I want to marry a turtle. When can I marry a turtle?

I’ve been majorly slacky. I totally fell into an internet black hole tonight. Like, I had this whole PLAN of writing this POST then vegging on the COUCH with POPSICLES and then I was all, “I haven’t read my people’s blogs today and commented” and “I haven’t replied to MY comments” and TWITTER IS SHINY and oooh, this video oooh that video and the next thing you know hours have passed and nothing is written. And there is my Saturday night, ladies and gentlemen: cat videos and Tumblr posts and chatting on Twitter. I’ll be here all week, tip your waiters.

(Please note that there were no cat videos. Not that I’m anti-cat videos, but tonight it was actually the Neil Gaiman graduation speech? So then I watched that and cried and cried. It was that awesome. Oh, you want to watch it? FINE. It’s awesome, you should watch it. It’s twenty minutes long, so be prepared, but if you are involved in the arts in any way at all, it’s just brilliant. Also, don’t even blame me if you cry. I totally warned you.)

OK, I’m in kind of a weird mood tonight. So, what goes good with weird moods? WEIRD NEWS. Don’t even tell me that I don’t know how to theme my blog with my moods, I can do that like a BOSS, yo.

So we have penguins, alien conspiracies, and asshole hipsters. What do you want first? What? You don’t care? FINE. I asked Dumbcat. That’s what you get when you aren’t decisive. I had him choose by writing the names of the possibilities on paper and then taunting him with the paper and whatever one he angrily bit first with his gigantic saberteeth was the winner. You know, if they chose Academy Award winners like this, the show would be a lot more watchable. Who do I talk to about this?

Dumbcat says (via his angry teeth) that we should talk about alien conspiracies first. Who am I to argue with Dumbcat?

OK, so, this is totally worrisome, I’m not going to lie. You should probably all start making those tinfoil hats now.

Aw, look at my Joaquin before he became a looney! I love him so much!

A woman was walking on the beach in California. She saw pretty beach rocks! And, as you do, she picked them up and put them in her pocket. She then went home and started making dinner.

That’s when the rocks SPONTANEOUSLY LIT ON FIRE AND SEVERELY BURNED HER.

“The woman tried to stop, drop and roll but was unsuccessful in getting the flames out, Stone said.

“Her husband also tried to help and got second-degree burns when he tried to pull the shorts off, Stone said. The rocks, described as small, the size of a hamburger patty, smooth and orange and green in color, fell from the shorts onto the floor and continued to burn the wood floor and fill the house with smoke.”

THE FLAMES WOULDN’T GO OUT, YOU GUYS. No matter WHAT they did. Also, they BURNED THE FLOOR.

Then – get this, get THIS! – “‘I talked to the paramedic who treated her, and in his 27 years in responding to calls near the beach, he’s never seen this,’ (Orange County Fire Authority Captain Mark) Stone told the Register. ‘The rocks were still smoking when firefighters took them to the hospital.'”

Well, you know what those are, right? ALIEN SPACE ROCKS. I mean, there can’t be any other explanation, can there? SPACE ROCKS. Sent here from ALIENS to KILL US with SPONTANEOUS SHORTS-FLAMING.

These are the actual alien space rocks. They even LOOK suspicious, don’t they? Like they’re trying to PASS as beach rocks, but failing miserably? Like a 30-year-old narc in a high school, or something?

Also, one of the rocks was the size of a hamburger patty? But you were still carrying it around? I would have taken it out of my pocket when I got home, a burger-rock like that, right? Suspicious. It’s like that rock was controlling her with MIND BULLETS.

Also, I think I know who’s in on this. Captain Mark STONE. Rocks. STONE. Coincidence? I DON’T THINK SO. He’s hiding in PLAIN SIGHT. This is bad, you guys. Oh, this is SO SO BAD.

Oh, wait, the article goes on to say the rocks were for some reason coated in phosphorus and that’s why they spontaneously combusted. But honestly, we know better, don’t we? I mean, it’s not like rocks just coat THEMSELVES with phosphorus. ALIEN SPACE ROCKS. DEATH AND DESTRUCTION.

Now, the last two paragraphs are very telling:

“San Onofre State Beach is in San Diego County near Camp Pendleton, a Marine base. A military spokesman told the AP that the base is trying to determine whether military material might have contaminated the area.

“‘There is phosphorous that naturally occurs on the sand at the beach, but no one has ever heard of pants catching fire,’ Stone told the Register.

So, ALIEN SPACE ROCKS or maybe MILITARY TESTING. These are both equally distressing and signs of end times. Also, “no one has ever heard of pants catching fire”? I know who has. Liars. Liars have totally heard of pants catching fire. So who’s the liar here? Obviously not the aliens. They’re keeping mum. Probably not the burn-victim lady or her family. I’m blaming the military. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING MILITARY. I’m on to you! You can NOT hide from me. I am TOTALLY the MOST DETECTIVEY.

OK. Next, Dumbcat says talk about hipster assholes. OK, Dumbcat. OK.

This morning, Ken, (wait, this transition makes it look like I’m calling Ken a hipster asshole, keep reading, that is not what’s happening here) who is bon vivanting it up in Texas (this works much better with my circadian rhythms, Ken, you can stay here forever as far as I’m concerned, ok? I like that you’re awake roughly the same hours that I am, so I don’t wake up and I’ve missed ALL THE GOOD THINGS) was watching some good ol’ Merkan television with his breakfast. As you do. Which led to this:

So (I mean, after I was all, “KEN BACK AWAY SLOWLY FROM THE TV”) you know when I got home I had to look this up. Sometimes I like to see if there’s any truth behind what’s on Fox News. It’s a game I play with myself called “truth? half-truth? slight grain of truth? Or completely out of left field like the time Bill O’Reilly said that same-sex marriage was the next step before people could legally marry turtles?”

What, you think I’m making that up? Nope. (For the love of Pete, don’t watch this whole thing. The turtle talk starts at 3:08. Start watching maybe at 3:00 and turn it off once the Stepford twins and Shouty McIll-Informed stop talking about terrapin matrimony. Anything more than that, you’re risking permanent brain damage.)

And, well, what do you know, old Fair and Balanced was more truthier than normal today.

Apparently, organic food kind of turns people into assholes. Who knew?

According to this article, people that eat organic food tend to be less apt to help others who need it and more judgey of people. This is supposedly because they feel they’ve already done their good deed for the day so they don’t need to do any MORE good deeds so they can go around and be all judgey-judgey and “what the HELL you eat TWINKIES I would NEVER put that GARBAGE in my PRECIOUS PIEHOLE” and still feel good about themselves.

“Organic” also means “Snooty McSnoot Snoot,” I guess. Huh.

I liken this to the douchecanoes who are all, “I don’t even OWN a TV” or the asshats who are all “Huh, The Hunger Games? I don’t know about that, I only read LITERATURE” or the toolbags who are all “Ugh, you still SMOKE? That’s so REPULSIVE, I quit YEARS ago using a combination of hypnosis and ostrich semen.”

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS OR I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE JUDGEY BRAIN AREA.

Also, I get organic food, I totally do, I appreciate the idea behind organic food, but as a poor person, I can’t afford it. So I get the poor person vegetables that are all coated in poison or whatever. I haven’t died yet. I mean, I suppose I might. We all do, eventually. But I don’t think it’s because of poison vegetables. And now I don’t want to eat them even MORE because who wants MORE of a reason to be an asshole? I sometimes am a total asshole, I have to admit. If I ate these vegetables, what if I was a constant asshole? No thanks, organic vegetables.

Finally: let’s talk penguins. Dumbcat says it’s ok if we talk about it now. Thanks, Dumbcat. Much appreciated.

Why the hell didn’t you people tell me about Penguin 337? I’m very disappointed in all of you.

So, Penguin 337 (too young to know the sex! so only has a number!) is a wee Humboldt penguin who escaped from the Tokyo aquarium in March.

This is what a Humboldt penguin looks like. Cute, right? Stylish!

Want to know how? Here:

“…scaled a rock wall 13 feet high and squeezed through a barbed wire fence to escape its harborside aquarium in March.”

WHAT? Why didn’t you people think I would be interested in this escape artist penguin? This is AMAZING! A 13-foot wall? A barbed-wire FENCE? This is one rebellious little penguin! I think I love him the most of all the penguins!

So a couple of days ago, Penguin 337 was seen FROLICKING all FREE and HAPPY in Tokyo Bay! He or she isn’t even skinny or injured! He or she is JOYOUS and LOVES LIFE SO MUCH!

Look, here’s Penguin 337! Frolicking! He or she is the Free Willy of penguins!

And listen, when they asked the director of the Tokyo Sea Life Park why they thought little Penguin 337 escaped, what did he say?

“Sakamoto attributed its flight to a sense of adventure.”

All hanging out! Having a good time! Being a free spirit!

A sense of ADVENTURE, you guys! This is the best penguin ever. This penguin has WHIMSY and DERRING-DO and CHUTZPAH. I LOVE this penguin. He or she and I would be the BEST of friends. With the adventuring and the bon viva…wait. WAIT. This penguin is TOTALLY the penguin version of Ken the World-Traveling Bon Vivant. ZOMG YOU GUYS. Think of the adventure Ken and Penguin 337 could have TOGETHER. I think we’ve found our next installment of Ken, the World Traveling Bon Vivant (with a jaunty hat.) I’m not saying I’m WRITING that anytime soon. You do realize those things take me DAYS, right? Right. But just think about how awesome it will be, when I actually DO write it. I’m kind of bopping around on the couch at the moment, you have no idea.

Goodbye from Penguin 337! You will be hearing from him or her soon, when he or she has an ADVENTURE with Ken, the World Traveling Bon Vivant!

(Ken wants to know if Penguin 337 drinks tea. WAIT AND SEE, KEN.)

OK. I have to go to bed. Because it’s late, and Saturday Night Live is NOT HOLDING MY ATTENTION. I know! It’s totally disappointing. Although Twitter’s keeping me entertained. Thank you for being the best, Twitter. I love you more than pudding.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

24 responses to “I want to marry a turtle. When can I marry a turtle?

  • sj

    I love the random posts so much. I also like that our minds work in similar ways, because often I’ll have comments to make forming in my head, ONLY TO DISCOVER that you say what I wanted to say in the very next sentence.

    Like the liars having pants on fire.

    Happy (lazy?) Sunday! <3

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Hee! I saved liar-liar-pants-on-fire for last because it made me giggle. :)

      I wish today was lazier, because I am FEELING lazy, but I’m on my way out the door to see “Hairspray,” then when I get home I have to finish tomorrow’s post and watch Game of Thrones. Not that watching it is a burden or anything. It’s swoon-worthy. Especially with the Jon Snow/Ygritte delicious flirting happening right now. Rawr.

      Like

      • sj

        I am so not caught up on Game of Thrones, but I’m kind of cool with that. I will eventually indulge in a MAJOR MARATHON, but who has the time for that?

        After all of the insistence of most of the people I know, I finally started watching True Blood, but I can only really manage an episode a day because I have to wait until everyone is in bed. [sigh] Eventually I will find the time to watch all of these shows that I know I need to get around to.

        And the movies.

        And read all the books.

        Like

  • lahikmajoe

    I’m observing Fox News for science Amy. And for the fair and balanced thing. I want to get all fair. And balanced. All of that.

    ‘Huh, The Hunger Games? I don’t know about that, I only read LITERATURE’…uh, that’s kind of me. I know I’m a bad person about that, but literature that everyone else likes is normally not for me. I read the first Dragon Tattoo Vixen book, but just couldn’t get into it. Oh, well.

    Will have to check out the Gaiman clip when I’m not on my way somewhere. I think I’ll savour that one.

    Thanks again for all your blogging goodness. You really do well here.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      You were already fair and balanced. Don’t mess with a good thing.

      You’re only a bad person about it if you’re judgey. And you’re not. Judgey. That I know of, anyway. You might be secretly all judgey, but I don’t think so. I’m thinking as long as no one’s hurting anyone, you don’t care what we’re reading.

      You will love the Gaiman speech. I thought of you while I was watching.

      Aw, you. You’re always so welcome. Thank you for reading. It’d be a lot less fun without you here, you know?

      Like

  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    I choose a mix of organic and non-organic, based on cost and what I THINK makes the most sense. Hopefully not enough to make me more of an asshole than I was before organic was a normal grocery store thing.

    It was only a matter of time before the earth found a way to fight back. Naturally occurring combustible rocks shouldn’t surprise us that much, I think.

    Penguins, as always, are superb! Especially adventurous bon vivant penguins.

    Like

  • Samantha

    I absolutely loved the Neil Gaiman speech. I laughed a lot and some really good food for thought. Wow.

    Penguin 337 is probably my favorite penguin ever. And they’re just so adorable in the first place. Even the spelling of the word penguin brings up squee-worthy cutesy connotations. YAY PENGUINS!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Yay! I’m so glad you liked it. Wouldn’t you have been so inspired if he was your graduation speaker? I know I would have been.

      Penguin 337 is the best. He’s so tricky and fun! I love all the penguins, but especially Penguin 337!

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Hah! I’m going to have to use the phrase “I quit YEARS ago using a combination of hypnosis and ostrich semen” as often as possible in the future!

    Like

  • Jericha Senyak (@JerichaSenyak)

    I’m way more careful about being a high-and-mighty I-buy-organic jerkface after reading The Omnivore’s Dilemma and learning all about how Big Organic totally makes evil use of our utter conviction that anything labeled “organic” comes from the backyard of a nice old lady who has a tiny little idyllic farm with red checked curtains in the window and gathers everything by hand each morning.

    Also, you know who else is guilty of I-did-my-good-deed-therefore-I-can-now-be-a-doucheweasel-with-impunitity-type behavior? People who drive hybrids, that’s who. They’re all like, MY CAR IS CLEAN AND YOU ARE A BAD PERSON BECAUSE YOUR CAR IS NOT AND THEREFORE I HAVE THE RIGHT TO CUT YOU OFF AT ALL TIMES.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      YES. Agreed on both counts. I watched something (a news special? I don’t remember now) about how “organic” doesn’t mean what people think it does, but heavens forfend you try to tell someone that. They get SO MAD.

      And yes yes yes on the hybrids. Sure, I’d like a hybrid. Who’s going to buy me one, though?

      Like

  • lazyboo

    A penguin with a sense of adventure… that makes my heart happy. I hope that Penguin 337 is a tea drinking boy penguin who has his bon vivanty adventures with Ken and then goes to NY to settle down with Roy now that Silo has abandoned him.
    Also, I like Dumbcat’s priorities. Saving the best for last.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Wait. Silo abandoned Roy? Is that TRUE? Now I have to go research this. I think I’m more upset about the possibility of this than I am about people I KNOW breaking up. Oh no!

      Like

      • lazyboo

        HE TOTALLY DID! I was devastated. He went and started a family with a female penguin a while back. Which completely soured my love of that story, I get upset every time I read it to my son now.

        Like

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