Random crap Tuesday? Yes I think I will THANK YOU.
Last week, my old roommate (and good friend who I miss all the time and am SO SAD she moved away, wah) C. emailed me and said, “Do you want to come visit? We can see a play at Vassar!” A couple of years ago, we went to see a play at Vassar. It was called PIRATE! And it was the STUPIDEST THING EVER. We still make fun of it. It made no sense, and we couldn’t even make FUN of it, it was so bad. So we were all, “VASSAR WHY ARE YOU EMBARRASSING US LIKE THIS.” (Vassar, for the .00002 of you who don’t know, is a fancy private college south of me, down where C. lives. It used to be a girl’s school. It’s just a school now. In the summer, they have a theater program where famous people come in and act and it’s very hoity-toity. Also, when you walk around on the campus, you feel like you’re at Hogwarts. Every building looks like a historic castle.)
Anyway, I did some research and they’re doing a play based on The Crucible (which I inexplicably love – I think it’s something about the crowd mentality, and how people behave under pressure, and how it’s an allegory for McCarthyism – I just find it a really well-written piece of work) called Abigail/1702 – it’s about events five years after the events of The Crucible. I like that idea a lot. To add to the excitement, guess who’s starring as the scorned crushee and lying accuser Abigail Williams? Chloe Sevigny!
Kids? Trees Lounge? Boys Don’t Cry? The upcoming season of American Horror Story? Yes, fine, also Big Love, but I don’t care about that show. That’s probably where most of you know her from, though. And and AND, C. got us FRONT ROW SEATS. ZOMG, you GUYS! I’m going to be FRONT ROW to see a very famous famous person! At a college that looks like Hogwarts! In a play I’m excited about! This is totally zingy news, I can’t even tell you. Also, the website tells me there’s a post-show discussion so that’s exciting, right? YES, it is! Bounce, bounce, bounce.
Also, I get to see C., and C., her fella who makes me laugh (I know, that’s a lot of C.s and is probably confusing you, sorry), and her cats! One of whom I have not yet met! He is a NEW cat, aw! Yay for new cats! He is full of vim and vigor and I am very excited to meet him. Yay for adventures! Next Sunday, too! Less than a week away!
Next, let’s talk about SEX BIRD.
OK, so BFF sent me an email, the gist of which was, “hey, there’s this bird? It tries to have sex with humans.” Well, I like crazy things like that! Which he well knows. That’s why he’s BFF, you see.
So I went to this link and read the story of the kakopo, the bird too stupid to perpetuate its own species.
See, the kakopo, in case you didn’t want to click, is a large, strange-looking green parrot in New Zealand. It is flightless, and it hops all around being green and curious-looking.
The kakopo also seem very stupid, and I think might be the Dumbcat of birds.
“The flightless nocturnal birds, while essentially ground dwelling, are strong climbers but freeze when confronted by a threat, making them easy pickings for predators.”
Freeze! Freeze when confronted! Well, no wonder they’re going extinct, of course things are going to eat you if you don’t know enough to run away! Even Dumbcat knows to hide in the pots and pans cupboard!
Apparently back in the day there used to be so many of these things you could shake them out of New Zealand bushes (NOT A EUPHEMISM) like apples, but now they’re all freezing and whatnot and dogs and cats and “stoats” are eating them. (Stoats are adorable weasel-creatures.)
Also, to add insult to their freeze-tag injury, the kakopo males “…also attract mates by emitting a deep booming sound from thoracic air sacs, turning them into conspicuous targets for hunters in the night forest.” So they’re freezing, and also SCREAMING ALL LOUD “COME AT ME BRO!” to the hunters while they look for lay-deeeez? Oh, my, kakopo. It might be survival of the fittest that you’re going extinct.
Kakopo also are lazy and slow breeders. They only like to breed when there’s a lot of fruit on the trees. Oh, also with humans. Did I mention, also with humans? Yep.
“In the early days of the conservation effort, rangers even wore an outlandish rubber helmet dotted with dimples in an unsuccessful attempt to collect kakapo sperm when males tried to mate with their heads.”
ZOMG BEST. Can you even imagine? Kakopos totally know how to give head. Ba-dum-bum.
“Off to work, Martha!”
“Don’t forget your dimpled sperm-helmet, Frank!”
Then the article was all, hey, want to watch a video of a bird trying to mate with a guy’s head? And I was like, YES I DO, WHAT? IT’S LIKE YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ME WHEN YOU ASK THAT QUESTION.
The look on that bird’s face. His wings. The actor (Stephen Fry, I guess? I don’t know who that is, but I feel like I’ve heard the name before) trying SO HARD not to just break out into hysterical laughter over the whole thing. The poor zoologist trying to be all serious about it.
BEST VIDEO EVER.
So the kakopo population has doubled recently, but only because people are working really hard at it. The kakopos are too busy humping people’s heads and looking all into it to bother.
Oh, ok, you probably want to know about how my play went last week because I’ve totally been remiss in telling you? Very well. It went very well. I screwed up one light cue but I think only the actors and the director and I noticed; an actor messed up one entrance, but I think only the director and I noticed. So overall, huge success; the audience loved it, the board of directors loved it, and the director did a wonderful job so will be asked to submit shows for consideration to be a director for our 2013-2014 season (that was the point of the showcase last week, it was her “audition” for the board of directors, so to speak.) So, all was well, and other than various board-of-directorly duty things (board meetings, running auditions, ushering, attending critiques, etc.) and one showcase we’re doing next month that I’m running the lights for (which will be simple), I’m on a theater break until – get this – FEBRUARY. I know! Is that not the nicest thing you’ve ever heard? I can relax, I can do MY things, I can bon vivant, I can write write write write WRITE – this is going to be fantastic!
I have been the MOST remiss in mentioning that I received an award from the lovely Emma over at Does My Bum Look Big in This? And, as always, I’m going to jerk out and not accept, because I hate nominating other blogs. Someone always gets left out and someone’s feelings always get hurt and it’s a whole thing. BUT, that is NOT going to stop me from talking about how much I love the lovely Emma. Emma is my secret British kid sister; she is wonderful and amazing and I love her and want her to have all good things and success and happiness and joy and also maybe kitten-rainbows. She is sweet and smart and funny and brave and honest and we both like serial killers and American Horror Story and she has a wonderful writer’s voice, and I predict many good things for her in her life because of it. So, thank you, Emma! I think you’re the bee’s knees, and I appreciate the award so much, even though I didn’t accept it because I’m the worst at accepting awards because I hate when people yell at me for not including them on a list of blogs that I like, or not including them on my blogroll, and then I get acid indigestion.
And finally…your results for the Fifty Shades of Gray poll…should I keep reading these terrible things and blog about them? Should I not?
In a SURPRISE UPSET, by TWO POINTS, the no votes have it! I DO NOT HAVE TO KEEP READING THESE BOOKS! Thank you, you guys. Most sincerely, thank you for that.
I can’t for the life of me figure out how to show you the results that I’m seeing on this screen. Yeah, I’m not the most technologically advanced. (Oh, wait, I figured it out, I can’t unless I “upgrade to a pro account.” Well, screw you, PollDaddy. I guess you’re all going to have to trust me? Eep. Maybe I can take a cellphone picture of the screen later. THAT’S sticking it to the man, yo!) I got 19 no votes and 17 yes votes. One of the yes votes was a write in. The write in was “Can you digitally record yourself while you read the most embarrassing part” with no punctuation at all, which both made me nervous, then snort-laugh. So I texted it to BFF, and then we had a three-hour “let’s turn Fifty Shades into a musical” text-a-thon which was just the best thing ever. Sample lyric from the finale song, entitled “Laters, baby”: “Laters, baby…see ya, maybe…shouldn’t have trusted my heart to Christian Gray…*sigh* Gee.”
There will also be a dream-sequence “Beauty School Dropout”-style number starring Ana’s Inner Goddess (played by Lady Gaga, of course.)
Don’t worry, once we make our Fifty Shades of Gray musical millions, I won’t forget you guys. I’ll still blog, in-between hanging out with NPH and Stephen Sondheim.
And there you go! Tuesday in the CAN! Whoo-hoo! Listen, we totally have a short week next week. Because of MERKA. This is great, I can’t wait.