I don’t go to the movies. No, seriously. I really don’t. I used to, in college. We used to go to the movies probably once or twice a week. We’d get to the point where we’d seen everything that was playing and knew what would be released on Fridays and we’d make plans for midnight showings and such. Sometimes we were poor so we’d totally sneak into MULTIPLE movies like BADGUYS. I know. Rude. Totally the rudest. Now I go to maybe one movie a year. Possibly two, but only in extreme circumstances, like potentially at gunpoint.
Mostly that’s because I’m poor, and it seems like a colossal waste of money. If I’m patient, I can wait and see the movie for free in my own living room, and in my living room, I don’t have to deal with talky-talk fellow patrons, or people kicking my chair or texting with their super-bright phone in the dark, and I can also pause it if I need to pee, and I don’t need to sneak in snacks because the snack bar (aka “my kitchen”) is in sight of my television. Because my place is very, very small.
For example: a couple weekends ago, I watched Super 8, which is about a year old at this point. When it came out, everyone was all ZOMG AMY! You have to see this! It is amazing! You loved Lost and this is a JJ Abrams movie! Also, aliens! SO EFFING GOOD! And yeah, I did want to see it, but again, poor, and I knew that if I was patient and avoided spoilers, I could watch it when it came out on DVD. (Oh, I get to see them for free because I get them from the library rather than from the video store. Because I’m super-cheap and I love the library. It’s a whole thing.) Oh, and a note on spoilers – if you wait to watch a movie a year after it comes out, and you’re close-to-middle-aged, you’ve forgotten most of the spoilers, so that’s the one time your not-so-shiny-and-new brain totally comes in handy for you.
So I watched Super 8 in my living room with my cat and here are my thoughts: meh. I mean, whatever, it wasn’t terrible, the acting was fine, but the plot seemed like something I’d seen a million times before and also it was a dark movie. Not dark in the “SO TWISTED!” way, but dark in the “why’s this taking place in a basement with a broken overhead fixture?” way. I hate those movies. I can’t see what’s going on. I might as well have my TV off and be listening to a book on tape for as much good as it’s doing me, to be honest, because I CAN’T SEE ANYTHING. And it’s frustrating, because you know you SHOULD be able to see what’s happening on the screen, but IT’S TOO EFFING DARK.
Think how angry I’d have been if I’d paid movie-theater prices to see that! It’s a good thing it was free.
There are a lot of movies that have either recently come out this year or are going to come out this year that people are very, very excited about. I feel like an archaeologist or maybe an alien when people talk about movies, because I just don’t get excited about them the way most people do, so it’s like I’m observing you all like I’m a new visitor to your planet.
So let’s discuss the movies everyone’s talking about, most of which I have very little prior knowledge about, and see if any of them might get me out of my house to see a movie this year. YES, I actually did see one movie this year: a friend came to visit and we went to see a movie I’ve already forgotten the name of but it had Adam Scott in it and he was adorable. (FINE, I looked it up. It was Friends with Kids. It was good, I liked it just fine.)
Movies that have already come out and I think have left the theaters so I guess I’ll have to see them on DVD
Yes, I know. I’m the only person in the world who hasn’t seen this. (I also never saw Avatar because it didn’t seem up my alley at all, and also haven’t seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies. You can mock, I don’t care.) I think I’d like this. I like superhero shit. And I sure do enjoy Robert Downey Jr. in just about anything, but as Tony Stark? Well, yes, please. And, Joss Whedon directed it, so that’s a total win for me. But seeing it in the movie theater just didn’t happen, and I suppose I’ll watch it on DVD eventually.
The Hunger Games
I know, I’m probably a bad book nerd that I really liked these novels, but I did. So I was really excited about the movie. Then I kind of forgot about it once it was released. Most of the people I knew that watched it really liked it, if I remember correctly. I’m already on the waiting list at the library, if that counts. I was going to go but I was going to wait a few weeks so the squealing tweens didn’t injure my eardrums with their squealery and then I got busy with something. Probably blogging.
Jeff Who Lives at Home
I saw a trailer for this before the ONE movie I saw this year and it looked fun and touching and good and indie, which I love, but then I forgot to go and see it once it came out. I really don’t even care about such things. I think my excitement meter for movies is broken, I really do. Do you think I used it all up in college because I saw too many of them? Anyway, when I was looking up what movies I should be excited about to write this, I saw this title and I was all, oh, man, I wanted to see that. Have it on reserve at the library now. Who knows when I’ll get it, not me.
A movie that is apparently out now but I haven’t seen any commercials, what the hell?
The interwebs says this came out in May. That can’t be right, can it? I haven’t seen any commercials or anything and Wes Anderson’s kind of a big deal. I mean, I know I’m not in the loop but I usually see something on Twitter when people start going to the movies. Anyway, I totally want to see this, because The Royal Tenenbaums is one of my top movies of all time and makes me cry and laugh and then cry some more. I think Wes Anderson has an amazing eye for taking the mundane and elevating it into spectacular beauty. But will I see it in the movie theater? No, probably not. Mostly because I don’t know that it’s even out, or if it is, why’s everyone being all secretive-like about it? Is this movie in the witness protection program?
Movies that are supposedly gigantic summer blockbusters that everyone’s all “ooh ooh ooh” about
Seriously, EVERYONE is so excited about this, just everyone. And I thought it was probably about THE Prometheus, and I was like, huh, there’s a movie about a Greek myth? Whatever, don’t care. Then I found out it was a Ridley Scott movie and it’s got something to do with Alien. Well, listen, I don’t HATE Alien, but I don’t care about it. It was an interesting movie. But I didn’t see any of the sequels and didn’t care that I didn’t. And I’m not much of a sci-fi person. I didn’t even care enough to look more into this to see what it might be about. I heard “Ridley Scott” and Alien and I was like, nah, not for me. Sorry, you can have my geek card back if you want it.
Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter
I know, you’d think I’d be all stoked about this, with my love of the supernatural and also history, so it’s like it totally pertains to my interests, but I saw a trailer recently, and it was so blah. And I think the book is a very stupid idea. I think it seems way too – I don’t know, jokey? I didn’t read it. Maybe it’s awesome. I just don’t care. I think it seems ill-advised. I have no interest in this at all.
YES. Now, listen. If there’s a single movie that gets me out of my home this summer, it’s going to be this one. It’s Pixar; it’s got a firey little redheaded heroine; it’s set in Scotland; and it looks AMAZING. The animation is gorgeous, the story sounds empowering, and I don’t know that I’ve ever seen anything Pixar has done and not finished it thinking the world is really an amazing and beautiful place. I watch a Pixar film and I’m 6 years old watching my first real movie all over again. Pixar films fill the world with possibility for me. I’m very, very excited about this one.
The Dark Knight Rises
Am I the only one who doesn’t think Christian Bale is a very good Batman? I think Christopher Nolan is a very good director – he creates visually stunning work – but I find Christian Bale so off-putting that I have a serious problem paying attention. That raspy whisper is very annoying. Plus I don’t think I’ll ever be able to watch Bale in anything again without hearing, in the back of my mind, that whole rant he did that time that got recorded and put all over the internet. I watched a couple of these movies. Were there more than two? I think I saw two. I saw the first one, and then the Heath Ledger one, which I liked for Heath Ledger. Or was that just the one? They really didn’t make much of an impression. In other words: no. No, I don’t think I’ll be going to see this. No interest at all.
Movies that are coming out around Christmas because I think the movie people think I have nothing better to do with my time around the holidays than to watch movies
The Great Gatsby
Now, listen. I think that Baz Luhrmann is brilliant. I will admit I didn’t see that Australia nonsense he did because everyone said it was terrible but also I’d forgotten all about it and will reserve it from the library now because I like what he does with a movie. His mind amazes me. He makes things beautiful. And I love, love, LOVE Gatsby. That being said, I’m a little worried about this. Yes, everything I’ve seen makes it look like it’ll be beautiful. But I hate Leonardo DiCaprio. SO MUCH YOU GUYS. I think he’s terrible; I don’t think he can act; and I think he always looks constipated. I don’t know if I can watch a whole movie with DiCaprio playing Gatsby with his constipated little monkey-face, I just don’t know if I have it in me. Because I love Gatsby. And, from the time I went to see Love in the Time of Cholera and almost was escorted out from the loud scoffing I kept doing because they sucked every bit of magic out of the book when they translated it to the screen, I’m not well-behaved when someone shits all over my favorite books in a movie theater. So I’m torn on this one.
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
I know. I KNOW. You’re all SO EXCITED. I haven’t seen the other movies and I can’t see myself seeing this one, either, even though it’s got Martin Freeman in it and I love him just about as much as pudding or mushrooms. Also, it’s TWO movies. Good grief, I don’t even go out and see ONE, you want me to commit to TWO?
GOOD GRACIOUS YES. Everything about this is exciting, everything. Quentin Tarentino; blaxploitation meets spaghetti western; QUENTIN TARENTINO. I’m so excited about this one I’m bouncing a little, no joke. (I’m just going to ignore the fact that effing constipated DiCaprio is in this, too.) I think I can convince my dad to see this one with me over the holidays. He likes violent movies and usually we end up having to see something I hate like one of those terrible Bourne movies. The last time we did that I slept through the whole thing. I’m not even kidding. I slept for the entire two hours. I hate the Bourne movies. We used to have to see James Bond movies, but since his feud with Daniel Craig the James Bond franchise is dead to him DEAD TO HIM I SAID. (Oh, you want to know why my dad is feuding with Daniel Craig? Because once, Daniel Craig said in an interview he was anti-gun. He thought all guns should be outlawed. My father, therefore, refuses to watch anything with Daniel Craig in it, and if Daniel Craig comes on the television, he yells “dirty HIPPIE!” at it and changes the channel.)
I don’t even know if I can express how excited about this I am. LES MIS YOU GUYS. With good actors! And SINGING! I was a little worried about the Taylor Swift as Eponine situation – can the girl act? She’s got a pretty enough voice, but Eponine needs to be good, or else that whole plotline falls flat, and also, I can’t help but imagine in my head Kanye West popping into the scene when she’s belting out “On My Own” and saying “No, no, listen, Eponine, I’m happy for you, and Imma let you finish, but I just wanna say that Cats is the best musical and should’ve been made into a movie instead of Les Mis” and then giggling to myself – but then read that was just a rumor and it’s some chick I’ve never heard who apparently won some sort of British talent show at some point of playing Eponine, so no more worries Taylor Swift worries, but a whole new set of worries, I guess, as I LOVE Eponine. But HOLY HELL you guys, did you SEE Anne Hathaway as Fantine? I knew the girl could sing but this is SO EXCITING. And if he can sing, Russell Crowe will make an amazing Javert. And ZOMG Hugh JACKMAN! As Valjean! And Helena Bonham Carter and Sacha Baron Cohen as the Thenardiers! THIS IS SO EXCITING I CAN’T EVEN. I’m going to try to convince my mom to see this with me over the holidays. She likes musicals and has never seen Les Mis.
A movie with no release date as of yet and I’m pretty stoked, I’m not going to lie
Much Ado About Nothing
SHAKESPEARE DIRECTED BY JOSS WHEDON. Starring Amy Acker, Alexis Denisof, Captain Tightpants, Sean Maher, Tom Lenk – I mean, come on. COME RIGHT ON. For a Whedon geek and a theater geek and a Shakespeare geek, this is so exciting I can’t even stand it. Will I see this in the theater? Yes. Will I immediately purchase the DVD once it’s released so I can own it and watch it a number of times my own self? Again, yes. Yes, I will do that.
So, what have we decided? I guess the possibilities are Brave, Gatsby, Django Unchained, Les Mis, and Much Ado. And as much as I SAY I want to see them in the theater, you know I’ll probably forget all about them until they’ve been out on DVD for a month or something and then be like, “ooh, I wanted to see that,” right?
Broken. Just don’t care about movies. I’m every studio’s worst nightmare, sincerely. They’d go under if the whole world were people like me. SORRY STUDIOS.