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“Truly, I am a marionette and he is a master puppeteer.”

Today we have to discuss something VERY SERIOUS. That affects ALL OF US. Are you ready? Are you ready for something very serious that affects all of us? 

What is it, Amy? What affects all of us? 

Bad porn, is what. 

Listen, I just finished reading Fifty Shades of Grey, and people who purchased this and are reading this and are all het up about this, we need to have a discussion about why this is a VERY BIG MISTAKE ON YOUR PART. 

I’m not giving you the Amazon link to this because I DO NOT THINK YOU SHOULD BUY OR READ THIS.

Now, I am not a porn connoisseur. I couldn’t honestly care less about porn. I know it exists. As long as it’s not being waggled in children’s faces or the cause of crime against women or whatever, porn, you keep on keeping on. Everything has its place. Even porn. I’m a firm (heh, firm) believer that everyone has their kink, as as long as no one gets hurt, you do your thing. 

However, there’s PORN, then there’s Fifty Shades of Grey. 

Oh, don’t even get all technical with me and say it’s erotica, or even literotica. What it is, my little cauliflower florets, is one of the worst books I’ve ever read in my entire life. And I have read a LOT of books. A LOT a lot. 

First, can I just explain, please, why I read this book. It was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly and I didn’t even read the article and I was like, huh, must be interesting or something, and I put it on reserve at the library. Then I heard it was getting banned all over and I thought, well, NOW we KNOW it must be interesting! If someone tells me I’m not ALLOWED to read something, then I REALLY want to read it. Then people started telling me what it was about, and I thought, huh. Well, who cares, I don’t mind erotica. I read all of those stupid Ann Rice Sleeping Beauty books. Those were pretty steamy. 

Oh, in case you live under a rock or maybe in the outback or something, Fifty Shades of Grey is about two people in a consensual BDSM relationship. Plus some other stuff. We’ll go more into that later. Also, do I have to tell you that a., there are going to be spoilers here, and b., WE’RE TALKING ABOUT SEX STUFF TODAY? So kids, go watch a Disney movie, or something, and people who want to remain unspoiled for the book (I think most anyone who wanted to read it have by now, though) you can go read my archives or something, I suppose. 

See? Nice. Go watch this, kiddos. Don’t keep reading, you’ll get a complex.

Moving on. I was not at all comfortable with the older women in my office who decided to have a conversation about it with me in the lunchroom before I’d even read it, though. I’m not friends with these people. I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT SEX WITH YOU.

OIder lady 1: Amy, you like to read. Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey?
Me: Nope.
Older lady 1: You should. It’s about…(whispers) SEX.
Me: I’ve heard. I have it on reserve at the library. I’ll read it someday.
Older lady 1: All KINDS of sex. KINKY sex.
Me: Mmm-hmm. (Frantically reading book, eating sandwich, trying to look busy so the conversation would stop)
Older lady 1: SO MUCH SEX. I was wondering, where’s the plot? Because there was SO MUCH KINKY SEX. People were TYING PEOPLE UP!
Me: Oh? Huh. (Reading! Eating! READING!)
Older lady 2, walking in: Hey, ladies! What are we talking about?
Older lady 1: Fifty Shades of Grey! It’s a book about ALL THE SEX!
Older lady 2: Oh! Wow! (sits, settles in for a long discussion)
Me: I…um…have to get a thing from the place. (leaves in a hurry) 

(SIDE NOTE: I don’t MIND discussing sex, just not with women old enough to be my mom that I don’t know very well and don’t like all that much. And not in the work lunchroom. That seems unsanitary. That’s where the FOOD is.) 

OK. So. Fifty Shades of Grey. Why’s it so bad, Amy? Is it the sex? No. The sex is fine. Is it the subject matter? Nope, like I said, whatever, there’s a place for porn (or erotica, or literotica, whatever) and great, good, you go, book, you go. 

Here’s the problem. 

IT IS ONE OF THE MOST POORLY-WRITTEN THINGS I HAVE EVER READ. 

Here’s a quick rundown. Anastasia Steele, a very, very clumsy girl about to graduate college, is roped into interviewing Christian Grey, a very rich businessman. They dig each other. They get together. He’s into being a dominant! He wants her to be his submissive! He has ISSUES! In his own words, he is “fifty shades of fucked up!” Plus, his last name is GREY! HENCE THE TITLE YO! 

Will these two crazy kids make it work? Oh, will they? I CAN’T WAIT TO FIND OUT! Oh, wait, yes. Yes, I can. I can wait. I can SO WAIT. I can wait FOREVER. 

I assure you this single photo is a billion times sexier than the entire series. And I didn’t even read books two and three.

So I got the book from the library. I was a little worried it would be sticky. You don’t know what people do with library books that are NORMAL, I don’t want to know what they do with PORN. 

I read about thirty pages and was in tears of laughter about how badly it was written. I scared the cat. I was talking to the damn book. OUT LOUD. 

First, I was only a little way in before I said, “Huh. What’s going on here? Ana seems a lot like Bella from Twilight, with the self-doubt and the clumsiness. Is clumsiness the new black? If so, I am on the CUTTING EDGE OF COOL since I fall down ALL THE DAMN TIME. Where’s my knight in shining armor, I wonder?”

Oh my NOOO! Look at poor clumsy helpless BELLA! (Man, did I hope this truck was going to hit her. It didn’t. I had sadface.)

Then someone on Twitter pointed out that the book started as Twilight fan fiction, and the Twi-hards were all, “Um…naughty! But titillating!” so the author just changed the names and published it. 

Listen, had I known that, I would NOT have read this book. I hate Twilight. HATE. With the fire of a thousand suns HATE. 

Also, it says something that even Stephenie Meyer was all, “Um…yeah. No. No, this isn’t…good for her, but…no.” 

So even though it was the worst book ever, based on one of my least-favorite series ever, I kept reading. Why? To be honest, I wanted to blog about it. It’s the main reason I do anything hilariously awful lately. 

Here are some (and there are many) issues I have with this book. 

Argh 

One of the only times that “argh” is permissible. Plus, it’s Joss, he can do whatever he wants.

At least twice that I counted, in the middle of some very “hot” sex (the sarcastic quotes are because there’s nothing hot about the sex Ana and Christian had, ever, except, I suppose, the temperature when they were having it in a bathtub) Ana made the noise “argh.” Now, I’m pretty sure if you make the noise “argh,” you are a., a pirate, b., tripped over an ottoman, c., foiled again, curses, d. doing the Mutant Enemy Joss Whedon credits and saying “grr, argh.” You’re not in the throes of passion. (She also made the noise “Aaaaah!” and “Aaaaagh.”) An easy fix? “Ana moaned.” See? See how much more sexy that is? NO ONE WOULD SAY ARGH DURING SEX. If I was having sex with a guy and he broke out the “argh” I would laugh so hard one of us would roll off the bed, I’m not even kidding. Oh, you want an example? HAPPY TO OBLIGE. Let’s take this. The Bloggess had her laptop stolen. So she wrote a post entitled Aaaaaaargh. THIS IS AN APPROPRIATE USE OF ARGH. Not during SEX. Not during something you’re ENJOYING. (Well, I guess unless you have a charley horse. Not that this has ever happened to me. OK FINE ONCE IN COLLEGE. And it was the WORST. Talk about something that took me by surprise. GOOD GRAVY.) I don’t take a bite of cereal in the morning and go “ARGH!” unless  the milk’s gone bad. Who does this? The answer is no one. No one does this.

Euphemism 

Oh, I’m pretty sure this was utilized in the writing of this book.

I’m not saying I needed a clinical textbook or anything, but the only body part that was referred to by its proper name (I’m of course referring to our swimsuit area body parts, don’t be ridiculous, of course she said “arms and legs” or whatever) were breasts. Everything else was all “throbbing member” and “the juncture of my thighs” and “the place where he was both velvety and hard, what a titillating combo” and “my warm and wet place.” ZEE OH EMM GEE. Here, look what you can do in print without the world exploding, ready? Penis. Vagina. Clitoris. WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHAT WILL HAPPEN? Nothing, is what. I’m not saying porn would be hotter with “he then inserted his penis into my vagina” – that sounds a little too much like a sexual how-to pamphlet in hell – but it’s amazing to me that you can make it through an entire 514-page book riding on a boat made of euphemism. They’re just words. I mean, you had these people whipping and chaining and such, and you’re quailing at the use of “vagina?” Please. 

Britishisms 

Yep, this about sums it up.

Ana made a big deal about being country mouse and never having left the continental United States. Christian was well-traveled, but grew up and lived (as did Ana) in Seattle. However, for some reason, the two of them said things – constantly – like “have a tidy-up” and “well-remembered, you” and “well played.” Hmm. Why would Seattle denizens speak thus? OH. BECAUSE THE AUTHOR IS BRITISH. I really got the feeling the closest she’d ever been to MERKA was to watch a couple episodes of Dallas one time. If that. Maybe.

GIGANTIC THESAURUS WORDS 

No one thought: they pondered. No one was interested: they were titillated. No one was wordy: they were verbose. No one was moody: they were sullen. This woman never met a three-dollar word she didn’t just love, she rode until it was all up in a lather and then she, for good measure, beat it into the ground while cackling like a crazy. Oh, sorry, like a banshee. Or an utter lunatic. Or an institutionalized harpy. I KNOW BIG WORDS TOO. And I know there’s a time to use them. It’s not always in your bad porn. We still know it’s bad porn, lady. 

“inner goddess”/inner monologue 

Mine likes to wear pajamas and loaf. A lot of loafing.

Listen, Ana was annoying. The MOST annoying. The whole book, unfortunately, was from her point of view. We constantly had to listen to her inner monologue. And at least once on a page, you had to hear what her “inner goddess” was thinking. “My inner goddess was doing cartwheels.” “My inner goddess was hiding behind the couch.” “My inner goddess was doing a sultry samba.” WHO TALKS LIKE THIS. I don’t have an inner goddess. If I did, you’d get “Amy’s inner goddess is eating Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food out of the container on a couch covered in cat hair while watching Celebrity Rehab.” 

I think everyone was schizophrenic 

Yes, I realize Jack wasn’t a schizophrenic in this movie, but I love this picture so much. Let me have it. I just read a really awful book for you. Thanks.

I know. People are unpredictable and wild! That’s nice. It is. Thing is? People aren’t. Not really. Sure, people do things that are out of character. But these things usually point toward something being wrong with them. How many times has a friend of yours done something weird, and you’ve said to a mutual friend, “That’s unlike Frank/Francine. I hope everything’s ok with him/her.” Probably you have. I know I have. People are, for the most part, a predictable species. NOT IN THIS BOOK BUCKAROO. People say one thing and do another! People say they want to be beaten with a belt, then get mad at their boyfriend for actually going through with it! People say they don’t want a relationship and then two pages later say, “All I can think about is being in a relationship with you because I love you now!” I can’t take anything seriously when it’s this all over the board, I really can’t. 

Stilted writing of unnecessary scenes 

Pretty sure we’d find this in the author’s house. Only with glitter stickers on it. Of hearts and shit.

There were page-long descriptions of “I decided I might be hungry. But what might I be hungry for? Maybe an omelette. I don’t know. Was I in the mood for an omelette? My inner goddess wanted some fruit. I decided to make some pancakes. I didn’t know where the bowls were. I looked in the cabinets. I found the bowls. I put the bowls on the counter.” ZOMG IF I WANTED A BLOW-BY-BLOW I’D VIDEOTAPE ME MAKING DINNER. I don’t care. I don’t CARE! There’s an old rule of thumb – if it doesn’t further the story, you don’t need it. Apparently, E. L. James was too busy masturbating to thoughts of Edward Cullen to read any “how to write something that doesn’t suck” manuals. Sorry. Was that totally the grossest and all the TMI? Wait until I get to my next section. 

The sex isn’t at all sexy 

I’m fairly sure this isn’t the face I was supposed to be making when reading the sex scenes. Yet it was pretty much my reaction.

There’s a lot of sex. Don’t get me wrong. A LOT OF IT. Like, every few pages, someone’s getting a throbbing member thrust into a wet and warm place. But it’s not sexy. From the time Ana loses her virginity (the pain of which? “a slight pinch” – um, ok, good for you, darling, not how I remember it, but fine) to the most DISTURBING TAMPON SCENE YOU CAN EVEN IMAGINE (I’m not even going to go into it, but watch this totally amusing fake YouTube book trailer if you want a hint, a gross, gross hint) to the BDSM scenes, which I suppose would be sexy, if I didn’t hate both Ana and Christian so much I wanted him to accidentally choke her out, have to bury her in the backyard, and then get caught and locked up for life, you get all the non-sexy sex you could desire. With a lot of “my inner goddess swooned” interspersed. Oh, and she never has an orgasm. Instead, she “shatters into a million pieces and slowly puts herself back together.” EVERY DAMN TIME. That’s another word the author is afraid of. Orgasm. ORGASM IS A DIRTY WORD YOU GUYS. Nipple clamps and fisting are on the table (heh, on the table) but not orgasm. (I just checked, and yes, she does say it once and a while. I apologize. Not OFTEN, but apparently it’s not the naughty word that penis is. My fault. So sorry.) 

Also, there was a lot of “he pulled at my nipples until they elongated.” As in, more than once. In multiple sex scenes. Um. OUCH OUCH OUCH. THAT’S NOT WHAT THEY’RE FOR. They are not Silly Putty. You cannot transfer the comics onto them. THERE ARE NERVE ENDINGS IN THERE. 

I wanted to punch every single character in the neck three times a page 

Ana was a useless waste of space who went into the relationship expecting this guy to change even though he told her exactly what he was looking for (granted, he acted like a schizophrenic with the changing of his mind, so maybe that’s why she was fooled.) She also fell down a lot and ran into things and almost got hit by a bike. Christian was a control freak who was sexually abused as a teenager and most likely abused as a child (that was hinted at but not explained. YET.) Ana’s mom talked like a pre-teen. Ana’s friends were either controlling bitches or would-be rapists. And that’s pretty much everyone in the entire book. There’s no one to root for. NO ONE. 

No one talks like this, NO ONE 

…and here’s another reference book she used. Used WRONG.

People say things like “WHOO all this UST in the room!” and then I have to look up what “UST” is and it’s unresolved sexual tension. WHO THE HELL TALKS LIKE THIS NO ONE NO ONE. Or, how about Christian’s brother’s term of endearment and goodbye to his girlfriend, which Ana and Christian adopt as their own: “Laters, baby.” LATERS, BABY? Oh, no. Oh, my, no. Also, there’s a lot of “I bit my lip” and then Christian goes BATSHIT CRAZY all “Don’t DO that, you KNOW how that affects me, I WANT TO BE THE ONE BITING YOUR LIP.” What the actual hell? And the title? The title of this post? Direct quote from the book. THAT IS SOMETHING ANA SAYS TO HERSELF DURING SEX. You know, because when you’re in the middle of all the sex, you think of a sentence as clunky as that. Or, OR, when Ana and her overbearing roommate and BFF (why? who knows, Ana’s a douchenozzle) were talking about how Ana lost her flower to Christian: “Kate looks wistful. ‘Yeah, took almost a year to have my first orgasm through penetrative sex, and here you are…first time?’”If my BFF said “penetrative sex” to me, I think I would throw something at him, possibly the television remote, and then laugh until I had a choking fit. Who says “penetrative sex” in a casual conversation? That’s the kind of thing someone says in a safe-sex talk at the local Planned Parenthood, or something. Not two BFFs sitting around shooting the shit. I feel like this author was raised by wolves. Wolves with nothing to read but thesauruses. 

THERE ARE TWO MORE OF THESE 

Why. Why. WHY.

The book ended on a CLIFFHANGER ZOMG (let’s be honest, I didn’t give a shit) and there are TWO MORE OF THEM. Fifty Shades of Greyer and Fifty Shades of Suck My Soul Out Through my Nose if I Have To Read Any More of This Shit. NO THOSE AREN’T THE REAL TITLES. Am I going to read them? No. No I’m not. Life’s too short. I assume, with no prior knowledge, that most likely Ana and Christian end up happily ever after, with her accepting his lifestyle as her own, with some modifications, or something like that. It’s not like this woman can write or come up with anything original. OOH! Maybe someone has a magic sparkle baby like in Twilight! That’d make me want to read more!* (*no it wouldn’t) 

Now, listen. I’m not completely against this book, for two reasons. Two. And only two. And to show you that I can be UNBIASED, I will share them with you. 

The power of viral marketing 

This woman published these with a tiny e-pub house in Australia, and with the power of viral marketing and word-of-mouth, they’re topping the bestseller lists. That makes me want to vomit until I’m sore, but that’s not the point. The point is, whoever’s marketing her books is doing one hell of a job. Or just people talking did this, I don’t know. Whoever it is, or a combination of both? Kudos. These terribly written pieces of trash are the it thing. Undeservedly so, but they are. And that’s impressive. Now let’s use our powers for good and get some GOOD books on the bestseller list, what do you say? 

Getting women to talk about sex more openly 

I know I was all ew ew ew earlier about the ladies in my lunchroom (and I’m still ew ew ew, that hasn’t changed) but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with women feeling like they can openly discuss sex. If this terrible book makes them feel like they can do that? Well, fine, then it has served one purpose, and now we can use it to prop up the short leg on the coffee table. Seriously, sex isn’t dirty. There’s a time and a place for it (and if you’re a stranger and you think we’re going to talk about it on Twitter, hit the road, I’M TALKING TO YOU DING DONG JOE) but sure, it’s not something women should be ashamed of talking about. Men talk about it all the time. Women should feel free to do so, as well. So, yeah. Just – there are better books, sexier books, that you can read. You know that, right? OK, good. Just checking. Go read those. Because I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to slip into a sexy frame of mind when the writing is so bad in a book it makes me laugh until I’m crying, you know? 

Goodreads really needs an option for .00001 stars, because giving this one star really didn’t give me the satisfaction I wanted. 

For additional awesome, please to visit this Tumblr, which has provided me with hours of entertainment.  

My inner goddess is hungry now and I think I need a sandwich or maybe some wasabi peas. Laters, baby.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

85 responses to ““Truly, I am a marionette and he is a master puppeteer.”

  • Cara V. (@fictionalchick)

    “Amy’s inner goddess is eating Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food out of the container on a couch covered in cat hair while watching Celebrity Rehab.” OMG… this was pure gold… I’m glad I’m standing firm in not reading this… I have Cinemax… it’s all good.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Hee! Thanks! She totally is. And now she’s going to eat some chocolate and laze herself over to rehearsal. She’s a slow-mover, my inner goddess. Energetic sex is beyond her.

      Like

  • sj

    Honestly, I read these because Mandy wanted me to TT them, but I’VE ALREADY FORGOTTEN ALL THE SIGNIFICANT “PLOT POINTS” and there’s no way I can actually write about them now.

    Unless it’s ridiculous.

    I won’t tell you what happened in the next two books (unless you want me to), but it gets even more ridiculous. MORE RIDICULOUS, can you believe that ish? Srsly.

    So bad. So not even sexy at all, and I have so many fb friends that are all about these books right now and I can’t even understand.

    My friend Mo was all “I hated Twilight, why would I want to read bad Twilight fanfic?” Really, all they did was do a search and replace on the names, I’m pretty sure. AND HER HUSBAND WAS HER EDITOR, I don’t think he knew what he was doing.

    Also, MOVIE, THERE’S GOING TO BE A MOVIE!!!!

    Like

  • blogginglily

    thank you for your penetrative review. This is not literature I would typically find myself reading. . . and so your review helped solidify that. Truly I am your book reading marionette and you are a review writing master puppeteer.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Heh, penetrative.

      Oh, don’t read it. And if your wife ever asks you about it…tell her, no need, honey, here, read this instead! and point her here. She’s too good for this book. I don’t even KNOW her and I know she is.

      I AM THE PUPPETEER.

      Like

  • zippy219

    I pretty much snorted pizza when I got to the “aaagh” part. I’m not a fan of erotica mainly because the euphamisms are so ridiculous; I would totally run away from a guy if he referred to his penis as his throbbing member. I’ll just stick with regular old porn, thank you very much.

    As usual, delightfuly entertaining lunch time reading, Amy! Thank you.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Thank you! Yeah, seriously, “argh.” I even told my DAD about the argh. He laughed until he choked and then said, “That was funny, but let’s not talk about porn.”

      Can you even imagine if a guy said “throbbing member?” I’d have to leave the room. I’d be laughing so hard there would be tears. It would be unpretty.

      Like

  • Jericha Senyak (@JerichaSenyak)

    THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING REVIEW OF 50 SHADES OF STUPID EVER WRITTEN. I laughed so hard I almost peed myself. I am sharing this EVERYWHERE.

    Like

  • elaine4queen

    i will admit that i was already not going to read this book, and now i am still not going to to the power of 10.

    that business about the inner goddess has freaked me out the most. i mean, if i was going to read sadie masie porn, i would not expect the self help squad to arrive in the middle of it.

    AND MOST DAMNINGLY all the language. the big words = bad, and the horror of writing the wrong slang = i can’t even.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I kept thinking of you, because you’d be able to pick out the British slang immediately, obviously. I mean, if I could pick it out, of course you could. A friend read more of the series and said the British slang gets worse. I think it was sj. sj, was that you? I think it was. She said that she’d have to look up these obscure words and she’d find out they were currently unused British slang. Being used by Seattleites. One of whom had never been out of the continental US.

      Yeah, that happens a lot. *eyeroll*

      Like

      • sj

        Hee, yes – it was me. THANK GOODNESS I read them on the reader so I could just double-tap on a word I didn’t know and it would show up with the definition. MOST of the time, they ended up being obscure British colloquialisms.

        I was all “WTF, WHY ARE THEY TALKING LIKE THIS?!”

        Like

      • sj

        Erm, not that I’m stupid and have to use the dictionary all the time, but sometimes words would seem out of context, so I would click to make sure I actually knew the definition.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          You are NOT stupid. The use of obscure British slang by MERKANS who have no reason to use it is.

          Like

          • elaine4queen

            i know that anglophiles do like our slang, but clearly if you were putting it in an american book that would be the marker of a particular character or characters who had either been to the uk or were into british films or tv, and they would reference these things.
            i might notice them less because they mightn’t stick out for me, but from what you say i would certainly notice that the book was CRAP.

            Like

            • lucysfootball

              Oh, I’d think anyone would notice the book was crap. I have to wonder if the people who are reading it and love it know it’s crap, or if they just think, “SO MUCH HOT SEX!” and they don’t care? Or if they (ugh) really think it’s good? Oh, please don’t let it be the latter, oh please don’t.

              Like

  • Aleks (@yeksovic)

    Oh Amy, thanks for sacrificing yourself and reading this for us. I thought about asking you whether you were going to review it when I saw it on your Goodreads, but thought: No, that’s stupid, don’t molest her.
    Now my curiosity is satisfied and I don’t have to read that shit which (I’m sure of it) is going to be a bestseller in Germany, too. My inner goddess is going to wash the dishes now. Bye.

    Like

  • surroundedbyimbeciles

    This book is just an excuse for people to pretend like they are being “bad” without really being “bad”. Instead of wasting their time on fan/fic, they should be discussing their true desires with their significant others. Stop being scared! Try something new. If it doesn’t go well, then you don’t have to do it again.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Agreed! 100%! Sex is not naughty! It is fun and awesome and shouldn’t be scary! Have a good time, just don’t hurt anyone! And don’t read this book! This has been a public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood Lucy!

      Like

  • miskadoodlewrites

    Oh thank you so much for this. Every time I read an honest review of that book, I feel more and more vindicated for my decision to stay far, far away from it. I kind of want to cry knowing there’s probably going to be a movie, because that means talk of this stupid, stupid book isn’t going away anytime soon, even though I wasted my recent birthday wish on its retreat to some obscure place where I don’t have to hear about it every other day. Because EVERY woman I know has mentioned it to me (Mel, you need to read this book!) and the minute I hear Fifty Shades of Grey I want to stab myself in the eye. My friends, my coworkers (praise Jesus they’re my age and not older ladies like yours), customers where I work. My HAIRDRESSER asked me if I’d read it. And I sometimes like to read bad fiction for the laughs, but knowing where this originated from, I can’t give this woman my money. I’m not a Stephanie Meyer fan, but no author deserves to watch someone else take their characters, change the names, and profit off of it, even if the plot itself (plot. HAH.) is different. Reading the first twenty pages on amazong was bad enough. My only solace is reading hilarious reviews like yours. Or a support group of some kind to weather this…this…Fifty Shades brain sucking takeover of our loved ones.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I got it from the library so I didn’t put any money in her pocket. Well, taxpayer dollars, I guess. But the money was already spent, so oh, well.

      Those women at work told me I needed to read it, too. Why? Why would you think I need to read this? That’s insane, of course I don’t. That’s just saying I would like garbage. Do you think I would like garbage, ladies at work? Do you really? Thanks a lot.

      I’m glad you liked it. I’m willing to take one for the team, every now and again. Oh, who am I kidding. If it’d make a funny blog post, I’d skydive naked, most likely. I’m pretty shameless.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    What’s a Charlie horse? *wikipediaing* Oh. Leg cramp. Yeah, that’s really annoying. Or would be. Obviously.

    Like

  • lahikmajoe

    Now my Inner Goddess wants a sandwich. Thanks for awakening my Inner Goddess.

    Would it surprise you to hear Ding Dong Joe has been paracticing saying all these things while he *polishes the banister*? He’d like to prove you wrong. I just heard him say ‘Argh!’ this very afternoon.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’m not surprised Ding Dong Joe is doing it wrong. That’s just like him.

      “Polishing the banister.” I laughed. A lot.

      You don’t HAVE an Inner Goddess. You’re a BOY. (You have to say that in my nephew’s little voice, it’s adorable.) You have an Inner God, I think. Or maybe an Inner Caveman, if you like that better, I don’t care.

      Like

  • 35JupiterDrive

    I don’t think I have an inner goddess and if I did, she wouldn’t be trying to figure out bad porn. I do have an inner pirate and she does not want to read anything that references throbbing members. Even if it’s toes that something heavy landed no. No. No. No. Basically: arrrgggghhh. (MY inner pirate has no interest in badly written straight sex. Argh!!!

    You did make me laugh though. Really a lot. And my inner pirate chortled. (Yes! I too, can use large words when smaller ones would do!)

    Also, I hate to be the bearer of this sort of news, but I think you may be one of the most well-adjusted people on the planet. How did you manage that?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Well-adjusted? Hee! How so? Thank you? I think? I’m pretty skewed, overall, but it’s nice that I can pass for normal. :)

      I’m glad you liked it. I will do ANYTHING for my readers. ANYTHING. Except clowns or monkeys. Listen, a girl’s gotta have limits.

      Like

      • Em

        Trust me, when people have had their minds on your bedroom for your entire adult life, you really appreciate someone who doesn’t care what other people are doing. Also, when you write, it’s comforting to know someone is actually paying attention to whether people are writing well. So well-adjusted. In a skewed way. That’s the best well-adjusted there is.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          Oh, well, that, sure. It’s none of my business what anyone does in their bedroom. It’s not like they’re trying to come into my bedroom, sheesh. Who cares? I’ll never understand that.

          I’ll take skewed well-adjusted. Sounds good to me. :)

          Like

  • Samantha

    Man…this half makes me never want to read this book and half make me even more morbidly curious. Although “ARGH” made me laugh hysterically. It’s like this woman has never stepped outside of her little corner she writes (badly) in. :(

    Like

  • ProfMomEsq

    As soon as a particular group of my FB peeps started swooning over this book, I *knew* there was no way in Hell I would read it. Thank you for reinforcing the legitimacy of that decision.

    Still, my inner goddess really wants to have sexy time with the Hubs tonight just so she can say, “Argh!” in the middle of it and watch what happens. I predict ejection. No, that’s not a typo.

    Like

  • Heather

    Best. Review. Ever. I commend you for reading this–I refuse. Your post made me *snort* more than once, though. Haha!

    Like

  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    Argh sounds like a safety word (not that I need one of those.) If I had an inner goddess (who knows, maybe I do–there are a LOT of voices in there) she would be rolling her eyes and trying to avoid the slavering fans. The book came up at girl’s dinner and the consensus was that I wouldn’t like it because of the submissiveness aspect of it, but if it is role playing, why would I care? No, the reviews that say “Poorly Written” are enough for me. Thank you for taking one for the team, so I don’t have to!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh, no, they HAD safe words. “Red” and “Yellow,” I think. They never used them, though. The sex was JUST THAT GOOD. Ick ew gross.

      Yeah, agreed – the submissiveness made me ew, but it’s not my thing. It might be someone else’s, and who am I to tell them that’s wrong? I really don’t have an issue with what people do in their bedrooms as long as it’s not hurting anyone. It’s none of my business at all.

      Bad writing, though. That’s in my eyeholes? That’s totally my business. :)

      Like

  • Nicolle

    I have to agree. Best review I have EVER read. The whole “Argh” moment really did it. I can’t stop laughing. Just imagining someone saying (or maybe uttering?) that during sex is hilarious.

    The other day, I actually downloaded the sample to my Kindle (it doesn’t include any of those “titillating” sex scenes you mention), and I couldn’t get passed the fact that the writing was so horrible. And to think people actually LOVE these books. I wouldn’t be able to focus because of the writing style (or lack thereof). Every sentence, I would want to throw the book at the wall (and I really don’t want to do that to my Kindle).

    I honestly think it’s gotten to the point where people are just talking about it, because it’s the “cool” thing to do right now.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’m so glad people liked this post. I was grinning like a moron all day yesterday.

      Why does this have to be the cool thing to do? Someday, I want a GOOD book to be the cool thing to do, dammit.

      Like

  • Suzana

    your review reads like the conversation i had with my friend where we b* about how horridly (see i can be british/fake american too) the book(s) (she had read all 3 while i had just finished the 1st) are written. Being a fellow Whedon-ite just cemented the fact that my Inner Crazy wants to be friends with your Inner Goddess but a blog/twitter follow will have to do =-)

    Like

  • dbgram

    Can I just please tell you that I made the mistake of taking a ‘quick five minutes’ to quietly read this blog post during work? Boy, what a mistake. That quick five minutes turned into at least 20 minutes, and I had to work REALLY HARD to keep my snorting and laughing as silent as possible. I’m pretty sure my cubicle neighbors think I have some kind of virus now. And for the record, since we are all sharing which parts made us laugh the hardest, for me it was the made-up names of the sequels. I had to put my head down on my desk to stifle the noise.

    I’ve read just the first one of the series, and was trying to figure out what was wrong with me for not liking it so much, when the rest of the world apparently thinks it’s one of the greatest books ever written! I’m convinced all the hype is the result of some very elaborate and brilliant marketing strategies, and probably lots of money.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Yay! Hi! Welcome! I’m glad you liked it! :)

      My posts are never a quick 5 minutes. I’m chatty. Heh. Sorry!

      I KNOW! Smart people are reading these, what the hell? It’s very perplexing. It’s like they aren’t aware there is better-written erotica out there.

      Like

  • doesmybumlookbiginthis

    ‘Now, I am not a porn connoisseur.’ Hahahaha i literally lol’d, I’ve heard so much about this book but didn’t really know what it was about so thank you for clearing it up! I have a strong urge to read this book so i can randomly tweet you lines from it to remind you of the terribleness when you’re least expecting it :) xx

    Like

  • Kelly Naylor

    Wow. And… nope, that’s all I’ve got. Just… wow.

    Having read the first three (I think it was three) Twilight books because a coworker praised them so highly and insisted SO HARD that they were the most fantabulous books he’d ever read that he brought them to work and lent them to me, I was very nervous about reading your review of 50 Shades of Twilight Imitation. However, you have confirmed my suspicion that I would be doing the world a favor if I actually bought all the copies over at Borders and had bonfire party in the parking lot.

    Thank you for reading this book so I didn’t have to. (Hmmmm. I’d suggest that as a project for JD who “does stuff so you don’t have to,” but she’d probably hunt me down and hurt me next time I visited Chicago… so I won’t.)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Yeah, there’s no reason to read it, unless you want to just laugh at it. It’s just utter trash. No redeeming qualities whatsoever, and you can feel your IQ slipping with every page.

      Like

      • Kelly Naylor

        Oh, no, no! I need every one of my many IQ points to be able to deal with Evil DBA every day. Also, I think I need to become more…

        You know, I’m going to buy the book and leave it on his desk for him. Because evil should be fought with, um, well, absurdity? Yes. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!

        Like

  • capitationfavor

    Thank you for writing this review and confirming what I already knew, it’s trash.

    As an aside, I just wanted to tell that “argh” has become a running joke in our house, all of the sudden one of us will be like: “oh god, oh god, OH GOD, ARGH” and bust out laughing, thanks for that.

    Like

  • Danielle

    I’ve been debating whether to read this for a while now, having heard lots of things from lots of people. But it seems like it’s all or nothing: either they absolutely HATED it or they thought it was amazing.

    I read something not that long ago that said the one good thing to come out of it was that it was getting people to read, and I mean people who don’t normally read at all (maybe they’ll be interested in picking up some better stuff?)

    I read the Twilight series, thought it was alright but nothing to get crazy excited over, never saw any of the movies, and I think my animosity toward it grew as the movies came out (don’t care for Kristin Stewart or Robert Pattinson). So I think I still haven’t read 50 Shades because it started as Twilight fan-fic. And based on your post, I don’t think it’s something I will get around to any time soon (If at all).

    Thanks for your honest opinion! :)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      If you like good literature (and I think you do) I think this would grate on you. I think it’s just so terribly written. It makes Harlequin novels seem like high art, seriously.

      People always say that (that it’s getting people to read) about bad books, but I wonder if it’s really true – or if they’ll just find the next trashy novel to read…

      Like

      • Danielle

        I’m definitely one to highlight misspellings and punctuation and grammar issues when I’m reading, and I can’t believe editors and proofreaders miss that stuff! Oh jeez, if it makes Harlequins look like that…

        And you’re right about the getting people to read thing, It may not get them to pick up a better book

        Like

  • Angelina

    I loved this blog so much I linked it to my blog about the women who read 50 shades at the gym! So unsanitary! But I love your blog.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Ew, at the gym? Yuck!

      I work with a very in-your-face religious girl. I don’t mind religious people, just don’t be in my face about it, and judgey, you know? Very holier-than-thou. Constantly tutting when someone swears, and asking people to attend her church with her, saying, “I’ll pray for you” when you get angry, things like that. And it made me laugh that on her way out of work recently she was carrying 50 Shades. Cover-side in, so no one would see what it was…but I recognized the back of the book.

      I don’t think that book’s on Jesus’s approved reading list, Judgey McJudgerson.

      And, thank you! :)

      Like

  • lgalaviz

    My inner goddess was hiding behind the couch.”God… you are so right. inner goddess behind a couch? what the hell? You should get a potted plant or something. Or one of those fake trees.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      You would have hated her inner goddess. She did a lot of samba dancing. I bet she’d do the macarena, too, with just a little encouragement.

      Like

      • Kelly Naylor

        I used to do the macarena to embarrass my child, because it is the duty of every parent to embarrass their children. Though bursting into a rousing rendition of Over the Rainbow always did make her behave well when we were in public.

        My inner goddess does not hide anywhere. She is a warrior with a battle axe and a sword. She lops heads off, and laughs while doing so. I don’t believe my inner goddess dances. Oh… no, I take that back. There’s this thing called “The Dance of Daggers.” She does that. :-)

        Like

  • lgalaviz

    What the hell is it about girls all being breathy and needing to be rescued? Sure, you can be a psycho rich guy, or a vampire, and lure me in. But, can’t we just cut out the mind games and go out for a burger later? I don’t go for that shit.

    Unless you let me drive your car without caring if I hit anything. I might actually hit some things.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      The “girl needing to be rescued” thing is the new it thing, apparently. It makes me disgusted. Mostly because I don’t need to be rescued. I rescue myself just fine. I guess that’s why I’m unmarried. I should probably find some quicksand and throw myself into it, and wait for rescue. THAT’S how you find a man! Good plan.

      Like

  • trixieaddams

    I think I love you. I have refused to read the books and any friend that mentions wanting to read them I point them to a few other places, and now I have this to point them to as well!

    Argh??? Seriously???

    Like

  • Why I Will Not Read Fifty Shades of Grey « One Writer's Blotter

    […] ambivalent reviews, but she’s as book nerdy as me, so I wasn’t surprised. I even saw scathing rants against it that I weighed given the credibility of the writer involved and where I’ve seen […]

    Like

  • Stephanie

    Now I really really want the Contemporary Dictionary of Sexual Euphemisms. Is that a real thing? I think I need it on my shelf.

    Like

  • becomingcliche

    How did I miss this post?

    I, too, am sad that a book like this is on the shelves at Target where kids can reach it, but better books can’t even find a publisher.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I don’t know! I think it was early on in my introduction to your most glorious gang?

      Most heartily agreed. I know people say “well, at least people are reading!” but would they be saying that if people were reading…I don’t know, hate literature? Kiddie porn? There are levels of literature, and I don’t know if it’s better people are reading at all if that’s what they choose to read. It’s not like it’s a gateway drug to them reading “War and Peace” or something.

      Like

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