Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 5)

Howdy, yo! Time for more question-answering! I am putting on my question-answering hat, and am getting down to question-answering BUSINESS. And listen, there are a LOT of questions this month. A LOT A LOT. You totally stepped up to the plate. I’m so proud of you. And a little worried about you, but mostly proud of you. 

So, in case you don’t remember, here’s a quick rundown of what’s going on here. What, you might be new and need a rundown. SHUT UP I DO HAVE NEW READERS LIKE EVERY DAMN DAY I AM POPULAR MOMMA STOP LAUGHING AT ME. Ahem. Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally (that’s yesterday’s post, in case you have goldfish-memory) and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I give advice, and I answer your questions, and we have a gay-old-Flintstonian time, except we don’t have to stick our feet through the bottom of our car to make it go. 

This would make my feets tired, yo.

So, yet again! 

Welcome to…  

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.  

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!  

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here instead of getting help. And I appreciate their traffic, but I am just so sad for their lost Googliness. So here I am! Ready to help! Puttin’ on my helpin’ hat! Pullin’ up my helpin’ gloves! What, those might be things, you don’t know. 

What to do when my jeans are too big  Um. OK, well, first, I’m thinking you should probably celebrate? Because you most likely lost some weight? Although listen, I totally know two people in really real life who have trouble keeping weight on. And them losing weight is a bad thing. I know! They really do exist. And I love both of them. They’re two of my favorite people, actually. So maybe if you’re one of those people, your pants being too big is a bad thing. Anyway, the majority of us are overweight, so most likely, the odds are in my favor if I guess you’re happy you’ve lost weight. So, go, you. Second: buy new pants or get a belt. Or a length of rope if you’re a hobo and like that kind of belt. You’re welcome, just don’t let them sag, you’ll look like a junior-high gang-banger. 

See his little hobo-belt? You could totally do that, if you wanted.

for whatever we lose (like a you or a me) / it’s always ourselves we find in the sea” meaning (x5)  OK, I was thinking about not answering this one, because it’s obvious that this is some sort of assignment that students are having to do because I got five searches for this question. But it’s poetry. And it’s one of my favorite poems (it’s from “Maggie and Milly and Molly and May” by e.e. cummings.)

So because I can’t NOT tell you about something poetry related, it’s like dangling a PUDDING CUP in front of me and expecting me to NOT eat it, I will tell you. The line “for whatever we lose (like a you or a me)/it’s always ourselves we find in the sea” means – to me, anyway – that the ocean is a place where you can go to center yourself when the world gets a little crazy and you feel a little lost. However, here’s a tip I’ll give you for free. Ready? Kids reading this – this is something you can use in your English classes. It’s sort of a get-out-of-jail-free-card. If you are asked to explain what a line means in a poem (and sometimes this also works in a very symbolistic short story as well) – as long as you can back up your argument with a reason? THERE ARE VERY FEW WRONG ANSWERS. You might think that line from cummings means that one of the four girls is going to kill herself. I’d argue you’re way off base, but as long as you can back that up with some sort of logical argument? The teacher shouldn’t be able to tell you you’re wrong. Try it. Unless you’re teacher is an asshat who thinks there’s only one explanation for each poem (those type of teachers shouldn’t be allowed in a classroom) then it should work just fine. Also, the side effect of it is that you learn to love poetry more because it starts being more fun. I promise. Would I lie to you about poetry, my little grasshoppers? You’re welcome. Read more cummings, he’s wonderful. 

what would you call a person who goes around spitting out platitudes A jerk? Not very creative? Annoying? Falsely comforting? Albert? I mean, if his name was Albert? You’re welcome, this is an odd question. 

What does “ask for me tomorrow and i shall be a grave man” mean? I know. I KNOW. Every time I answer one of these, a high school kid doesn’t have to do their homework. But it’s poetry! And now it’s Shakespeare! HOW CAN I REFUSE TO ANSWER THESE? Gah, you kids are KILLING me. OK. Obvs, this is from Romeo and Juliet. It’s one of Mercutio’s lines. He’s just been stabbed and is dying. Why’d be get stabbed? Because Romeo’s an asshole. (OK, fine, you see it your way, I’ll see it mine. I love Mercutio. I think Romeo’s a whine-ass.) Mercutio’s never seen a pun he didn’t love. So it’s very telling that, even as he’s dying, he makes jokes. What’s a “grave man?” Well, who’s in a grave? A dead guy. Mercutio’s saying that whoever comes looking for him tomorrow’s going to find out he’s died. But he’s saying it in a humorous way, because he’s Mercutio, and he can’t not joke, even as he dies. (Although, with his last breath, he does get pretty serious, with the “a plague on both your houses,” right? That’s chilling, coming from Mercutio. I love that line.) You’re welcome. I know Shakespeare can be confusing, but once you get it, it’s hilarious and wonderful and ribald and intelligent and heartbreaking. No, really. Really! It is! 

Heh. I’d wear this.

does imagining audience naked help? Meh. Maybe for some people. I’ve tried it. But honestly, you get in front of all of those people, the last thing on your mind is imagining them naked. Mostly you’re all “ZOMG THEY ARE ALL LOOKING AT MEEEEE,” you know? So, whatever, maybe it works for some people. Here’s what works for me: pretend to be confident. I know it sounds stupid, but just get up there, and pretend you’re someone else. Someone who doesn’t mind talking in front of people. Someone who’s good at it. When you get off stage, you can curl up in a ball and rock and weep if you want, but when you’re on stage, you’re someone else: someone who couldn’t give less of a shit that everyone’s staring at them because they have all the confidence in the world. Totally works for me, and I have stage fright like a mofo. You’re welcome. Good luck. I mean that most sincerely and with not any sarcasm at all. I am sympathetic. 

Remember when Willow had stage fright on “Buffy?” I felt terrible.

does whipped vodka burn your skin I don’t…why do you care? Are you thinking of using it for some sort of sexy-time play? Don’t. It tastes terrible. You’re welcome, don’t drink this garbage. 

where can I get dr seuss blank note cards I got mine at Marshalls. Do you have a Marshalls? I think it’s called Ross Dress for Less in the western states. Or TJ Maxx. They’re all the same thing. And they never have the same merchandise so you might be shit out of luck. OR, you could just go HERE, because look, I found them for you. (There’s also an auction on eBay but it’s ending soon. Keep checking eBay. They’re a lot cheaper there.) You’re welcome, you have good taste in notecards. 

Cute, right? Thoughtful AND whimsical. And literary!

I need a gilamonster enclosure No, you don’t. You’re welcome, that will eat your face. 

I WILL EAT YOUR FAAAAAACE!

girl im talking to sends me friend request then deleted it before i confirm OK, this is strangely worded. Did she send you a friend request and then delete her own friend request, or did you delete the friend request by accident? I did that once, I felt so stupid. I had to email him, all, um, my phone ate your friend request (it totally did, too, I looked at it on my phone, but when I went back in to accept it – because my phone won’t let me accept friends for some reason – the request was GONE!) and he had to resend it. So stupid. Anyway, if she deleted it before you got to accept (I didn’t know you could even DO this!) then let it go, chum, she’s not meant to be. If you did, just say, hi, my phone effed up. Everyone’s phone effs up. We’re all really understanding about phones, I’ve found. You’re welcome, I think you’re making Facebook harder than it needs to be. 

how to keep my dad from driving in pa Take away his keys? Put sugar in his gas tank? Flatten his tires in the dead of night? I’m assuming something like either he’s old or an alcoholic, something like that? This question makes me sad. I don’t know why it’s Pennsylvania-specific. Jim’s my Pennsylvania-expert. JIM HELP THIS PERSON PLEASE. You’re welcome, talk to Jim. 

SPEAKING OF WHICH, Jim has taken on a very important role here at Lucy’s Football. What’s that, you’re wondering? Well, Let me tell you.

Jim is now to be known as…

Yes, Jim is now our Minister of Fly-nance over here at the old blog of footballonia. What does this entail? Well, that’s up to Jim. As the Minister of Fly-nance, he gets to choose what he does or does not do. That’s one of the things that comes with being the Minister of Fly-nance. It’s a pretty prestigious position. Please give Jim all the accolades he so rightly deserves. 

how to make a very serious decision? Make a pro and con list? Talk to friends who are smart and wise? Research it on the internet? Go with your gut? I don’t know. I need more information on your very serious decision. I’m super-helpful if you tell me what the decision is. You’re welcome, send me more info. 

how to stop bananas from smelling I KNOW THIS ONE. Ready? Are you ready? CUT OFF THEIR NOSES. Ha! HA HA! I win internets. Listen, you set yourself up for this. There’s really no way to make bananas not smell like bananas. Once mine get soft, I put them in the fridge, and they don’t smell in there. Also, they get really brown in there, but the inside stays fresher longer. It’s a little-known fact from ME to YOU. You’re welcome, I hope you love my excellent joke. 

is a hired assassin a good job Hee! Ken, this one’s for you. Please let this person know if you recommend your current profession to a newbie. Charts and graphs are appreciated, but not required. Thanks ever so. You’re welcome, please don’t assassinate me or anyone I love. 

is joaquin phoenix a psychopath? Nah. He pretended to be for a while because he was making that ill-advised movie where he was pretending to be a rapper or whatever? Then he kind of dropped off the radar. I think he’s just an actor. They’re strange beasts, those actors. Their brains don’t work like regular people. You’re welcome, you can’t have him, he’s mine. Or at least he was, when he was younger and less weird. 

Aw, young pretty Joaquin. I miss you.

is there a hooker stroll in Binghamton What the hell’s a hooker stroll? The internet’s not being helpful. I guess it’s where hookers go to wait for johns? I don’t know. I don’t remember there being a lot of hooker activity there when I was there back in the 90s. Maybe there are more hookers there than there used to be. I hope not. I love Binghamton. I’m going to say no, probably not. You’re welcome, what an odd search term. 

Aw, look at where I used to live! I loved it there. NO HOOKERS.

ive watched true blood should i start reading the books They’re very different beasties. The early books are ok. Light, frothy. Don’t expect too much. The later books are repetitive and stupid and I gave up recently and haven’t even read the most recent one. So, I guess, if you like supernatural romance/mystery, sure, but don’t expect the same plot as the show, because you’re going to get total sadface. You’re welcome, isn’t Eric dreamy? 

IKE APPLEBAUM. (If you didn’t see the season premiere this year, that’s confusing. Sorry.)

should couple watch true blood Like, as what, a precursor to makin’ all the love, or what? You can watch it as a couple if you both like vampires and schlocky television and naked people and blood, I guess. It’s not like watching porn together, though. If you want to watch porn together, here’s my advice. WATCH PORN TOGETHER. You’re welcome, don’t be embarrassed about porn. 

so theres this boy he kinda stole my heart we love each other but we aren’t dating Well, why don’t you start dating? Are your two houses both alike in dignity, or what? Also, you should ask him to give your heart back. You’re going to need that for, like, living and shit. Anyway. I don’t see the question in your question. If you love each other, do something about it. Life’s short, jellybean. Grab it with both hands before you’re almost 40 and the most action you get is waking up to your cat staring at you like he’s trying to steal your soul as you sleep. You’re welcome, go kiss your boy. 

texting “i love you long time” to your husbands best friend Oh, don’t do this. Why would you do this? I can’t imagine THIS is a good idea, ever, in any circumstance, like, EVER ever. First, it’s demeaning to people of the Asian persuasion, and second, WTF, are you LOOKING to get divorced? Stop that right now, tasteless. You’re welcome, stop being gross. 

what happens the ninja wake up call bulldog hotel Amsterdam There are a lot of words in this question, and none of them really make any sense to me. Then I Googled it, and it’s some sort of sex thing: “Ninja wake up calls are only available as part of the Bulldog hotel holiday romance package. Details of this service are available behind the water tank in the ladies toilet on the 2nd floor. If you are interested in this offer, please bring two passport-sized photos, details of your measurements on the back of a small envelope, and the results of a recent HIV test.” (I don’t know if it’s a sex thing. They just say people dressed like ninjas come in and make sure you don’t miss your plane. This hotel seems to be wacky. I went to Amsterdam once. The wackiness was overwhelming. I kind of loved Amsterdam.) You’re welcome, if you do this, report back, ok? 

what is a pill that has a clear capsules no writing and brown powder in it WHO CARES. Don’t take pills if you don’t know what they are. My cinnamon pills I take every morning look like this. Probably so do a million other things. Including arsenic and also roofies. STOP TAKING UNLABELED PILLS AND ASKING MY BLOG WHAT THEY ARE. You’re welcome, you’re going to die if you’re not careful. 

STOP IT. Could be cold pills, could be death in a capsule. YOU DON’T KNOW.

when is maalox coming back (x5) Five people asked this. FIVE! As I told you last month: no one knows. sj told me that apparently there was something wrong with Excedrin (the same company makes these) and since then, you can’t get anything by the company. Makes sense to me. I trust everything sj says, she’s one smart cookie. I wish I knew, my poor acidy-tummied friend. I just don’t. I’m so sorry. You’re welcome, try the store brand and take twice as much, it’s what I’ve been doing. 

where does the sad white owl live? In Saddington. In a trailer park. Where the toilet doesn’t always work and his oven’s on the fritz more days than not. He’s got a low-grade weed addiction and he listens to a lot of Tom Waits and sighs heavily, thinking of The One Who Got Away. (You do know the sad owl’s a stuffed animal, right? It’s true. Andreas told me, and he was right.) You’re welcome, it’s not real. 

Andreas says this is pink and also you can see the stitching on its feet. He’s totally right. This is why I have a Science Fellow, you guys. For important science-related-issues such as Sad Owl.

why do authors say the play’s the thing “Authors” don’t say it. Shakespeare said it. It’s a line from Hamlet. “The play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king.” Sigh. You’re making me do your homework again because I can’t resist, aren’t you? OK FINE.

You all saw this version, right? If not, find it. It’s pretty brilliant.

Hamlet puts on this play, right? He invites over this traveling troupe of actors. And they put on this play, but it’s not really a play. It’s a skit he wrote and told them to do, about a king whose brother murders him to marry his wife. Because Hamlet’s uncle murdered Hamlet’s dad in order to marry Hamlet’s mom and become King of Denmark. And Hamlet watches his uncle during the play to see his reaction, thinking it will force him to admit his crimes (or at least his face will give him away.) So the line means that, through the play, the current king (his uncle)’s conscience will out him. Make sense? I love Hamlet, you should to, it’s wonderful. You’re welcome, go read some drama and stop playing with the intertubes all day long. 

why does zac wear gas mask when others done on ghost adventures (x7) SEVEN PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW THIS. OK. So Zak Bagans is the host of Ghost Adventures. He is also known as The Ghost Douche. He has taken to wearing a gas mask when he investigates haunted houses now. None of his other investigators do. Want to know why? Really want to? Ready? SO PEOPLE LIKE YOU WILL ASK ABOUT IT ONLINE, THEREFORE MAKING HIM MORE POPULAR WITH SEARCH ENGINES. Soon he’s going to be ruling Merka if my blog searches are any indications. Stop the insanity! Stop caring about The Ghost Douche! Before he’s running the country like it’s a frat house! You’re welcome, you’re embarrassing me. 

why im not a fighter Because it’s better to be lover, not a fighter, and also you’ll hurt your fists, jellybean. You’re welcome, no punchery, please. 

There! Aren’t you feeling so much more ENLIGHTENED and HELPED and SHINY UNICORN AWESOME? I know you are. I know. You are welcome. You are SO WELCOME. 

Until next month – may your questions be answered and your searches bring you somewhere helpful, without a lot of torture porn on it. Don’t ask. Bad experience earlier in the week. Still trying to get over it. *shudder*

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

12 responses to “Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 5)

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    That’s why they need an enclosure , surely? To keep it from eating their faces?

    Incidentally, the gilamonster is the only venomous lizard in the world. But you all knew that, didn’t you?

    Like

  • sj

    IKE APPLEBAUM!!!

    Like

  • blogginglily

    1) “does imagining audience naked help?” – NO!!! Because, at least as a man, you’re helpless to avoid finding the one or two extremely hot girls in any crowd. So you’re speaking. . . in public, and you’ve examined the audience and you’ve determined that “awwww yaya, there’s a hot hot chick in the audience,” and you get all nervous first of all because there’s a hot chick and you think to yourself. . . “wooboy, have to make an impression, because I’m totally going to walk off the stage and that girl is going to ask me a question about the speech I just made and then ‘Bow chicka wow wow’ a second later we’ll be in the coat closet naked.” All me think this is going to happen during every encounter (this is why men will speed up and attempt to catch the eye of a hot girl driving a car on the freeway. . . there’s a CHANCE she’ll make eye contact, smile, pull over, and fuck him on the roadside. Men are stupid). So you’re nervous about the hot girl and making a good impression so you remember that you once heard that imagining your audience naked will get rid of your jitters. . . so you reflexively do that. . . and there’s the hot chick. . . naked. . . and now you’ve got an erection and there’s no way to hide it because there’s no podium, it’s just a microphone and a microphone stand and everyone is totally going to see your boner and you get even more nervous and just stammer. . . “I’m sorry” and run off the stage. So no. . . it doesn’t work.

    2) The PA question is so bizarre. Why does she (assumption) want her dad not to drive in PA? LIke. . . why PA? License revoked in PA, but he’s gonna drive anyway? That doesn’t really even make sense. Who needs a search engine for that? Pop his distributor cap. . . hide his keys. . . none of these answers are “PA-Specific”. I guess “Stop him at the border” would be applicable, but again. . . why a search engine? Is it a more serious question. . . like, “what are the restraining order laws of PA, because my dad is driving here to find me and I want to make sure he doesn’t” kind of thing? I need more information before I can answer this.

    3) Wouldn’t it be funny if the clear pills with the brown powder in them were maalox? I think that would be funny. They’re not though. They’re heroin.

    Thank you for my title. I’ll try not to abuse my power.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      That entire first comment made me giggle and giggle. I’m just so pleased I’ll never have to worry about unexpected erections, I can’t even tell you.

      Good gracious, I didn’t even THINK that someone is STALKING her in PA. This is why I need you to be my PA expert. Probably only people in PA would think of such things. Nice catch, Jim.

      Maalox wouldn’t be brown powder! And yes. It’s absolutely heroin. Or, as the kids on the streetz are calling it these days, “horse.” Or “brown.” (Someone told me that once, that the nickname for heroin was “brown” and the UPS motto “what can brown do for you” was making all the in-the-know drug people laugh. He was pretty savvy. I believe him.)

      YAY FOR MINISTER OF FLY-NANCE!

      Like

  • lahikmajoe

    Every month, I think I’ll ask weird questions in search – just to get to your blog and then make this list. Every month, I forget. Like clockwork.

    The quality of this monthly encounter doesn’t seem to be diminished by my inaction. Quite the opposite.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I know, right? I am HELPFUL with these things. And there are a LOT of them.

      However, don’t think I didn’t notice your skirtiness of the assassin question, mister. No, I did not.

      Like

  • Rich Crete

    Wait. I thought Mercutio was a kind of cherry….
    Give a guy a title with the word fly in it and the next thing you know his 1st comment is talking about erections. But his point is a good one. Picturing people naked is the dumbest idea ever. On the flip side of what the Minister said, what if you mentally strip everyone down and then you notice someone up front and you blurt out “Eeeewww”? Let’s face it folks, that reaction is more likely than the other one.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Is cherry bad? What’s cherry?

      Hee! I know, right? This Minister position is not at all going in the direction I’d anticipated. However, I didn’t have any expectations, so I guess I’m down with it.

      I guess people think that will make you feel superior to all the naked people. Couldn’t it also make you feel like “man, why can’t I be down there with all those naked people, instead of up here talking like a huge loser goon?” This is backfirey all around.

      Like

  • Cara V. (@fictionalchick)

    so… basically Shakespeare is dead… in the literary sense… because no one gets him anymore and it makes me sad panda. I have a shirt (from when we performed Romeo + Juliet) that says “Mercutio > Romeo” haha so I feel you there.

    oh also… I’ve never been able to picture people naked… dumbest concept ever.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I know, isn’t it heartbreaking? Kids just don’t care, and most adults are petrified because they were taught it so boringly in school they want nothing more to do with it. It’s going to end up about 10 of us in the audiences someday or something, then it’ll just go away. So sad. (We’re doing “12th Night” at my theater in August/September! Hooray!)

      The naked thing has not worked for me, either. I’m too busy dealing with the fact that I’m STANDING IN FRONT OF PEOPLE AND THEY’RE ALL STARING AT ME GAH.

      Like

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