the clientele. Which means the other half? ARE PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT ADAM AND EVE RODE TRICERITOPS LIKE TINY PONIES. 

All saddled up and ready for ridin’.

Sometimes I despair, I really do. 

Let’s talk about something less stabbity and more delicious. Cake. Mmmm, cake. 

According to this article, the reason we’re all fat and eating all the HoHos is because the economy sucks. 

Yummmmm.

Apparently, in our brain, we’re like, eff this, the world’s going to hell in a handbasket, LIVE FOR TODAY I WILL EAT ALLLLL THE PUDDING, and then we do and we all get diabetes. 

Apparently, what you’re supposed to do in order to make better food choices is calm the hell down and think about the long-term and not about the short-term and blah blah bliddedy blah did someone say cake earlier? I think they did. 

Listen, I have no idea if the science backs this up. It seems to, whatever. The sheer fact of the matter is, cake and potato chips and pizza and food that is bad for us is DELICIOUS. Things that are less delicious? A healthy garden salad, or a bowl of Wheaties with skim milk. We are intelligent. We KNOW the latter is better for us than the former. But we ALSO know that MAN that cake is full of delicious noms. Is it a live-for-today thing? Maybe. But also it’s a “my tastebuds are happier when I have me some buttercream frosting, yo” thing. Do with that what you will, science-types. 

Finally? UFOs. 

Apparently there’s a show coming out about UFOs, so the people making the show did a survey, and 36% of Americans believe in UFOs. 1 in 10 people who responded think they’ve SEEN a UFO. 77% of respondents believe there are signs that aliens have visited earth at one point or another (yet the article doesn’t tell us what these signs are. I’m guessing The Creation Museum.) And 65% of respondents think that Obama would handle an Independence-Day-style invasion better than Romney. (I agree. All that spaceship-wind would muss the HELL out of Romney’s perfectly-styled politician-coif.) 

…watch the hair, aliens. THE HAIR.

Also, there are a LOT of people who believe in conspiracy theories like my Dad does, because 79% of people think the government is hiding evidence of aliens and 55% think the Men in Black really exist. 

Um. Well, here’s my theory on aliens, if you care. I think it’s really short-sighted to think we’re the only intelligent form of life that exists. So do I think there’s something else out there? Yeah, probably. Somewhere. Do I think they’ve been here? Don’t know. Probably not. We’d know if they had, wouldn’t we? Probably? I guess if they came a long time ago, maybe not. But if they came now, I don’t know how it could be kept a secret. Not with cell phone videos and YouTube and everything. I mean, secrets aren’t kept that well anymore, not in the age of the internet. 

I’ve never seen anything I can’t explain that might be a spaceship. I know someone who has, but I promised that person I’d never mention it to anyone so I won’t. But that person seemed really, really serious when telling me about it, and I believe that person truly believes that what was seen was of alien origin.  

48% of respondents, by the way, said they “weren’t sure” whether or not they believed in UFOs. That’s the majority of respondents. I’m in the majority on this one. 

There you go! More scienciness than you can shake a sciency stick at! Isn’t science day the best?  

I’m going to go check the backyard and see if there are any T. Rexes or maybe velociraptors hanging out outside and then maybe I can RIDE them. Huzzah! 

Oh. Shit. Guess I’m not riding one of these. (Hee! This is totally going to take a nip out of this guy’s suity butt.)

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

55 responses to “Adam, the goodliest man of men since born his sons; the fairest of her daughters Eve; oh, and a stegosaurus.

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Ok. Ok! Ok. *draws breath* I’ve got things to say about all the subjects in this post. ALL of them. Things. To say. But first I need a coffee and something strong, because GODDAMN!

    Like

  • blogginglily

    I started reading that link, but honestly that whole creationist/evolutionist thing gets me stabby and I had to stop. Cause I also linked to a link in the linked guys post. . . and I was afraid I would get lost trying to come back here.

    Nothing will muss that hair. Nothing. Your argument is invalid.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Hee! My arguments are often invalid, it’s true. That hair is pretty solid.

      That guy’s post is good. You should read it. He writes well, and he’s funny as hell.

      Like

      • blogginglily

        don’t tell me what to do! I read about half of it. . . then my brain started trailing off and when I came back I saw pictures of cupcakes and i was like, “okay, i’m BACK!”

        Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Ok.

    Ok.

    *sips coffee*

    Ok.

    Right: strippers. Or rather ovulation. Have you watched the (totally awesome) television series called The Human Animal on the BBC network by Desmond Morris? In episode 4 (‘Biology of Love’) he addresses the effect of ovulation on modern human society. Studies show that of women going dancing, the one’s who are ovulating are more scantily clad. Desmond Morris recons this is down to a subconscious urge to attract a mate when most fertile. Hormones released during ovulation would potentially heighten the sexual lust, making the women dress accordingly.

    I don’t know about strippers though, I have a feeling they don’t really strip for fun, but rather for the money. But I guess it might be easier to pretend to be all sexy if you actually feel a little more sexy? But I’m not an expert on strip tease, so I wouldn’t like to say.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Ooh, no, I haven’t seen that, but it sounds awesome. I love things like that. I watched a documentary about human reproduction once that was so interesting – from courting to reproduction to birth, but all from the scientific point of view. Absolutely fascinating. I love things like that.

      I need to start tracking when I feel lustiest. This will be a PROJECT.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    So. Creation Museum.

    *gulps Disaronno Originale; coughs*

    I can’t really.. No. I won’t respond to the horrendous inaccuracies, that would just give them credit. But I will comment on the concept of a Creationist Dinosaur Museum.

    Little boys and girls love dinosaurs. LOVE dinosaurs. If I had to guess, it would be the ONE deal breaker for a young child trying to accept the bible as absolute truth. Child: “But what about the dinosaurs?” Parent: “No, they didn’t really exist.” Child: “Oh. In that case I’ll become an atheist instead.” Parent: (thinks) “Oh shit. I’m losing him/her. We need to come up with something double quick.” (out loud) “What I meant was: why don’t we go to a museum? That will explain everything, all official-like.” Child: “Will there be dinosaurs?” Parent: “Yes. Yes, there will.”

    So there you have it: Dinosaurs are the fix used to get children into religious sects and shun scientific facts. You read it here first.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      They actually mentioned something along those lines in one of the articles I read – one of the moms they interviewed said, “My son sees the billboards on the highway and wants to go to the dinosaur museum, and I have to explain to him why we can’t go there; that it’s not a dinosaur museum, but a religious museum, and I don’t think that’s right.” So it works both ways, I guess. It seems like a mean trick either way.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Also: I’d be surprised if more than 10% of the visitors to the Creation Museum are there to mock it. I recon the majority are there to be educated, the God way.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Recent findings suggest that Tyrannosaurus Rex might not have been a hunter but a scavenger. However, no findings have even suggested that it ate carrots. (Which is understandable, since carrots didn’t exist 70 million years ago.)

    Like

  • sj

    Oh, Amy. I get the mittelschmerz too. :( I swear it’s worse than what comes two weeks later, so I can’t imagine trying to be all sexy and dancy then. Ugh.

    I can not stop laughing at the VEGETARIAN T-REX!!!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      He only likes salads. And veggie burgers. Also, tofurkey. Heh.

      Now that I know there’s a fancy German word for it, you know I like it about 50% more, right? Right.

      Like

      • sj

        Not to get all TMI-y up on your comments section, but the mittelschmertz for me is almost debilitating for 2 or 3 days a month. Even just sitting is the most painful.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          Mine is ouchy, but not as bad as the actual event. That’s when I want to be dead. UGH THE WORST. My doctors are all, “We…um…we really don’t know what’s happening here. This is unprecedented.” Thanks. That’s reassuring, doc.

          Like

          • sj

            Everything related to all that girly stuff has become worse as I’ve aged/had children. It’s pretty much the worst ever after baby girl. My body is saying DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT GETTING KNOCKED UP AGAIN.

            Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Re depression cakes: Yes, it’s a thing. In times of uncertainty, people tend to eat more junk food, bet more on horses (dogs, ostriches whatever..) and buy more lottery tickets. It’s to do with our instant gratification urge, which gets harder to control if we feel a bit down. I guess it’s something like: “Well, at least I can have some cake. I deserve some cake. To cheer me up.”

    Like

  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    Gah!! I’m so sick and tired of ‘Creationists’ trying to be all science-y, and claiming that if you are a Christian, you can’t believe in evolution! I AM A CHRISTIAN AND I THINK CREATIONISM IS A CROCK!! My belief in God is not shaken by the evidence of evolution! Look, God exists outside of time & space, so He’s perfectly capable of “creating” using evolution as the tool. I don’t think it makes Him any less awesome – in fact, I think REAL science makes God even awesome-er!! I mean, quantum physics is AMAZING!!! Any God who can put that kind of stuff in play, is pretty cool, in my book!

    Seriously, people! God doesn’t expect us to turn off our brains in order to believe in Him. *sigh*

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I agree. I don’t see any reason that God and evolution can’t exist side-by-side. Well, I guess if you’re one of those people who take every single word in the Bible literally. Thing is, those people don’t follow ALL of it literally. They wear clothing with two fabrics blended, for example, even though the Bible forbids that. Or eat shellfish. I don’t think you should be allowed to pick and choose if you’re going to be weird about taking a book at face value.

      Like

    • lynnettedobberpuhl

      Like! I hate it when small groups of noisy Christians go and make the rest of us look like total idiots. And there is no talking to them.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Regarding UFOs: We’ve been listening for intelligent life on other planets for decades now (the SETI project), without hearing as much as a peep. There might be several reasons for that, but it is perplexing. The problem is know as the Fermi paradox after Italian physicist Enrico Fermi, who stated: “Where is everyone?”. I blogged about this a while back (heads up, here comes a plug!) in my post http://heinakroon.com/2010/06/08/the-fermi-paradox-or-%e2%80%98where-is%c2%a0everyone%e2%80%99/

    So do UFOs exist then? Or not? Well, if other intelligent creatures do exist, it would be arrogant to assume that some of them wouldn’t be able to create spaceships. They might have discovered ways to travel faster-than-light (Wormholes, perhaps? Or warp drive possibly (Yes, it’s a thing. And no, not only in Star Trek!)), so they might be able to visit Earth.

    If they DID visit Earth would they be able to keep it secret? Possibly. They could make themselves invisible, either physically (difficult) or mentally by distorting our perception (easier). Would they WANT to visit us? I don’t know. Perhaps. It depends on how rare intelligent life and/or civilisations are out there.

    If they had visited us, would the government be able to keep it a secret (a.k.a. conspiracy theories)? No. Not a chance. I’ve written a post on conspiracy theories as well (plug plug plug): http://heinakroon.com/2010/06/15/the-truth-about-conspiracy-theories/

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      You can always plug. You have my permission. I have to read those posts. After lunch, if things slow down here, hopefully.

      I read a quote by Stephen Hawking the other day that said something like, “If the government is covering up proof of alien visitations, they’re doing a better job of that than anything else they’ve ever done.” (I’m sure he said it a lot more intellectually than that, of course.) It made me laugh.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    You might be able to ride a Utahraptor. If it didn’t eat you first. http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f9/Dromie_scale.png

    Like

  • elaine4queen

    i think getting eaten by a dinosaur on the ark might be the least of your problems. i mean, some of them were BIG. and VEGETARIANS. i am concerned about storage.

    Like

  • elaine4queen

    mmm… *ham*… (dammit! i just ate my tea, and i am still hungry!)

    also, desmond morris is great. he brought out a great big book called ‘manwatching’ decades ago which i got for xmas as a kid because i asked for it. me and the uncles. precocious, qui, petite moi?

    anyway, try to get it from the library, it’s got lots of pictures and ideas.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    P.S. I love how they managed to cover everything up, even though Adam and Eve are stark naked. “Oh, her hair just happened to fall like that. No, it did. What? Sure they had water lilies in Eden! See for yourself!”

    Like

  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    Okay, why has no one theorized that the scientists who did the two-month-ovulating-stripper study were simply looking to justify hanging out at the strip club until they could no longer afford drinks and tips?

    I would be ejected from the Creation museum for Tourette’s-like hoots of dismay and amusement. However IF there were dinosaurs on the ark, I think it would have made sense to throw the poo over the side. But you’d need to pack extra herbivores; two of each wouldn’t feed the lot. OH! Maybe that’s when they went extinct!

    I think eating cake is like sucking my thumb. Comfort. And the world can be cruelly short on comfort so thank God (or science!) for cake.

    I don’t know if UFOs have visited Earth, but I love Dr. Who and X Files and all the Star Treks. LOVE them.

    Like

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