She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.

Remember last week we talked about aliens either being in Pennsylvania and bothering poor Jim or not bothering poor Jim, who knows? Well! Listen, I was playing around online (it’s what I do) and found a LOT of alien stuff. SO MUCH ALIEN STUFF. Listen, I think we need to take a closer look at this alien situation, because it’s a total worry.

This comes from this website io9. The tagline of this website is “we come from the future.” Well, that’s already scary. A whole WEBSITE from the FUTURE? Oh, I don’t know about that, I can barely deal with my day-to-day.

In this article, we find out that there are a TON more planets capable of hosting alien life out in the galaxy than we thought there were. TONS. Like, we only thought here were SOME, but apparently scientists were WRONG (are we totally discovering in our search for truthiness and such that science is not…um…an exact science? Yes, yes we are) and there are a not only a lot more planets in existence than they thought there were, there are a lot more planets that could host alien life forms.

Heh, Uranus.

Hmm. Maybe we shouldn’t have discontinued our space shuttle program, right? Because of the aliens. Because of all the aliens. Do you think the aliens know we’re here and are ignoring us because we’re annoying and we don’t recycle as much as we should? I”m guessing yes. I think they’re well-aware we’re here, and they’re all, “Oh, please don’t let them notice us. Oh, please. OH CRAP THEY SAW US YOU GUYS. Frank, I TOLD you not to move, dammit. This is ALL YOUR FAULT, effing FRANK.”

“HIDE, Frank. Hide. What don’t you understand about this? WE CAN’T LET THEM SEE US. They are TOTALLY ANNOYING and will WANT TO BORROW OUR LAWNMOWERS. And you KNOW they would never return them until a long time passes and it gets really awkward.”

Now, let’s say we FIND the aliens that we now know exist on all these planets. What will happen when we find them?

According to this article, they will conquer us, conquer us all, but they will not eat us or do the horizontal tango with us. Huh. Well, THAT’S something.

Apparently, the aliens will come here and conquer us because they need our resources, just like in the movies. Disturbing! Listen, aliens, I don’t have any resources, I’m a very poor poor person. And you can’t have Dumbcat. He’s my most special resource and you wouldn’t have any use for him anyway. He would just try to hide in your pots and pans cupboard. Do you even have a pots and pans cupboard on a spaceship? Probably not. SO WHERE WOULD HE HIDE?

The aliens would not eat us, though. The aliens would not eat or drink anything on our planet. They would not need to, because they would eat and drink things from their OWN planet. Huh. Well, what happens when they run out of their sack lunches? They’re going to get pretty hungry and the cafeteria’s pretty far away.

I found this on the internet for you. This is a hungry alien. He likes…um…ice cream bars? I guess?

And, and probably MOST importantly, they would NOT want to mate with us. This is the best paragraph in the entire article. Because, well, alien sex. And it’s written in a humorous tone. Listen:

“The idea that they’ve come for breeding purposes is more akin to wishful thinking by members of the audience who don’t have good social lives,” Shostak told IEEE Spectrum. “Think about how well we breed with other species on Earth, and they have DNA. It would be like trying to breed with an oak tree.”

I guess this book is a real thing? Um. I don’t think…no. No, I don’t think I want to read this. Thanks.

So the geeks of the world WANT to have sex with the aliens. ALL THE ALIEN SEX. (Also, don’t Google “sex with an alien” because you will need to bleach your eyeballs.) And also, “trying to breed with an oak tree” made me laugh and laugh. I knew this girl once who was either nuts or really, really hungry for attention, and she used to make out with trees. And rub up on them. And hump them. And people’d be all, “There goes Mary, humping a tree again!” and we’d just nod sagely and be like, yep, that’s Mary for you, with those trees. So Mary from my past would totally try to have sex with the aliens. Because she loved trees. LURVED trees. Or just the attention people paid when she was humping on trees.


So the aliens will come and take us over and they don’t want us for FOOD and they don’t want us for MATING so what DO they want us for? My guess is hard labor or as pets. Or they’ll just kill us because we’re in the way and dirtying up their pretty new Earth.

Finally, we have this – proof that the aliens are probably already here. And among us! But not boffing us. They don’t do that. We learned that above, weren’t you paying attention?

This is from some news website somewhere in California. I feel like that’s how these things start. Small TV stations report them, because the government doesn’t let the big sites do it. That’s what my Dad would say, anyway. GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY! CHIPS IN OUR BRAINS!

Apparently there’s an object in the Baltic Sea – the Baltic sea is between Sweden and Finland, and GUESS WHO LIVES OF RIGHT NEAR THE BALTIC SEA?

Yep, my Science Fellow Andreas, oh, Andreas, you’re living right over the aliens, this is bad, so, so bad.

This object looks like the Millennium Falcon and has a dome-shaped top and they keep sending divers down to investigate it, but it doesn’t seem like a lot of details are being released. OF COURSE THEY’RE NOT BECAUSE OF ALIENS.

Here’s the Millennium Falcon…

…and here’s the object. SAMESIES!

Here’s a bigger article out of England. Rocks covered in soot and a runway and unidentified shapes under the sea! This is very exciting. Also, did you see the part of the article that said there is a TON of treasure at the bottom of the Baltic Sea? Andreas! You are living over a ton of treasure. You should go be a pirate, it would be very lucrative where you are. Arr!

Avast, Andreas, my matey!

So, what have we learned today? Aliens have plenty of places to live; they’re totally coming here, but they won’t be playing hide the sausage with us; and there are alien ships (and pirate treasure!) under Andreas, one that possibly attempted to make the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs (and failed, apparently, because, well, bottom of the sea.)

These are important things to remember. Also, the aliens could take many forms, from this:

To this:

To this.

So keep an eye peeled. Report back on any occurrences. I’m working out a survival plan, I’ll let you know what I come up with.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

26 responses to “She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.

  • Aleks (@yeksovic)

    If an alien WAS coming on to you, though, you would have the opportunity to use “aargh” in a sexual context.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Breeding with aliens is not theoretically impossible. The likelihood of an alien lifeform to be based on DNA is quite high. However (you knew there would be a ‘however’, didn’t you?), their genetic code would probably be completely different so some kind of codon translator would have to be deployed in order to merge alien genes with human DNA or vice versa.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    The Åland islands is a hotbed for alien activity, apparently. My great grandfather recon he had an encounter of the second degree and my cousin one of the first degree. But I don’t know. In my opinion, the aliens seem to be conspicuous in their absence. Shouldn’t they be everywhere?


    • lucysfootball

      Good gracious, Andreas, I had no idea! Have you heard about that Millenium Falcon spaceship under your sea? I guess it’s been there for like a year, but this is the first I’d heard of it. YOU BE CAREFUL. You should bring some sort of weapons with you when you go out. Alien-killin’ weapons. Just in case.


  • Heather

    I’m going to start sneaking pictures of “people” who are really probably aliens, and start a notebook. That way, we’ll already have a database if their fellow dwellers-of-another-planet try to take over Earth.


  • sj

    Hee! “Avast, Andreas, my matey!” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


  • lahikmajoe

    Would it surprise you to know that Ding Dong Joe already has a first edition of your Supernatural Sex with the Aliens book?

    He does. What does he think of the book?

    ‘Meh’, he says. But what does he think of ALL the sex with the slutty aliens? Oh, he thinks that’s just peachy. There’s ol’ Ding Dong Joe for you.


    • lucysfootball

      Do you know, in my head there’s totally a buddy comedy happening where you and Ding Dong Joe live together and have madcap adventures. He lives over your garage. Your wife, of course, thoroughly disapproves.

      A first edition, huh? That’ll be worth something someday, for sure.


  • blogginglily

    This article was very short by your standards, so I feel as if I need to compensate with my comments. Couple general points:

    1) It makes me laugh that every time you reference Andreas, regardless of whether you’re utilizing him in a technical capacity, you include the Science Fellow badge in the article. BUT. . . now I want a badge and a title.

    2) okay, there was really only one general point, but it’s easier to type this under “2)” than to go up and change the text above to read “one general point”.

    Okay, on to the article. We have hunger issues. Why is it “understood” that an alien race would NOT be interested in eating our food? On the one hand they want us for our “resources” (presumably fuels, water, minerals, etc). . . on the other hand they do NOT want our food? Isn’t that a resource? Stupid science. Of course they want our fucking food. They just traveled across the galaxy with destination Earth in mind and one or two possibilities occur. . . one, their ship is self-sustaining, or two, they’re relying on supplies that are designed to run at or near empty by the time they reach their destination, at which point they are able to replenish supplies for the trip back.

    If the ship is self-sustaining, I think they’d STILL want a break from “ship-food” whether they eat krill or beef or people or vegetables. “Mac and Cheese again? Awww, commander, can’t we go for sushi for a change?” Do these fucking scientists not have kids? Of COURSE they’ll eat our food.

    Also, though the picture you included bears a striking similarity to the Millennium Falcon, I think there’s a far more reasonable explanation. Giant Space Sloth. See picture.


    • lucysfootball

      You need a title before you get a badge. What’s your specialty here? (Note: general awesomeness, although, well, awesome, is not a specialty.)

      I think the aliens couldn’t process our food. It would give them tummyaches, maybe, I don’t know. Maybe they don’t like our Cheetos and Ring Dings, the commie alien bastards.

      I can’t see giant space sloth. I WANT TO SEE. Dammit. Stupid work blocking all the pictures because they don’t want me to have any fun at all. (Although, randomly, after a year, they unblocked whatever was blocking me being able to respond to comments. I don’t know, either.)


  • blogginglily

    it is not for me to name myself. That would be presumptuous. Did Andreas name himself Science Fellow?? No, he did not.


    • lucysfootball

      Actually…he did. I said, “Andreas, what do you want to be, Science Dude, or what?” and he said, “Science Fellow!” and I was all, “Done and DONE.” I did it in a blog post, even.


      • blogginglily

        bah! You prompted it. I know that trick. I do it with my children. . . Lily, do you want pudding or yogurt? (maybe she wants neither, but I don’t give her THAT options). I’m not your child, Amy!!


        • lucysfootball

          I am GIVING you the OPPORTUNITY to CHOOSE YOUR TITLE. And your SPECIALTY! This is a very good offer, Jim! I’m not even prompting!

          Also, can I have pudding AND yogurt? Or either, I don’t care. I like both.

          No, you’re not my child. If you were we’d totally go out for ice cream and to play mini-golf. I’d be a fun mom. Well, we’d only get ice cream today, because it’s balls-to-the-wall hot out there, gah. Like 100. No mini-golf when it’s 100, I don’t want my kid getting heatstroke.


          • blogginglily

            Fine. . . I’ll give it some thought. But I think my badge will be a fist holding a lightning bolt. Or lightning bolts.


  • kitchenmudge

    Really folks, many of you are probably using alien technology every day:

    Andreas should be checking out the Baltic for a supply of IPhones.


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