Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:
Well, here we are in late May. It is kind of summer, actually, even though it SHOULD be still SPRING. I love spring. It could be spring all year long, as far as I’m concerned. But, no. It’s already humid and I have crazy-person-hair and also I had to turn on my AC. But that’s not why we’re here, now, is it? Nope. We are HERE because you keep a’searchin’! And not a’findin’! What it is you’re a’searchin’ for! ZOMG you are JUST LIKE A U2 SONG YOU GUYS.
Now, I seem, through no fault of my own, to continually get new readers. I know! Is that not the most cuckoo-bananas thing you have ever HEARD? Please let me welcome you to crazytown; I had snacks, once, but they’re gone. I think Ding Dong Joe ate all the snacks. I sent someone on a provisions run like three months ago but they never came back so I think they stole my money AND my car, dammit. Anyway, in case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the eleventh one. As you can tell from the title. Search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Self-absorption? Colossal laziness? Because one time, my momma told me I could be ANYTHING I WANTED and when I told her I wanted to be a star, she said, SHOOT FOR THE MOON, BABY? I don’t know, pick an answer, they’re all equally likely.
The search terms this month were kind of bland-ish, I guess. Except a couple made me laugh and laugh. So thank you, laughter-inducers. I appreciate how hard you tried. You win a GOLD FREAKING STAR. What, you can’t actually HAVE the star. It’s a METAPHORICAL star. It’s not REAL. Gah. Calm DOWN already. Oh, FINE, here is a star you can have.
So ANYWAY, instead of addressing you all individually, which would be really a little lengthy and overkilly, I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups. Oh, stop complaining, no one likes a whiner. Remember that gold star I gave you? I’ll totally gank it. Don’t think I won’t.
Category the First: Are you planning a murder? Bad idea, son.
arsenic poisoning from campground in canada
Now, I was all, was there an ARSENIC poisoning? In a Canadian campground? I get a lot of these searches. I am the go-to for arsenic poisoning, apparently. Someday you’ll see me on Law and Order as the expert witness in arsenic poisoning, probably. But I looked it up? AND COULD NOT FIND SUCH A THING. You know what that means, right? Someone is PLANNING an arsenic poisoning in a Canadian campground. This is really worrisome. Also, wouldn’t it be really obvious if you poisoned someone with arsenic while they were camping? I mean, you’d be the only one around, wouldn’t you? Makes the suspect list pretty short. One person, actually. YOU. Don’t do this, ok? Great, thanks.
Category the Second: Pervy Search Terms, ick-a-doo
can i call you daddy slut
christian women are sluts
fabio porn meme
game of thrones porn
have you ever coca cola bottle dildo
OK, so overall, not as gross as in the past, but still, pretty ick. Also, there’s a Fabio porn meme? Did I tell you all that BFF totally MET Fabio? Yep. I saw a photo and everything, it was the best. He’s reading, he always does. BFF, I mean. Not Fabio. BFF! When you met Fabio, did you ask him about this mysterious “porn meme?” You should have, I think he’d have really liked that.
UPDATE! BFF has totally given me permission to put in THE PHOTO OF HIM WITH FABIO. So you all get to NOT ONLY SEE FABIO, but you get to see my gorgeous BFF. Are you ready? This is monumental, you guys, no joke.
Also, “animalsex” all one word like that makes me laugh, and I’m not saying I wouldn’t watch Game of Thrones porn. I mean, if Jaime was involved. And I’m confused about the wording of the first one. Do you want to call the slut “daddy?” I…well, go, you, busting down those gender walls, I guess?
Category the Third: Curiouser and Curiouser
big old sexy.com
blog letters from men who watch
dirty words to the wheels on the bus
funny god is like a …
impregnated by a dream
sho me wate hapen to dick
stupid saying american saying get off of
Big old sexy.com! The sexiest dot.com to ever dot.com! Men who watch…television? Lawn jarts championships? Jets take off? WHAT ARE THEY WATCHING? I have TOTALLY been thinking of dirty words to “the wheels on the bus” all day. Want to hear some? Sure you do. “The hootchies on the bus go strip, strip, strip! Strip, strip, strip. Strip, strip, strip! The hootchies on the bus go strip, strip, strip! ALL THROUGH THE TOOWWWWNNNN!” Funny god is like a…WHAT? Why don’t you people FINISH WHAT YOU START? I don’t think you were impregnated by a dream, babe. Even Mary was awake when the ANGEL OF THE LORD popped a magic baby in her, you know? “sho me wate hapen to dick” is completely incomprehensible, but also awesome. Did something happen to Dick? Sheesh, I am totally worried about Dick right now. ARE YOU OK, DICK? Also, help me out, people. What’s a “stupid American saying” starting with “get off of”? All I can think of is “get off of my ass” but that’s not really a SAYING, is it?
Category the Fourth: Famous people are famous
alan rickman truly madly deeply Ooh, yes, please. Man, I love this movie. Rickman is just perfection. Also, cello. *sigh* I do so love a man who can play a cello.
And my most popular celebrity searches this month:
Ben Wyatt (2) My Ben Wyatt searches have calmed down! I think this is because you people have realized HE IS MINE. (Or I just didn’t blabber on about him so much this month.)
Benedict Cumberbatch (3) You still can’t have my Cumberbatch.
Zak Bagans (11) FOR THE LOVE OF PETE STOP SEARCHING FOR ZAK BAGANS HERE. YOU’RE GOING TO GET A RASH.
Category the Fifth: Things that made me snort-laugh.
“rescue 911” “too scary” YES. It TOTALLY was. SO EFFING SCARY. I used to be SO SCARED of this show! People’s ARMS would just COME RIGHT OFF! And KIDS always had to rescue them while they were waiting for the ambulance! NO NO NO SHOW.
andreas’ “throwing a someone off a railroad trestle” psychopath test Dude, Andreas is FAMOUS. That whole TEST is now named after you, Andreas! Please don’t forget the little people when you’re getting your award for having solved psychopathy, ok? This is great. The whole internet knows Ken is a bon vivant because I broke the story HERE ON THE BLOG, and now everyone knows Andreas is the one to go to when you have psychopath testing questions. I’m so excited. I’m totally on the cutting edge of journalism over here. WHERE will I put my PULITZER, I wonder?
animally armadillo And the winning word of the day: animally.
asthma thingamabobber whatsits The runner-ups: thingamabobber and whatsits. (Psst, if you didn’t die while waiting to find out what it’s called? It’s an inhaler. Hope that helps.)
badass gorilla pics Not just AVERAGE gorilla pics. BADASS gorilla pics. I’ll do my best to oblige.
dick trickle I KNOW, you’re all, “euphemism!” but, as we learned in my post about the Wonder Cave, IT’S REALLY SOMEONE’S NAME. I know! The funniest name! (Whenever I laugh about this guy’s name, Dad’s all, “THAT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY AMY DICK TRICKLE IS AN AMERICAN HERO WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?!?!?!?”)
fatal attractions hyena killed old lady Was the woman fatally attracted to the hyena? Like in the movie? Did she tell it she wouldn’t be IGNORED, Dan? If so, she got what was coming.
full service lube filled with innuendo I feel like this search was put here just for Ken. See, Ken loves when things are an innuendo? Even when they’re not an innuendo? Innuendos, or even things that seem like they MIGHT be innuendos, fill him with whimsical glee. So when I saw this, I laughed and laughed. KEN! This one is for YOU! You can make up innuendos about “full service lube” ALL DAY LONG! It’s like a naughty national holiday, just for Ken! And lube shops, I guess. Oh, FINE, and pervs.
i hate it when i’m studying and a velociraptor throws ZOMG ME TOO! Wait, throws what? Throws…up? Throws…things at you? Throws… a curve ball? Throws…the big game so you lose the rent money you bet on the sure win the velociraptor was going to garner? Hee, velociraptor.
interwebs please I imagine this being said like “bitch, PLEASE” all sassy and shit. Interwebs, PLEASE.
listen, listen babe, suzie i’m going to need my thomas the tank engine I don’t…I seriously have been giggling about this for the longest time. It starts like someone flirting, it ends like a child is talking. IT IS AN ENIGMA.
puma flies like a moron Effing moronic flying puma.
random lion No, NOT a specific lion. I WANT A RANDOM LION.
Category the Sixth: No no no. NO.
creepy clown gets paid to stalk your children WHAT IN THE ACTUAL HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. Not ONLY why would you search for this, WHY WOULD YOU LET IT ENTER YOUR BRAIN AREA. I am so freaked out by this right now. I hate you and I hate your ass-face.
Category the Seventh: Things I am proud to be known for
Helper mule (2)
Sneaky fuckerism (4)
I will ALWAYS be pleased to be known for both of these things. Thank you, interwebs. If I die unexpectedly, NEVER FORGET ME, and also make sure these are on my tombstone. Also, don’t let the mortician put whore-lipstick on me. Or hump my dead body.
The guy who wanted someone to hook up with him, eat his crabmeat, and stomp on his son’s toy train set like he was Godzilla (but please don’t break it) (2)
Wow, this one came out of nowhere this month. But, since you wanted it, here, it’s still one of my favorite internet things ever made. Heads up, it’s not UNsafe for work, but I wouldn’t be looking at it all BIG, or anything. (OH CRAP. Jim! This guy is IN YOUR STATE!!! Do you know him? Is he like your lawn care technician or something? I imagine you having a lawn care technician. BECAUSE YOU ARE FANCY. And also I imagine that Pennsylvania is small enough that you know everyone, apparently. Like a private school.)
Protocol for dealing with Facebook friend requests from people who bullied you in high school (1) Oh, babe. I know. Sucks, right? Delete those assholes, mark them as spam so they can’t contact you again, and forget they exist. That’s what I do. I mean, sure. Some people have accepted them, forgiven them, moved on, it’s all very kumbaya circle-jerk around a fire at summer camp, and if that works for you, you’re a better person than I am. But me? I burned the bridge, then I salted the earth, then I moved away so I didn’t have to smell the dead foliage. Whatever helps you sleep. I’m so sorry.
Category the Eighth: Thanks! I try so hard, you know?
u made my friend laugh so hard she started to cry
That makes it all worthwhile, you know? I’ll strap on the clown-nose for you and do a silly dance. I have a huge need for attention. Who doesn’t?
Category the Ninth: SO MAD
asshole hit my car
my whore girlfriend has toxoplasma gondii
Whoa, so much angry! I hate the asshole that hit my car, too. I get it. And what’s up with your girlfriend having brain parasites? Why does that make her a whore? Or did the two have nothing to do with one another? This is an odd search term. Like, the beginning is very angry boyfriend, and the end is very sciency. Ooh, The Hulk totally did this search term!
Category the Tenth: Actually made me think. Good one, searcher!
class clown related to intelligence
Yeah, I’m thinking yes? Because you don’t meet a lot of unintelligent comedians. They WANT people to think they’re unintelligent, sometimes. But usually, their brains are always working. It’s hard work, being funny. The funniest person I know in real life (my uncle, if you must know, NOSY) is also one of the most intelligent. So, yes. I’m saying yes on this one. Unless your class clown’s idea of humor is pantsing. Then, no.
Category the Tenth: I told you guys this was a good idea. I TOLD YOU.
realistic mothers day cards
thanks for not aborting me Mother’s Day card
thanks for not aborting me kepping it real mother’s days poems
Look! People WANT these cards, you guys! THERE IS A NEED FOR THEM!!!!!
Category the Eleventh: Ken, I’m so sorry, I think Goldblum’s found you
goodboy… goldblum… goodbye… i’m sorry, i’ve never been good at saying goodbye.
This sounds like a movie line, but when you plug it into Google? Nothing. (I’m the third result. THE BON VIVANT STORY IS THE THIRD RESULT. I WIN INTERTUBES.) So, if it’s not a movie quote, and it’s not Ken (I feel like Ken would be funnier than this) then I think we know who it is. Goldblum. And he’s found his old nemesis, Ken. Dammit. Ken. I’m so sorry about this. I should have taken better precautions. Watch your back. I’ll send you some throwing stars. And Dumbcat. He’s got totally sharp talons.
Well! There we go! What did we learn, jellybeans? I’m pretty sure nothing. INTERWEBS PLEASE.
Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.
(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)