Just the bare necessities. Bear necessities? Both. Either. Whatever.

Happy Friday! It’s going to be local news day today. Sometimes it needs to be local news day, because the weird shit starts piling up, and I need to tell someone about it. I HAVE HUNDREDS OF SOMEONES.

Here’s a funny thing and not at all on topic ARE YOU AT ALL SURPRISED. Even though I’ve mentioned this blog on Facebook a number of times, most of the people I know in real life apparently don’t pay any attention to what I say on Facebook (which is actually really telling, don’t you think? My Twitter people know if I’m in a bad mood based on the nothing but the tone of a 140-character tweet while my Facebook people, who know me in really real life, don’t even know what I’m up to even if I SPELL IT OUT FOR THEM? Just an observation) so when I mention something about my blog to them, they look at me like I’m insane or maybe making it up.

Typical conversation (please note, I don’t often bring UP the blog, unless the conversation has organically steered itself to it; it’s a huge part of my life, but I don’t want to be THAT GIRL, who’s all I HAVE A BLOG MOMMA LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME, you know?):

Friend: Your what?
Me: Blog. I have a blog. That people read. And comment on.
Friend: YOU DO?
Me: Yes.
Friend: Strangers read it?
Me: Yes.
Friend: Like, more than five?
Me: Yes.
Friend: How many. How many strangers.
Me: I don’t know. A few hundred?
Friend: Total? Like, ever?
Me: Daily.
Friend: WHAT? Why do you have a double life?
Me: Because I’m Maxwell Smart, or maybe Superman? I don’t know. I’ve mentioned this on Facebook a number of times.
Friend: YOU HAVE?
Me: Yep.
Friend: WHAT?

This sometimes goes on for a very long time and makes me a little squirmy. I’m not sure if the squirminess is because they don’t believe someone like ME would have that many people reading my blog, or because I’m not comfortable bragging. I have a very old-timey “we don’t brag about ourselves” ethic going on. Like, it’s ok to be PROUD of oneself, especially if you did a lot of work for something. But BRAGGING about it is in bad taste. If someone compliments you, it’s ok to take the compliment, but then you change the subject because that’s skating into bragging territory. I know. I’m a throwback, especially in this day and age. It’s just uncomfortable. And it smacks of needing attention. If you DON’T beg for it, and you get applause for something, it means a lot more. Think about it. What compliments mean more, the ones you get organically, or the ones you had to pry out of someone? Well, obviously the former, right? The unsolicited ones? This is a tangent within a tangent. Are you so so frustrated right now?

I’m not really going anywhere with this, other than every time this happens, it never fails to be awkward. I feel like I’ve been hiding this secret identity from people when I really haven’t. I promise I’m not hiding my top-secret blogging identity from you, people. And if I didn’t think you all would get totally bored and annoyed, I’d post my posts to my personal page. I don’t know, it just seems weird to mix my real life and my blog life that much. Does that make me a total weirdo? It’s ok if it does. It wouldn’t be the first time.


OK, there’s a lot of craziness happening here in the ol’ Capital District lately. Let’s talk about two things. What do you want first, naked ladies or bears falling from the sky?

Probably you want naked ladies but you have to wait for those. Bears come first.

The Albany bear! Or, at least, one of them. (All photos totally ganked from the Albany Times Union. I AM NOT A THIEF. Don’t arrest me, Times Union.)

OK, so! Starting on May 1, we started seeing all the black bears here. We live in a nice area that’s got both city and country, so sometimes we see wildlife. It’s not uncommon. I see deer in the parking lot at work sometimes because the parking lot abuts some trees. I always smile when I see those deer. Wildlife make me happy. I also see a lot of squished wildlife. Raccoons. Things that I think are woodchucks but after they’re squished just look like brown piles of ick. Skunks.

But we don’t see a lot of bears.

Since May 1, there have been four black bear sightings in the areas surrounding my town. No one’s quite sure if these are four separate bears, or if these are the same bear and he just travels, or what’s up with the bears. Bears have been in Albany, Schenectady, North Greenbush, and Guilderland. None of these are my town, specifically, but they’re all within 15-20 minutes away.

THIS IS VERY EXCITING. I’ve never seen a wild bear! Only ZOO bears. I want to see a bear!

According to the news, bears are on the move because these are adolescent bears and their moms have kicked them out of their basement and told them to get a job, slacker. So they’re looking to stake a claim of their own and maybe find a lady-bear of their very own to do their laundry and let them come home drunk at 2am and get some nooky. (When I told my dad this story, he said “that’s typical liberal behavior. Of COURSE those bears are heading for Albany. THOSE ARE LIBERAL BEARS.”)

So the most recent bear was in a tree in someone’s back yard, and at first, the DEC was all, leave him ALONE, he’ll come down when he’s READY, only he was as lazy as Dumbcat and he wasn’t going ANYWHERE. He was all napping and shit. He was stretching out all long and yawning and being adorable and he was totally the dirty hippie of bears. So the DEC decided, once all the people showed up to rubberneck and take photos, that it was time to tranquilizer dart that bear and move him along to somewhere less peopled.

He’s saying, “Where’s Amy? I want to hang with Amy. I WAS PROMISED AMY.”

So they shot him and once he fell out of the tree there were many mid-air photos of that bear falling like a sack of wet hair. FLOP. Sleeping bears fall HARD, you guys. But don’t worry! That bear was FINE. He fell in the leaves. The DEC was all, “DON’T WORRY WE DID NOT HURT THE LAZY BEAR.”

Look at him flop out of that tree! He’s like a sack of laundry, that bear. FLOP.

Here, if you want to see all the photos, you can click. Also, you can follow the Capital Region Bear on Twitter.

Now, after I had written the majority of this post, a NEW article went up on the Times Union site. It was the SADDEST. So, this one bear (not THIS bear, another bear) was captured and released far away. Then, like the cat, it came back. Then, captured. Sent farther away. IT CAME BACK AGAIN. Guess where it showed up? The campus at the University at Albany. THAT BEAR WANTED AN EDUCATION, YOU GUYS. But the DEC was all, NO, BEAR, you DON’T NEED NO EDUCATION! YOU DON’T NEED NO THOUGHT CONTROL! And the DEC killed it because it was not able to be rehabilitated. They said was one naughty bad-news bear. Aw! Bear! I’m going to drink a 40 tonight and pour a little out on the ground for you. All you wanted was an education. And maybe to join a fraternity, and drink too much out of red Solo cups, and eat Denny’s at 3am. It’s ok, bear. We all wanted that, at that age. Well, not the fraternity part, I can’t help you with that, bear. That’s just bad decision-making skills. But you didn’t need to DIE for it, bear. I’m sad about this. That poor bear, yearning for book-learning.

Listen, bears! I am not far from where you’ve been hanging out, and I have MANY TREES in my back parking area. They are TOTALLY BEAR FRIENDLY TREES. Please come and visit! I will give you bear-things! Like…um…honey? And I have some berries in my freezer I will thaw for you. And…shit, what else do bears like. Fish? I WILL BUY SOME FISH FOR YOU, BEARS. I think we will be the best of friends. Also, I won’t tell anyone you’re here, because otherwise, the DEC will either relocate or kill you. I’ll hide you, bears. This will be like a Disney movie only with more cussing and there won’t be a princess or a love interest because those things are stupid. Just me and my bear, yo, hanging out and having some berries.

OK, bear time is over. Now it’s time for BARE time. Bare NAKED time, that is. Like that? That’s how you know I’m a really truly serious writer, with the segues like that. You can’t buy THOSE in a store. (Like that? That’d be my new catchphrase if I had a kicky single-gal comedy.)

Yesterday, a woman in Ballston Spa (that’s up by Saratoga, where the pretty ponies race in the summer) walked into the Curtis Lumber (which is exactly what it sounds like, a hardware store/lumberyard) and she was bucky-ass naked, yo.

This is security footage from the Curtis Lumber with her jiggly bits blurred out. I told my dad about this and he was SO MAD her jiggly bits were blurred out. He thought it was a government conspiracy.

She walked around like it was fine, and asked people what time it was, and told people to have a nice day as she left.

“’No one wanted to say much to her,’ (Curtis Lumber manager Bob Eakin) said. ‘It’s not a situation you want to be involved in.’”

Aw, poor Bob Eakin. You come to work at your job, which is probably not great, let’s face it, you manage a lumberyard/hardware store where the logo is a weird anthropomorphic house, and then a lady walks in and she’s all naked. What do you DO? Well, Bob Eakin decided, NOT TODAY, LADY. And ignored the situation. He didn’t even kick her out. He just let the naked lady wander around all naked until she was done shopping.

Anthromorphic things like this are a little creepy, yeah? Yeah.

Here’s my question. If you’re going shopping naked, is a lumberyard/hardware store really your best choice? I guess you thought either more men would be there to see you, or you’d stand less of a chance of being kicked out? Or maybe she just really, really needed a hammer, like one of my my Facebook friends said today? I don’t know what is happening with this decision process.

Then she went across the street to Stewart’s. Stewart’s is a local gas station/convenience store chain. I like Stewart’s. They are friendly and have good ice cream and iced coffee.


While at the Stewart’s, one of the employees chose to engage the naked lady in conversation.

“’The manager said, Ma’am, are you aware you have no clothes on? She was kosher and cool about it, and the manager told her she needed to leave,’ said a Stewart’s employee, who only identified himself as Terry.”

This conversation is one that I would pay COLD CASH MONEY to have been privy to.

“Ma’am? Are you aware you have no clothes on?”

“Ma’am? Are you aware you have no clothes on?”
“*I* have no clothes on? *You* have no clothes on. This whole *Stewart’s* has no clothes on!”

“Ma’am? Are you aware you have no clothes on?”
“Yes. And are YOU aware you have TOO MANY clothes on?”

Also, “she was kosher?” People still say that? I wasn’t aware. It sounds so silly. Stop saying that, people who still think this is a thing. STOP TRYING TO MAKE FETCH HAPPEN. FETCH IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

So then she left the Stewart’s (two things: a., I like to call it “THE Stewart’s,” much as I like to call Kmart “THE Kmart” or Walmart “THE Walmart” because it makes me sound like a hillbilly, and b., I hope she got one of their iced coffees, they really are stellar) and the cops picked her up (I don’t know, were they following her car? How’d they know where to find her?) and questioned her to see if she’d lost her mind or was off her meds or whatever. Here. I’ll let the Times Union tell you the rest, it’s the best.

“By the time the Saratoga County Sheriff’s Office picked her up, she had her clothes back on, Eakin said.

“Murphy said she is charged with public lewdness, a misdemeanor.

“‘While the defendant claimed she was merely expressing her freedom to be fully liberated by walking nude into Stewart’s and Curtis Lumber, this alleged conduct is actually a crime under the penal law,’ said Murphy in a statement. ‘Surprisingly, mental health found no psychiatric issues whatsoever.’

“Lafleur was released pending a future court appearance in Ballston Spa and could face a maximum of 90 days in jail if convicted, Murphy said.”

OK. Let’s take this one step at a time.

I like the word “lewd” because it sounds like what it’s describing. You have to draw it out for maximum effect, though. Lewwwwwwwd.

I know someone with the last name Lafleur. He’s like the least crazy person ever. I certainly hope he’s not related to this person. Or, if he is, I hope he talks to her and gets more info on this situation, because I AM SO EFFING CURIOUS WHAT IS UP. No, that is NOT a euphemism.

“…expressing her freedom to be fully liberated by walking nude into Stewart’s and Curtis Lumber” makes me laugh so hard I snorted a little. THAT’S how you celebrate your freedom? Don’t you listen to country music? Freedom isn’t FREE, lady. Also, it’s not even the fourth of July yet. Yes, it was hot as balls Tuesday and sticky and disgusting, but wear a damn tank top and some shorts or something, come on.

“Surprisingly, mental health found no psychiatric issues whatsoever.” You know when that statement was made, the words “surprisingly” and “whatsoever” were emphasized to the maximum. Possibly with ALL CAPS. She wasn’t looney. Just naked. SHOCKING.

Also, Jim makes me laugh like a moron.

I was going to mention the irony of “penal code” being in this article, but Jim did it for me. Thanks for doing the heavy lifting today, Jim. Much appreciated.

So we’re all about bares and bears here in the Capital Region! We like both animals and nudity, apparently. Oh, and homophones.

(Oh, psst, Ken made it to Merka all in one piece. I don’t know about you all, but I’m pretty jazzed about this development. It’s like you could feel the awesome quotient of the country go up about 90 kabillion percent late yesterday afternoon. Welcome back to Merka, Ken. I’m so excited you’re here. Have so much fun bon vivanting.)

Happy Friday, beautiful people! Have a fantastic weekend. Oh, and keep your clothes on if you need lumber or iced coffees. You can take them off for other reasons. Gallivanting. Tomfoolery. Flimflammery. We’ve discussed this on Twitter and decided it was alright. And hey, watch out for falling bears? Great. Love your faces. Bye bye bye.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

30 responses to “Just the bare necessities. Bear necessities? Both. Either. Whatever.

  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    I love this blog! One never knows what awesome goodness will be presented each day, but one always knows it is AWESOME GOODNESS! You always make me laugh (well, except for the sad & serious blogs, but that’s ok, because they are still AWESOMELY GOOD), and I so enjoy hearing about what’s going on in your corner of the world (and, sometimes in your brain – which, no, really isn’t THAT abnormal! ;-)

    I don’t often comment, but, I’m here, every day (one of your ‘hundreds’ of internet people), reading your AWESOME GOODNESS. Thanks for writing!!


  • blogginglily

    Early on THAT was my biggest problem with facebook: people I knew didn’t talk to me. Early on THAT was my biggest surprise with twitter: people I didn’t know talked to me.

    But UNlike you. . . I SOLVED THE PROBLEM!!! I deleted my facebook full of friends that I knew, and started a new facebook that was comprised ENTIRELY of twitter people and blog followers! FUCK YOU real people! That is what I said.

    There’s this girl at work who is a chemical engineer. She’s very smart, but sorta. . . “young”. And yes, she’s young (24ish) but she’s YOUNG. VERY naive, very innocent. So I mock her all the time at lunch. She’s like the target for mockery.

    We were talking about bears and she said (she’s from Ohio), “There are no bears in Ohio.” And I stopped talking to whoever I was talking to because that’s what I DO when I smell blood in the water and I got very snarky and questioned this informal census by her on the bear population of Ohio. And I mocked and made sport as assholes will.

    We talked about how ridiculous it was that the bears stopped at the Pennsylvania line and wouldn’t cross, because, you know, “no bears in Ohio”.

    I checked online for the bear population of Pennsylvania. It was somewhere around 15,000.

    At this point she’d submitted .

    Then I checked the bear population of Ohio. There were like 60 bears. 60 bears in the state of Ohio, and 15,000 in Pennsylvania??? How does that even work. And then the mental image of bears actually stopping at the state line and saying, “NO. . . no bears beyond this point” seemed less unreasonable.

    I apologized. Because although 60 bears is not “no bears”. . . it’s WAY the hell less than I ever dreamed given that one state away 250 times that number lived.

    So anyway, that’s what I thought of when you told your bear story.

    Is it stupid that I read your story about the naked lady, and, having already forgotten it was you to whom I tweeted that, was getting ready to type “heh. . . penal code. . . heh” into your blog comment.

    I’m sleepy.


    • lucysfootball

      You have won Facebook. It’s true. But I like having the real people there, too. I just wish it could be…less of them? I guess? Like, you know how there are some people you have to friend because otherwise it’s awkward, like, say, a family member, or a friend, or whatever, but they just post crap and “please repost” and you just end up hiding them and it’s all a big waste of time? I hate time-wasters.

      I am perplexed about this 15,000 vs. 60 thing myself! And bears not being allowed in Ohio makes me laugh out loud. I like the idea of bears on a family vacation and they get to the state line and they’re all, “shit. This is Ohio. We can’t go in here. TURN THE CAR AROUND, KARL.”

      The girl at work knows you’re just picking on her and not being mean, right? Aw. I feel bad for her.

      I am so excited about your walk tomorrow. You are going to win it SO HARD. Kick ABOARD’s ass, Jim. FOR THE CHILDREN.


    • Heather

      But…we don’t have bears in Pennsylvania. You must have gotten that information from Wikipedia. *snickers*


      • blogginglily

        Pennyslvania is filthy with bears. FILTHY. At least once a week some housewife/husband is taking pictures through the kitchen window of some bear eating his garbage and then animal control comes in and ‘relocates him’, probably to New York where they kill him.

        Amy, I read your most recent blog and listened to Neil’s talk. He has such a calming voice. I listened to a few of his audiobooks, “Coraline” and another one. . . I can’t remember the title. He does them himself. He’s good at it. He must just imagine he’s the sort of guy who can do audio books since he does them so well.

        I’ll have to do a walk update tomorrow! I took many many twitter pictures. They had location tags on them, and I was so excited that I’d be able to plunk them down on a street map and show everyone where we went and what pictures I took. . . but I don’t know how to do that.

        Why am I commenting your new blog here? Why?


        • lucysfootball

          I can’t wait for a walk update! I went through your timeline like a total creepy stalker when I got home Saturday and looked at your photos. So many people, Jim! I had a few tears. Your team with all their Lily shirts! Aw! *sniff*

          FILTHY with bears made me giggle.

          Neil Gaiman is one of my favorite famous humans. I love his work, and I love him. He’s wonderful.

          You’re commenting here because you’re a wild horse that refuses to be tamed, Jim. REFUSES!


  • lahikmajoe

    I’m reading this while sitting in an old-fashioned restaurant in Columbus, Texas. You’ve made my lunch much more entertaining.

    Thank you for that.


    • lucysfootball

      I looked up your restaurant. You went to a German restaurant. In Texas. I think you’re doing Texas wrong, Ken.

      I’m glad you enjoyed! We missed you yesterday when we were talking about the naked lady. You always like the naked lady tweet-a-thons.


  • Rich Crete

    Hey! Hey! Hey! Guess who is all-of-a-sudden-cause-I-have-no-idea-why showing back up in my reader feeder? Did you guess you? If you did, you win!!!!! If you didn’t, that wasn’t a very good guess, try again.
    You have a few hundred readers per day? What a coincidence. I have a few hundred readers every few months…..maybe I should post more stuff about naked ladies.


    • lucysfootball

      Oh, yay! Well, that’s good! Weird, but good! I wonder what was happening? Huh.

      The days that I post either naked lady stuff or weird sex stuff? More than a few hundred readers. Yep. It’s definitely worth a shot. :)


  • sj

    I really hate that I can’t embed photos in your comments. Why? I can do it on mine! Why does your blog hate me? This would be way funnier if you didn’t have to click on it. :(


  • lazyboo

    You know, I get in trouble every time I ready one of your posts because I always end up laughing like a crazy person, and then my partner is all “What are you laughing at?”. I’ve given up replying. There’ll be a brief pause, and then she’ll be all *sigh* “It’s that Amy person again, isn’t it?” and I’ll nod sheepishly. A 100% accurate blow-by-blow description.

    I was enjoying the mental image of you hanging out with your bear friend, all sitting among the carpark trees with defrosted berries. I’m a little disgusted that they felt the need to kill that edumacation bear though. Couldn’t they have caught it and placed it into a secure wildlife park somewhere? With a library. And the option of sitting for its SATs. Would that have been so hard?


    • lucysfootball

      Hee! Don’t get in trouble with your partner. But that totally makes me smile. That’s an awesome compliment. Thank you! :)

      I don’t know why they didn’t send the bear to a zoo or something. Maybe zoos only want bears born in captivity? Or this type of bear isn’t fancy enough? It was kind of sad. He just kept coming back! He loved it here! I get that, because I love it here, too! I would keep coming back if someone relocated me! Aw, bear. *sniff*


  • elaine4queen


    you can’t be that girl. BECAUSE IT’S ME!


    • lucysfootball

      Ha! You are not braggy about it at all. You advertise better than I do. I probably SHOULD advertise more, but I get weird about it when it comes to my real-world people. Probably because they just don’t care that much and I get tired of telling people about something when they’re so meh about it.


      • elaine4queen

        at least you have the fb fan page thing up and running. i have made a start, but am predictably flailing about. i need to get the ‘like me on fb’ button.
        do you have your blog go through to your fan page automatically or do you paste it in by hand? stupidly, i have mine going to my personal one, but i have FORGOTTEN how i did it. gah!


        • lucysfootball

          I have it automatically set to post – you can do that on the publicize link on the left over there. It lets you decide which of your FB pages to send it to (or Twitter, etc.) Easy as pie!

          FB’s up and running but I think I’m doing it wrong. I should do MORE on there, but I often forget all about it. TOO MANY THINGS GOING ON!


          • elaine4queen

            meh, it’s a tricky business, but at least we are writing regularly, or – you are. at least i am writing often.

            and we do do social media. i know lots of people who would benefit from being more into it, but just aren’t. what can i say? dinosaurs. they will all get zapped in the next rapture, probably.


  • elaine4queen

    also – i call THE tesco “mr tesco’s” because i think it is FUNNY EVERY TIME.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I bet a good few of your non-clicking readers clicked the link to the bare-naked lady article. I know I did.

    Also, in the photo it looks like she’s wearing a body suit – I’m not convinced she was actually naked. (Yes, I studied the photo closely.)


    • lucysfootball

      I think she had to be naked – too many people reported she was (the cops, the employees, the patrons of the store, etc.) We’re good at governmental coverups here, but not THAT good. :)

      I should check how many people clicked on that link. Wait. I’ll check. Only 2! I guess very few people care about the naked lady.


  • Jericha Senyak (@JerichaSenyak)

    Okay. So the truth of the matter is that I read the whole bare naked lady section with a particularly odd feeling. This is because I am a professional artist model, and I spend more hours naked in a given week than most people do clothed, and also at least 50% of the people I interact with beyond “Hello Mr Shopkeeper I would like to buy this bacon” or whatever see me naked MORE than they see me clothed, to the point where more than one of them has passed me on the street without recognizing me because I was not naked.

    And, well, in all honesty, I worry probably a disproportionate and unreasonable amount about accidentally forgetting to put clothes on. I mean, I have those dreams that everybody has about going-to-work-without-pants and whatever, only other people realize and are horribly embarrassed in THEIR dreams, whereas I just shrug and think “huh” in mine. So that lady up there? Could totally be me.

    (So far the closest I have come is this: I put a whole portfolio of paintings and drawings that had been done from my poses on my website, which I designed & built myself and am very proud of. I sent the site link to my dad, who is a computer person, so he could admire my whiz skills with HTML. I got a very, very concerned email from him in which he worried about my need to “display myself in public” and whether I was looking for the wrong kind of attention and what message I was sending and…would you believe I FORGOT THERE WERE NUDIE PICTURES OF ME? See, that’s how not-a-big-deal nudity has become to me as an artist model: I FORGOT TO TELL MY DAD ABOUT THE PICTURES OF ME NAKED. Of course, they’re not SMUTTY, they’re ART, but still. Fortunately he DID believe me, and he laughed a lot and was much less worried about my pleas for internet attention after that. But still, I feel guilty.)


    • lucysfootball

      That lady could never be you. Because look, at least you THINK about it. She was either on the losing end of a bet, or doing it as some sort of political statement.

      Hee, your poor dad! He’s MUCH cooler about it than my dad would be. Mine would be all, “MY EYES MY EYESSSS” and probably get me committed.


      • Jericha Senyak (@JerichaSenyak)

        I just mean when I saw the picture I had a sort of sinking feeling, like ummm, Jericha, that could very easily be you…are you sure you remember putting your clothes on last time you went to the hardware store?Now go put your clothes on dammit.

        And yeah, my dad is awesome. I think he probably thought OH GOD MY EYES MY EYES but just had the kindness not to say it.


  • Kelly Naylor

    I’m pretty sure if I was going to shop naked (which I would NEVER do, because I don’t want to be responsible for the blindness caused by my pasty white vampire-like skin), I’d totally go to Stewart’s and get me some of their Sweet Black Cherry ice cream, which is the best ice cream on this planet. And then I’d eat it right there IN THE STORE! Of course, being vegan — because I’m super duper lactose intolerant, nay! Lactose bigoted! — I’d regret the ice cream eating decision several hours later. Gosh, I miss being able to eat their ice cream.


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