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Welcome to the future. Where your underwear talk to your phone and your shopping cart is a douchecanoe.

Happy Wednesday! Yep, I’m back from New York. (Well, I suppose unless I died or met the rich and handsome man of my dreams and stayed there FOREVER.) HOWEVER, I’m writing this BEFORE I EVEN LEAVE, because I know I’m not going to have time to write it between getting home around midnight on Tuesday night and playing catchup at work on Wednesday at work. (SIDE NOTE! I am home, I am safe, I had the best time, and you’ll get a recap – Friday? I’m thinking Friday, if all goes well. Today and tomorrow are a little catastrophic, scheduling-wise, but I should have time to get it together by Friday morning.) I AM WRITING TO YOU LIKE THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST. I wonder what’s happening to future-me? Do you think I have a flying car or a robot dog? MAN I hope so.

Shut up, this is my favorite version of ‘A Christmas Carol” EVER.

Anyway, in a strike of fortuitousness, The New York Times ALSO talked about THE FUTURE last week. Isn’t that handy? Look at me having a theme and all. I know! It’s like I planned this shit.

FANCY. So you KNOW it’s true.

So, The New York Times, a very fancy publication, had an article in their “Magazine” section about upcoming innovations (that seem to actually be in the works) that will CHANGE OUR LIVES. Well! I like my life to change. I mean, for the better. I don’t like my life to change for the worse. Who does, really? Let’s see what the New York Times says the future holds for us, shall we? Sure. Sure we shall.

(OH. PS. You know what the future holds for ME? I just made a list of all my summer shows. I’m a year behind on a lot of things, so will be recording a lot of them until I can catch up, but Drop Dead Diva and Pretty Little Liars – shut up, we all get guilty pleasures – the Tonys with my boy NPH, True Blood, The Newsroom, and Warehouse 13? Yes, please. Sounds good. Let’s go. Thanks. Yay, summer shows.)

Shut up, I like silly television sometimes. Also, this show makes me happy because the main character is normal-human-woman-sized.

ELECTRIC CLOTHES

Apparently, these clothes take your body heat and use it to charge your cell phone.

OK. Well, I’d like something that could charge my cell phone. As I mentioned yesterday, my phone has the worst battery life in the history of the world. But also, the article says it’s a layer of fabric INSIDE your clothes. I am ALWAYS hot. I worry these electric clothes would make me a sweaty disgusting mess. Or maybe electrocute me. And I’d die faster, because I was sweaty. As if someone threw a toaster into my bathtub.

WHEW! This technology is MAKING ME TOO HOT. And not in a sexy-fun way.

Scale of 1-10 on whether or not Amy would use this innovation, 1 being NO WAY CHARLIE and 10 being YES GIMME IT MAMA: 3

UNDERWEAR THAT TALK TO YOUR COMPUTER

These underwear have sensors that analyze how much working out you do and then tattle on you to your computer.

Um, I don’t want a tattletale computer in my nether regions. No, thanks. It’d be all, “AMY SAT AROUND LIKE A LUMP FOR 12 STRAIGHT HOURS EXCEPT FOR WHEN SHE ATE THAT CHEESE AND ALSO SHE PEED TWO TIMES.” Yeah, no thanks, nosy panties.

I have no idea what’s going on here, but I found these in a Google Image search and they made me snort-laugh.

Scale of 1-10 on whether or not Amy would use this innovation, 1 being NO WAY CHARLIE and 10 being YES GIMME IT MAMA: 1

A ROBOT KITCHEN

Your kitchen TABLE can be a COMPUTER MONITOR! Your kitchen CABINETS can be TELEVISIONS! Your FRIDGE can be a FULL-LENGTH VIDEOPHONE!

Oh, hell yeah. I want this. All the most. Totally. Because I waste a lot of time making breakfast that I could be emailing/tweeting/responding to blog comments. No, you think I’m kidding and being sarcastic, but the internet never stops, and I wake up and it’s like I AM HIT BY A WAVE OF AWESOME and I don’t have time to respond to it all once I get to work, and also a lot of my good websites are blocked by my joykiller employer. So I have about half an hour to reply to a million emails, respond to overnight blog comments, make sure the day’s blog looks pretty enough to publish that morning, reply to my @ mentions, check Facebook, and all the other places I need to check. It’s kind of crazy. I’m not complaining. I wake up and my phone has blown up and I just grin and grin. It makes me happier than I can say. But I waste a LOT of time in the morning AWAY from my laptop. What if my counter was a laptop? What if my cabinets were a TV?

Honestly, I’m coveting the icemaker a little more. I WANT AN ICEMAKER SO BADLYYYYY.

Also, “…when you’re done, you can swipe everything away, like Tony Stark in Iron Man.” ZOMG I WANT TO BE TONY STARK.

Sorry. Had to be done.

Only problem is, I’d never ever be able to afford any of this tech. I can’t even afford a flatscreen TV. The only reason I have a tv bigger than a laptop screen is because friends were moving and gave me their old television. It weighs a billion pounds. Ask Dad, he almost died bringing it upstairs. THANK YOU DADDY I LOVE YOU.

Scale of 1-10 on whether or not Amy would use this innovation, 1 being NO WAY CHARLIE and 10 being YES GIMME IT MAMA: 10

AN ASSHOLE WORKSTATION

This workstation wants you to sit up straight, like your grandmother. So the monitor sends out laser-beams from the camera to make sure your eyes are at the right level. And if they’re not, it assumes you’re slouching. IT HATES SLOUCHING. So it’s all, “STOP THAT SHIT YO.” It also tells you to get up and take a walk once and a while.

I don’t need another mom or grandmother telling me not to slouch. If I want to slouch, I’ll effing slouch. Shut UP, monitor. RUDE.

You KNOW this is the kind of thing offices would totally jump on and get because they’ll be all “wave of the future” and it makes your job harder to deal with and more like a gulag, right? Right.

Stop being bossy, you effing workstation.

Scale of 1-10 on whether or not Amy would use this innovation, 1 being NO WAY CHARLIE and 10 being YES GIMME IT MAMA: 1

THE “I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I” WEAPON

This weapon records what your enemy says, then plays it back to him with the most minute delay. Apparently, this does something to your enemy’s brain so he or she can’t speak. They plan on using this in meetings when people won’t STFU.

WHEN CAN I HAVE ONE OF THESE PLEASE I WILL GIVE YOU ANYTHING I ATTEND A LOT OF MEETINGS WITH TALKY TINAS.

In all seriousness, this seems like kind of a mean thing to have developed. The article says they want to shrink it down and put it into cellphones, I assume to shut up the loud-talkers.

Well, sure. People talk a lot, but listen. The world’s an annoying place. Deep-breathe and walk away if you can; deep-breathe and think about something nice like fried dough if you can’t. You can’t beat the assholes. The world’s full of them. Just co-exist. It’s the way of the world, sunshine.

Scale of 1-10 on whether or not Amy would use this innovation, 1 being NO WAY CHARLIE and 10 being YES GIMME IT MAMA: 1

NO MORE PASSWORDS, SHAZAM!

Apparently, in the FEW-CHA, instead of remembering a million passwords, you can use your BODY as a login. They way you move your phone to your ear could be the password to your phone. The way you shift your bum in your chair could be your computer password.

Huh. This is kind of neat, I’m not going to lie.

Scale of 1-10 on whether or not Amy would use this innovation, 1 being NO WAY CHARLIE and 10 being YES GIMME IT MAMA: 10

PLAYGROUNDS THAT EAT YOUR FACE

In Norway, a couple of psychologists decided that playgrounds are for SISSIES. And they should be MEAN. And EVIL. Because the harder the playground is to navigate, and the bigger the potential for injury, the better prepared children will be for how tough the world is.

Many people agree with them so playgrounds are starting to be built using the “let’s injure the shit out of our children TOUGHEN ‘EM UP, YO” model.

I will eat you. I WILL EAT YOU ALL UP.

What the hell, Norwegians? Kids have their whole damn LIVES to learn how bad life sucks. No need to have them spend it as a quadriplegic because you decided the playground needed to have an unexpected 10-foot dropoff.

Also, touch The Nephew and I’ll put YOU on a playground of pain. Called “run the gauntlet of me throwing every one of my kitchen knives at you.”

Scale of 1-10 on whether or not Amy would use this innovation, 1 being NO WAY CHARLIE and 10 being YES GIMME IT MAMA: -150

A MEAN-GIRL SHOPPING CART

This shopping cart, via text message, knows who you are, what you want for dinner, and what you aren’t supposed to be eating. If you put something in the cart that’s verboten, it will tell you “NO NO NO.”

Then it scans it all for you without you having to go through the checkout and you can pay for it right there on the cart handle.

OK, the first part? The grocery business would go under in like a week. The grocery store is all about impulse buys. But the second part rocks. How much would I love not having to go through checkout? Yes, please.

Yes, I know this has nothing to do with what I’m talking about here but WTF? And, ha!

Scale of 1-10 on whether or not Amy would use this innovation, 1 being NO WAY CHARLIE and 10 being YES GIMME IT MAMA: 5

BRAIN SCANNERS

You wear this thing while you’re sleeping and it tells your phone or computer if you’re dying of the early stages of a disease.

Well, that sounds great, except you KNOW what my dad would say about this, right?

“IT’S THE GOVERNMENT TRACKING YOU AND IT’S ONE STEP AWAY FROM A CHIP IN YOUR NECK.”

This is Dad’s nightmare. I should email this to him and ask him what he thinks of my new jewelry. Heh.

Listen, we’re all going to die of something. I’m hoping I go quickly, but with my luck, it’ll be something lingery and terrible.

I don’t think I want to know. Ooh, like the assholes say, YOLO, right? I’m on the PULSE of POPULAR CULTURE. Can you imagine waking up and your phone’s all, “Hi, Amy. You have ALZHEIMER’S today. Have a great Tuesday!” No. No thanks.

Scale of 1-10 on whether or not Amy would use this innovation, 1 being NO WAY CHARLIE and 10 being YES GIMME IT MAMA: 1

A BLOOD TEST FOR DEPRESSION

I’m not even being in the least bit sarcastic when I say this is an amazing thing, and get to working on this, seriously. Too many people think that depression doesn’t exist, and people should just “snap out of it” and “cheer up.” Some of those people are genetically related to me. If I had proof, they’d have to shut the hell up. It would save lives. People who were depressed wouldn’t feel like it was all in their heads and so alienated from everyone. Yes. I’m all for this.

Scale of 1-10 on whether or not Amy would use this innovation, 1 being NO WAY CHARLIE and 10 being YES GIMME IT MAMA: 10

HEAVY PETTING

Apparently, petting a cat or dog calms you down and makes you live longer, but you can’t bring your pet everywhere like a furry suitcase. So scientists invented a square of electric faux-fur that makes you feel like you’re petting your pet because it MOVES UNDER YOUR HAND (ugh ugh no please no) and that’s not at all creepy if you pull that out of your pocket and start petting that all Dr. Evil-like at your next office meeting, no no no.

Like this, only with no face. Just a patch of moving fur. Because THAT’S not at all creepy.

Scale of 1-10 on whether or not Amy would use this innovation, 1 being NO WAY CHARLIE and 10 being YES GIMME IT MAMA: 1

Listen, other than the kitchen that is from the Jetsons, none of these future-things sound awesome.

Here’s what I want.

  • Magic wormholes that make long-distance travel faster and easier
  • A collar like in the movie Up so I can talk to Dumbcat
  • Pet dragons
  • Science to eliminate the need for sleep
  • FLYING EFFING CARS

YES. This one seems to have a number of…cup holders? Nice. Helpful.

I don’t think any of these things are asking too much. GET CRACKING, SCIENCE TYPES. (No, not you, Andreas. In the future, you can work on whatever you want. I’ll appoint you Lead High Grand Scientist, and you’ll oversee all the science-types. Oh, did I not mention I rule the universe in the future? Yeah, sorry, oversight. Totally do. Sorry. ONE BLOGGER TO RULE THEM ALL.)

Oh, wait, before I go! BLOGGIVERSARY WEEK! Have you commented on Sunday’s post yet? You only have two more days! Don’t you want to win a prize? Sure you do. SURE YOU DO I SAID.

Your fourth-most-popular post of the year is another one of my favorites. Because I like making fun of douchebags.

Volcanic Eruptions! VOLCANIC ERUPTIONS! Also super-cool hats.

What have we learned from your admiration for THIS post? That you like when I poke fun at douchebags. That my sex-ay posts are popular. That there are weirdos in the world (NO NOT YOU, THEM.) That you need to “peacock” to get the lay-deez.

Happy Wednesday, my little brussels sprouts and assorted root vegetables!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

23 responses to “Welcome to the future. Where your underwear talk to your phone and your shopping cart is a douchecanoe.

  • sj

    I would never get anything done if I had that kitchen. Never.

    Like

  • blogginglily

    FUTURE!!!!

    Like

  • blogginglily

    I love that video. . . it is FASCINATING, yo. They made a second, somewhat less riveting followup. Still awesome though:

    Like

  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    I totally agree – the NYT idea of “future gadgets” is kind of ‘meh’. But YOUR list?? Yes PLEASE. Every. Single. One.

    (And welcome back from NYNY – hope your work isn’t totally teh suck today…)

    Like

  • Rich Crete

    Coming up next on FOX, a new reality show, If Panties Could Talk!
    (canceled after the first episode when Britney Spears’ were a no show)

    Like

  • Samantha

    I think I would like the futuristic kitchen as well. I mean, I already bring my laptop into the kitchen to read while water’s boiling or whatever (for ALL THE PASTA!) and YES PET DRAGONS. And flying cars. although could you IMAGINE the road rage with FLYING cars? Maybe I’m not ready for that.

    Like

  • Heather

    That thing that takes someone’s words and plays them back with a delay? One of my science teachers had something like that when I was in 8th grade. We all got to test it out. We would sing the ABC’s or Mary Had a Little Lamb or whatever, and it would record us. (We did this one at a time, not all together.) Then the person would put on headphones and the teacher would play the recording back and either slow it down or speed it up, and the person would have to try to sing whatever it was while listening to the recording. Except hearing yourself singing it faster or slower would screw you all up, so you’d be singing it out loud all crazy and not know it, and the rest of the class would be laughing their asses off. I remember that it confussed one girl so badly that she started crying. I felt horrible for her. So yeah, that shit works. Hahaha!

    Like

  • 35jupiterdrive@gmail.com

    I like the depression blood test idea if we did not use it for evil. I’m just worried that we would. (Well, when I say we, I don’t mean you and me. I mean Them.)

    Otherwise, I like your list of stuff, rather than the NYT’s. Except the eliminating sleep one. I love dreaming. I don’t want to eliminate that. But wormholes (of the non collapsing variety) and Andreas as Lead High Grand Scientist and you as Ruler of the World/Universe? Works for me.

    Glad you had fun in NY

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh, agreed. I didn’t even think of that. Yeah, if they required blood tests for a job, and refused to hire because of that – yes. Bad idea.

      I very seldom dream, and I could use the time for other things, so I’m ok with no sleeping.

      And, thanks! I did. NYC was great.

      Like

  • ProfMomEsq

    I have a billion and a half things to finish today, so I can’t write my usual overly long comment, but I wanted to say, “Happy Blogiversary!” because I promised. Also, I really want that kitchen. A lot.

    Like

  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    Well, I never imagined my underwear as a potential computer site. Oh, wait, that’s not true, I (totally true) worked that concept into a short sci-fi story I never did anything with. Dang. I should have done something with that; I could have been a visionary.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Hee! Seriously, the number of things I COULD have been famous for makes me sad. I KNOW I could have made a million on my washer/dryer combo idea, if someone hadn’t beaten me to the punch, dammit.

      Like

  • Jericha Senyak (@JerichaSenyak)

    I’d rather have a pet dragon than ANYTHING on that list. Also, many of those inventions seem extremely pointless. Like the underwear. Especially the underwear. Also, I love those “things we will have in teh futooor” lists because they are always so seismically incorrect and I’m pretty sure they only exist so that people will buy back issues in ten years and laugh like drains about the ludicrousness. My awesome 1980 Playboy has a whole thing of ’em (also ‘in the works’) and they are ALL WRONG.

    Like

  • Friday Funtime* « Muse~ings

    […] Interested in what the future will bring? @lucysfootball has a great post about it: Welcome to the Future. […]

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