Oh, kakopos. THAT’S not going to propagate the species.

Random crap Tuesday? Yes I think I will THANK YOU. 

Last week, my old roommate (and good friend who I miss all the time and am SO SAD she moved away, wah) C. emailed me and said, “Do you want to come visit? We can see a play at Vassar!” A couple of years ago, we went to see a play at Vassar. It was called PIRATE! And it was the STUPIDEST THING EVER. We still make fun of it. It made no sense, and we couldn’t even make FUN of it, it was so bad. So we were all, “VASSAR WHY ARE YOU EMBARRASSING US LIKE THIS.” (Vassar, for the .00002 of you who don’t know, is a fancy private college south of me, down where C. lives. It used to be a girl’s school. It’s just a school now. In the summer, they have a theater program where famous people come in and act and it’s very hoity-toity. Also, when you walk around on the campus, you feel like you’re at Hogwarts. Every building looks like a historic castle.) 

Castles, right? Totally castles.

Anyway, I did some research and they’re doing a play based on The Crucible (which I inexplicably love – I think it’s something about the crowd mentality, and how people behave under pressure, and how it’s an allegory for McCarthyism – I just find it a really well-written piece of work) called Abigail/1702it’s about events five years after the events of The Crucible. I like that idea a lot. To add to the excitement, guess who’s starring as the scorned crushee and lying accuser Abigail Williams? Chloe Sevigny!

Kids? Trees Lounge? Boys Don’t Cry? The upcoming season of American Horror Story? Yes, fine, also Big Love, but I don’t care about that show. That’s probably where most of you know her from, though. And and AND, C. got us FRONT ROW SEATS. ZOMG, you GUYS! I’m going to be FRONT ROW to see a very famous famous person! At a college that looks like Hogwarts! In a play I’m excited about! This is totally zingy news, I can’t even tell you. Also, the website tells me there’s a post-show discussion so that’s exciting, right? YES, it is! Bounce, bounce, bounce. 

Also, I get to see C., and C., her fella who makes me laugh (I know, that’s a lot of C.s and is probably confusing you, sorry), and her cats! One of whom I have not yet met! He is a NEW cat, aw! Yay for new cats! He is full of vim and vigor and I am very excited to meet him. Yay for adventures! Next Sunday, too! Less than a week away! 

Next, let’s talk about SEX BIRD. 

OK, so BFF sent me an email, the gist of which was, “hey, there’s this bird? It tries to have sex with humans.” Well, I like crazy things like that! Which he well knows. That’s why he’s BFF, you see. 

So I went to this link and read the story of the kakopo, the bird too stupid to perpetuate its own species. 

See, the kakopo, in case you didn’t want to click, is a large, strange-looking green parrot in New Zealand. It is flightless, and it hops all around being green and curious-looking.  


The kakopo also seem very stupid, and I think might be the Dumbcat of birds.  

“The flightless nocturnal birds, while essentially ground dwelling, are strong climbers but freeze when confronted by a threat, making them easy pickings for predators.” 

Freeze! Freeze when confronted! Well, no wonder they’re going extinct, of course things are going to eat you if you don’t know enough to run away! Even Dumbcat knows to hide in the pots and pans cupboard! 

Freezing and falling out of trees. That’s the kakopo for you!

Apparently back in the day there used to be so many of these things you could shake them out of New Zealand bushes (NOT A EUPHEMISM) like apples, but now they’re all freezing and whatnot and dogs and cats and “stoats” are eating them. (Stoats are adorable weasel-creatures.) 

Aw, stoat! Cute, right? So cute.

Also, to add insult to their freeze-tag injury, the kakopo males “…also attract mates by emitting a deep booming sound from thoracic air sacs, turning them into conspicuous targets for hunters in the night forest.” So they’re freezing, and also SCREAMING ALL LOUD “COME AT ME BRO!” to the hunters while they look for lay-deeeez? Oh, my, kakopo. It might be survival of the fittest that you’re going extinct. 

Kakopo also are lazy and slow breeders. They only like to breed when there’s a lot of fruit on the trees. Oh, also with humans. Did I mention, also with humans? Yep. 


“In the early days of the conservation effort, rangers even wore an outlandish rubber helmet dotted with dimples in an unsuccessful attempt to collect kakapo sperm when males tried to mate with their heads.” 

ZOMG BEST. Can you even imagine?  Kakopos totally know how to give head. Ba-dum-bum.

“Off to work, Martha!”
“Don’t forget your dimpled sperm-helmet, Frank!” 

“Kakopo, NO! Down, kakopo. DOWN KAKOPO!”

Then the article was all, hey, want to watch a video of a bird trying to mate with a guy’s head? And I was like, YES I DO, WHAT? IT’S LIKE YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ME WHEN YOU ASK THAT QUESTION. 


The look on that bird’s face. His wings. The actor (Stephen Fry, I guess? I don’t know who that is, but I feel like I’ve heard the name before) trying SO HARD not to just break out into hysterical laughter over the whole thing. The poor zoologist trying to be all serious about it.  


So the kakopo population has doubled recently, but only because people are working really hard at it. The kakopos are too busy humping people’s heads and looking all into it to bother. 

Oh, ok, you probably want to know about how my play went last week because I’ve totally been remiss in telling you? Very well. It went very well. I screwed up one light cue but I think only the actors and the director and I noticed; an actor messed up one entrance, but I think only the director and I noticed. So overall, huge success; the audience loved it, the board of directors loved it, and the director did a wonderful job so will be asked to submit shows for consideration to be a director for our 2013-2014 season (that was the point of the showcase last week, it was her “audition” for the board of directors, so to speak.)  So, all was well, and other than various board-of-directorly duty things (board meetings, running auditions, ushering, attending critiques, etc.) and one showcase we’re doing next month that I’m running the lights for (which will be simple), I’m on a theater break until – get this – FEBRUARY. I know! Is that not the nicest thing you’ve ever heard? I can relax, I can do MY things, I can bon vivant, I can write write write write WRITE – this is going to be fantastic! 

I have been the MOST remiss in mentioning that I received an award from the lovely Emma over at Does My Bum Look Big in This? And, as always, I’m going to jerk out and not accept, because I hate nominating other blogs. Someone always gets left out and someone’s feelings always get hurt and it’s a whole thing. BUT, that is NOT going to stop me from talking about how much I love the lovely Emma. Emma is my secret British kid sister; she is wonderful and amazing and I love her and want her to have all good things and success and happiness and joy and also maybe kitten-rainbows. She is sweet and smart and funny and brave and honest and we both like serial killers and American Horror Story and she has a wonderful writer’s voice, and I predict many good things for her in her life because of it. So, thank you, Emma! I think you’re the bee’s knees, and I appreciate the award so much, even though I didn’t accept it because I’m the worst at accepting awards because I hate when people yell at me for not including them on a list of blogs that I like, or not including them on my blogroll, and then I get acid indigestion. 

And finally…your results for the Fifty Shades of Gray poll…should I keep reading these terrible things and blog about them? Should I not? 

In a SURPRISE UPSET, by TWO POINTS, the no votes have it! I DO NOT HAVE TO KEEP READING THESE BOOKS! Thank you, you guys. Most sincerely, thank you for that. 

I can’t for the life of me figure out how to show you the results that I’m seeing on this screen. Yeah, I’m not the most technologically advanced. (Oh, wait, I figured it out, I can’t unless I “upgrade to a pro account.” Well, screw you, PollDaddy. I guess you’re all going to have to trust me? Eep. Maybe I can take a cellphone picture of the screen later. THAT’S sticking it to the man, yo!) I got 19 no votes and 17 yes votes. One of the yes votes was a write in. The write in was “Can you digitally record yourself while you read the most embarrassing part” with no punctuation at all, which both made me nervous, then snort-laugh. So I texted it to BFF, and then we had a three-hour “let’s turn Fifty Shades into a musical” text-a-thon which was just the best thing ever. Sample lyric from the finale song, entitled “Laters, baby”: “Laters, baby…see ya, maybe…shouldn’t have trusted my heart to Christian Gray…*sigh* Gee.” 

There will also be a dream-sequence “Beauty School Dropout”-style number starring Ana’s Inner Goddess (played by Lady Gaga, of course.) 

Don’t worry, once we make our Fifty Shades of Gray musical millions, I won’t forget you guys. I’ll still blog, in-between hanging out with NPH and Stephen Sondheim. 

Look how dapper. We’re going to have the best time.

And there you go! Tuesday in the CAN! Whoo-hoo! Listen, we totally have a short week next week. Because of MERKA. This is great, I can’t wait.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

30 responses to “Oh, kakopos. THAT’S not going to propagate the species.

  • sj


    Look, if you want, I will totally tell you about the stupid ish that happened so that you can laugh and laugh and roll your eyes and laugh some more.


    • lucysfootball

      Someone on Twitter told me a huge spoiler that was also repulsive. I don’t want to spoil it in case someone (let’s hope not, but I’m not an asshole, even for bad books) is still working their way through this nonsense but it made me happy the poll went the way it did.

      Also, BFF was reading them. He said he got about 2 chapters into the second book and was like, “Nope, not enough time in the world to subject myself to this” and put it down for good. Heh.


  • Kathy Schechtman

    Love your quirky crazy tidbits and your style! Don’t stop writing!


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    So many things to say that I can’t even.. I..


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    You don’t know who Stephen Fry is?! As in A bit of Fry and Laurie ? With Hugh Laurie? Or as Jeeves in Jeeves and Wooster? Or as Oscar Wilde in Wilde? Or as himself in QI? Oh, the humanity!

    Who’s Chloe Sevigny, by the way?


    • lucysfootball

      I know, I know. I’m a heathen Merkan. Rod has already informed me on Twitter I need to watch “QI”. I read his gigantic Wikipedia today. He seems really awesome and I liked what I read about him. I’m going to have to watch him in something. I love love love Oscar Wilde. Is “Wilde” good?

      Chloe Sevigny is an indie film actress, mostly. I listed most of her well-known films/shows in the post, and she’s been in a lot of less-well-known ones, too. I think there are a lot of people who might not know her, because other than “Big Love”, she never really went mainstream. I like her a lot. She’s quirky and kooky. (Have you seen “Boys Don’t Cry?” I think you’d like that if you haven’t seen it yet, and she’s in that. It’s a heartbreaker, though, and will make you despair for humanity. Or at least the state of gender politics and homophobia in America.)


    • Aleks (@yeksovic)

      And as someone or other in Black Adder and as himself in “Stephen Fry in America” and as himself “Last Chance to See” (all about animals, so you should like it) and as himself in a documentary about depression, which is really moving, because he talks about his own depression and he also wrote the lyrics to a musical (don’t ask me which) so he got rich early on in life and as a writer of some very good books and some not quite as good but still good and as the writer of “The Ode Less Travelled” which is all about poetry and should be right up your alley (is that an expression?) and and and. Does it show that I’m a fan? Maybe a bit.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    The poor New Zealand parrot is being pushed to extinction just like that giant ground-dwelling pigeon from Mauritius in the late 17th century. And like the Dodo, the Kakapo is victim of invasive species introduced by us, only this time it’s not pigs but pet carnivores. (And no, stoats are not adorable. Not even a little bit.)

    And no, I’m no conservationist-freak, and I do realise we are losing about 15 species per hour so why should we be so upset by one more. It’s just that there’s something sad and lonely knowing that there are just a few left of those docile and friendly parrots – and that the their booming call is heard more and more seldom. It’s just evocative, I guess. Or symbolic of our failure perhaps.


    • lucysfootball

      Stoats ARE adorable, Andreas! At least to look at. I’m sure they’re probably evil and vicious, but LOOK AT THAT LITTLE FACE!

      I’m sorry this made you sad. I don’t like to make you sad. We are making strides in expanding the population! There are more and more all the time! Unfortunately, they probably won’t be able to live in the wild like they used to, but at least they won’t go extinct, it doesn’t look like.

      I want to give you a cookie and a hug.


      • Andreas Heinakroon

        It’s quite alright; this mood will pass (and no doubt sooner than it should). It’s just that I’m a bit of a knowledge freak, and the thought of another interesting species disappearing for good makes me depressed. Just like I mourn the Alexandrian library that went up in flames and took with it almost all essential literature of the ancient world (Thanks for that, Julius! No, really!). And yes, I know: we can’t expect to keep all species we like. In fact, I blogged about just this (and some relatives of those horrid stoats) a while back in a post called ‘Species fixation’: http://bit.ly/NC3Mdh

        By the way: I really don’t care for ferrets, stoats or weasels. They’re unnecessary cruel. Now bats on the other hand are truly awesome! Or snakes, or (Oh!) octopuses! Those are a few of my favourite things.


        • lucysfootball

          You’re the best, Andreas. I have the best Science Fellow. THE BEST. Other blogs might THINK they have a better Science Fellow. I’ll fight ’em, because I know I do.

          I like all of the animals you listed in your second paragraph. Even the stoats, weasels and ferrets. Even though they’re kind of sneaky and can be mean. (When I worked at the Humane Society, a ferret bit one of my coworkers SO BADLY. And HELD ON. It was terrifying.) But I like how slithery they are for mammals. I find them kind of interesting. And they seem intelligent, too.

          There really are very few animals I hate. (Even monkeys. I don’t *hate* monkeys. I don’t like them and want to hang with them or anything, but would be quite sad if for some reason they all died out.) I find most animals utterly fascinating. More so than most humans, actually. If that means I’m broken, that’s ok. I’ll take it. Animals are my favorites.


  • blogginglily

    kakopos make me think of Kokomo. And now I’ve got that fucking song stuck in my head.

    “Aruba, Jamaica,
    ooh I wanna take ya
    to Bermuda, Bahamas
    Come on pretty mama,
    Key Largo, Montego. . . ”

    Etc. I hate those goddamn birds now. Thanks a lot kakopos!


  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    I’m so GLAD you won’t have to read any more of that lousy book series. Life is TOO SHORT to read crappy books – even in the name of blog-dom!! I mean, I appreciate your willingness to sacrifice for us, your loyal readers, but, really, some things are just not worth it!


  • Jericha Senyak (@JerichaSenyak)

    I haven’t laughed that hard in WEEKS. Um, since your 50 Shades post, actually. And WTF, two voters who are depriving me of another genius Amy update on bondage and bad writing??! I am so sad. You should be ashamed of yourselves for taking so much hilarity away from the rest of us. *shakes finger accusingly*

    And even though Andreas knows SCIENCE and is therefore right, I still think stoats are adorable, even if they ARE the bad guys in Wind in the Willows AND all the Redwall books.


    • lucysfootball

      No, I think it’s for the best. They apparently get WORSE from the first book. Can you imagine? Worse than “argh” during sex? Worse than that? Ugh.

      They are so cute! Probably super-bitey and evil but SO CUTE.


    • Andreas Heinakroon

      Oops, that might have been me. *blushes* It just sounded so horrible to read I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, let alone my friend. Of course, if Amy wants to read it I wouldn’t dream of stopping her – and the result would obviously be hilarious!

      Re stoats: that’s just my personal opinion, not my “professional” one. Feel free to love them, if you want. (They’re still horrible though..)


  • doesmybumlookbiginthis

    “…we both like serial killers” – this made me laugh a lot! Thank you so much internet big sis :) :) You are lovely :) And when you said about a good writer’s voice that means a hell of a lot coming from you, because i really value your opinion, what with you being an amazing, funny writer and a bookslut! Thank you :)

    I think one day when we meet (IT WILL HAPPEN ONE DAY!) we should totally go see a play together and you can share you play knowledge and i can compare it to The Woman in Black (best play i’ve seen) (Also yes it’s play before the film, i don’t know if it’s showed in America or anywhere other than the UK) :) xxxx


    • lucysfootball

      Aw, you. You’re the best. You are so welcome. I meant every word of it.

      We WILL meet someday! I am quite convinced that before I die I will make it across the ocean again somehow. I might have to stow away in a freight liner, but I’m going to make it happen!

      I actually read “The Woman in Black” (the play version) not too long ago. I’d like to see the movie (and the play, too, someday – it’s just not the same reading it as it is seeing it), because I thought the play was really interesting!


  • ProfMomEsq

    This was ridiculously funny — I really do love reading your writing. I hope the play was wonderful and that you could even see Chloe Sevigny’s *pores*. (She probably doesn’t have any … grrrr.) I also would’ve paid some serious money to read the text message exchange between you and BFF about the musical.


    • lucysfootball

      Yep, I’m willing to bet she’s pore-less as well. I’m very excited! The last famous person I saw in a play was George Hamilton. He wasn’t that exciting. And he was very orange.


%d bloggers like this: