Remember last week we talked about aliens either being in Pennsylvania and bothering poor Jim or not bothering poor Jim, who knows? Well! Listen, I was playing around online (it’s what I do) and found a LOT of alien stuff. SO MUCH ALIEN STUFF. Listen, I think we need to take a closer look at this alien situation, because it’s a total worry.
This comes from this website io9. The tagline of this website is “we come from the future.” Well, that’s already scary. A whole WEBSITE from the FUTURE? Oh, I don’t know about that, I can barely deal with my day-to-day.
In this article, we find out that there are a TON more planets capable of hosting alien life out in the galaxy than we thought there were. TONS. Like, we only thought here were SOME, but apparently scientists were WRONG (are we totally discovering in our search for truthiness and such that science is not…um…an exact science? Yes, yes we are) and there are a not only a lot more planets in existence than they thought there were, there are a lot more planets that could host alien life forms.
Hmm. Maybe we shouldn’t have discontinued our space shuttle program, right? Because of the aliens. Because of all the aliens. Do you think the aliens know we’re here and are ignoring us because we’re annoying and we don’t recycle as much as we should? I”m guessing yes. I think they’re well-aware we’re here, and they’re all, “Oh, please don’t let them notice us. Oh, please. OH CRAP THEY SAW US YOU GUYS. Frank, I TOLD you not to move, dammit. This is ALL YOUR FAULT, effing FRANK.”
Now, let’s say we FIND the aliens that we now know exist on all these planets. What will happen when we find them?
According to this article, they will conquer us, conquer us all, but they will not eat us or do the horizontal tango with us. Huh. Well, THAT’S something.
Apparently, the aliens will come here and conquer us because they need our resources, just like in the movies. Disturbing! Listen, aliens, I don’t have any resources, I’m a very poor poor person. And you can’t have Dumbcat. He’s my most special resource and you wouldn’t have any use for him anyway. He would just try to hide in your pots and pans cupboard. Do you even have a pots and pans cupboard on a spaceship? Probably not. SO WHERE WOULD HE HIDE?
The aliens would not eat us, though. The aliens would not eat or drink anything on our planet. They would not need to, because they would eat and drink things from their OWN planet. Huh. Well, what happens when they run out of their sack lunches? They’re going to get pretty hungry and the cafeteria’s pretty far away.
And, and probably MOST importantly, they would NOT want to mate with us. This is the best paragraph in the entire article. Because, well, alien sex. And it’s written in a humorous tone. Listen:
“The idea that they’ve come for breeding purposes is more akin to wishful thinking by members of the audience who don’t have good social lives,” Shostak told IEEE Spectrum. “Think about how well we breed with other species on Earth, and they have DNA. It would be like trying to breed with an oak tree.”
So the geeks of the world WANT to have sex with the aliens. ALL THE ALIEN SEX. (Also, don’t Google “sex with an alien” because you will need to bleach your eyeballs.) And also, “trying to breed with an oak tree” made me laugh and laugh. I knew this girl once who was either nuts or really, really hungry for attention, and she used to make out with trees. And rub up on them. And hump them. And people’d be all, “There goes Mary, humping a tree again!” and we’d just nod sagely and be like, yep, that’s Mary for you, with those trees. So Mary from my past would totally try to have sex with the aliens. Because she loved trees. LURVED trees. Or just the attention people paid when she was humping on trees.
So the aliens will come and take us over and they don’t want us for FOOD and they don’t want us for MATING so what DO they want us for? My guess is hard labor or as pets. Or they’ll just kill us because we’re in the way and dirtying up their pretty new Earth.
Finally, we have this – proof that the aliens are probably already here. And among us! But not boffing us. They don’t do that. We learned that above, weren’t you paying attention?
This is from some news website somewhere in California. I feel like that’s how these things start. Small TV stations report them, because the government doesn’t let the big sites do it. That’s what my Dad would say, anyway. GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY! CHIPS IN OUR BRAINS!
Apparently there’s an object in the Baltic Sea – the Baltic sea is between Sweden and Finland, and GUESS WHO LIVES OF RIGHT NEAR THE BALTIC SEA?
Yep, my Science Fellow Andreas, oh, Andreas, you’re living right over the aliens, this is bad, so, so bad.
This object looks like the Millennium Falcon and has a dome-shaped top and they keep sending divers down to investigate it, but it doesn’t seem like a lot of details are being released. OF COURSE THEY’RE NOT BECAUSE OF ALIENS.
Here’s a bigger article out of England. Rocks covered in soot and a runway and unidentified shapes under the sea! This is very exciting. Also, did you see the part of the article that said there is a TON of treasure at the bottom of the Baltic Sea? Andreas! You are living over a ton of treasure. You should go be a pirate, it would be very lucrative where you are. Arr!
So, what have we learned today? Aliens have plenty of places to live; they’re totally coming here, but they won’t be playing hide the sausage with us; and there are alien ships (and pirate treasure!) under Andreas, one that possibly attempted to make the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs (and failed, apparently, because, well, bottom of the sea.)
These are important things to remember. Also, the aliens could take many forms, from this:
So keep an eye peeled. Report back on any occurrences. I’m working out a survival plan, I’ll let you know what I come up with.