I didn’t even attempt to describe Google Plus, Tumblr or Pinterest. His head might have exploded.

OK, I have an hour and a half to get this done, because I did not use my time wisely today. DID YOU USE YOUR TIME WISELY TODAY AMY? No. No, I did not.

No, now, listen, that’s not fair. I totally did. I thought I’d have time to blog from work today, a little. But when I showed up, no one had done anything while I was on vacation. NOTHING. My desk was under a pile of papers like from Hoarders, you guys. It was INSANE. I just stood there confused when I first walked in. Maybe the whole OFFICE went on vacation last week, too? How else could this mega-pile of papers be explained? I mean, it’s not like I’m the only one who can do my job! Whyever would they leave EVERYTHING EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD on my desk?

AMY! We are so glad you’re back from vacation. Here, we saved you a little something!

Oh, because they didn’t want to do it, right right. Gotcha.

So I worked and worked and worked and WORKED and then finally ran out of there at 5 and ran home and realized I had no food. But I didn’t have time to GET food, because I had to run auditions at my theater tonight. That’s what the Artistic Director does. Because she’s a fancy-pants. Or because no one else wants to do it, I suppose, either way. No, no, I’m KIDDING, I don’t MIND, I actually love auditions. But I also love eating, and that wasn’t going to happen in my house tonight. So, it was “forage for food” time. Dinner was a frozen brick of green beans I’d forgotten I purchased so who knows how long I’d had them, a vanilla yogurt (so my coat can be shiny like those mice yesterday? No. Because it was the only yogurt I had left and I really dig yogurt) and a granola bar. This is not a normal human’s dinner. I think this is a dinner that they might feed you in Crazytown. I HAVE GOT TO GET SOME FOOD IN THIS HOUSE. But not tomorrow, I’m going to see a play tomorrow. I AM ALREADY EXHAUSTED AND I’VE BEEN HOME FOR TWO DAMN DAYS.

So, auditions went well. If everyone accepts the roles we offer them, we could be fully cast by tomorrow! That’s great news, since it’s a big cast. We’re doing Twelfth Night, if anyone remembers from when I geeked out about our new season? We had a lot of talented people show up to audition, quite a few new to us, too, which always makes me happy, and we were able to fill the roles with them, which is even better, because sometimes, even though you get a whole bunch of talented people, you don’t get the RIGHT talented people. Like, you get fifty men and three women for a show where the cast is ten women and a guy, or something. And they might all be crazy-talented, but you’re still telling 49 men no, and searching for 7 more women to round out your cast, you know?

I love “Twelfth Night” because it’s all about the sexy genderbending. Rawr!

Oh, in case you’re wondering, YES, Dumbcat’s still yowling. It’s worrisome. He’s broken. I broke my cat. It’s obvious I can never leave home again.

OH, and and AND, because Patrick is AWESOME and pointed out that I had OPTIONS, I can tweet at work again!

Although it’s busy and weird and none of the avatars will load, HootSuite works just fine for the hours that I’m stuck at work. It’s not pretty, but I can tweet, and I can see what I need to see. YAY I CAN BE CONNECTED AGAIN. Well, I suppose until IT or whatever happened to Twitter happens to HootSuite. Luckily, Patrick sent me 9 OTHER options, too. THANK YOU PATRICK. You are swell!

Also, their logo is an owl. Not a gross Hooters owl, either. A nice owl! So, yay for HootSuite!

So now I’m home, and have to write this in time to get to bed because I have to get up early to get x-rays and a cleaning done at the dentist. Won’t that be fun. Please note my sarcasm. No, I don’t mind the dentist, really, because I have stellar teeth. Totally the most stellar. Not even kidding. I didn’t even have a cavity until a couple of years ago, and that wasn’t my fault, that was my asshole wisdom tooth that’s all wonky in the back of my mouth so I can’t brush it right and the dentist’s all, “we COULD take that out, but it’s not BOTHERING you, so why put you through that?” I KNOW RIGHT? I win teeth. Want to know my secret? Shh, I’ll totally tell you. Ready? FLUORIDE PILLS AS A CHILD. No, I’m serious. I don’t even know if that’s a thing anymore. But all through my childhood, I took a daily fluoride pill, because my parents both have the worst teeth ever and they were ADAMANT that we would not have those teeth. My brother and I, therefore, have lovely teeth. We also didn’t need braces, but that’s just genetics, baby. And our killer smiles. And sparkling personalities. Do people even take fluoride pills anymore, or since it’s in the water, they’d be irrelevant? So, no, I’m sure the dentist will be fine. Although I do hate those bitewing x-rays. Something about chomping down on cardboard gives me the willies and makes me gag a little.

Gag gag gag. Although I do like looking at the teeth. That is fun. I like looking at x-rays and things. I’m a weirdo like that.

Oh, I totally forgot to tell you in the whirl of activity. SO, when I was in Florida, I made my best attempt at introducing Dad to the world of the internet. Who wants to hear what Dad thinks about various internetty things? I knew you would.


Me: So this is Facebook.
Dad: That’s your cousin’s kid!
Me: Yes. People put photos, write things, different stuff, and if you’re friends with them, you can read it.
Dad: She shouldn’t put her up there! People will kidnap her!
Me: No one will kidnap her. No one sees this photo but her friends.
Dad: And also kidnappers!
Me: I don’t know why she would friend kidnappers, Dad. And if she did, this imaginary kidnapping is really all her fault.
Dad: Where are you?
Me: Here. Here’s my picture. Here’s me being dead like a zombie. I’m going to change that to the photo of me being a drugged-out monkey at the zoo soon, though.
Me: Well, why would I put it up there if they couldn’t? What a waste of time THAT would be.
Dad: Do you write things on here?
Me: Sometimes. I don’t use Facebook as often as I used to. It annoys me, mostly. But it’s useful for networking. And theater stuff. And seeing The Nephew.
Me: Let’s move onto something else, this is freaking you out too much.
Dad: Why does this guy have a huge photo of bacon on his page?
Me: I guess he really likes bacon.
Dad: I like bacon. He’s cool.
Me: Yeah, he IS pretty cool. You’re right.


Me: So this is Twitter.
Dad: There are a LOT of words on this page.
Me: Yes. So, you can write things. But they have to be 140 characters or less. Then you send them out and anyone can read them.
Dad: WHAT? Killers? Killers can read them?
Me: Well, yes. Hypothetically yes.
Dad: But just your friends can read them?
Me: Well, no. And, yes. I guess. If you lock down your account. But unless you’re jobhunting or something, I don’t see the need for that. I don’t care if everyone sees my tweets. It’s not like I’m saying state secrets. I don’t KNOW any state secrets.
Dad: You’d say state secrets if you had them.
Me: Oh, I would not. I NEVER tell my big secrets. I only tell my little secrets. Shush, I’m showing you things.
Dad: Where are you?
Me: Here. See?
Me: Yes, Dad. They can. It’s just a picture. I’m not naked. All is well, chum.
Dad: This is where your internet people are?
Me: The best ones, yes.
Dad: You are always talking to these people. ALWAYS.
Me: Yes. A lot, yes.
Dad: Don’t they have anything better to do than wait around to hear from you?
Me: I’m pretty sure they’re not waiting around to hear from me. I think they’re living their lives, and if I tweet and they see it, they might or might not respond. It’s a crapshoot, really.
Dad: Is this where the assassin and the spy are?
Me: Yes. Although they’re really not. Want to see their Twitter accounts?
Dad: NO. They might know I’m onto them.


Me: So this is my blog. See? This is how many people view it every day, and this is how many people have commented.
Dad: This is probably more people than Oprah gets.
Me: I don’t know that Oprah blogs? But if she did, I can assure you she’d be getting more hits than this. But thanks. That’s sweet.
Dad: I think the blogging has gotten in the way of your life.
Me: Nah. You overestimate how much of a life I had, pre-blogging. I love it. Also, it’s strange that you’re worrying that I’m staying in and behaving too much. Shouldn’t you worry if I, I don’t know, go out and whore around or something? You worry about odd things.
Dad: You blog ALL THE TIME.
Me: Not ALL the time. Sometimes I’m sleeping. Here, let’s look at my people’s blogs. Ready?
Dad: FINE.
Me: This is Ken’s blog.
Dad: Who’s that? The spy or the assassin or some other kind of killer?
Me: The assassin. See? Here’s Ken. Does he look like an assassin?
Dad: YES. He DOES. Who would put their picture on the internet like that?
Me: (sigh) Everyone, Dad.  And he doesn’t look like an assassin. He looks like a nice normal guy.
Dad: That’s what he WANTS you to think. Nice, normal guy is his DISGUISE.
Me: Fine. Moving on: here is Andreas.
Dad: THAT IS A SPY. Look, it’s like a mugshot! Like four mugshots! That spy got ARRESTED. He’s not a very good spy!
Me: No, Dad. He was having us pick out glasses for him.
Dad: Why can’t he pick out his own glasses? That’s a spy thing to do.
Me: It was FUN, Dad. It was a FUN thing to do. Finally: here’s Jim.
Dad: Oh.
Me: Oh? Just oh? What’s Jim, like a ninja? Or…what?
Dad: No, I like him, because he lives in AMERICA.
Me: Ah. NOW I see. So the foreign internet people are all super-spies and killers but the local ones are ok?
Dad: Also, remember that big picture of bacon? I liked that.


Dad: I AM TIRED OF YOU SHOWING ME THINGS I WANT TO WATCH THE BIG WHEEL NOW. (SIDE NOTE! “The Big Wheel” is what old people like my Dad call Wheel of Fortune, apparently.)

So, what did we learn from Dad and the internet?

  • Kidnappers will steal your kids from Facebook
  • Killers read your tweets on Twitter
  • All of you are just sitting around waiting for me to tweet (aw! That’s nice! Go do something, all that waiting around’s a lot of pressure on me)
  • Bloggers are all killers or assassins if they live abroad; however, MERKAN bloggers are A-OK.

These are helpful! Good to know.

Happy Wednesday, lovely people. Wish me luck, I’d rather not drown under all that paper tomorrow. Sigh.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

20 responses to “I didn’t even attempt to describe Google Plus, Tumblr or Pinterest. His head might have exploded.

  • elaine4queen

    does your dad like being internet famous?

    (er, does he KNOW he is internet famous??)


  • lahikmajoe

    I like bacon.



  • sj

    Don’t forget that SOME Merkan bloggers are “wise” because they caught on to the whole Helper Mule being a Soviet spy thing.

    (not naming names, though, just in case any of the killers/assassins/spies want to take action against said soopersmart Merkan blogger)


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Heh! Your dad is funny. And thanks for the linkback! :)


  • Rich Crete

    I know there isn’t a sign saying “Help Desk” here, but please help the elderly! Namely me. Since you rule at WordPress….
    Any clue why your posts (and those of a few others I follow) no longer appear in my reader? According to all the tutorials I read, by following you I should be getting your new posts in my reader. Yours just stopped 3 days ago, a few others haven’t had been showing up in the reader for over a month. I need Amy posts in my reader, damnit!
    Sorry, I know I’m being technomoronic but I can’t help it.


    • lucysfootball

      I have no idea! That’s so upsetting and perplexing! I got the email you signed up for emails from me, so that’s good. I don’t know why you wouldn’t show up in my reader! I have Google Reader, and am subscribed to myself (I know that sounds arrogant, but it’s to test if it’s working more than anything) and I always get it in my reader! I wonder why you wouldn’t be? What if you unsubscribe, then resubscribe? Kind of like turning off a copier when you can’t figure out what else to do, you know?

      You’re not being moronic. I have no explanation for it, either, and it’s angry-making! I want you all to read my blog!


  • blogginglily

    1) Lily loves owls. If I were to show Lily that picture (which I will not, because she’d start pushing the buttons on the keyboard and it would send me somewhere else on the interwebs which always annoys me to the point where I have to deflect her questing fingers all Bruce-Lee-like and say, “settle down, Lily, sheesh.”) she would say, “Owl goes Hooo.” And she’s dead on balls with that assessment.

    2) This post is totally about Lily. Guess who takes Fluoride pills? Lily, that’s who? Why? Because Lily cannot be reliably counted on to spit out her toothpaste. Plus also there’s this whole other spitting issue with her so that we as her parents only spell the word spit around her anymore, and she now knows what that means. Anyway at her last dentist appointment, that I totally blogged, I asked the dentist whether we should switch her non-fluoridated toothpaste for the fluoride kind or just keep giving her the pills, and do you know what he told me? “Keep taking the pills. Systemic flouride doses are better than what you get from toothpaste anyway.” Huh! So. . . I totally hosed Emma by switching her off fluoride pills, but Lily still gets them. (Our municipality does not add fluoride to the water)

    3) Bacon is really really good.

    4) Oh? OH??? oh. Fair enough.

    5) Don’t paper drown, and stop abandoning your cat. He now has abandonment issues. Take him to work tomorrow.


    • lucysfootball

      I still haven’t found Lily that owl shirt, dammit. I keep looking. No dice. I want to find one SO BADLY.

      Owls DO go hoo. But I bet Lily does it better and more adorably. I’d put my money on her every time. And I love owls, too. I just love Lily more.

      Good, Lily will have kickass teeth. Seriously, my teeth are amazing. My brother’s, too, and he barely takes care of his. Fluoride rocks, I don’t care who says otherwise.

      I think “oh” was high praise, coming from Dad.

      I paper drowned worse today. It’s bad. It’s so bad.


  • Handflapper

    After many years, my MIL have fairly mastered Facebook, although unfortunately she uses it primarily to ask me to help her build a barn or harvest her beets. God help me if she ever figures out Twitter.


  • Jericha

    I actually do sit around and wait for you to tweet.


  • Jill

    You have the best coworkers! You should have brought them all souvenir moray eels from the Marine Science Center to thank them for their thoughtfulness. I’m sure they just saved you all the work so you would feel needed and important.


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