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I’d make a doggy-style joke, but I’m MUCH too classy for that. Much.

Howdy, Sunday. How’s your weekend, good? I am currently having brunch with C. and C. at a fancy brunchy place full of brunchiness. Listen, there are very few things I like more than brunch. Because breakfast meats! And eggs! And did I mention the breakfast meats?And look how pretty!

Well, obviously, this is the place at NIGHT, and we’re going to be there during the DAY, but it’s still this pretty, with the river and all. Oooh!

Then we’re off to the fancy play at the fancy, fancy Vassar in the front row with the fancy famous people.

Ooh! Aah! Powerhouse!

Today is going to be a good day. I probably won’t even have time to miss you all, internet. I know, right? That’s INSANE. Don’t worry, I’ll be home before it gets dark.

We have some things to discuss! Some random interesting things!

First, look who’s a winner! Me! I am a winner!

Cat from Cat’s Litter Box has given me the Let Them Eat Cake award. This is nice, because it’s an award she made all by herself, and there are no RULES involved with the award. Like, “do all the linking to all the people” (which, as you all know, is the reason I cannot accept all the awards, because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings) and “answer all these way personal questions about yourself” (but, let’s face it, I don’t mind those, I’m kind of an open book, or I just lie, or refuse to answer the question, whatever strikes me as a good idea at the time, I mean, how would you even know?) AND no other things I have to do like sing a song or make a video or email a bunch of people in a chain-letter-like situation or ANYTHING.

Look what I won!

I know, you’re all EW EW EW but it’s actually a CAKE! A delicious cake! That only LOOKS like icky cat litter! That makes me smile. I got this award because, according to Cat, “If I actually wrote on my blog, rather than post pictures of bacon and Star Wars things, it would sound just like Lucy’s football” and “The blogs that I actually read give me a lot of pleasure, information or insight.” WELL! That’s a huge compliment, right? THANK YOU CAT! Cat is awesome, and creative and talented, and I am so pleased she likes my blog because it’s like someone FANCY noticing you and talking to you at a party and politely choosing to ignore the stains on your blouse and the fact that your lipstick is all crooked. HUZZAH!

Next, look, you can all learn all about your personality, and also maybe have a seizure in the process!

Look into the design. Look DEEEEEEEP into the design. Now go buy me some pudding. Good. GOOD.

One of my commenters, Kris, sent me a link to this a while ago and I put it in my file of “whaaa?” things and then today I was like, we should discuss this now please thanks. So here’s a link to this test. But listen! This personality test can cause SEIZURES and also DEATH. Here, from the homepage:

“This diagnostic is contra-indicated for individuals at risk of seizure or otherwise troubled by incongruous noises or strobing lights. This diagnostic tool should be administered (and all results intermediated) by an experienced clinician, so that suggestible individuals or those with a precarious sense of self can avoid feelings of depersonalization, loss of affect, or ego death.”

Oh, wait, not DEATH. EGO death. My mistake.

Anyway, I’ve already taken this, but it was a while ago and I forgot to write down what happened so I have to do it again so I can tell you my results. I promise it won’t cause ego death. My ego remains alive and well after taking the test. It DOES strobe a lot, though, so migraine and seizure trigger, I guess. Also, there are noises, and you need them in order to take the test properly, so if you’re at work, wait til you get home. If I get you fired, I’ll feel terrible and I can’t afford to send you any money. Oh, also? It moves REALLY FAST. It’s like a mindfuck video game of PSYCHOLOGY. Be prepared, jellybeans.

Ready? Here we go. Oh, the things I do for love.

OK, all the questions say weird things like “Your hands are covered in blood, WHY” and then you choose a block of color that is “morally correct” in order to win. Also, the background sounds are like what would happen if you were losing your mind in a haunted house.

Like in this basement. The noises in this basement. Gah.

Sample questions also include: “In the dark, a warm liquid flows over your thighs. How can you forget?” and “If you think these words, they will know.” Sometimes things pop up on the screen like “You are not paying attention” or “You are not following instructions.” This is very much like what would happen if you were in the mental institution. I’m quite sure of it.

My “diagnosis”:

You are overly inhibited and unsure of yourself and this likely has lead to a sense of the world closing in on you. You often feel that emotional relationships bring with them responsibilities or limitations that will be damaging to your sense of self. Compromise is seen as a threat to your identity.

A disappointment has lead you to a state of indecision and a pervasive uncertainty about the possibility of the future improving. Stress is the natural result, and you feel rising levels of uncertainty and anxiety, causing you to avoid situations where you will be forced to make a decision. Often this will express itself in a series of meaningless distractions, whether in the form of entertainment, intoxicants or romance.

Hmm. I don’t think I got this result the first time. I remember it being more insightful before. I think it’s mad at me. These results make me seem a LOT crazier than I am. Also, since when is “romance” a meaningless distraction? What would be a meaningFUL distraction, then?

Also, from the results page:

“There is a chance this test could cause a mild case of information poisoning or identity sickness. If symptoms of disassociation or existential dread continue for more than a day, please contact a therapist.”

You can also click and become one of their representatives but it’s all very creepy and you had to enter an email address and I love you all, but I’m not signing up for spam for you just to find out what the hell’s going on here. It’s probably an ad for a video game or something.

Anyway, tell me what your results are, if you take this and don’t get a seizure or “identity sickness,” whatever that is.

Next: in icky true news of Florida, now you know where to go if you want to be orally serviced by your dog.

This dog is shocked. And a little embarrassed for you, frankly.

According to this very, very informational article that I found for you, a man was arrested for both child porn and for bestiality, but will only be charged with the bestiality, because Florida had a heretofore un-thought-of loophole.

I also found this. If you try to molest an alligator, it will eat your whole hand and/or private area. So, please. By all means. Molest ALL the alligators.

Apparently, according to the LETTER OF THE LAW in Florida (yes, yes, it’s the ickiest that there has to be a law, SPELLED OUT, with TECHNICAL TERMS, for different TYPES of bestiality) as long as you don’t PENETRATE your pooch, or your pooch doesn’t penetrate YOU, you’re golden. But AMY! What does that leave all the lonely people? you’re asking.

Apparently, that means your dog (or cat, or ferret, or hamster, I suppose) can lick you. That is TOTALLY FINE. And our good buddy Eric Antunes from above only was doing THAT with “his girlfriend’s three legged dog” (EUPHEMISM? Nah. There’s no need for a euphemism in a story like this one, it’s not hiding NOTHIN’) he’s only in trouble for the child porn. No way around the child porn, Eric the Energetic. You kind of screwed the pooch there. HA! Oh, wait, no, no you didn’t, that’s why you’re not in trouble.

So, if you want to slip in (THAT one’s a euphemism) under the wire before they change that law, run on down to Florida and coat your junk with peanut butter. You’re welcome! (No, actually, you’re really not. You know how I feel about animal abuse, right? This is animal abuse, you assholes. STOP IT.)

This dog HEARTILY disapproves. HEARTILY. As do I.

And, finally, in VERY EXCITING NEWS, it was pointed out to me recently on Twitter that both sj and Ken really should have official titles over here on the old bloggidy blog. I mean, we have:

…and we have:

So, INTRODUCING…drumrollllll drumrollllll drumrolllll….

AND…

Please proffer them your MOST GIGANTIC CONGRATULATIONS! It is nice that I am slowly establishing a whole battalion of experts. I have science, fly-nance (that once covers a lot of ground, so that’s good), music, and euphemism. It’s really only a matter of time before I take over the world with all this knowledge at my fingertips, seriously.

Happy Sunday! Can’t wait to tell you all about the play!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

10 responses to “I’d make a doggy-style joke, but I’m MUCH too classy for that. Much.

  • sj

    I am totally going to take that test when I’m at the laptop and all the kids are in bed. Right now I’m trying to contain some rage (long day, long story), so I’d probably get terrible results anyway.

    I feel I should include songs in my comments from now on. Not this one, though, cos, y’know – phone.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh, no! Hope you’re ok. I feel bad, I was gone all day. Let me know if you need to vent. I’ll be up for a few more hours.

      You include ALL THE SONGS. You have excellent taste. I have the BEST Master Musicologist. :)

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    My most sincere congratulations to sj and lahikmajoe for their honourable and well-deserved promotions! Looking forward to all the songs and euphemisms!

    Like

  • catpenfold

    I’m glad you like the award. I would make you the cake, but I’m out of Pimms.

    Like

  • Handflapper

    How is getting a dog to lick your peanut butter covered junk animal abuse? Dogs LOVE to lick junk. They lick their own ALL. THE. TIME. And this way, they’re getting an extra treat as well. I think your standards for animal abuse are way too rigorous.

    I am going to take the now. You probably don’t want to know what I find out, do you?

    Like

  • Handflapper

    Oh, take the TEST now. What the hell, me?

    Like

  • Handflapper

    “You do not realize how uncertain you really are about your place in society and the status of your personal relationships. This unconscious uncertainty will lead you to avoid conflict and stress even when such behavior can be damaging to your own self interests. There is a feeling that the problems of life must simply be endured.

    You may appear distant and disapproving, however this attitude is likely caused by a severe disappointment. In all likelihood, you are combating a pair of opposing forces in regard to a romantic relationship. Often a relationship will have gone sour or is otherwise disappointing, and yet options of escape and future promise are minimal, leaving you to feel that the best course of action may be to remain and weather it out.”

    Um. . . No?

    Like

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