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I avoided people like they were zombies *before* they were all zombies.

I realize you are probably totally all disappointed in me because I haven’t been discussing the end of the world and you have come to count on me for your apocalypse updates. Sometimes I have personal shit occurring that prevents me from discussing the apocalypse in a timely fashion. Listen, you need to be a little proactive. It’s not like I’m going to be there to protect you when the zombies come. Well, not all of you. Dumbcat and I do plan on hiking our asses on over to wherever The Nephew is. The zombies won’t be getting The Nephew, nosiree Bob. 

The zombie apocalypse is nigh and don’t even think I didn’t warn you like eleventy-billion times this was coming. It’s your own damn fault you decided to be all blithe and ignore me and go trip the light fandango or whatever it is you do in your personal life and not prepare for this shit appropriately. 

In Miami, some guy ate another guy’s FACE. He ATE HIS FACE RIGHT OFF. 

JUST LIKE THIS.

How often do I mention eating your face on here? I’m going to do a search. Because I’m pretty sure it means I’m psychic. Oh, the answer is 15. Fifteen times in a year I have mentioned either eating your face off, biting your face off, or chewing your face off. I AM A PSYCHIC WONDER. I knew this was going down. I just wasn’t sure WHEN. You can’t put a timeline on face-eating. Don’t try to puzzle out my powers. They’re inscrutable. 

So, in Miami on Sunday, the cops found a naked man (zombies don’t need clothes, why would they need clothes? They have no shame. That part of their brain is dead as disco. DID YOU HEAR THAT JIM? DEAD AS *DISCO*) chewing on a homeless man’s face on an off-ramp. They were all, “Sir? Sir, could you please stop the face-chewery? That’s totally the grossest, no joke. Back away from the man-buffet, Naked McGee.” The naked man IGNORED THEM. Also? CNN says that “When the officer approached him, told him to stop, pointed a gun at him, he turned around and growled like a wild animal and kept eating at the man’s face.” The cop was all, “AW HELL NO” and then shot him. Well, the cop obviously didn’t watch (or read, the comics are better) a lot of Walking Dead, because the bullet didn’t stop him. He just kept on a’nommin’. Nom nom nom.  Well! You KNOW that cop shot him somewhere non-lethal, right? Like, in the leg or something. Like cops are trained to do. Guess how many more times the cop shot him? Five. FIVE MORE TIMES. It took SIX SHOTS for that man to stop eating the homeless man’s face. SIX. (One good head shot and that homeless man wouldn’t need to wear a Phantom of the Opera mask, copper-copper-crime-stopper. Just letting you know. Do your research. It’s your civic duty to know these things. We COUNT on you. Sheesh. Rick Grimes is a cop, he knows these things.) 

I like comic-book Rick better. TV-Rick, although pretty, isn’t badass enough for me.

The naked man (let’s just start calling him the zombie, ok?) was killed. Or he was already dead and he was put down, I suppose. The victim, Ronald Poppo, was transported to the hospital with critical injuries. According to this article, “most of his face, save for his goatee, is missing.”  Well, this is a new one. Zombies don’t eat beards! Good to know. You should all grow beards. This is good news for those of us who find bearded men attractive. (Now, listen, I’m not saying the victim is going to die and then rise again with a hunger for human flesh and brain matter, but I sure as hell wouldn’t be his nurse. Or at least wouldn’t be his nurse without a fireaxe strapped to my hip or something.) 

Jake, most of your pretty face is safe, safe, safe.

The zombie, before he was a zombie, was a man named Rudy Eugene. (TWO FIRST NAMES! That’s already suspicious. I mean, look at James Earl Ray! He had THREE first names, and NOTHING good came of that. NOTHING.) People say that “Eugene could often be seen wandering the area looking confused.” That is because HE WAS ADJUSTING TO BEING A VERY DEAD ZOMBIE.  

Now, the cops, in a massive coverup attempt, are all, “NO NO NO, it’s not ZOMBIEISM, it’s a new drug, it’s so new…um…you’ve never heard of it…we call it…um…bath salts.” They SAY “bath salts” are like meth and also amphetamine and maybe also bear testosterone. I made up part of that. NO I’m not telling you which part. This “drug” that I am not sure exists causes you to “use your jaws as a weapons.” So does zombieism, you cover-uppers. I don’t buy this for a minute. 

His girlfriend agrees with me about the unlikeliness of this bath salt scenario, by the way.

The man being depicted by the media as a “face eater” or a “monster” is not the man she knew, she said. He smoked marijuana often, though had recently said he wanted to quit, but he didn’t use stronger recreational drugs and even refused to take over-the-counter medication for simple ailments like headaches, she said. He was sweet and well-mannered, she said.

Eugene’s girlfriend has her own theory on what happened that day. She believes Eugene was drugged unknowingly. The only other explanation, she said, was supernatural — that someone put a Vodou curse on him. The girlfriend, who unlike Eugene is not Haitian, said she has never believed in Vodou, until now.

You do realize that voodoo creates ZOMBIES, right? Right.

Google Images says this is “bath salts” but I say LIKELY STORY GOOGLE IMAGES. LIKELY STORY.

So, there’s that. There’s a zombie in Miami, who, before he died, made WHO KNOWS how many more zombies. Likely amongst the homeless community, which is, if you think about it, a very good place to start, because they already sometimes have dead eyes and shamble about, so they could fly under the radar until they’ve got their numbers up, and then kill us, kill us all. Now, if that was it, I’d be all, ok, maybe we can contain this. MAYBE. But I’d still stock up on canned goods and shelf-stable milk. 

(Side note: I shared this story with K. that I work with. K.’s response: “That’s not true. That’s disgusting. That’s not zombies. Why do you think everything’s zombies? You always think things are zombies. It’s not zombies. Probably he was just a cuckoo. It was in Miami? He probably had sunstroke. Was he wearing sunscreen? Did the article say he was sufficiently hydrated, and wearing sunscreen?” IF YOU PEOPLE KEEP BURYING YOUR HEADS IN THE SAND THE ZOMBIES ARE JUST GOING TO BITE YOU IN THE ASSES. Also? You can still be infected by an ass-bite. I CAN’T TELL YOU EVERYTHING, PEOPLE. You need to do some RESEARCH.) 

Then a guy in New Jersey CUT HIS OWN ABDOMEN OPEN and THREW HIS OWN INTESTINES AT THE COPS. 

NO, I’m not kidding. How could I make something like that up? Come on, even I’m not that twisted. Heh. Intestines. Twisted. Nice one, Amy. Thanks, Amy.

When the cops showed up at this shouty dude’s house, he started stabbing himself. They noticed his intestines were hanging out of him. He continued to stab himself, then PULLED HIS INTESTINES OUT and WIELDED THEM AT THE COPS. I like that he furnished his own disgusting weapons. You have to admire that kind of MacGuyverism. 

MacGuyver never used his own intestines to get out of a jam, but if the situation called for it, you can bet he would have. I have FAITH in you, MacGuyver.

The cops sprayed two cans of pepper spray at him. It did nothing. Well, why would it? Zombies can’t feel pain. THEY ARE ALREADY DEAD. 

(Although, listen, I’m not sure this one’s a zombie. I think this one might just be a demon or a revenant or something. This one seems to think and use crude tools too well to be a zombie.) 

This article doesn’t even tell us why this guy was using his own intestines as sticky weaponry. Just that he’s been treated in the past for mental problems. Huh. This is a worry.

You think we’re done, don’t you? WE ARE NOT DONE. Listen, you’ve been relaxing for FAR TOO LONG. The apocalypse is HERE, people. This week it HAILED on my HEAD in MAY. That’s total apocalypse behavior. 

On Memorial Day, this tweet was sent out from the University of Illinois: 

Um. UM YOU GUYS. Um. 

Now, the university is immediately all “ha ha! No, no. All is well! All has been contained. THERE IS TOTALLY NO DANGER AT ALL. But, if, you know, you see glow-in-the-dark monkeys with laser-beam eyes or maybe tentacle-beasts in the campus library bathroom, you might want to, oh, I don’t know, lock yourself in your dorm closet for the time being. With a sharpened dining-hall butter knife as a weapon. Just a thought.” 

I find it horrifying I did a search for “genetically altered monkeys” and THIS PHOTO CAME UP. You GUYS! There ARE glow in the dark monkeys! Oh, no no no.

Genomic Biology? Andreas, we’re in deep shit right now, right? Well, you’re not, you’ve got an ocean separating you from the glowing monkeys and tentacle-beasts and I don’t know that they can swim. But we are, right? I mean, I’m totally prepared for zombies but I don’t know how prepared I am for monkeys. They’re cunning, monkeys are. I can only assume whatever got spilled would make them MORE cunning. Oh, this is bad. This is so, so bad. Zombies are slow. Monkeys are NOT AT ALL SLOW. When I went to the zoo last month, there was this one monkey that was SO FAST. It was zipping all around its cage. And Dad was like, “Isn’t that baby monkey cute?” and I apparently looked horrified and he said, “What?” and I said, “I’m just imagining how fast that would be if it got in your bedroom at night in the dark and ripped off your face.” 

Dad just shook his head and worried about how my brain works but WHO’S LAUGHING NOW DAD. Not me, I’m too busy worrying about GLOW IN THE DARK GENETICALLY ALTERED MONKEY BEASTS. 

Now, I know, you want to know what you can do to prepare. I’m really kind of mad at you all for not already BEING prepared, but fine. I’ll help. Because I don’t want you to all be dead. Then who would read my blog? 

Stock up on non-perishable food items (and water, don’t be a dummy.) Also, if you can learn to hunt and can your own food, that’d be good. The non-perishables are only going to be good for a year or so, and then you’re going to get pretty hungry if you can’t fend for yourself. 

Learn to use weapons. Also, if you can get good at weapons that are self-sustaining, like axes or swords or something, that’d be good. Once all the bullets and arrows are looted, you’re shit out of luck, Good-Time Charlie. 

Find a place to hole up and be ready to defend that sucker. You might have to kill non-zombies to do it, because other people are going to try to steal your hidey-hole. If you’re squeamish, be ready to die. Nice knowing you. 

Bone up. Zombie movies/shows/literature. I know, it’s like homework. Well, it’s homework that can save your life, Slappy Jones. So put down the Draw Something and read a damn comic. 

Try not to get too attached. Your friends and family are going to get eaten. It’s just the way of the apocalypse. I mean, sure, you can mourn a little. But mourn too much, and your tear-soaked eyes are going to miss that zombie sneaking up on you to eat your face off. 

Learn basic survival skills. You already know you need to know how to hunt and can your own food. You also will need to know how to build a fire. Swimming would be good. Driving a standard. Building a shelter. Growing your own food. Purifying your own water. It’s kind of like competing on Survivor, except Jeff Probst wants to eat you. 

Fire is LIFE on the island. And your fire is about to GO IN MY MOUTHHOLE.

And, above all else, what did we learn from Zombieland? Which you watched as part of your homework, right? Right. The Double Tap, mofos. YOU NEED TO BE SURE THEY’RE DEAD. 

Don’t come crawling to me when the zombies come. I’m looking out for myself, Dumbcat, and The Nephew. A girl’s gotta have priorities. You’re on your own, my little squash blossoms. 

In the meantime, look out for the glow-in-the-dark monkeys. Speedy bastards. 

(I know there’s no way to PROVE this, but I’m totally writing this WEDNESDAY, and then this came out today, so now I look like a thief. I promise I’m not. It’s very good and any similarities are due to perhaps some sort of mind-meld vortex because I finished this at 1pm and read the article at 3pm so I don’t know. I did mention I was psychic. So maybe it’s that. Or you could just call me a liar and say I stole it, either way. But if I stole it, would I put a link to this article in my post? Am I really that devious a mastermind? Am I really?)

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

44 responses to “I avoided people like they were zombies *before* they were all zombies.

  • elaine4queen

    at least you can see the green monkeys coming.

    my mum was a mormon when i was a teenager. we had a cupboard for apocalypse food.

    she’s not a mormon any more, and doesn’t have an apocalypse cupboard. BUT I DO!

    Like

  • Sarah Smith-Frigerio (@ssfrigerio)

    Thanks for the pingback! For the record, I totally believe you.

    Like

  • sj

    Wait, wait, wait.

    You didn’t talk about this one, too?!

    I’m seriously frightened about all of this crap. I don’t know if it’s always been going on, but was swept under the rug or if there’s a recent uptick in occurrences. I don’t know and I don’t care.

    It’s effing scary.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I wrote this days ago, so hadn’t seen that one. Yikes. This really is far-reaching.

      Yes, yes. I’m joking about the zombie situation. But seriously? Seriously? There’s something going on with the cannibalism. It’s worrisome.

      Like

  • ProfMomEsq

    After I clicked the link about the New Jersey guy and saw that he’s from “Hackensack,” I could barely read anymore. Hackensack. {hysterical laughter}. By the way, I am in a public place right now. People are staring. It’s only making me laugh harder. Hackensack. Bwahahahahah.

    Like

  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    sj beat me to the link about the guy eating his roommates brain. BRAAAIIINNNNSSSSS!!!!!!!!

    Me? I’m gonna be all Resident Evil kick-a$$ armed and ready!!

    Like

  • Kristy Shriner Salisbury

    I guess that Miami zombie guy really liked open-face sandwiches. Ha! On another somewhat related note, your squash blossom comment made me want squash blossom soup in the worst way possible!

    Like

  • Jericha Senyak (@JerichaSenyak)

    I don’t know. I don’t find the whole oh-god-the-zombie-apocalypse thing as funny as I did before reading this article. I was all ready to make jokes and then I read this and was like, um, oh, yeah. Point taken.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Yes. I realize that some people are offended by the zombie jokes. I am one of the people that, for good or for ill, will be laughing as the bombs drop, because it’s the only way I know how to deal with upsetting situations, and very little is sacred to me. It’s a defense mechanism. And something’s going to offend everyone, and if I avoided everything, I wouldn’t be able to blog. I apologize if I have offended you.

      Like

  • blogginglily

    People are eating people UP pell mell. I didn’t even KNOW about the intestine thrower.

    We were on a walk at work yesterday and my coworker, Ken mentioned the guy getting shot six times. And I was like, “I get it. I totally get it.”

    and he said, “But I mean, they have other ways of subduing an unarmed man than shooting him six times. How about a taser?”

    And so I said, “When a naked guy is eating the face off another naked guy and he growls at me when I tell him to stop. . . I shoot him six times, AT LEAST.”

    “yeah but – ”

    “I SHOOT HIM.”

    “But if you – ”

    “Ken, I don’t care. I don’t think there’s too much that could freak me out more than seeing a man eat another man’s face OFF, except perhaps if I were holding a gun at the man and when I said, ‘hey, stop eating that guy’s face’ he looked up at me with blood all over his face like a messy baby back rib dinner at Applebee’s and growled. I shoot him. Every time.”

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  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Re glow-in-the-dark monkeys: I think you might be confusing genomics with genetics. Genomics is the study of an organism’s complete generic material, like mapping it out. Genetics on the other hand studies the effects of single genes or groups of genes. Geneticists are the ones making glow-in-the-dark monkeys, so you don’t have to worry about running into any of those. (Monkeys that is, not geneticists.)

    Like

  • Jericha Senyak (@JerichaSenyak)

    Oh, and HuffPost has a really, really awesome article about this. I’m sorry to be such a joke-destroyer. This stuff just upsets me in a sad way, not a funny zomg-zombies way.

    Like

    • sj

      Jericha, I think we all realize that this is incredibly disturbing – for some (most?) of us, humour is the best way to diffuse a tense situation.

      I couldn’t even read these stories when they broke earlier this week without crying. Yes, some people are assholes – some people are scary assholes.

      I don’t doubt that mental illness plays a very large part in many of these cases, and the choice to engage in more than recreational drug use probably plays another large part.

      The thing is, if I didn’t find some way to laugh about this shit that’s happening, I would be curled up in a ball on the floor, rocking back and forth and weeping.

      I’d rather laugh.

      Like

  • Kristy Shriner Salisbury

    Did you know that the CDC has a Zombie preparedness section on their website? http://www.cdc.gov/phpr/zombies.htm

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I totally read that when I found out about it. They don’t seem to be taking this very seriously. They’ll be laughing out of the other side of their face when the zombies come. They’ll have to, because the zombies will have eaten the original side of their face.

      Like

  • Kristy Shriner Salisbury

    Oh, and my home state was selling zombie-proof condos…but they’re sold out! http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/zombie-proof-condos-sell-out-in-kansas

    Like

  • Jericha Senyak (@JerichaSenyak)

    I know, I do, really. I’m not not NOT trying to say “OMG guys you are all being SUCH BAD PEOPLE for laughing at this, please let me wither you with my self-righteous scorn.” (I hope you know I would never do that.) I guess I just wanted to put in a word for, well, swallowing down BOTH the horror and the impulse to laugh-because-actually-I-want-to-cry and looking at WHY some of these things have happened and what the devaluation of mental health support in this country has done. And I guess I worry a little that joking TOO much, or taking things overly lightly, even if it’s because the alternative is some deep scary darkness indeed, sometimes gets in the way of actually looking at ordinary everyday people can do to to make sure fewer things like this happen. Maybe that’s an irrational fear on my part, and I sure don’t mean to be preachy about it. I linked to the articles because I’m not sure how to put words on what I’m feeling and they did an okay job of it. Gahhhh. I guess this kinda thing doesn’t show me off at my best, exactly. Sigh. Sorry.

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    • blogginglily

      I wish I could recall the article I read, but your comments bring it to mind. I was sort of half-heartedly researching mental health language for a blog post I was ranting. . . I mean writing. I came across an excellent article that talked about the one mental health condition nobody seems to give a shit about. . . psychopathy.

      Our hearts go out to those battling depression, for example, but there’s not a whole heap of empathy flowing toward that group. If it wasn’t 1 in the morning, i’d look it up. But it is, and tomorrow I won’t remember that I even left this comment.

      Like

      • lucysfootball

        The thing is, the face-eater wasn’t a psychopath. He took a metric shit-ton of drugs, the side effect of which was extreme aggression. From reports, he wasn’t even an addict, just a recreational user.

        I don’t have a lot of sympathy for that. Sorry.

        Do I have sympathy for the victim? Yes. Of course I do. I’m not a monster. But for the perpetrator? No. It was his choice to a ton of designer drugs. His horrible, horrible choice. I have no sympathy for that.

        Like

        • blogginglily

          maybe his mental health issues NECESSITATED his choice of a metric shit tonne of “designer” drugs (since when are ‘bath salts’ designer drugs?)

          MONSTER!!!

          Like

          • lucysfootball

            I read an article that they’re designer drugs. They’re not really bath salts. They’re a drug, made in a lab, that look like bath salts (hence the name.) And since they’re designer drugs, they’re not illegal yet (something to do with they can’t be made illegal because the composition of them keeps changing, I guess?)

            And, if it makes me a monster that I don’t even care what his thought processes were that led him to think taking a drug that’s known to make you furiously angry was a good idea? Then, yep. I’m Oscar the Grouch, then.

            Like

  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    Having known and cared for some pretty seriously mentally ill persons in my time I see the concern, but I thought your post was classic. My favorite part was “speedy bastards,” though. I don’t care what Andreas says. There is dangerous shit spilling and “Genomic” is just a cover for the what they are REALLY up to, and the next time I am sprinting up the stairs in the dark, it might be harder to convince myself some small and fierce thing isn’t sprinting up after me, extending its long claws toward me with glee.

    Like

  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    Also, non-perishables are only good for a year or so? I need to do some serious cupboard cleaning…

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I might have made that up. I’m not really sure. I don’t know that I’ve ever had a can of anything around long enough to know. I have a very small place so I can’t stockpile much. Which will be a problem when the end comes.

      Like

  • Jericha Senyak (@JerichaSenyak)

    Okay, the genomic stuff was hilariously terrifying. I am preachless over that for sure. Also love the totally blase tone, like “um, no biggie, guys, but…”

    I’m pretty sure non-perishables are good FOREVER. Like I seem to remember reading about how they found cans from 50 years ago that were still full of totally edible spam or something. I mean, if you consider spam edible at ANY point.

    Like

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