My friend the dictionary is a very reliable friend.

Here we are, Tuesday! Lots going on this week. We have a show opening next week, so I have lots of rehearsal this week and next week in preparation for that (it’s a quick show, so rehearsals aren’t too long or painful – we’re actually having a lot of fun, no worries) and I’m doing this and that and the other and reading a lot of books and hanging out with Dumbcat and I have some shopping to do for GIFT PRIZE MAILING and whoo! I’m like a busy bee. Bzz, bzz, bzz.

Summer seems to be here, too. It’s all hot and sticky and humid-y and my hair’s all sticking up like a looney already. I know summer supposedly doesn’t happen until late June but that’s lies. In my world it starts at the beginning of June, when things start to get icky. I’d take two springs instead of a summer any day.

So today, let’s talk about one of my favorite things in the world: typos.

Well, no. They’re not my FAVORITE things in the world. But when they’re egregiously awful, I get a total and complete kick out of them. So today, so you can have some enjoyment out of other people’s misfortune, let’s look at some of the worst typos I found on the world wide interwebs today. PLEASE TO USE A DICTIONARY. Thanks.

Huh. Quite a legacy, Mr. Johnson. QUITE a legacy.

It’s graduation time! Hey, students of the University of Texas, Austin, CONGRATULATIONS!

Oh, wait, here, did you get a program?

Oh, ok, good, glad you…wait…um…WHERE did I graduate from? WOW. If I’d have known, I would have probably taken a different route to getting my diploma.

(Seriously, this made me giggle, because, as mentioned, sense of humor of a 5-year-old-boy. PUBIC! When I was a kid we used to erase the “L” in “public” on the Public Library flyers and then laugh and laugh. If this was my graduation flyer odds are good I’d have laughed like a moron all through the ceremony.)

Well! So I’ve been spelling it wrong all these years? I feel idiotic.

So for some reason I’m not quite sure of, Mitt Romney put out an iPhone app? I don’t know, either. Apparently you can photograph yourself with Mitt in a variety of Mitt-related situations. Well, if I wanted to photograph myself being BORING, I’d just take a picture of myself blogging on my couch right now OH BURN. Wait, who got burned, me or Mitt? Both. I think both.

So anyway, in his iPhone app, there was a typo. I mean, these things happen. But this is…well, kind of egregious:

Oh. OH. Amercia! Amercia! God shed his grace on THEEEEEEEE!

I know, I know, THESE THINGS HAPPEN. Dude’s people spelled the name of the country he wants to run wrong. I don’t think that bodes well.

Also, since the app was that you could take your photo with any of the templates, people started doing things like this:




There’s better timing than when you’re running against a very intelligent incumbent for president to do something idiotic like this.

I wasn’t aware that the Romney camp was having such major spelling issues, but then yesterday I read this article over on Sprocket Ink and apparently, someone over in Romneyville really doesn’t understand how spell check works. This is a total worry. I don’t want to be living in Amercia come November, you guys. I like MERKA just the way it is. Well, mostly. MOSTLY I do.

It’s ok. Sh’cool.

So a few months ago in New York City, they painted a school crossing. So that kids wouldn’t get hit by cars. That’s good. We like not-dead kiddos. Also, New York City schoolchildren make me smile. Always. They always seem to have it all together, always.

So once the workmen were done and doing…well…whatever it is workmen do when they’re done, some loudmouth complainer was all, “Um, guys? Maybe…we might want to…repaint this?”

Heh. Shcool. It sounds like a slurry version of school. Or slang for “it’s cool.” “No, no, Bobby, no worries. Sh’cool. I can ditch math class to smoke weed behind the bleachers today. Bring your hackeysack, yo.”

Well, JFK had ’em, I guess there’s precedent

Apparently this happened on MSNBC lately. Aw. Poor Norah O’Donnell. I’m sure she was trying to keep her side-job on the downlow.

I guess she should just be grateful they got her skin color correct.

(Also, this chick totally stole my mom’s hairstyle.)

My dad SAYS weird shit goes down in California. Apparently so.

Listen, we would NEVER put up with stuff like this in New York. We have more DECORUM here. More CLASS.

Probably it was the fire that did it. Some people get SO EXCITED about fire. No joke. I see that on Law & Order and those types of shows ALL THE TIME. People who get all excited about fire. Apparently they all live in California. Who knew?

Aw, NO toad is a through toad, that would just leave you with a damaged toad.

Hee! Love. No, I would imagine it’s not a through toad. You should probably go around the toad.

And…because there’s nothing better than getting something PERMANENTLY WRITTEN ON YOUR BODY SPELLED WRONG

And also anyone who sees this tattoo. They will also juge you.

This made me laugh so hard I snorted. I feel like this person lost a bet. What’s worse, the awesome typo (say the word “poporn” fast, it sounds great in your mouth) or the fact that he has this thing tattooed on him? I mean, I assume it’s a him. I can’t imagine a female did this to herself.

ZOMG this is the PERFECT tattoo for me! Perfect perfect. I LOVE THEATER. Oh, wait, it’s heinously ugly bordering on frightening and also TRADGEY.

Hee! “tradgey.” What a tradgey.

Yes! DOWN WITH THE MAN! SUBVERT THE SYSTSEM! Wait, what? How many “s”s are in that, anyway? Like, 47,000? 

Also, REALLY? You thought this was a good thing to get tattooed on yourself somewhere? Oh, that’s just embarrassing. I can’t imagine that you’re going to want this in like three weeks, let alone ten years. “systsem.” Heh.

Oh, no. Oh, no no no. Also, this is her TRAMP STAMP. Like, this is going to be there FOREVER now. Wait, what if this is really her nickname? Not sweet pea but sweet pee? I don’t want to know. I DON’T WANT TO KNOW I SAID.

I’m SO jalous. I can’t even contain my jalousy. I think I might fly into a jalous rage, actually.

The tattoo artist signed this. Like he or she was PROUD OF THEIR WORK. Heh.

I have a typo story. Once, when I was young, my dad and I were coming back from a trip. And we drove past a person’s house. And they had one of those cutesy-cute “I named my HOUSE!” signs outside. It said the person’s name (which I won’t say – let’s call her Martha) and then Place. Martha’s Place. And like, butterflies or whatever.

My dad was all, “Huh. Martha’s Palace. That’s stuck-up of her, that place is like a trailer or something.” 

I said, “What? No, place, not palace.”


Then when it didn’t, he was all, “She came out and CHANGED HER SIGN while we were driving back here” and still says “This is like Martha’s Palace” to describe things that he’s misunderstood or gotten wrong.

There, there’s a story from my CHILDHOOD. Nice, right?

Happy Tuesday! Use your spellcheck!

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

32 responses to “My friend the dictionary is a very reliable friend.

  • sj

    I laughed SO HARD at this post.

    I think my favourite is the captioning on the tv. I snorted coffee through my nose. I should know better by now than to have a beverage while I’m reading your blog.


    • lucysfootball

      YAY! I’m so glad you liked it! :)

      I still love “Amercia.” I like that it makes our country sound all exotic and vaguely Spanish. “Amercia! Where you can get a sangria and possibly a happy endings massage! AMERCIA!”


  • blogginglily

    I refuse to use my spellcheck.

    There’s a guy down the block from me who has a big giant boat. . . like all fancy. The name of the boat is “Ain’t Nobodies Bizness”. It’s painted right across the back.

    Why in the hell would you pay . . . let’s say $60K for a boat, then hire a sign painter to fuck up the spelling of the name of your boat?

    Now I “GET” that Bizness is sorta kicky and cool. . . and “street”. And I even “GET” that ain’t is common slang and even makes sense in the boat name/saying. What I cannot fathom (that’s boat humor. . .fathom) is the fact that the boat owner clearly has no idea that nobody’s and nobodies are two different things. Or is the owner saying that nobodies have no bizness knowing. . . um. . . stuff about his bizness. I’m grasping here.

    So how DID this boob get his own boat? Ain’t nobodies bizness.


    • lucysfootball

      Wait, you really don’t use your spellcheck? Even I use my spellcheck, and I’m a very good speller. Wow, you’re a total rebel, Jim. A rebel without a cause. Unless avoiding spellcheck is a cause. In which case, you’re all kinds of causey.

      No, it’s totally nobodies bizness. That’s terrible. I wonder if he even knows it’s wrong? Probably not. Possessives confuse people a lot.


      • blogginglily

        I have a friend that writes almost ALL ‘ess plurals’ with an apostrophe. “Hey Jim we were going downtown to see the Pirate’s play. Do you want to meet us at the stadium? We’re taking two car’s.” That sort of thing. He’s an awesome human being, to the point where I, even I, cannot criticize his possessives. He’s just too easy a mark, and too good a soul. Like beating up the Dalai Llama or something. Sure. . . I could take him. . . but I’d just feel bad about it the whole time.

        I DO use spell check inasmuch as when the word gets underlined I change it. BUT. . . sometimes I don’t notice, and I almost never go back and check the entire document’s spelling after the fact (except at Sprocket, where I’m writing for THEM, not me). It’s not because I’m rebelling against spell check. It’s because I’m too lazy.


        • lucysfootball

          Gah, I HATE the ess plural thing! HATE! But you know what? It’s never going to stop. People are SURE that’s right. Just sure of it. Who taught these people this?

          I spellcheck almost everything, but it’s difficult in my own writing. You can see why it would be, right? I make up words left and right. So spellcheck gets in a tizzy and is all, “I’m SURE YOU DIDN’T MEAN DOUCHECANOE! HA HA!” and I usually give up a page or two in. It just takes too long.


          • blogginglily

            whenever I make up words I add them to my spellchecker. Douchecanoe is ALWAYS spelled right.


            • lucysfootball

              I should do that but I get lazy and just say, “skip skip skip” when it gets to them. I should start adding, though. It would cut down on spellcheck time considerably, wouldn’t it?


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I laughed out loud as well and scared Lydia the dog! I especially liked the “A better Amercia” ones! Hilarious!

    (And I know I’m no one to talk, having Typos as a topic on Klout, but still..)


    • lucysfootball

      YAY! I’m so glad! You made my day with the lemur video (as well as my friend C.’s day, she LOVES lemurs!) so I’m glad I could make you laugh! (But sorry, adorable Lydia!)

      You have an excuse. English isn’t your first language. For someone with English as a second language (or third or fourth or whatever language it is for you, because you are FANCY!) you make just about NO typos.


  • Rich Crete

    Dammit! What happened to my comment? If this turns into another of your mysterious double comments, I blame wordpress….it’s never my fault.
    We were following a super-sized pick-em-up truck the other day with the following painted in fancy script on the tailgate:
    “Racing this truck is like playing the lottery. Your going to loose.”
    I guess goof were on a 2 for 1 sale.
    I’m surprised the stamp de tramp didn’t say “Sweat Pee”.


    • lucysfootball

      Oh, I hate lose/loose. So, so much. Almost as much as you’re/your.

      What’s with Florida and gigantor trucks, by the way? We saw a ton when we were on vacation. Is that a thing down there?

      I never got the first comment. Huh. What’s going on with my comments lately, I wonder?


  • anirrationalratio

    Maybe “Sweet Pee” has diabetes! That’s where the medical term Diabetes mellitus comes from, that the person’s urine was sweet tasting. (Doctors used to do some weird things. Yep.)


  • ProfMomEsq

    So much laughing, the people in this coffee joint are staring. Do you know how hard it is to look *strange* in a coffee joint?

    Yeah, your dad is right. California is full of the weirdos. Every time I go back home to see the family, they always tell me how California is ruining this country. Apparently, they saw that news clip about the fiery ejaculators. I now lose every argument, forever.

    For fun, I looked up “juge.” I had to type the word about 40 times before Autocorrect stopped changing it to “huge.” Too bad there’s not Autocorrect for tattoo artists. I mean, that would rob us of some hilarity, but it would take Damn You Autocorrect to a WHOLE new level. (Imagine: “Only God will huge me.”) Anyway, apparently, if dude’s friends speak Middle English or Old French, they’ll totally get that tattoo. Hey, I’m nothing if not optimistic.

    Ok. I’m through toad. I gotta go fuck the systsem and take a sweet pee so I don’t ejaculate in the middle of the road. It’s hard to be a white ho in Amercia. Don’t juge me. I know you’re jalous, but it’s sh’cool.


  • davidjfuller

    Juge not, lest ye be juged yourself, moran.


  • Anna Pope

    The Indian restaurant down the street from my work has a van advertising “Dinning and Cattering.” I’ve never had the nerve to bring it up (they’ve had the van at least 10 years) but it makes me smile.


  • Heather

    There’s a whole book about typos found on signs around thecountry, called THE GREAT TYPO HUNT. Two guys drove all over the place and found typos and (I think) tried to correct them or have the owners of the signs correct them. I say “I think” because I’m always behind on reading Jew books and I haven’t gotten to this one yet. I love laughing at typos. This post is great.


  • Heather

    Speaking of typos — JEW BOOKS?

    New books. New. I have no idea if either of the authors are Jewish, and even if they were, I wouldn’t call it a Jew book. What the hell, phone.

    I’m laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes.


    • lucysfootball

      ZOMG Jew books. You’re so multicultural, Heather. You really should be better about reading Jew books because how will you be up on what everyone’s talking about?

      Seriously having a fit of the giggles over here. Your phone cracks me up.


  • Samantha

    Ohhh typos. When I saw Mitt Romney’s app typo and how they left it for a few days I was facepalming like mad. Seriously? It’s like when John McCain picked Sarah Palin for VP running mate. Take gun. Aim at foot. Shoot. :)


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