OK, I have an hour and a half to get this done, because I did not use my time wisely today. DID YOU USE YOUR TIME WISELY TODAY AMY? No. No, I did not.
No, now, listen, that’s not fair. I totally did. I thought I’d have time to blog from work today, a little. But when I showed up, no one had done anything while I was on vacation. NOTHING. My desk was under a pile of papers like from Hoarders, you guys. It was INSANE. I just stood there confused when I first walked in. Maybe the whole OFFICE went on vacation last week, too? How else could this mega-pile of papers be explained? I mean, it’s not like I’m the only one who can do my job! Whyever would they leave EVERYTHING EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD on my desk?
Oh, because they didn’t want to do it, right right. Gotcha.
So I worked and worked and worked and WORKED and then finally ran out of there at 5 and ran home and realized I had no food. But I didn’t have time to GET food, because I had to run auditions at my theater tonight. That’s what the Artistic Director does. Because she’s a fancy-pants. Or because no one else wants to do it, I suppose, either way. No, no, I’m KIDDING, I don’t MIND, I actually love auditions. But I also love eating, and that wasn’t going to happen in my house tonight. So, it was “forage for food” time. Dinner was a frozen brick of green beans I’d forgotten I purchased so who knows how long I’d had them, a vanilla yogurt (so my coat can be shiny like those mice yesterday? No. Because it was the only yogurt I had left and I really dig yogurt) and a granola bar. This is not a normal human’s dinner. I think this is a dinner that they might feed you in Crazytown. I HAVE GOT TO GET SOME FOOD IN THIS HOUSE. But not tomorrow, I’m going to see a play tomorrow. I AM ALREADY EXHAUSTED AND I’VE BEEN HOME FOR TWO DAMN DAYS.
So, auditions went well. If everyone accepts the roles we offer them, we could be fully cast by tomorrow! That’s great news, since it’s a big cast. We’re doing Twelfth Night, if anyone remembers from when I geeked out about our new season? We had a lot of talented people show up to audition, quite a few new to us, too, which always makes me happy, and we were able to fill the roles with them, which is even better, because sometimes, even though you get a whole bunch of talented people, you don’t get the RIGHT talented people. Like, you get fifty men and three women for a show where the cast is ten women and a guy, or something. And they might all be crazy-talented, but you’re still telling 49 men no, and searching for 7 more women to round out your cast, you know?
Oh, in case you’re wondering, YES, Dumbcat’s still yowling. It’s worrisome. He’s broken. I broke my cat. It’s obvious I can never leave home again.
OH, and and AND, because Patrick is AWESOME and pointed out that I had OPTIONS, I can tweet at work again!
— Patrick Smith (@Patrixmyth) May 8, 2012
Although it’s busy and weird and none of the avatars will load, HootSuite works just fine for the hours that I’m stuck at work. It’s not pretty, but I can tweet, and I can see what I need to see. YAY I CAN BE CONNECTED AGAIN. Well, I suppose until IT or whatever happened to Twitter happens to HootSuite. Luckily, Patrick sent me 9 OTHER options, too. THANK YOU PATRICK. You are swell!
So now I’m home, and have to write this in time to get to bed because I have to get up early to get x-rays and a cleaning done at the dentist. Won’t that be fun. Please note my sarcasm. No, I don’t mind the dentist, really, because I have stellar teeth. Totally the most stellar. Not even kidding. I didn’t even have a cavity until a couple of years ago, and that wasn’t my fault, that was my asshole wisdom tooth that’s all wonky in the back of my mouth so I can’t brush it right and the dentist’s all, “we COULD take that out, but it’s not BOTHERING you, so why put you through that?” I KNOW RIGHT? I win teeth. Want to know my secret? Shh, I’ll totally tell you. Ready? FLUORIDE PILLS AS A CHILD. No, I’m serious. I don’t even know if that’s a thing anymore. But all through my childhood, I took a daily fluoride pill, because my parents both have the worst teeth ever and they were ADAMANT that we would not have those teeth. My brother and I, therefore, have lovely teeth. We also didn’t need braces, but that’s just genetics, baby. And our killer smiles. And sparkling personalities. Do people even take fluoride pills anymore, or since it’s in the water, they’d be irrelevant? So, no, I’m sure the dentist will be fine. Although I do hate those bitewing x-rays. Something about chomping down on cardboard gives me the willies and makes me gag a little.
Oh, I totally forgot to tell you in the whirl of activity. SO, when I was in Florida, I made my best attempt at introducing Dad to the world of the internet. Who wants to hear what Dad thinks about various internetty things? I knew you would.
WHAT DAD THINKS ABOUT FACEBOOK
Me: So this is Facebook.
Dad: That’s your cousin’s kid!
Me: Yes. People put photos, write things, different stuff, and if you’re friends with them, you can read it.
Dad: She shouldn’t put her up there! People will kidnap her!
Me: No one will kidnap her. No one sees this photo but her friends.
Dad: And also kidnappers!
Me: I don’t know why she would friend kidnappers, Dad. And if she did, this imaginary kidnapping is really all her fault.
Dad: Where are you?
Me: Here. Here’s my picture. Here’s me being dead like a zombie. I’m going to change that to the photo of me being a drugged-out monkey at the zoo soon, though.
Dad: PEOPLE CAN SEE THAT.
Me: Well, why would I put it up there if they couldn’t? What a waste of time THAT would be.
Dad: Do you write things on here?
Me: Sometimes. I don’t use Facebook as often as I used to. It annoys me, mostly. But it’s useful for networking. And theater stuff. And seeing The Nephew.
Dad: THE GRANDSON IS ON HERE?
Me: Let’s move onto something else, this is freaking you out too much.
Dad: Why does this guy have a huge photo of bacon on his page?
Me: I guess he really likes bacon.
Dad: I like bacon. He’s cool.
Me: Yeah, he IS pretty cool. You’re right.
WHAT DAD THINKS ABOUT TWITTER
Me: So this is Twitter.
Dad: There are a LOT of words on this page.
Me: Yes. So, you can write things. But they have to be 140 characters or less. Then you send them out and anyone can read them.
Dad: WHAT? Killers? Killers can read them?
Me: Well, yes. Hypothetically yes.
Dad: But just your friends can read them?
Me: Well, no. And, yes. I guess. If you lock down your account. But unless you’re jobhunting or something, I don’t see the need for that. I don’t care if everyone sees my tweets. It’s not like I’m saying state secrets. I don’t KNOW any state secrets.
Dad: You’d say state secrets if you had them.
Me: Oh, I would not. I NEVER tell my big secrets. I only tell my little secrets. Shush, I’m showing you things.
Dad: Where are you?
Me: Here. See?
Dad: PEOPLE CAN SEE YOU.
Me: Yes, Dad. They can. It’s just a picture. I’m not naked. All is well, chum.
Dad: This is where your internet people are?
Me: The best ones, yes.
Dad: You are always talking to these people. ALWAYS.
Me: Yes. A lot, yes.
Dad: Don’t they have anything better to do than wait around to hear from you?
Me: I’m pretty sure they’re not waiting around to hear from me. I think they’re living their lives, and if I tweet and they see it, they might or might not respond. It’s a crapshoot, really.
Dad: Is this where the assassin and the spy are?
Me: Yes. Although they’re really not. Want to see their Twitter accounts?
Dad: NO. They might know I’m onto them.
WHAT DAD THINKS ABOUT BLOGGING
Me: So this is my blog. See? This is how many people view it every day, and this is how many people have commented.
Dad: This is probably more people than Oprah gets.
Me: I don’t know that Oprah blogs? But if she did, I can assure you she’d be getting more hits than this. But thanks. That’s sweet.
Dad: I think the blogging has gotten in the way of your life.
Me: Nah. You overestimate how much of a life I had, pre-blogging. I love it. Also, it’s strange that you’re worrying that I’m staying in and behaving too much. Shouldn’t you worry if I, I don’t know, go out and whore around or something? You worry about odd things.
Dad: You blog ALL THE TIME.
Me: Not ALL the time. Sometimes I’m sleeping. Here, let’s look at my people’s blogs. Ready?
Me: This is Ken’s blog.
Dad: Who’s that? The spy or the assassin or some other kind of killer?
Me: The assassin. See? Here’s Ken. Does he look like an assassin?
Dad: YES. He DOES. Who would put their picture on the internet like that?
Me: (sigh) Everyone, Dad. And he doesn’t look like an assassin. He looks like a nice normal guy.
Dad: That’s what he WANTS you to think. Nice, normal guy is his DISGUISE.
Me: Fine. Moving on: here is Andreas.
Dad: THAT IS A SPY. Look, it’s like a mugshot! Like four mugshots! That spy got ARRESTED. He’s not a very good spy!
Me: No, Dad. He was having us pick out glasses for him.
Dad: Why can’t he pick out his own glasses? That’s a spy thing to do.
Me: It was FUN, Dad. It was a FUN thing to do. Finally: here’s Jim.
Me: Oh? Just oh? What’s Jim, like a ninja? Or…what?
Dad: No, I like him, because he lives in AMERICA.
Me: Ah. NOW I see. So the foreign internet people are all super-spies and killers but the local ones are ok?
Dad: Also, remember that big picture of bacon? I liked that.
WHAT DAD THINKS OF ALL THE OTHER INTERNET THINGS
Dad: I AM TIRED OF YOU SHOWING ME THINGS I WANT TO WATCH THE BIG WHEEL NOW. (SIDE NOTE! “The Big Wheel” is what old people like my Dad call Wheel of Fortune, apparently.)
So, what did we learn from Dad and the internet?
- Kidnappers will steal your kids from Facebook
- Killers read your tweets on Twitter
- All of you are just sitting around waiting for me to tweet (aw! That’s nice! Go do something, all that waiting around’s a lot of pressure on me)
- Bloggers are all killers or assassins if they live abroad; however, MERKAN bloggers are A-OK.
These are helpful! Good to know.
Happy Wednesday, lovely people. Wish me luck, I’d rather not drown under all that paper tomorrow. Sigh.