Are these my only two options?

Before we get started – it is sj’s birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SJ! You make every day better by being in my life, and I am so grateful to know you and to count you as one of my most favorite people. I hope your day is amazing and your year ahead is the best yet! Everyone be sure to tell sj happy birthday!

Here is a pirate cake for your birthday, sj. ARGHHHHH.

I was talking to a friend the other day, and we were discussing those “would you rather” questions. You know those questions, right? Like, “would you rather eat nothing but sandwiches or popsicles for the whole rest of your life?” (That’s obviously a terrible example, you have to pick sandwiches, if you pick popsicles you would die of malnutrition so there’s really no choice, even though POPSICLES ARE DELICIOUS.) She brought up a good one, that actually is something I’ve thought of before – I’ll talk about it at the end, though, because it’s actually really good, and it’s a good note to end on. 

Anyway, so I was like, huh, I wonder if the interwebs has a million “would you rathers” for me to play with because I’m bored as shit at work today? And the answer is YES THEY DO. So let’s play would you rather today! You can play along. Just see how your answers match up with mine, I guess, I don’t know what the hell. 

Oh, you want rules? What, have you been living under a rock? FINE, the rules are you get a scenario and you have to pick one or the other. You can’t say “neither.” You can have time to think about it and you can puzzle it out or whatever, but there’s no abstaining. It’s one or the other. You don’t get further options, either. THIS IS IT. Them’s the rules, buckaroo, I didn’t make ‘em. Everyone knows the rules of would you rather. I guess maybe dirty hippies don’t, I don’t know. Maybe you’re a dirty hippie, I don’t know your life. 

Here, we’ll warm up with an easy one. 

Would you rather give up your computer forever or your TV forever? 

Duh, you obviously pick your TV. Because with your computer, you can watch all your programs via Hulu or pirating (arr) or whatever, but unless you’ve got that fancy-expensive (and seemingly difficult to use) Web TV garbage, you can’t surf the web on your television. 

All warmed up? Good.  

Would you rather always have to say everything on your mind or never speak again? 

Never speak again. I’d be fine with that. This doesn’t say I can’t type, so I could still blog/email/Twitter, so I could still communicate. Plus, no one wants to hear everything that’s on my mind. NO ONE. Trust me on that. There’s a lot of shit in there that needs to stay where it belongs. Locked down. Tight tight tight. Key thrown away. I’m not even kidding. It’s a dark and twisty place, that brain of mine. My SECRETS even have secrets. 

Would you rather be able to hear any conversation or take back anything you say? 

I’ll take takebacksies. Because I don’t want to hear any conversation. I’m a big proponent of “this is not my business.” And if it’s not my business, I butt right the hell out. I don’t snoop (Facebook stalking DOES NOT COUNT, I mean in real life) and I don’t listen at the cracks and I don’t try to peek at things I’m not supposed to see. Because twice I’ve purposely done that, and both times I found out such terrible things that I was depressed and upset for MONTHS. And who wants to invite things like that into their lives? No one does, that’s who. So I mind my own, and it infuriates me when others don’t mind their own. Privacy is underrated in this world. (I don’t count social media or the internet. It’s your own damn fault if you put something up on the internet. You put it there, that’s there for all to see, dummy.) Also, I say a lot of stupid things. I’d like to take them back, if given the opportunity. 

Would you rather be able to stop time or fly? 


This reminds me of one of these a boy I used to love (sigh) asked me once. “Tail or wings?” he said. I was all, “whaaa?” and he was like, “you have to choose one, do you choose a tail, or wings?” I obviously chose wings, but he was like, “Nope, tail, because then people know what mood you’re in without asking.” Heh. I just lurved him to bits, that one. Redhead. Southern accent. Swoooon. 

Anyway, in this case, stop time. Because then you could stop time right before accidents, and if you were having a really good time you could prolong it, and if you needed more time to get ready (or, sigh, sleep) you could have it. I don’t care so much about flying, whatever. Birds are assholes and would just peck you and shit on you anyway. 

Would you rather be rich and ugly, or poor and good looking? 

Rich and ugly, OBVS. Who cares what I look like? I’ve got all the money. I can hide all beauty-and-the-beast-style in my mega-library if I want. I don’t give two shits for appearances but I sure would like to be able to pay my bills AND get groceries every month. 

Would you rather be stranded on an island alone or with someone you hate? 

Wilson? Wilson? WILSOONNNNNN!

Alone. I hate people. I’d honestly even choose alone over someone I LIKED, because you’d start to hate someone you liked if you were in constant contact with them with no one else or no technology to be a buffer 24/7/365, I think. So your friendship or romance or whatever would be in the crapper AND you’d be on a desert island (SIDE NOTE one time? I knew this guy who always wrote “desert” as “dessert” so he would have written that sentence “dessert island,” so, hee! and, yum!) so who would you complain to, the palm trees? The seagulls? This island is the worst, I’d rather be alone. 

Would you rather eat a stick of butter or a gallon of ice cream? 

Oh, shit, I just realized – this is a HALF-gallon of ice cream. I take it back. I could barely eat this, I could never eat a gallon of ice cream. Never mind.

Um. People DON’T eat gallons of ice cream? I could totally eat a gallon of ice cream. I mean, I’d have to take breaks in between and like walk around or something, maybe put on a sweater, watch some television, I don’t know, but I don’t even think it would be all that taxing on me.  

Would you rather end hunger or hatred? 

I adore this movie. Does that make me a dirty hippie?

Hatred. Because if you end hatred, then I think people would work harder to end hunger, and both problems would be solved. 

Would you rather find true love or 10 million dollars? 

Twue wuv.

Ugh, this one’s tough. Probably love. I KNOW! Money’s all super-important and shit. But this doesn’t say I have to live like a pauper with my true love, just that I can have either ten million or true love. So probably I can have my true love and live like a normal human, or ten million and…um…random sex with random people, I guess. I take the love. I’m used to not having money, and love would be nice. I know, you’re all surprised I was so squishy on this one. I’m broken, but I still would like to fall in love someday, come on, people. 

Would you rather have a kangaroo or koala as your pet? 

So sleepy, aw! Dumbcat would love him.

A koala. I know they’re supposed to be all vicious (or is that pandas? I forget), but at least they’re small. Kangaroos are bigger and where would you keep it? I have a very small apartment. I could keep a koala under my bathroom vanity if I wanted. A kangaroo would need like a pen or a backyard or some such nonsense. I don’t have those things. 

Would you rather forget who you were or who everyone else was? 

This doesn’t make a lot of sense. I assume, by the wording, if I forget who I am, I know who everyone else is? That doesn’t logically compute, because if I know who everyone else is, don’t I know who they are in relation to me? Or am I just like, “That is Bob, he is a man who lives on Main Street and has three daughters HOW DO I KNOW THIS????” And if I forget who everyone else is, and they know who I am, they could talk to me and we could, I assume, start our friendship all over again, right? Are the memories I made with those people gone? So is my life like a void? Good gracious. 

I’m going to have to say, forgetting who everyone else is is probably the better option, because then I can at least function, and the people who are worthwhile would stick it out with me and would still be amnesiac-me’s friend. I think. The people who had friend-ADD would be like, “BORED NOW” and take off. So I guess I’d know who my real friends are? 

Oh, yeah, back to the beginning LIKE A FULL CIRCLE. Who says I can’t write. So the “would you rather” that started this whole thing was this: let’s say you have a daughter. Your daughter can be one of two things: a terrible bully, or terribly bullied. Which do you choose?  

It’s actually come to mind for me before, because it’s on my list of “reasons I’d be a terrible parent.” I couldn’t imagine parenting a girl for this very reason. If she came home bullied, I’d at least have the tools in my skillset to help her deal with that, even if it killed me to watch her go through that. But if she came home a bully? How would I deal with that? I have no idea. It would be like living with the enemy. I don’t know how I’d be able to handle it. 

But to answer the question. First, I was like, of course I think I’d choose to parent the bully. As painful as it would be for me, at least I wouldn’t have a child who was going through what I went through. So I was all, I saved my hypothetical child! Then I thought, NO, I am damning OTHER hypothetical children to being bullied by my child. Multiple hypothetical children! That is worse! That is so much worse! But if I was the parent of a bully, could I maybe make her stop? Could I get her help, counseling, teach her that it wasn’t ok? 

My final answer, with apologies to my hypothetical and no no no never female offspring, is that I choose to parent the bullied child. At least I know how to deal with that, and at least I’m not foisting a bully off onto the populace to crush other children’s spirits. Sorry, non-existent hypothetical child, for wishing pain upon you. It’s for the greater good. I martyred you before I even had you. 

Shit, I totally want popsicles now, even though they’re not nutritionally sound. DAMN YOU POWER OF SUGGESTION.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

27 responses to “Are these my only two options?

  • elaine4queen

    science project!


    lets see if wingdings work in wp comments! ☠☠☠☠☠ ☠!


  • nerdmommathfun

    Popsicles – nomnomnomnom!!

    Loved it – I think we agreed on most of them… Except the ugly & rich vs. good-looking & poor. Yeah. I’m that vain. *sigh* I’m working on it.


  • nerdmommathfun

    Popsicles – nomnomnomnom!!

    Thought-provoking (and well-written, like always!)… I think we agreed on all of them but the rich & ugly vs. poor & good-looking. *sigh*. Vanity – I’m working on it.


  • sj

    <3 Thank you, Amy. I love that cake so much. SO MUCH!


  • lahikmajoe

    When I was in college, my friend Stan offered to come with me while I did my laundry at a coin-operated laundromat. On the way, we stopped into a convenience store, and he pulled a gallon of ice cream out of the cooler.

    I looked at him and said, ‘Hey, there’s no way we can eat that whole thing at the laundromat, and whatever we don’t eat will melt.’

    His answer?

    ‘Who said we were going to eat this?

    He bought the ice cream, went with me to wash my clothes, and proceeded to eat the whole thing while we were sitting there. No ice cream melted in the course of this story.

    Well, I suppose it melted in Stan’s belly. That was the point, right?


    • lucysfootball

      I like Stan. I like him, because his name rhymes with plan, and he certainly had one, didn’t he?

      After that day, did you ever hear from Stan again? Or did he die of ice-cream-related brain freeze?


      • lahikmajoe

        He’s a very active Latin percussionist in Cincinnati, Ohio. Plays with quite a few bands, one of which is called Bailando Desnuda.

        Really good guy. I have no idea if he still eats ice cream that way. I somehow doubt it.


  • lahikmajoe

    Would you rather give up mustard or mayonnaise? (mayonnaise)

    Would you rather climb a mountain or dive to the bottom of the sea? (the mountain)

    How many goats does one need when you take the Staten Island ferry to fulfil that ‘renting your goats out to the people of Staten Island’ dream?

    That last one’s not an either/or. It’s a real dilemma. How many goats?


    • lucysfootball

      I feel like the questions you gave yourself were not hard enough. Even *I* could answer those first two about you.

      The last one…well, Staten Island’s not very big. And I can’t imagine that many of the denizens would want, or need, goats. There are currently about 470,000 people living on Staten Island. Let’s say 1 in 100 people might want a goat. “Wait, Amy, surely more people than that would want GOATS!” I can hear you saying. I know. You’d THINK so. But people downstate are fancy. I don’t think they’d want goats, Ken. Sorry. So that’s 4,700 goats. Now! That ferry’s not that big. You have to take multiple trips to bring over all those goats. The ferry holds approximately 725 people, give or take. Quick math tells me that’d be about 13 trips to Staten Island to get all those goats over there. (I’m thinking you wouldn’t want more than half as many goats as you’d want people on a ferry. Goats are anarchists, you know? Things could go bad pretty quickly.)

      So, the answer is: 4,700, over 13 trips on the ferry.

      You’re really quite lucky you have me for things like this.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    “WILSONNNN!” had me rofl:ing! :D


  • Heather

    The only one I answered differently was flying vs. stopping time. I think I would rather fly, honestly. I’ve read two many sci-fi/fantasy books to know that messing with time can have very, very bad consequences. So flying, it is. I agree with all the rest.


  • Jericha Senyak (@JerichaSenyak)

    Well, this was fabulously interesting, because a whole bunch of my answers were different, but I totally understand why you chose the answers you did – which i guess is why you play “would you rather,” it’s supposed to illuminate DEEP SECRETS about your personality or something, even if it usually ends in really stupid arguments. I’m going to answer ALL of them, because you ASKED. Kind of. You DID ask, right?

    TV vs computer is easy under any circumstances, made easier by the fact that I have NEVER owned a TV.

    I’m with you on the choice of never speak again. You CAN still communicate. Better than HAVING to communicate. That would be awful. No privacy at all.

    But I’d rather be able to hear any conversation. I’ve learned so much from saying things I wish I hadn’t. Being able to just press rewind instead of having to undo the damage the hard way would allow me some serious moral shortcuts. And it doesn’t say I HAVE to hear any conversation, just that I CAN. Then I could prove that secretly evil people were evil, and stop terrorist plots, and reveal that Republicans campaigning for “election reform” really just wanted to stop Democrats from voting, and stuff.

    And I’d DEFINITELY pick flying. Stopping time would TOTALLY be more convenient, and probably better for the general good of the world, but damn it, I really want to be able to fly.

    I’d choose poor and good-looking. (Hell, I AM poor and good-looking! *preens*) I’d rather be happy in the way I look and not a lot of money than have people only want to get with me because I had dollar dollar bills y’all. What’s fascinating to me, though, is that I would ALSO rather have 10 million dollars than find true love, because I think “true love” is a stupid fairytale thing and I’d take “warm honest caring and sometimes problematic affection” over it any day, and you picked opposite answers from me for both of these. So either way we both end up with a bunch of money and a plausible chance at getting someone to like us a lot. Win!

    Gallon of ice cream, agreed. My dad once got dared to eat a stick of butter and he said it was the worst decision he’d ever made.

    I’m also with you on hatred. If everybody stopping hating there’d be a lot more sharing of things. Things like food.

    Koalas are adorable and look like teddy bears, so I’d take my chances.

    I think I’d rather forget who *I* am, though, even though I have to agree that that question made basically no sense at all. Other people could help me get my bearings on myself. But forgetting who everyone else was seems like it would be fantastically lonely. Well, it would suck either way. I don’t like that one.

    And you’re right, the last one is HARD. I think I’d stick with your answer, though. Because at least I could provide love and support instead of basically hating my kid for being an asshole.


  • Em

    I agreed with you on every single question, even the last one, despite the fact that I went through bullying myself when I was younger and it sucked to the highest degree of suckage available.

    So I need to apologize to my hypothetical daughter too. (My son dealt with a little bullying but he was like, “Loser” because he was much bigger than everyone else. Except once when something really extreme happened because he was the child of a lesbian and some young adults didn’t like that. But that was really gay bashing, not bullying. Even though he’s straight. Okay. Anyway. With kids his own age, when they tried to punch him, he just put his hand on their forehead and let them punch the air and was all … when you’re done … and he’s very intellectually oriented, so if they tried to use verbal bullying, he’d be all “That’s not even logical, here, let’s explore why this is a ridiculous hypothesis and you obviously need to adjust your faulty reasoning.” Which is how I talked to him about it when he was little and it just sort of stuck. He also would stop bullying if he saw it going on! He is a cool man and was an cool kid.)


    • lucysfootball

      Your son sounds wonderful. But so do you, so I don’t expect otherwise, you know?


      • 35JupiterDrive

        Aw, thank you! You know, the bullying question is really reminding me of a short story by Ursala K. LeGuin, The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas. So hard. And the thing about bullying is, it does tend to come up very short on the intellectual prowess mark so that is one way to combat it, in my experience. And we were/are very big on social justice in our house.


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