Well! Here we are again, oh minions my minions! (NO, I’m not getting on a DESK and SHOUTING that, don’t be crazy.) I was lucky enough to get MORE questions this month, and listen, that makes me happy happy happy. I like to answer questions. I don’t know that I’m overly good at it, but you all keep asking, so I keep answering. People in real life ask me questions, too, you know. I answer those, too. I’m like a question answering MACHINE. BAM with the answering of questions!
So, in case you don’t remember, here’s a quick rundown of what’s going on here. I don’t know if you remember such things, what do I look like, a psychic? Shit, wait, DO I look like a psychic? I didn’t even wear gauzy scarves to work today or anything. Dammit. ANYWAY, because the search terms posts tend to be was insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally (that’s yesterday’s post, in case you have goldfish-memory) and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I give advice, and I answer your questions, and it’s all very Dr. Phil without the baldness and weird speech patterns, but nowhere near as rawr-worthy as Anderson Cooper.
So, yet again!
Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.
Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!
These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And I can answer these questions! I totally can! I mean, I love to be helpful, no joke. I AM HELPFUL. What, are you arguing with me about my helpfulness? You are SO MEAN. How do you even get up in the morning, Meany McMeanerson?
Why was my antacid pulled off shelf 2012 Listen, this is actually kind of spooky, because did I even talk about this? There’s totally a government conspiracy or something about my Maalox.
So, I used to love Maalox. (YES, I realize I probably have an ulcer or something. I do have prescription Prevacid. But since I wasn’t getting reflux all the time, it seemed silly to take it every day.) I used to get a bottle of the quick-melty chew thingies and a bottle of the liquid, and they were the only things that a., worked, and b., didn’t taste like liquid death. But a few months ago, I ran out, and when I went to the store, NO MAALOX. Blank space on the shelf where it was supposed to be. So I was like, why the run on Maalox? And got some store brand crap that barely worked. Then when that ran out, I went back. STILL a blank spot! So I Googled it and NO ONE KNOWS WHAT’S UP WITH MAALOX. There’s like this public outcry and people are all conspiracy-theorizing (one guy was all, “this is what they warned us about with the Patriot Act – things can just DISAPPEAR without WARNING” and I laughed so hard thinking about a bottle of Maalox in a holding cell under the Pentagon or some such shit, all singing “Nobody knowwwsss….the trouble I’ve seen….nobody knowwws….my sorrowwww” and banging a tin cup against the bars of its cell. But seriously, I do find it weird that the spot for the Maalox on the shelf has been empty for so long, like it’s just waiting for the Maalox to come back, and there’s no news of it online, other than there was a brief recall almost a year ago. I mean, not CONSPIRACY THEORY LEVEL weird, but weird. And I miss my antacid. Come back, little Maalox. Come back! So, in brief, if you are referring to Maalox, questioner (I assume you are), I’m sorry, I have no answer for you, and neither does the entire internet. And it is weird. I blame Congress. You’re welcome, I miss Maalox too.
are you the frog or the scorpion Me? Personally? Shit. Um, well, I guess I’ve been both, depending on the situation and the day. But most days, I’m the…well, whatever creature it is that refused to give the scorpion the ride because she was mega-untrustworthy of the scorpion’s intentions because she’s been burned before by other scorpions that smelled good, like delicious cologne, and said nice things, and used semicolons correctly and knew how to spell “omniscient.” Tricky, tricky scorpions! I’m the – I’m the turtle. I’m the wise turtle who sits on the riverbank all, “Nope. Not today, Good Time Charlie. Go fool that dumbass frog. I’m going to hang out with this nonshady otter who FOLLOWS THROUGH ON HIS PROMISES AND DOESN’T STINK OF WEED.” So, to answer your question: neither. I’m the turtle. And if you’re asking what you are? You have to figure it out for yourself. Don’t be the frog, though. It only ends in heartbreak and drowning. You’re welcome, maybe buy some scuba gear.
Why is there a bad smell in my place Well, eek, I don’t know! Have you cleaned lately? Is there a dead thing in your walls? Do you have a plumbing problem? Are you storing dead bodies there, all Rose-for-Emily style? Do you live with someone with bad personal hygiene? Do you have a pet who pees inappropriately? This is very little information to go on. Also, it’s strange that this search brought you here. Now I’m worried there’s a bad smell in my place. Mostly my place smells like bananas. I really like bananas. I’m like a monkey with my damn bananas, seriously. So, to answer your question: I can’t answer your question. Track it down and spray it with some Lysol, damn. You’re welcome, Stinky McGrimy.
can an axle break on the road Now, that’s just a stupid question. Of course it can. I mean, I Googled it, just to be sure, because I didn’t want to be an asshole about it, but yes. Yes, of course it can.
I like to make up little mental stories about the people that ask these questions, and here’s the story I made up for you: your husband didn’t come home one night, and you were all, “YOU’RE HAVING AN AFFAIR!” and he was all, “Baby, listen. My axle broke on the road, and my cell phone battery died. I couldn’t call you and had to walk to the nearest house to call for help, and that took hours. I assure you I’m not bumping uglies with anyone but you.” And you PRETENDED you forgave him, but really, you still, on some level, doubted his story. So you came to your friend Google and you typed in “can an axle break on the road?” just to be sure, to be SO SURE, that he was telling the truth, and not boffing that slut Cynthia from accounting who wears those really low-cuts tops all the time. So, yes. Please let me put the shambles of your marriage back together. An axle CAN break on the road. However, a broken axle does not give you crabs. You’re welcome.
clever quotes about broken hearts Um. I don’t know how clever I am, honestly. And whenever I hear the word “clever” I think of the Reality Bites Clever-Clever Land quote. Oh, be quiet, I’m a child of the 80s and 90s, what do you want. ANYWAY, clever seems odd, especially about broken hearts. Why do you want to be clever about broken hearts? It seems like an odd combo, no? I mean, the cleverness?
But here, I found this on Google for you, because I am HELPFUL: “Promises and hearts are the same; they are both meant to be kept, and both usually end up broken.” Excuse me while I vomit. OK, I’m back. Was that clever? I don’t really know what constitutes “clever” or what constitutes “this makes me want to start self-harming.” Oh, I also found this: “Sometimes I wish I was a kid again, because skinned knees heal faster than broken hearts.” That ALSO makes me want to vomit and I am not sure it’s clever. Here’s the thing, and I’ll keep it brief. Broken hearts are real; broken hearts hurt like hell. But one day you wake up and it doesn’t hurt as much. And then a little while later, it hurts even less. And then a little while after THAT, it hurts even LESS. And then one day you look up and realize, huh, what was that guy’s name, again? Seriously. Back away from the ledge, Emo McGillicutty. It stops eventually. Even though, when it’s happening, all you want is your bed and to watch Love, Actually over and over and over.
It stops. I promise. If it didn’t, I wouldn’t be here. You’re welcome, go listen to some Hole or something.
does dunkin donuts have decaf iced coffee YES! Well, usually. Sometimes they run out and then they don’t brew more, especially at the location near my office. I think they should keep it on tap just for me, honestly. I buy it probably three times a week. And not the little baby cup, either. If I’m driving there, I’m getting the monster behemoth cup that makes you pee for like a month. So, yes. Yes, they do. Don’t even let them give you attitude about it. Now, McDonald’s, that’s another story. McDonald’s, at least the one near my office, doesn’t. So one time, they gave me hot coffee they’d dumped a ton of ice cubes in and were all, “…sorry?” and I was like, “this is not iced coffee, why didn’t you just say you didn’t have decaf?” and they were like “HAVE IT YOUR WAY!!!!” (Disclaimer: I made that up. I don’t even think that’s their slogan. I have no idea what they said, probably just “here’s your change, Nutbag Jones.”) You’re welcome, fellow decaf-drinker!
does the smell of bananas mean a seizure is coming Twitter told me no the one time I asked them. Apparently only the smell of garbage or burning mean that you’re about to seize up. So if you smell those things, be wary. But probably not if you work in my office, because the asshats here are always setting shit on fire or letting their food rot, so the place often smells like burning or garbage. Either that, or I’m always about to have a seizure. I’m not sure. You’re welcome. Also, probably stop typing epileptic symptoms into Google and see a doctor if you’re worried.
funny senorita names Are you asking like for really real? Like, do you think Juanita or Carmelita are funny? Or do you want me to make up a name, like Senorita Weisenheimer McBaggybritches? I like to do things like that. It’s kind of my thing. I nickname all the people. No, not for REAL. In real life, I hate nicknames, and am actually known for NOT calling people by nicknames, even if they want to be called by a nickname. My brother hates his Christian name and wants to be called a nickname. I don’t like that. So I refuse. So when I call him his full name (he doesn’t care if I do, I mean, I asked him, if he’d said no, I would have sucked it up and called him the nickname, because it’s just a shortening of his name, it’s not like it’s something offensive like Booger or Snatch or something) around people that don’t know me, they laugh and laugh and repeat it in a Little Lord Fauntleroy voice and he looks at them with a death-glare and says, “NO ONE BUT AMY IS ALLOWED TO CALL ME THAT” and then they’re afraid because he’s totally scary, no joke, so they stop mocking. This is off the topic. Anyway, you want funny senorita names.
There’s one above. Also, here’s another: Senorita Maria Cristina O’Houlihan, Esquire. That one’s funny because she’s Irish AND Hispanic. And a lawyer! HA! You’re welcome, your search term is vague.
how to look like a russian mobster Well, I guess a GOOD Russian mobster would be able to blend in anywhere, but to look like a STEREOTYPICAL Russian mobster, I’m thinking lots of jailhouse tattoos, a shiny suit, slicked-back hair, an accent, a scowl, and maybe a poorly-concealed handgun? But then you’d never get through airport security. Also, you’d have a hell of a time sneaking up on your prey. I’d assume a good Russian mobster would look like…well, anyone. Anyone at all. Could be the guy sitting RIGHT NEXT TO YOU RIGHT NOW. Eek! You’re welcome, wear your bulletproof vest to work tomorrow.
i have a crush on my coworker That equally sucks and is awesome. Awesome, because it makes going to work fun (and listen, who doesn’t want work to be more fun? Weirdos. Only weirdos.) Suck, because if nothing comes of it, it’s all heartbreak at the office. And that is the worst. Just the worst. I had a crush on a coworker once. It didn’t go bad or anything, I just eventually got over him, and then the office downsized and the whole admin staff got let go one day when we showed up to work, which was just a joy, right? Right! (Wrong.) But for the few months I was crushing on him, it was so much fun. I dressed up all PRETTY, in SKIRTS (I know! I WORE SKIRTS!) and I did my hair all cute and I was flirty and nice and he was seven flavors of adorable and I’d sit there and daydream about taking him to the loading dock and being naughty with him back there.
So, anyway, my advice? Probably let the crush go. Or don’t do anything about it until you move to another job. Because if it goes bad, you have to see that person EVERY SINGLE DAY. Ugh. That’s the worst. It’s awkward and weird and no one knows where to look and how are you supposed to be productive then? No good. Don’t do it, bub. You’re welcome. Keep your crushes out of your cubicle. (Or, even better: don’t shit where you eat.)
is it better to forget a friend rather than remember them Um. Well, this is a weird one. Do you mean, like, if they die? Or if they betray you in like a competitive eating contest? Or if you have amnesia? I am befuddled. I’m going to assume this means the friend is no longer in your life, for one reason or another, and it hurts you, so you’re wondering if you should try to forget you ever knew them. Here are my thoughts. Why do you want my thoughts? I’m thinking because YOU ASKED ME. Sort of. In a Google search. That brought you here. Forget them for a little while. While it’s still the hurtiest. When it’s not as raw, you can let the memories in, a few at a time. Then you’ll allow in more and more, and it’ll get to the point where you’ll be happy for the memories. Just my two cents, do with them what you will. You’re welcome. I’m sorry you lost a friend.
is it true that eating cucumbers before bed gives you nightmares? Well, I’m going to assume not. Andreas says there’s some sort of “if you eat cheese before bed you’ll get nightmares” fallacy going around but it’s not true. And Andreas is my Science Fellow, so you need to listen to him. Or don’t, but it’s really at your own risk. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. He’s a smart man, if you ignore him, you’re just being a dummy. So, no. Eat all the cucumbers you want.
But they’re gross, and if I had my way, no one would eat any cucumbers EVER. They make me disgusted, seriously. I even think about cucumbers and I gag a little. Gag. Gag, gag. You’re welcome, have some cake or something, because I’m not kissing you if you taste like cucumbers, but I’ll totally kiss you if you taste like cake.
is my family stupid? Ha! I don’t know. Are they? You could give them an IQ test, or something. Set up little mazes with food rewards at the end, see if they could solve them. But honestly? They’re your family. Stupid, smart, whatever, they’re your blood. As long as they aren’t abusive, just try to grin and bear it as much as you can. You only get one family. You’re welcome. Hee! Little family-mazes!
is there a real superman Um. I…um. Like, with the superpowers and the changing in the phone booths and the tricking everyone with his glasses? Like that? I don’t…are you serious right now? There are people who go around being vigilante superheroes. People say things like “wow, what a Superman” about other people when they’re super-strong or whatever. But, no.
No, there’s not an alien child from Krypton going around saving the day. There are a lot of people who do a lot of good things in the world, though. So, they’re kind of supermen. I guess. You’re welcome? You’re really confusing right now.
scare a robin who is bashing into our window Ha! Awesome, I can totally answer this one, thanks to Rich, one of my commenters and a very intelligent man, and Jim, who makes me laugh like a moron on a daily basis. So, if you remember, my dad was totally getting divebombed by a fighty robin. Jim sent me this link, which explained why, and Rich sent me a message telling me that the best way to get rid of it was to hang ribbons outside the window, which would flutter in the breeze and scare off the bird. Both Jim and Rich are smart men. LISTEN TO THEM QUESTIONER. You’re welcome, I’m sorry about that jerky bird.
what does “burn that t-shirt” mean It means “take a shirt made of cotton, or possibly a cotton/poly blend, and set it alight with flames.” You’re welcome! Don’t do that inside, you’ll burn down your house!
what does loyalty taste like WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP ASKING THESE QUESTIONS. I assume they’re for doing your homework with? It tastes like CHEATING ON YOUR HOMEWORK USING THE INTERWEBS. You’re welcome, think for yourself, babe.
what kind of porn do normal people look at Pregnant midget porn. You’re welcome, Spanky.
what to do if you failed in my time of need *I* failed you in your time of need? Shit, I’m a total asshole. I’m sorry. I didn’t even know you were HAVING a time of need! Did you tell me? Did I ignore you? Oh, I just feel terrible about this, what a jerk I am. I think what you should do is FORGIVE ME, because I am VERY BUSY. Oh, wait, are you using the royal “you” and you’re not really referring to me? RUDE. OK, so you want to know how to deal with a friend who failed you in your time of need. Pull on your big-girl or big-boy pants and talk to your friend. If you can’t resolve your differences, the friendship is over. If you can forgive each other, move past it. Easy as a hooker on the day the rent is due. You’re welcome.
what was the prehistoric life of sugar gliders like? BEFORE THE DAWN OF TIME…IN A WORLD WHERE SUGAR GLIDERS GLIDED FREE AND DINOSAURS ATE ALL THE GREENERY AND WERE TOTALLY GASSY…listen, I don’t know that anyone knows this. I don’t think there’s like a History of Sugar Gliders Through the Ages book or something. Assume they’ve always been adorable squishy-soft and leave it at that. You’re welcome. Don’t adopt a sugar glider, they’re way too delicate.
There! Whew, don’t you feel so much more helped? I know you do. You are WELCOME. Until next month, may your questions be answered and your searches bring you to someone who is helpful. NO, not Dr. Phil. ME ME ME ME ME.