Happy Tuesday! Here I am back at work. But I didn’t forget you! No no not me, my little cherry blossoms.
We need to talk about the news today, because I was reading some newsiness and there was some stuff that we NEED TO DISCUSS. Some icky, some icky and also funny, and one that we need to discuss because it’s going to help you menfolk be more sexier. Don’t you all want to be more sexier? Of course you do!
We’re saving the sexierness for last, though. I’m like the evening news, we always save the good stuff for last to keep you interested.
First: DEAD BABY PILLS. I wish I was exaggerating.
According to this article which made me go “ew ew ew I AM EATING LUNCH RIGHT NOW,” (so, in other words, if you are a delicate flower, maybe put down your sandwich) – “Thousands of pills filled with powdered human flesh have been discovered by customs officials in South Korea.” Like, 17,000. PILLS FILLED WITH POWDERED HUMAN FLESH.
These are coming from China. Where do they get the human flesh? Dead babies. I am not even kidding you in the slightest at the moment. They get them from aborted or miscarried babies. Then they – gack gack gack – DRY THEM IN A MICROWAVE, grind them up with a mortar and pestle, and put them in pills. SO YOU CAN SWALLOW THEM.
Apparently, this is a herbal remedy that is coveted in South Korea, and are taken as stamina boosters. So, Red Bull, then. These are the pill version of Red Bull. Or those packets of quack medicine pills by the register you see at the gas station that are really caffeine pills and ginseng, or whatever. BUT REALLY THEY ARE DEAD BABY POWDER.
Apparently, swallowing these can make you ill because they can have superbacteria in them. Or maybe because YOU’RE GOING TO HELL BECAUSE YOU JUST ATE A DEAD BABY PILL.
This sentence made me laugh. Then I realized I was going to hell for laughing at it: “Sources said this was because they were not prepared to create diplomatic friction with Beijing, preferring to leave it to Chinese officials to do something about the horrific trade in powdered babies.” HORRIFIC TRADE IN POWDERED BABIES. (Just to be fair, in the Dark Tower series when Eddie was telling all the dead baby jokes? I laughed. SHUT UP I AM MORBID. NO, I don’t think dead babies are funny. But the jokes were.)
So, anyway, I’d be careful about taking any Chinese stamina pills, seriously. DEAD BABIES DEAD BABIESSSSS.
Next: dinosaur farts!
In this article, we learn that dinosaurs had SO MUCH GAS they totally changed the climate of the world. With farting.
Yes, I giggled when I read that. YES, I am mentally five, shut up, you’re just jealous because you’re OLD and BORING if farting still doesn’t make you giggle a little.
The dinosaurs produced 52o million tons of methane gas per year. This is as much methane gas as the whole WORLD produces now, both organically and industrially. Just with dinosaurs. They were gassy, you guys.
Why were they so gassy? From being vegetarians. I mean, have you ever eaten, say, all the broccoli? Now pretend you’re dinosaur sized. WHOO! Gassy-town, population, you!
All that methane, which is a greenhouse gas, made the environment warmer and wetter than it is now. So because of dinosaur poots, they were living in a swamp. This is fascinating, right? I mean, where else can you learn about powdered baby capsules and dinosaur tooting? NOWHERE.
Well, I saved the best for last. You’ve all been just waiting to hear about how you menfolk can get more sexier, right? Here we go, fellas.
Eat yogurt.
I KNOW! Isn’t that the easiest thing you’ve ever heard of? You thought I’d say something hard like GET A JOB or WRITE USING PROPER GRAMMAR or STOP SAYING THE WORD DUDE ALL THE TIME but no! Just pop on over to the grocery, grab a Yoplait, and soon – you are going to be beating the ladies off with many sticks. That is not a euphemism.
So, scientists were testing good and bad diets on mice. One set of mice got a low-fiber, high-fat diet, and the other set of mice got “standard mouse meals,” whatever that is. Pellets or whatever, I guess. Then half of the standard mouse meal group also got a little vanilla yogurt every day. I assume because the scientists were whimsical. Oh, wait, no, it was to test how probiotics affected the mice. Whimsy did not play into it at all. FINE. I do so like whimsy.
But then, the scientists noticed that the coats of the yogurt mice were very shiny. Those were stylish mice, with shiny flowing locks! Like supermodel mice! They had “luxuriantly silky fur.” That’s nice! Tyra Banks would approve. She would also tell them to make sure they smized. That’s SMILING with their EYES, in case you’re wondering.
THEN, the scientists noticed – well, let me have them tell you:
Then the researchers spotted something particular about the males: they projected their testes outward, which endowed them with a certain “mouse swagger,” Erdman says. On measuring the males, they found that the testicles of the yogurt consumers were about 5 percent heavier than those of mice fed typical diets alone and around 15 percent heavier than those of junk-eating males.
ZOMG “mouse swagger.” MOUSE SWAGGER. I’m totally imagining them as luxuriant-locked mouse-pimps. With little canes. And hats. And gold jewelry. And maybe gold grillzzzz.

I couldn’t find a mouse-pimp, so please instead accept this mouse who is jauntily playing a tiny flute.
So eating yogurt gives you swagger and big old testicles and luxuriant locks. See? See why all you fellas need to be eating the yogurt?
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! It SLICES it DICES!
More important, that masculinity pays off. In mating experiments, yogurt-eating males inseminated their partners faster and produced more offspring than control mice. Conversely, females that ate the yogurt diets gave birth to larger litters and weaned those pups with greater success. Reflecting on their unpublished results, Erdman and Alm think that the probiotic microbes in the yogurt help to make the animals leaner and healthier, which indirectly improves sexual machismo.
So, they’re totally fast on the inseminating, they make more babies, and the lady-yogurt-eaters ALSO have more babies and are able to wean these massive litters more quickly. Also, “sexual machismo.” NEW BAND NAME NEW BAND NAME.
Do these findings translate to humans? Well! Ask the scientists!
The findings could have implications for human fertility. In ongoing work, a team led by Harvard nutritional epidemiologist Jorge Chavarro has looked at the association between yogurt intake and semen quality in men. “So far our preliminary findings are consistent with what they see in the mice,” Chavarro says.
EXCELLENT. I know the first thing I think about when I’m looking for a potential mate is semen quality. So if I see a man walking around with a yogurt cup, I can be sure he’s got top-notch swimmers. This is excellent. I won’t have to walk around with one of those semen-quality-testing kits like people have for testing pool-water anymore! That’ll free me up for carrying around other things, I suppose, like sexy nighties and candles and such for all the sex I’ll be having with all the yogurt-eaters.
So, what have we learned today?
Things that are bad:
- pills with powdered dead babies inside
Things that are humorous:
- Dinosaur farts
Things that are SEXY:
- Yogurt-eating mice and/or humans
I hope you have learned many things. Men, go out and buy a yogurt today. If you do this right, you could be the sexiest ever by Memorial Day. And everyone wants to have a sexy Memorial Day. EVERYONE.

I couldn’t find anything relating “sex” and “Memorial Day.” Please accept this photo of a mouse cuddling a tiny teddy bear.
May 8th, 2012 at 12:03 pm
First of all. . . how could you hold out the dead baby pills?? THAT is the story I’d have nabbed from you.
Second of all. Gross, dead baby pills.
Third of all, Mouse Swagger. . . and I know these are hamsters, but I can’t get this out of my head now that you wrote this: Probably this won’t work, and I’ll delete my comment and try for new html code, which will annoy the shit out of you because you’ll get all the notifications and have like one comment. But I can’t remember how I did it with the “so, you’re stickin’ it to yourself video.”
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May 8th, 2012 at 9:34 pm
Dammit! I chose the wrong story to send you! Next time I’ll choose more wisely, promise.
I fiiixxxeeddd the HTML, Jimmmmmm. I WIN INTERTUBES.
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May 8th, 2012 at 12:03 pm
First of all. . . how could you hold out the dead baby pills?? THAT is the story I’d have nabbed from you.
Second of all. Gross, dead baby pills.
Third of all, Mouse Swagger. . . and I know these are hamsters, but I can’t get this out of my head now that you wrote this: Probably this won’t work, and I’ll delete my comment and try for new html code, which will annoy the shit out of you because you’ll get all the notifications and have like one comment. But I can’t remember how I did it with the “so, you’re stickin’ it to yourself video.”
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May 8th, 2012 at 12:04 pm
what the. . . DAMNIT! Why did it delete my video from the second identical comment???
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May 8th, 2012 at 9:32 pm
I was going to delete all of these because they’re irrelevant now that I’ve fixed the video because I WIN WORDPRESS AND HTML but I like them so they’re staying. It’s like watching a mental breakdown happen in word form.
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May 8th, 2012 at 12:05 pm
maybe this??
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May 9th, 2012 at 10:44 pm
Hee hee, I love the Kia hamsters.
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May 8th, 2012 at 12:05 pm
fuggit. Stupid youtube. Stupid html.
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May 8th, 2012 at 1:01 pm
wordpress comments hates html.
IT’S IT’S ONLY FLAW. fact.
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May 8th, 2012 at 1:22 pm
It’s its. Just sayin’.
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May 8th, 2012 at 9:29 pm
Jim! Tsk. BE NICE.
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May 9th, 2012 at 12:01 am
YOU be nice!
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May 9th, 2012 at 7:25 am
I AM nice. ALWAYS.
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May 8th, 2012 at 9:30 pm
I’m going to see if I can fix it. I like to futz with HTML as if I know what I’m doing.
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May 9th, 2012 at 12:01 am
Bottom Line: You’re awesome. But Word Press is still an A-hole.
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May 9th, 2012 at 7:25 am
If you ever need to do it again, keep that FB comment I made. That’s what worked.
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May 9th, 2012 at 6:28 am
futz away!
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May 9th, 2012 at 7:23 am
I futzed! And I WON! Now I know how to embed videos in comments! But still don’t know how to embed photos. That’s my next mountain to conquer.
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May 9th, 2012 at 9:36 am
and then SHARE ALL THE WISDOM!
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May 9th, 2012 at 9:44 am
OK, here’s how to put a video in comments in WordPress: copy the URL of the video. (BTW, this only works for YouTube videos.) Then type exactly this: youtube=link (with “link” being the link you copied – just paste it in) enclosed in these type of brackets – [ ] Make sure you use those exact brackets and that exact wording. Should work like a charm for any YouTube video.
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May 8th, 2012 at 12:27 pm
I applaud your photo selection. Banjo playing is about as sexually machismo as things get. Ever known a banjo player who wasn’t getting all the laid? Me neither.
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May 8th, 2012 at 9:30 pm
I’d have sex with Steve Martin and he plays the banjo. But mostly that’s my weird attraction to funny men. And also men who go prematurely gray.
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May 8th, 2012 at 1:48 pm
Hope all the sexy, yogurt eating guys are remembering to brush their teeth or chew some gum post yogurt eating. Nobody wants to get sexy with a phlegmy guy. That is like dead baby pill gross!
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May 8th, 2012 at 9:27 pm
Ooh, good point. You should market post-yogurt-breath-care. You’d make a million!
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May 8th, 2012 at 4:36 pm
**ALL-THE-TMI ALERT**
Eric (husband) eats yogurt, but not for swagger (that’s as far as I’m going with THIS sentence). SO:
1. I will not discuss the…testes, testes, is this thing on?…but I will say, THANK GOODNESS I AM ON THE PILL. No babies for me.
2. He’s going bald. His hair is not full and luxuriant and Fabio-like. The scientists lie.
3. I personally think yogurt is Satan’s…well, you know…so I don’t think “swagger” when I see him eating it. I think “ew.”
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May 8th, 2012 at 4:38 pm
That didn’t end up being too TMI-like. I stopped myself. Haha!
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May 8th, 2012 at 9:27 pm
WHAT? I am SO UPSET. Wait, maybe it has to be VANILLA yogurt. Does he eat vanilla yogurt? You should switch out all his yogurt for vanilla without telling him, and see what happens! If he gets mad, just tell him, “It’s for SCIENCE, honey!”
I like yogurt, but my hair is NOT SHINY. It’s all unruly and has flyaways. And I totally eat vanilla yogurt, too. Dammit, science.
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May 8th, 2012 at 10:43 pm
That’s all he eats… vanilla yogurt. He used to eat key lime, too, but our grocery store stopped carrying the brand he eats in the key lime flavor. So vanilla, it is.
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May 8th, 2012 at 11:00 pm
Is it the Fiber One yogurt? Because MY store stopped carrying anything but the vanilla! And I miss the lime version, it was good!
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May 8th, 2012 at 11:24 pm
He eats Activia.
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May 9th, 2012 at 7:26 am
I wonder if they’re made by the same people? It’s weird that our key lime disappeared for both brands.
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May 8th, 2012 at 6:13 pm
Bahahaha, it’s Ron Burgundy in mouse form, playing the jazz flute!
Also, “mouse swagger” did make me giggle. And also, that All my friends are dead book is funny. I love the purse whose friends are all sooo last season. Wait, is that a spoiler? If it is, I am thoroughly ashamed.
Oh, and… WTF DEAD BABY PILLS WHYYYYY?!?!
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May 8th, 2012 at 9:25 pm
Hee, Mouse Ron Burgandy! I love it!
I KNOW. Dead Baby Pills! So distressing!
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May 8th, 2012 at 9:01 pm
1. Ew! That is so horrible and gross and, zomg, now that you mentioned Eddie’s dead baby jokes, I’m thinking of the Long Pork restaurant in New York and trying not to giggle and I should shut up now.
2. Farts are super funny. I giggle at them all the time. Living with 5 males gives me plenty of opportunity.
3. Note to Self: Keep husband away from the yoghurt.
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May 8th, 2012 at 9:21 pm
Hee, the Long Pork restaurant! And, ew! :)
See, farts ARE funny. I live next door to a very farty neighbor who, every morning, goes out for a cigarette and all the farts? And it makes me giggle every time.
Yeah, yogurt might make your husband shiny, but look out for his mouse swagger!
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May 9th, 2012 at 11:54 am
Long Pork? As in human flesh? Cool!
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May 9th, 2012 at 12:21 pm
Yes, exactly!
Wait, Andreas – have you not read the Dark Tower?
AMY, WHY HAS ANDREAS NOT READ THE DARK TOWER?!
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May 9th, 2012 at 2:01 pm
I have not. I do, however, know that that’s what cannibalistic New Guinnea tribesmen call white people: Long Pork.
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May 9th, 2012 at 11:29 pm
You might like the series – kind of fantasy, kind of western, very epic. sj and I LOVE them. :)
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May 9th, 2012 at 11:30 pm
I think a lot of people haven’t read it. It’s a commitment, I guess. And people don’t like King like we do.
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May 9th, 2012 at 2:30 am
I accept all your little mice. Gladly.
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May 9th, 2012 at 7:24 am
Aren’t they so cute? I’m hoping they’re not taxidermied. They don’t look taxidermied, do they?
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May 9th, 2012 at 11:53 pm
They don’t actually. But better ask TheBloggess; she’s the expert surely.
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May 10th, 2012 at 7:32 am
Ha! “Dear The Bloggess, please to read my blog and see if the photos I posted are real mice or taxidermied? Love, Lucy’s Football.” :)
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May 9th, 2012 at 3:10 am
Please tell me that the poster with the theropod digging a hole is not ACTUALLY a thing? As in something religious they tell children in school? (I know, I know. It’s a really funny poster. But only if they don’t actually teach it to real children.)
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May 9th, 2012 at 7:24 am
No, I don’t think so. I think it’s just a joke. Can you even imagine if they teach that to kids? Ha!
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May 9th, 2012 at 11:52 am
Sadly, I can imagine it. I just hope it isn’t so.
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May 9th, 2012 at 7:32 am
Gassy-town dinosaur poots…I’m not even most of the way through this, and I’m loving it. Good post, as always…
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May 9th, 2012 at 7:39 am
*beams* Aw, thanks.
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May 9th, 2012 at 7:43 am
Would it surprise you to know that yoghurt was already a regular part of this Bon Vivant’s diet?
It wouldn’t, would it?
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May 9th, 2012 at 7:47 am
I imagine you with lots of mouse swagger. And your hair is super-shiny. No. Not surprised.
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May 9th, 2012 at 12:15 pm
I noticed you didn’t mention the protruding testes. Smart move.
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May 9th, 2012 at 11:33 pm
I…don’t…no. My mind is not prepared to investigate Ken’s swimsuit area. Not today, or ever. He can keep the magic of his testes to himself.
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May 9th, 2012 at 12:19 pm
The dinosaurs also invented the flowers, which isn’t really all that funny but rather interesting.
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May 9th, 2012 at 11:31 pm
Invented flowers? With magic? Explain!
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May 10th, 2012 at 12:01 am
Not with magic, but with eating. They were so good at eating all the plants that the plants had to invent* new ways of reproducing to keep themselves from going extinct. So flowers evolved, using insects to pollinate them, in order to make for a more efficient reproduction strategy than airborn pollination.
* Plants, or dinosaurs, obviously didn’t ‘invent’ flowers as in consciously creating the concept in their minds and then manufacturing them. I’m using the term ‘invent’ loosely (that’s the correct amount of ‘o’s, isn’t it?) and metaphorically.
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May 10th, 2012 at 7:31 am
You’re the best, Andreas. I had no idea! That’s so interesting!
I think it would be funny if dinosaurs DID invent flowers, like Al Gore invented the internet.
Yes, that’s the right amount of “o”s in loosely, but was missing an e. I fixed! It is beautiful now!
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May 10th, 2012 at 9:19 am
Argh! Less than a week in Scandinavia and my English spelling is already failing! This will not end well. (Thanks for fixing it, though!)
And yes, it would! :)
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May 10th, 2012 at 9:27 pm
Hee! Your English is fine. You were probably commenting on your phone again. :)
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May 10th, 2012 at 1:01 am
I found the mouse with the swagger.
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May 10th, 2012 at 7:20 am
There really is a Swagger Mouse! Ha!
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