So, the other day, in my search terms, I had “full service lube filled with innuendo.” I was fairly sure that was there just for Ken. Ken’s thing is euphemism, but he really does love a good innuendo. (That sentence, in itself? Is kind of an innuendo. Please don’t think I missed the irony inherent in that.) This led Ken to comment on the post with “Full service lube *and* innuendo? Together? Oh, wow. That’s now all I want. That’s it.”
Now, listen. I’ve known Ken for, what. I don’t know. Six months? -ish? Something like that. I have the memory of an old person when it comes to nonsense like that. I mean, when you meet someone in real life, I suppose you can look back and say, “Hey, I met so-and-so at such-and-such an event, which was in July of ’09, so I’ve known them for three years!” or whatever. Because the place you met them jars your memory. (Like, SIDE NOTE! I remember when I first met my friend N., who reads this – hi, N.! – because I saw him in a play and thought, WHOA, this guy can ACT, and then I saw him walking around town – I’ve totally mentioned this before – and was totally going to go up to him and say “Hey, you don’t know me but you’re insanely talented, please come audition at my theater” but I chickened out, and THEN one day my theater called me and told me they needed a stage manager for a show and would I step in and I said yes and he was in the show! And I totally geeked out when we were introduced, all, “I ALREADY KNOW YOU um…but…not really…I’m kind of stalking you, talent-wise, because when you’re on stage, it’s like magic laser beams of awesome. I’m so glad you’re here.” So, I will always remember when I actually met N., in August of 2006, because it stands out as the culmination of me finally getting to meet someone I admired and also I remember what show we worked on together. And then we became friends, what are the odds of that? Slim. Slim to none. Holy hell, N., have we actually known each other six YEARS this August? Wow! And, SCENE.) But when you “meet” someone online, it’s not as easy of a task. I just checked, and Ken started commenting on my blog in late November of last year. Probably we started chatting on Twitter earlier than that? I don’t for the life of me recall. It’s not like someone starts following you on Twitter and you write it down in a little notebook just in CASE it’s going to be important later on. Or do you? Do you people do that? Wow, that’s…I don’t even know what that is. Impressive, I guess. Super-organized. And a little obsessive.
Anyway, that got tangenty mega-fast. I can’t imagine anyone’s surprised. So let’s say I’ve known Ken for like six months or something. In that six months, Ken has become one of my most favorite people ever. There is not even a hint of sarcasm in that. Ken makes me laugh until I cry, and he’s not only funny, he’s probably one of the most intelligent people I know. Plus a million other wonderful things I won’t detail because he’ll get all embarrassed-like. And we’re pretty sure we’re somehow secretly related. We haven’t figured that out yet. Like the last act of a badly-written soap opera, I’m sure that will all be revealed SHOCKINGLY one of these days, with many tears and maybe also jazz hands. And someone will probably get amnesia. Someone always does.
So if Ken says all he wants is full service lube and innuendo, listen, Ken gets full service lube and innuendo. It’s all he wants. That’s really not asking much, is it? For making me laugh so hard that sometimes there are tears? For months? And putting up with my somewhat looney insanity without even a hint of complaint? Nope. Not at all.
(SIDE NOTE! While researching this, I found two of my MOST FAVORITE INNUENDOS. Ready? One’s for all of you, and one’s for all of you but most especially Andreas. They’re both from my lady-love Dorothy Parker. First: “Ducking for apples — change one letter and it’s the story of my life.” And second – this one’s for Andreas, because it’s sciency- “What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can’t hear an enzyme.”)
So, Ken, for you: a story. Filled with innuendo. And euphemism. I couldn’t leave out the euphemism. So much euphemism and innuendo, it’s probably going to be BANNED in some states. Probably the small square ones in the middle. Thank you for being Ken. I’m glad you’re not someone else. I don’t think I’d like that. It would be confusing and I’d have to relearn all the rules.
LUBING THE PROBE
(A Ding Dong Joe and Pervy Pete Adventure)
Pervy Pete’s phone rang at 8am. He was not pleased about this development, because he’d stayed up much too late the night before.
“Hello?” he said, in a very grumpy voice.
“Pervy Pete! It’s me, your old pal Ding Dong Joe. What’s up?”
“Why are you calling me so early, Ding Dong Joe? It’s 8am.”
“Normal people are awake at 8am, Pervy Pete. Why are you so tired? Were you up late choking the chicken?”
“Nope. I no longer raise and butcher my own fowl. I was pulling taffy.”
“Yes. It’s this new thing I’ve discovered. I’ve been making candy. Taffy is my favorite. It needs a lot of kneading. And pulling. Over and over. It starts really hard, but then it gets soft, once you’re done with it. It’s exhausting – you really have to be persistent – but really fulfilling. If you want, I can give you some taffy of your own.”
“Wow, that does sound fulfilling. I’d love to start pulling my own taffy. I suppose in the meantime I could pull your taffy, to see if I liked it, though. Before I made a commitment to it, you know? Anyway! Pervy Pete, I was wondering. Want to run an errand with me today?”
“An errand? What kind of errand?”
“Oh, you know. A little quick in and out. What do you say? I mean, I don’t mind doing it alone, but it’s always more fun with a partner.”
Pervy Pete thought about it. He was very tired from pulling his taffy all night long, but it was always fun to hang out with Ding Dong Joe. Ding Dong Joe knew all the good spots to get down and dirty, and was always willing to drive when they went out.
“Sure, Ding Dong Joe, let’s run some errands today. How long before you get here? Do I have time to pull my taffy one more time?”
Ding Dong Joe laughed. “You’re going to get carpal tunnel if you pull your taffy that much, Pervy Pete! And I worry about your eyesight, because I’ve heard pulling your taffy too much can make you go blind! I’ll be there in about half an hour. I don’t know if that’s enough time to really pull your taffy properly, but I suppose you could try. I’ll see you soon. Make sure you’re all cleaned up before I get there. I don’t want you to be all sticky when you get into my car.”
Pervy Pete had time to pull his taffy a little before Ding Dong Joe arrived, but it wasn’t as fulfilling as it usually was. He liked to have plenty of time to pull his taffy. When he was rushed, he just went too quickly, and that could cause chafing.
HONK HONK! Ding Dong Joe pulled up in his Ford Probe.
“So where are we off to today, Ding Dong Joe?” Pervy Pete asked. It was a hot day, and Pervy Pete was glad Ding Dong Joe had the air conditioning on. Otherwise they’d get sweaty together, and quickly, too.
“Nothing special,” Ding Dong Joe said. “Just need to bring the Probe over for a full service lube. She’s getting a little worn-down and could use some special attention. How was the taffy? I’m glad you came!”
The drive to the service station was a quick one. Ding Dong Joe was really a masterful driver. He knew when to accelerate, when to slow down, and he really hugged the curves. He also paid special attention to any slick and sensitive areas.
“Hello, boys. My name is Richard, but my friends usually just call me by my nickname, Dick. Were you looking for a full service lube today?” the technician asked when they pulled in.
“Well, I don’t know,” Ding Dong Joe said. “I don’t like to just toss off my money. Tell me, how would you lube my Probe, Dick?”
“Well, first we drain your oil,” Dick said. “Your oil is usually really dirty. It needs to be released slowly, so it doesn’t splatter. No one wants dirty fluids splattered all over them.”
“No, that would be an inconvenience,” Pervy Pete agreed.
“Then we insert a funnel, and fill your car with clean oil, until it’s full to bursting. Nice, clean oil. Nothing better. Nothing a car likes better than getting all filled up with viscous fluids.”
“Great, what else?” Ding Dong Joe asked.
“We then check the air filter. Sometimes it’s clogged.”
“How do you know?” Pervy Pete asked.
“We blow on it,” Dick said. “I had to remind one of my techs last week not to suck! He almost got a mouthful of filth! If your filter is clogged, we replace it with a new one. Sometimes it’s a tight fit, but we work it around and ease it in there. It always fits, eventually. The hole’s a lot bigger than most people think. And it’s not like it’s going to permanently hurt the car. I always tell my clients, it only hurts for a minute! Ha ha!”
“These are all really good things,” Ding Dong Joe said. “I like my car to be well taken care of. What else?”
“We also have to lubricate the chassis,” Dick said. “That’s one of my specialties. I’m known as Ol’ Lubey Dick around here! I know just how much lube to give a chassis so it’s just lubed enough. You know, if you lube a chassis too much, it just gets too slippery to handle, and then that’s an accident waiting to happen.”
Pervy Pete nodded sagely. He knew about overlubing chassis. He’d made that mistake before. It had cost him dearly.
“We also check the pressure of your tires,” Dick continued. “If a tire is too full, it can burst. You have to make sure to release some air out of your tires once and a while. For the good of your tires. If you don’t, it can be disastrous. It also makes you cranky, and frustrated.”
Ding Dong Joe agreed. “Anything else, Dick?”
“Well, we like to check that your hoses are all coupled. Nothing sadder than a hose that’s not coupled properly. Sometimes you have to really push that hose into the port over and over, to make sure the coupling is working. Sometimes it’s successful after only a few minutes, but I have to be honest, sometimes it takes us hours. Those types of couplings always leave us really dirty, and sweaty, and kind of exhausted.”
“You go ahead and give my Probe the full service lube, Dick,” Ding Dong Joe said. “She’s worth it. She’s a good girl, and she deserves to be taken care of.”
“Don’t worry,” Dick said. “I’ll make sure you’re fully satisfied. None of my customers have ever complained about their full service lubes! They always breathe a sigh of relief when I’m finished working them over and get out from under them. They know I’ve done a good job. I notice they leave relaxed. Some of them even tell me they feel a little sleepy!”
Ding Dong Joe knew he had brought his car to the right repair shop. What personal one-on-one attention!
While Ding Dong Joe and Pervy Pete waited, they watched a program on the waiting area television about drilling for oil. They were fascinated by how deep the drill had to penetrate to get to the oil, and how high the oil would gush, once it had been reached. It really was fascinating, watching the probe move in and out of the earth so masterfully!
Pervy Pete was a little hungry, so he bought a HoHo from the lobby vending machine. The cream went everywhere when he bit into it. Oh, how Ding Dong Joe laughed, watching Pervy Pete lick the cream from his face and hands! What a mess!
Once the car was done, Ding Dong Joe paid Dick for all of his time and effort. Dick seemed satisfied by the hard day’s work he’d done with the Probe and the lubing. “Wow, Dick, it really seems like you enjoy your job here!” Pervy Pete said.
Dick laughed. “It really is the perfect job for me. Where else could I do such dirty yet satisfying work and get paid for it?” He looked around in a confused manner. “Now, my lunch was right here. Where could it be? Oh, man,” he chuckled. “Willie! Did you take my sausage and pepper sub again?”
One of the techs from the back laughed. “Yes, you caught me. You know how much ol’ Willie likes to play hide the sausage with Dick!”
The men had a good laugh about this very funny joke, and then Pervy Pete and Ding Dong Joe hit the road. Time for Pervy Pete to get home! His taffy was not going to pull itself!
When they got there, Ding Dong Joe sighed. “Pervy Pete, this has been so much fun. We should go on a road trip someday. What about that new amusement park that just opened in Kentucky?”
Pervy Pete thought for a minute. “Oh, the one in that little town between those two mountains? What’s that called, I saw a commercial for it the other day?”
“Hmm, the town’s called Beaver Lick,” Ding Dong Joe said. “Oh, that’s right. The park is called Beaver Lick’s Pleasure Valley!”
“We should totally go!” Pervy Pete enthused. “There were a lot of things to do on the commercial I saw. Mini-golf! I love getting the balls in the hole!”
“And tug of war! I love pulling and yanking on that firm rope,” Ding Dong Joe mused aloud.
“I think there’s baseball, too! Oh, it’s been way too long since I handled a ball, then got dirty stealing third, and sliding into home,” Pervy Pete said, his eyes shining with memories.
“There’s also a waterslide! There are these tubes, and they’re so warm and wet and slippery. You just squirt right out the other end! We’ve got to do it,” Ding Dong Joe said, a little breathlessly. “It’s not one of those things you just talk about. We’ve just got to do it, Pervy Pete. Just take a deep breath and dive right in. Let’s say next week.”
“We’ll have to bring protection!” Pervy Pete said, suddenly. “I mean, it’s summer, Ding Dong Joe. We could get burned!”
“Good idea, old friend. I’ll see you next week! Many adventures await!”
As Pervy Pete exited the Probe, one of his neighbors ran by. She was wearing very short shorts and a tight jogging bra. Her breasts were bouncing as she ran. She was breathing heavily, her mouth parted a bit. She was coated in a light dew of sweat and glistened as she ran. She saw Pervy Pete and Ding Dong Joe looking at her and smiled, somewhat seductively, as she passed.
“Ding Dong Joe?” Pervy Pete said.
“Yes, Pervy Pete?”
“Some people just don’t have any class, you know? So suggestive. So lewd.” Pervy Pete closed his eyes and shook his head sadly.
“Agreed, my friend. Agreed. There’s a lot to be said for subtlety. I’m really appalled right now. You look upset. You should probably go inside and calm down. Pull your taffy. That should help.”
Pervy Pete smiled. His friend knew him so well. “Do you want to come in and help me pull my taffy? It might help you calm down, too. And like you said earlier today, it’s always more fun with a partner!”
Ding Dong Joe laughed. “No. I think I’ll go home. I have some candy there. I think I’ll go home and suck on my sour balls.”
Pervy Pete was surprised. “You can do that? I always thought the logistics of it…people say it’s impossible!”
Ding Dong Joe smiled a sphinx-like smile. “Anything’s possible if you try hard enough, Pervy Pete. I’ve gotten to the point where I can suck on my sour balls all night long, if I have the notion to. You just have to build up the endurance. It’s great! I know people are judgemental, but there’s really nothing like it. Just a man and his own sour balls, you know?”
“You’re the best, Ding Dong Joe,” Pervy Pete said. “I know with you, you mean exactly what you say. There’s no reading between the lines! I feel a lot calmer after that vulgar display of sexuality.” He shuddered.
They laughed and waved as they parted ways, knowing that in a week’s time, they’d be pitching and catching (and of course squirting) happily together at Beaver Lick’s Pleasure Valley.