An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 12)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:  

It is summer! Summer hit us this past Wednesday with much heat and humidity and grossness. HI SUMMER! I am pleased to live somewhere with an air conditioner. Someone else who is pleased with this development is Dumbcat. He likes to sit in the window, where the air conditioner blows on him and makes him cold on the bottom, but the sun bakes the top of him crispy-fried like a potato. This, I think, explains a lot of his stupidity, because his brain is at his top crispy-side. 

ALSO AND OFF-TOPIC! It is Elaine’s BIRTHDAY! Everyone tell Elaine to have the happiest of all possible happy birthdays, because she is wonderful! Happy, happy birthday to you, Elaine – have a wonderful day and may your year ahead be filled with magic and wonder and all the whimsy you could desire!

A cake with a CROWN for you, Elaine! This cake was MADE for you, seriously.

Now, this past month has brought me many new readers. HI NEW READERS! The new readers are here due to two things: porn and poetry. If I combined the two, can you even IMAGINE the traffic? Pervy poetry here I come! Toot toot, get on the pervy poetry train! Also, this month we had an anniversary, we went bon-vivanting in New York City, and we talked about lady-bits. Listen, it’s been really a banner month at the old Bender house, hasn’t it? It totally has. I’m overall quite pleased with my May-slash-June, blog-wise. Also, mostly life-wise. Work-wise I could use some improvements, but I think I read somewhere that it’s a proven fact that you can’t have all the things in your life go right at once or your head would explode, and who wants an exploding head? Surely not me. Anyway, due to all this craziness, I apparently have like followers in the TRIPLE EFFING DIGITS HEADING TOWARD THE QUADRUPLE SUPER-FAST WHAT THE HELL. I don’t know. I find it all very perplexing and kind of worrisome, but also the most awesome. Hi! Hi. How are you? Good? Good. Glad to see you! Hope you’re wearing pants. Are you wearing pants? Good, good, great, grand. 

In case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post.  I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the twelfth one. As you can tell from the title. A whole YEAR of these here thingamabobbers. Search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Because when I was just a baby, my momma told me son, always be a good boy, don’t ever play with guns. So instead I fell into the internet. (LIES, I also played with guns, and I LOVE THEM.) 

*sigh* Love.

Our search terms this month were perv-heavy (well, -er, perv-heavy-er) and also there were a lot of perplexing ones. And there were a lot of people asking the same thing over and over and OVER. Man, you’re like dogs with bones about some things, aren’t you? 

So ANYWAY, instead of addressing you all individually, which would take a month and I’m totally at work right now, and I don’t want to sit here for a month, buckaroos, I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups.  What? You don’t like that? Go complain to your ombudsman. 

Category the First: You are CORRECT, sir. 

“tom cruise makes me nervous”
creeped out by gorillas 

I WILL EAT YOUR FACE I WILL EAT IT UP WITH MY HUGE EFFING CHOMPERS.

Both of these things are totally correct. Yes. Tom Cruise is worrisome and so are gorillas. Also, one time I was Cruise-bashing on Twitter and he started following me, I think I mentioned that? Really him, like with the blue check next to his name and everything. And I haven’t mentioned him since and it’s been a really, really long time. And he STILL follows me. What the hell, Cruise. Go fly into the danger zone or something and leave me be. 

Category the Second: The Internet is For Porn

sexy medieval women kirtle
arya stark grown up
arya stark sexy
bestiality i and my pig
bigoldsexydotcom and variants thereof (x7)
boobs anchor tattoo on hip
exotic teen talking dirty in hotel conference room
george peppard full frontal 

OK. Let’s discuss this Game of Thrones thing. Maisie Williams, who plays Arya Stark? IS FIFTEEN. You are DISGUSTING. She’s NOT LEGAL YET. Stop it. She’s a lovely young lady, stop perving it up. You are the worst. 

I like “I and my pig.” I like that there’s an attempt at this totally fancy grammar going on here. It’s WRONG, but it makes me laugh. Also, Babe doesn’t want you to touch his swimsuit areas. 

Bad touch. BAD TOUCH!

Why so much bigoldsexydotcom? Rich, what happened when you looked for that site, was it the grossest? Do I even want to know? 

“Boobs anchor?” Is it an anchor WITH boobs? Hee. Like a busty ol’ anchor, that makes me laugh. Are you talking about an anchor PIERCING? What does that have to do with boobs? Also, you don’t get those on your hip, who would even see that? 

I’m not saying I wouldn’t look at a young George Peppard full frontal. I think I won’t pass judgment on that one. 

Also, I keep getting multiple pervy searches about some woman named “Susan Hargous.” Dear Susan Hargous: I don’t know you, but someone out there is doing pervy Google searches for you and somehow getting directed to my blog. Please take caution, and lock your doors up tight tight tight at night. Also, invest in an attack hamster. You’re welcome! 

Category the Third: Curiouser and Curiouser 

“marching to pretoria” “kookaburra”
the gickel way of life
banned drama queen images
black dolphin prison
corporates zoo zoo
funny jokes about pervy pete
funny rat poison card
new stories hansel and gretel where there fattened up and eaten
super sad sucide note that will make you cry 

I looked up “gickel” and it’s either a geocaching term or something that pointed me to a bunch of German sites. Huh. Is the gickel way of life calm and relaxing? Because if it is, I want to do it. 

I was not aware there was a song called “Marching to Pretoria” and it’s the basis of the beginning of the song “I Am the Walrus.” Huh. You learn something new every day. I have NO IDEA how it ties in to my beloved kookaburras, but I like that I learned a new thing anyway. 

Banned drama queen images. Why are they banned? Are they scandalous? TOTALLY SCANDALOUS? Because now I want to see them, as long as they don’t show too much boob.

Why is the dolphin in prison? I notice his skin color. Is this racially motivated? I don’t care for this at all. FREE WILLY! (No, not THAT willy. Put that away, Ding Dong Joe, that wasn’t an invitation.) 

“Corporates zoo zoo” sounds like one of those terrible Nick Jr. shows The Nephew would watch and I wouldn’t be allowed to talk during, even though I would want to make fun of it. 

Wait a minute. “Funny jokes about Pervy Pete.” Are there OTHER people making funny jokes about Pervy Pete? ZOMG YOU GUYS. I just did a Google search and Pervy Pete is a THING. A total thing! Like, he has a MEME! And a GAME! Although the link for that looks like it’s going to give me a virus, potentially an STD, so I’m not linking OR clicking on that, no no no. I didn’t even know this! Did you know this? Why didn’t anyone tell me Pervy Pete was all famous behind my back? I’m going to go Google search Ding Dong Joe and see if he’s famous, too. WHEW. No, he is not, although he DOES have a Facebook page. I like that these two are up to their own thing without my knowledge. But I’m amazed it’s Pervy Pete that’s the more famous. Wouldn’t you have imagined it would be Ding Dong Joe that would be more famous? He seems to be the top and not the bottom in that ice cream sandwich of ickiness, you know? 

Seriously, this is a WHOLE BIG THING. Pervy Pete has a whole internet life I wasn’t aware of.

There are probably no “funny” rat poison cards. Unless you have a really sick sense of what’s humorous. And who are you giving the card to, the survivors of the rat family after you kill someone in it? 

This is…um…kind of funny? I guess? Zazzle for the win? Sort of?

“New stories” about Hansel and Gretel. Huh. And you want to see them fattened up and eaten. This is…um. Here, I have a funny rat poison card for you here you might enjoy. 

What suicide note WOULDN’T make you sad? I mean, it’s the last thing someone wrote before they KILLED themselves. They’re ALL “super sad.” And why do you WANT to read them? 

Category the Fourth: Famous people are famous 

alexander skarsgard
bebe neuwirth (x2)
ben wyatt (x5)
benedict cumberbatch (x5)
jason dohring
judd nelson young
marlon brando pouty
zak bagans channing tatum sandwich 

Here, I found you some pretty pictures because I love you.

A young Judd Nelson…swoon…

…and a young, pouty Marlon. DOUBLE swoon.

Most of these, yep, I’m in agreement. Then there’s the last one. That sandwich is disgusting to even contemplate. The Ghost Douche and Ol’ Barrel-Neck all squashing up on you in bed? Are you KIDDING? First, you’d get so many STDs you’d need to be quarantined for life. Second, I think you’d die of disgustingness. Gack. Gack, gack. 

OH SIDE NOTE. Who’s this “Magic Mike” person everyone’s on about? All I see everywhere is “Magic Mike.” What does this mean? 

If you think of all the things I DON’T want in a movie? It’s this movie.

Oh. Oh, shit. It’s not a PERSON, it’s a MOVIE, where the kid that played the Beast in that Beauty in the Beast update learns to strip with the help of Ol’ Barrel-Neck. It also stars Matthew McConaughey, Alcide from True Blood, and pretty, pretty Matt Bomer. Yeah. I won’t be going to see that. It sounds like Showgirls for women. I think you’d lose IQ points just entering the theater. (Oh! Hee! This link says it’s based on Ol’ Barrel-Neck’s LIFE EXPERIENCES as a stripper! Oh, this should just be gold. Just total gold. Someone go see this and report back to me on how bad it is, please.) 

Category the Fifth: Things that made me snort-laugh. 

“sorry for ruining your comment” facebook
april april poem i will fool you dig till skane
blog i squished the spider with a tissue flushed it down toilet
i hate those pesky cock blocking penguins quote
i said i wanted a puppy
jon snow stupid face
kathy bates misery scary
kenny rogers blog sandwich
meme you fancy huh
mine seagull finding emo
mr nailbrain
my grandmother the murderess
next step marrying turtles (x2)
pouncey chosen one tattoos
saying “have finland”
seriously owl
snob-nosen viper
that is by far my favourite mistake to make while i’m blogging
the answer is yes, if you were wondering.
the swinging bon vivants
zombieland interpersonal relationship anaysis

There’s a lot of awesomeness going on here. A LOT. 

“Sorry for ruining your comment” Facebook. I feel like whatever this is, about half of the people I know could benefit from it. 

THOSE PESKY COCK-BLOCKING PENGUINS! I hate when I go into a bar and I try to pick up a hot dude and then a penguin waddles onto the scene all “I called dibs, yo.” That is the WORST. You can’t even be mad, because it’s a penguin, you know? 

Yo, I’m harshin’ your lady-buzz, man.

Aw, Jon Snow’s stupid face! (As much as I love Kit Harington, he does have that slack-jawed doofus look on his puss a lot, doesn’t he?) 

Handsome, but a little slack-jawed.

“You fancy, huh?” Yep. Totally am. 

“Finding Emo” is my favorite typo of the YEAR. ZOMG FINDING EMO YOU GUYS. “You think you can do these things, Emo, but you can’t!” and then Emo would swim away, a cloud of eyeliner trailing off behind him, and go do some cutting or journaling or something in his dark little cave while listening to Morrissey. 

Heh, I wasn’t surprised to find out this was actually a thing. I love this.

Mr. Nailbrain is the name of my first movie, which will be released by 20th Century Fox in 2014. It stars Dane Cook as Mr. Nailbrain, a very funny comedian who got a nail in his brain and then became a douchebag. It’s a indie tearjerker. I think you’ll all like it a lot. 

“Don’t discriminate against me! I have a nail! A nail in my BRAIN! LOVE ME MOMMA!”

Neither of my grandmothers are murderesses. One was an insurance claims adjustor and community theater actress and the other is a housewife. They aren’t (or, in the case of the one who passed away, weren’t) particularly stabby. I had that great-aunt who was a murderess, though. Get your facts straight before you accuse my family of killings. 

Ha! I was totally telling my mom about how O’Reilly said we were all going to marry turtles the other day (we had to wait til my dad wasn’t there because if he hears us denigrating his Fox News he has a fit) and even my MOM thought that was crazytown cuckoo-bananas. MARRYING TURTLES!!!!1!!!! 

No one can say “have Finland” except Andreas. Finland is HIS. He OWNS it. 

I did a Google search for “pouncey chosen one” and had no luck. I get a mental image of Tigger as a vampire slayer, though, and it’s kind of the best. 

“In every generation there is a chosen one. It alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, the Heffalumps, and the forces of darkness. It is the pouncey slayer.”

Gah, SERIOUSLY, owl, come ON, you’re only embarrassing YOURSELF.

The “snob-nosed viper” hates your box wine. He only drinks wine that’s been aged at least twenty years. He also only likes bands that haven’t been discovered by the mainstream and fine foreign cheeses that smell of feet. 

*sniff* I liked eating small rodents before it was cool.

My favorite mistake to make while blogging is everything I do, ever. What, you think I have a PLAN? Nope. Flying by the seat of my pants, here, my little gumdrops. 

I’m glad we know the answer is yes. I’m a touch curious about the QUESTION, though. What might that be, if you’d be so kind? 

ZOMG “the swinging bon vivants.” KEN KEN KEN. I think this one’s for you! Are you part of The Swinging Bon Vivants? I know you were pretty sold on the name of your new band, but I think we’ve found you a new one. THE SWINGING BON VIVANTS. Now with extra swing! Wait, does this mean “swing” like in the gross key-party-70s way? Ew, stop that. That’s not a good idea. Poor Ken doesn’t want to do that, he’ll get a rash or something. Probably Mrs. Ken doesn’t like such things, either. So if that was your intention, STOP IT. (I stand behind that being a kick-ass band name, though.) 

Also, I like that someone’s analyzing the interpersonal relationships in Zombieland. I like to imagine this is for some sort of awesome college class like Post-Apocalyptic America: Viewpoints (SOC307) or something kickass like that. I’d take that class. I WOULD TAKE THAT CLASS SO HARD. 

Category the Sixth: Nope. Bad idea. 

facebook funny status pants down
hi i just met you and this is crazy u were no condom so here’s your baby
letter to rich person to get sponsorship
no internet vacation 

None of these are a good idea or funny. Let’s analyze, shall we? Sure we shall.

If you have to look something up in order to post it as a “funny” Facebook status: it’s not funny. Trust me on this. Also, nothing’s funny about a status about your pants being down, weirdo.

GAH. I am SO TIRED of these stupid takeoffs on that ridiculously terrible “Call Me Maybe” song. First, I know a lot of people are all, “I can’t get it out of my head!” but I listened to it and it didn’t even earworm me a little, it just annoyed the piss out of me. Second, these things started popping up, and they are BOTHERSOME. Also, you “were” no condom? Well. I hope he wasn’t a condom. A giant talking condom! What kind of hybrid human-condom baby do you have there, I wonder? It’s wore, you jackass. AND, “you wore no condom” sounds like you’re a snotty asshole. “Pip pip! You wore no condom, my good man! Here is your progeny forthwith!” 

You can TRY to write letters to rich people for sponsorship, but let me tell you from experience, they just ignore that shit. SIGH. I’m no closer to my world-traveling bon vivantery than when I started. 

No, no internet vacation. Even thinking about that makes me itchy. I know, a lot of people take these and it’s a good thing for THEM. But for me? ITCH ITCH ITCH. That being said, I HAVE to take one at the end of July/beginning of August because I’m going up to the mountains where there’s no phone or internet, and I’m already getting pre-itchy imagining it. Itch. Itch, itch. 

Category the Seventh: YES. 

booksluts
interspecies friendship
juniper tree stepmother
sneaky fucker strategy (x2)
there once was a german boy who like to suck his thumbs his mother told him to stop but he wouldn’t do his mum cut off his thumbs now he has no thumbs 

These are all kickass search terms. I like that you’re finding Insatiable Booksluts by searching here. GOOD. Go read over there, too, because I write there sometimes, and I love Susie the most and then a little more, even. 

Interspecies friends! I’m totally happy to be found with searches for interspecies friends, because “interspecies friends” makes me happy. Because I love that Saturday Night Live skit, and also because aw! Interspecies friends, you guys! 

How bored is this cat with his friendship? Also, this is from a whole WEBSITE that is DEDICATED to interspecies friends. AWESOME!

Sneaky fuckerism. You keep searching, I keep delivering. I promise to always be here for all of your sneaky fucker needs. 

Whoa, your Little Suck-a-Thumb search phrase was long. And not really the plot, if you remember my post. It wasn’t his MOM, it was the terrible long-legged tailor with the garden shears that snipped off that little kiddo’s thumbs. (His mom did laugh and laugh as he died, though, because she was a terrible parent. As all of those parents in that book were.) But YAY! I am an expert on horrifying German children’s stories! This is great, I love this. 

You know about “The Juniper Tree”, right? It’s the one about the stepmother who made the family eat the child she cooked and ate? I talked about it here. It’s terrible and wonderful all at once. I like my fairytales as dark as possible. I’m a twisty chica. 

Category the Eighth: No, cause he’s taking a dirt nap 

corey haim drinks iced coffee 

Unless Dunkin’ Donuts has franchised in heaven (or hell, I suppose) I think the Haimster’s iced-coffee days are over, sad to say.

Here’s Haim pretending to read a book. I’m surprised it’s not upside-down, honestly. Look at those skinny little arms, my word.

Category the Ninth: Aw, you. 

shall i tell you what i find beautiful about you… you are at your very best when things are worst.
you are pretty stellar 

Aw. Blush. BLUSH YOU GUYS. Oh, wait, these have nothing to do with me and just happened to get me here? Well, SCREW YOU THEN, I’m taking my toys and I’m GOING HOME, see if I ever come back to play with YOU again. 

Well! There’s that, then! What did we learn this month, my Precious Moments figurines? That people are pervy and also sometimes HILARIOUS? Sure, that’s a godo lesson. I like that. I am down with that. 

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches. 

Love, Me. 

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

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