Who wants to learn some new talents today? Everyone? Awesome, this’ll be perfect, then.

I think we need to learn some new things today.

It’s Monday, we’re all “blah blah blah BACK TO EFFING WORK,” and I don’t know about you, but that’s cranky-town. And in order to get us all out of our cranky moods and also out of our ruts, let’s learn some new things!

Now, I’d love to teach you a new thing, but the things I know aren’t all that interesting and aren’t going to cheer us up all much. I could teach you how to do theater stuff, but honestly, how helpful is that going to be for most of you? It’s not like you just stumble into a theater. Or, well, I guess you might. But I can’t imagine how likely it is. Or, I could tell you how to extricate a very stupid fat cat from an afghan he’s gotten himself tangled in without him freaking out and ripping you to ribbons with his razor-sharp claws. But, do you think you’d have a use for this awesome information? Probably not, unless you run across Dumbcat in an afghan emergency. Which happen on a regular basis. I know. It’s worrisome.

So then I thought, where better to learn new things that will appeal to a BROAD SPECTRUM of people than the interwebs? So let’s check out what wikiHow has to offer us today. Because, as it has shown us in the past, wikiHow is VERY VERY SMART. And gives EXCELLENT ADVICE.

First: we are going to learn how to deal with something VERY VERY IMPORTANT. How to deal with gross people on the bus.

HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOUUUUU? You are on the bus and the person sitting next to you starts PICKING their NOSE? What? No? That’s never happened to you? Yeah, me either, but apparently it happened to the person who wrote this on wikiHow. And how do you know it WON’T happen to you someday? You don’t, is how. And listen, this exact thing might not have happened to me, but once I was on the tube in London and the man sitting next to me had really hardcore porn inside his newspaper and you could see it, reflected in the window behind him? And also his lap was rustling suggestively, which meant either a., there was a squirrel in his pants, or b., he was pleasuring himself on public transportation? But when my friend and I realized what he was doing, we (being drunk at the time) got the giggles so badly we started laughing so hard we cried so then he was not able to finish his business and sat there in a sad stony silence for the rest of the ride? What does that story have to do with nose-picking? Nothing, it just makes me laugh.

So apparently, here is what you are supposed to do if you have to sit next to a nose-picker. Probably you could use these rules if you have to sit next to a masturbator, I suppose. Or a mouth-breather. I don’t care, do what you want. I don’t know your life.

First: try to tune out the nose-picker. Play with your phone, if you want. My thought is, maybe you could get an app for your phone that flashed things on the screen like “Why so gross, icky?” and then when he looked at your phone (as people always do) he would see that, and think, “Maybe I should stop being so nose-picky?”

Then, always sit on the aisle and not inside. Apparently because it’s grosser to be squished against the window by someone with booger-fingers.

Next, ask them to stop. Now THERE’S a fun convo. “Sir! I notice you are nose-picking/riding along with your hands down your trousers in a lewd manner/breathing heavily through your mouth like a monster from the Black Lagoon. Could you cut that shit right out? It is HARSHING my BUS-BUZZ, yo.” That should work like a charm. Do that. Do that all day long.

If that doesn’t work, start chatting with them. Chat them right up! As it might distract them from the nose-pickery. Here are some topics I’ve come up with for you, in case you need them: the global market; “better dead than red” – does it still hold true today?; are you a tarantula or iguana person?; how ’bout them Sox. (No need to specify which Sox. There are a lot of Sox. They’re sure to like one of them.)

You can also move seats, but only if it’s SRS BSNS, you guys. Otherwise, suffer it out with nose-picky. No, I don’t know why, either. wikiHow didn’t specify.

Also, CAUTION CAUTION, when talking to the gross person, do not TELL them they are gross. It might offend them. FOR THE LOVE OF PETE DON’T OFFEND THE NOSE-PICKER. He or she might cry. Creating more boogers. It’s the CIRCLE of PHLEGM.

OK, now that you know how to do this, what do you want to learn next? What’s that? You think your life is a dark and dreary place and you want to learn how to be more creative? BAM. wikiHow can HELP. And who can’t use a little more creativity in their lives? I’d like to be more creative. I’m SOME creative but I’d like to WIN creativity, who wouldn’t?

This is going to be us. The MOST creative. Whoo!

OK, let’s get to it. This is going to be awesome.

  1. Rearrange your house. Um. I don’t think this is an auspicious start. My house doesn’t take well to rearranging. Because it’s the size of a storage locker where you’d keep your dead body collection. So there are only so many places you can put things, really. This isn’t conducive to creativity. Mostly this would just make me feel poor and sweaty. Wait, poor, sweaty people…artists…same. Hmm. Might be something to this after all. Moving on.
  2. Go for a long walk and pick up twigs, rocks, scraps of paper, etc. OK, so go garbage picking. That’ll be nice. Al Gore will like that I’m cleaning up the planet. Good.
  3. Sit down in front of the television with your garbage and paint them, write about them, glue them to paper, etc. OK, first, the television’s going to distract me from my new awesome creativity. FAIL. Second, why am I gluing garbage to paper? What am I going to do with my garbage-collage? The only one of these that worked so far was the poor and sweaty thing, and that was almost by accident.
  4. Doodle all the time. Yeah. My boss will LOVE that when I’m supposed to be working on spreadsheets.
  5. Wear something different, like a scarf or orange nail polish. Well, I have orange nail polish. I have ALL THE COLORS of nail polish. But orange makes me look weird, so can I wear blue? I like blue. Or green. Also, scarves make me look affected, and I always worry I’m going to end up like Isadora Duncan. Unless it’s cold. Then I wear scarves like a boss.
  6. Read and write reviews of the books. “The” books? What books? What’s with the weird out-of-place “the”? And, I already do this. I work on a blog where that is what we DO. Among other awesome things. ALL the things. So, I win this one.
  7. Keep a diary. I write a blog, close enough, I think.
  8. Go on a hike for inspiration. Why are you OBSESSED with me WALKING? Also, I don’t think a hike would inspire me. I think it would make me need a nap.
  9. Sing and dance. Sometimes I do this. It scares the cat.
  10. Play dress up. With WHAT? It’s not like I have a random dress-up trunk just sitting around waiting for me. This is not daycare.
  11. Leave friendly inspirational notes around your town or workplace. Saying what? “Please stop treating your administrative staff like garbage, also you smell like flowers today, gorgeous?” No.
  12. Watch musicals and plays. YES I WILL THANKS.
  13. Write poetry. DO IT ALL THE TIME CHUMLEY.
  14. Blog. WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER.
  15. Garden. Where, in the parking lot? Can’t. Thanks for reminding me, though.
  16. Make a movie. Try claymation or animation. Oh, I can’t imagine that would end well. Clay would be a mess and I can’t draw, even if you gave me something to trace. Bad, bad idea.
  17. Play an instrument.I tried once. I failed. I don’t think I have one of those brains. What about a triangle? I think I could play a triangle like a winner.

    I’m pretty sure I’ll be so good on this I could go on a tour. A triangle TOUR!

  18. Bake a cake. Well, ok. That doesn’t seem especially creative to me, though. More like work, really. But if you tell me I have to, I suppose to can. Who wants cake? I sure as hell can’t eat it.
  19. Take pictures. Meh, I’ve tried. I’m not overly good at that. Mostly things are blurry or too-far-away.

OK, this wasn’t very helpful. Sorry, all. Useless. We’re not winning creativity at all. I’m so embarrassed. One more, then? Sure.

HOW TO OVERCOME YOUR FEAR OF CLOWNS. Oh, this is going to be helpful. Who likes clowns? No one. Who is afraid of clowns? Everyone. ESPECIALLY ME.

  1. Make a list of why you are afraid of clowns. OK, fine. They are scary. They want to eat your face. They hide their killer-faces behind makeup. One time at the circus a clown made me come up on stage and sang “I Found My Thrill on Blueberry Hill” to me and I was only twelve and he was totally leering at me the whole time and it was the WORST. Also, Stephen King’s It. The book and the movie.
  2. Understand that clowns are just humans dressed up in silly costumes. Sure, except when they’re serial killers dressed up in silly costumes, or maybe demons.
  3. Look at photos of people dressed as clowns, then visit the circus and try to laugh at the clowns instead of being afraid.WHOA NELLY. When did we go from making clown-lists and imagining that clowns weren’t killers in makeup to HANGING OUT with clowns? There’s no in-between step? This is total immersion clown therapy. I’m not at all in favor of this, nor am I ready. BAD NEWS WIKIHOW.

    SO MANY EFFING CLOWNS MAKE IT STOP.

  4. Remember, it’s ok not to like clowns, but you shouldn’t fear them. Well, that’s all well and good, but I’m going to laugh like a moron when a clown eats you with its clown-fangs and claws you with its razor-sharp clown-talons.

There are also some important tips, like “Remember, killer clowns in movies are just meant to scare you; if a movie were about killer telephones, it would be just as scary” (WTF NO IT WOULDN’T) and “if you don’t overcome this you’ll never be able to go to the amusement park with your friends and your quality of life will not be as high as it should be” (MELODRAMATIC MUCH?!?!?) and also, “if after this article you still suffer from coulrophobia, you need professional help.” Can you even imagine going to a therapist for fear of clowns? They would laugh and laugh. I think I’ll be ok. I’ll just avoid clowns. Thanks, though.

Are you so helped and have you learned so much? Great, good, wonderful. So glad I could be helpful today. Best of luck to you! Have fun with your newfound talents! This has been like going to college, only so much less expensive!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

23 responses to “Who wants to learn some new talents today? Everyone? Awesome, this’ll be perfect, then.

  • sj

    You will probably like me less for this, but back in my forum haunting days, I always gave myself a scary clown theme for Hallowe’en. Avatar, signature banner, the works. I know. I’m sorry.

    Like

  • Rich Crete

    and the winner in the category “most blatant usage of silent letters” is…..phlegm! (Unless you use the alternative Monty Python spelling Phl3egm, then that wins for the additional silent 3.)

    A good creative sign to put up around town could be:
    Need to feel better about yourself? Call (your #) and have your credit card ready. Not only will you feel great for giving, the BEST part is there will be no high pressure salesperson on the other end, sad music or guilt inducing story. We will NOT EVEN ACCEPT donations larger than $10. (per card) It’s quick and easy. So no worries! Just call now. YOU”LL FEEL GREAT!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I think I would be arrested for something if I did that. Like…oh, I don’t know. A Ponzi scheme? Is that a Ponzi scheme? I have no idea what a Ponzi scheme is, but that sounds like it might be one. I don’t want to go to jail! They’d never let me tweet and blog from jail!

      Like

      • Rich Crete

        A Ponzi scheme is where you take other people’s money and promise it’s invested but it’s really just spent. This would be nothing other than asking people for money without ever promising to do anything other than spend it. Think about all the people you could make happy by allowing them to give to you. AND everyone will know you’re not greedy because of the $10 per card max.
        (But if you are arrested, leave my name out of it, will you?)

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          Oh, good, I’m glad it’s not a Ponzi scheme. OOH! Maybe it’s a FONZI scheme. Ayyyy!

          That’s what a Ponzi scheme is? Wow, that’s shady as hell!

          Like

          • Rich Crete

            Yeppers. Here’s BRIEFLY why Madoff was so good at it:
            He’d take 10 guys and get each to invest $10 mil. He’d spend $90 mil but then kick $1 mil back to each investor and tell them that was a dividend from their money. Since no bank can make these guys a 10% return (more like 2%), they told all their friends and ……voila.
            That’s an over simplification for the sake of brevity but basically how it worked.
            Sorry. I know that’s boring. I’ll quit now.

            Like

  • lahikmajoe

    I did the HOW TO OVERCOME YOUR FEAR OF CLOWNS, but it must not’ve worked because I wasn’t afraid of clowns to begin with. Who’s afraid of clowns? What’s wrong with you?

    Like

  • ProfMomEsq

    Yes. I’m finally here at my computer. The commenting shall commence.

    Here’s the problem with reading you on my phone. I have a LOT I want to say to you after I’m done reading, because you always write the best stuff. But, I can’t, because my phone is the crap-wagon of commenting devices, and the stupid app that WordPress put out is useless for commenting on other people’s stuff (and more or less anything else). So, then I have to wait until I get home. I’m an old lady now, though, and the noggin’s not as revved up as it used to be, making me forget shit. I have to read the whole post again (which is actually fine, because it’s good, and sometimes I missed stuff on the first go). This helps me remember (mostly) what I wanted to say. But, you know that feeling you get when you leave the house and you’re not entirely sure whether you unplugged your curling iron / clothes iron / coffee pot? That’s me. Right now. Still …

    Clowns. Hate them. I have no idea how someone’s bad acid trip became some sort of thing, but it needs to stop. Forthwith. (That’s what a $100,000 law degree will get you. Fancy words like forthwith, heretofore, ergo, and a fortiori. I know. Not worth it.)

    Playing dress up. The key to this, I think, is living with someone of the opposite sex. A … friend … told me.

    Making a movie. I have an idea for this. Actually, it was Ken’s fault suggestion.

    Hiking for inspiration. The only time I’ve EVER been inspired to do anything on a hike running for my FREAKIN’ life when a rattlesnake wandered into my path. So ixnay on the ike-hay.

    Baking a cake. Why a cake? What’s so special about cake? Why not a pie? Why not cookies. Those things are good, too, right? Maybe some creme brule? And why does it have to be sweet? You can bake savory stuff, too. Quiche springs to mind. The person who wrote that article needs more help with creativity than his/her readers. Hmmph.

    Finally, I share this: you are not alone in sitting near/next to the icky guy on the bus/train. I made the mistake once of taking a Greyhound bus ride from S.F. to Eureka. (I was 19. Don’t ask.) About an hour into the trip, I heard a deep voice say, “Pssst.” And, like a dorkwad, I turned around. And then I understood why the phrase “brain bleach” was so perfect, and I wished with all my young soul that it was a real thing.

    If I forgot something, I will live with it, or my comment will be longer than your blog post, and that’s really saying something. :-)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Ken encouraged you to make a movie? Well, this can’t end well. He’s a terrible influence, that man.

      Buses bring out the pervs, no joke. I have never dealt with more creeps than when I was in college and had to take city buses to get around. I learned the term “frotteur” back then. I was much too young to know that term. Yet I knew it. BECAUSE IT HAPPENED MORE THAN ONCE. UGH UGH UGH.

      Like

  • elaine4queen

    in reverse order

    2. no to clowns.

    1. nail varnish. i had a very strong dream the other night that i was twins and that one of me murdered the other me’s boyfriend. it was quite dramatic. during the dream i noticed i was wearing ink blue nail varnish. i have never considered this colour for nails before, but now i am on a MISSION.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I have ink blue polish. A few of those, actually. It’s one of my favorite colors. Actually, one of the things I love to do is use that, then put on a topcoat that’s a very fine, holographic glitter. It looks like a night sky with stars. It is stunning.

      Like

      • elaine4queen

        indigo is my all time favourite colour. i don’t know why i never thought of looking for nail varnish in it.

        last time i wore nail varnish regularly one of my favourite colours was a sort of ‘flesh’. wearing it made me feel like i should look like a shop dummy. i was also wearing a pastel blue i think. and a blackish red.

        a trip to an EMPORIUM is in order, i think.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I have a fleshy color. It’s one of my favorites, too. It makes my fingers look loooong. And classy. I also love my pastel blue and my blackish red. I have a whole dresser full of colors. If you were here, we could play nail salon and you could try them ALL.

          A good thing I’ve found is buying polish online. About half the price, so you can buy more! I don’t know if there are any discount online outlets in the UK, but we have a few here that I love. Shipping’s very reasonable and the bottles are only a few dollars each, as opposed to $5 or so in actual stores.

          Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    “Riding along with your hands down your trousers in a lewd manner” had me LOLing! And I can imagine the rabbit-caught-in-the-headlight-look he would have displayed having being addressed in such a manner!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      He was this tiny Asian businessman (we were in London at the time) and he was in a nice suit while this was all happening and we were kind of obnoxious, but come ON, dude, you’re self-pleasuring on a TRAIN. We can SEE THE PORN in the WINDOW REFLECTION. Ick ick ick. How were we NOT supposed to laugh? Wait til you get home, sheesh.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Ok, “the circle of phlegm” is just beautiful. Pure poetry.

    Like

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