Happy Tuesday! Here I am back at work. But I didn’t forget you! No no not me, my little cherry blossoms.
We need to talk about the news today, because I was reading some newsiness and there was some stuff that we NEED TO DISCUSS. Some icky, some icky and also funny, and one that we need to discuss because it’s going to help you menfolk be more sexier. Don’t you all want to be more sexier? Of course you do!
We’re saving the sexierness for last, though. I’m like the evening news, we always save the good stuff for last to keep you interested.
First: DEAD BABY PILLS. I wish I was exaggerating.
According to this article which made me go “ew ew ew I AM EATING LUNCH RIGHT NOW,” (so, in other words, if you are a delicate flower, maybe put down your sandwich) – “Thousands of pills filled with powdered human flesh have been discovered by customs officials in South Korea.” Like, 17,000. PILLS FILLED WITH POWDERED HUMAN FLESH.
These are coming from China. Where do they get the human flesh? Dead babies. I am not even kidding you in the slightest at the moment. They get them from aborted or miscarried babies. Then they – gack gack gack – DRY THEM IN A MICROWAVE, grind them up with a mortar and pestle, and put them in pills. SO YOU CAN SWALLOW THEM.
Apparently, this is a herbal remedy that is coveted in South Korea, and are taken as stamina boosters. So, Red Bull, then. These are the pill version of Red Bull. Or those packets of quack medicine pills by the register you see at the gas station that are really caffeine pills and ginseng, or whatever. BUT REALLY THEY ARE DEAD BABY POWDER.
Apparently, swallowing these can make you ill because they can have superbacteria in them. Or maybe because YOU’RE GOING TO HELL BECAUSE YOU JUST ATE A DEAD BABY PILL.
This sentence made me laugh. Then I realized I was going to hell for laughing at it: “Sources said this was because they were not prepared to create diplomatic friction with Beijing, preferring to leave it to Chinese officials to do something about the horrific trade in powdered babies.” HORRIFIC TRADE IN POWDERED BABIES. (Just to be fair, in the Dark Tower series when Eddie was telling all the dead baby jokes? I laughed. SHUT UP I AM MORBID. NO, I don’t think dead babies are funny. But the jokes were.)
So, anyway, I’d be careful about taking any Chinese stamina pills, seriously. DEAD BABIES DEAD BABIESSSSS.
Next: dinosaur farts!
In this article, we learn that dinosaurs had SO MUCH GAS they totally changed the climate of the world. With farting.
Yes, I giggled when I read that. YES, I am mentally five, shut up, you’re just jealous because you’re OLD and BORING if farting still doesn’t make you giggle a little.
The dinosaurs produced 52o million tons of methane gas per year. This is as much methane gas as the whole WORLD produces now, both organically and industrially. Just with dinosaurs. They were gassy, you guys.
Why were they so gassy? From being vegetarians. I mean, have you ever eaten, say, all the broccoli? Now pretend you’re dinosaur sized. WHOO! Gassy-town, population, you!
All that methane, which is a greenhouse gas, made the environment warmer and wetter than it is now. So because of dinosaur poots, they were living in a swamp. This is fascinating, right? I mean, where else can you learn about powdered baby capsules and dinosaur tooting? NOWHERE.
Well, I saved the best for last. You’ve all been just waiting to hear about how you menfolk can get more sexier, right? Here we go, fellas.
I KNOW! Isn’t that the easiest thing you’ve ever heard of? You thought I’d say something hard like GET A JOB or WRITE USING PROPER GRAMMAR or STOP SAYING THE WORD DUDE ALL THE TIME but no! Just pop on over to the grocery, grab a Yoplait, and soon – you are going to be beating the ladies off with many sticks. That is not a euphemism.
So, scientists were testing good and bad diets on mice. One set of mice got a low-fiber, high-fat diet, and the other set of mice got “standard mouse meals,” whatever that is. Pellets or whatever, I guess. Then half of the standard mouse meal group also got a little vanilla yogurt every day. I assume because the scientists were whimsical. Oh, wait, no, it was to test how probiotics affected the mice. Whimsy did not play into it at all. FINE. I do so like whimsy.
But then, the scientists noticed that the coats of the yogurt mice were very shiny. Those were stylish mice, with shiny flowing locks! Like supermodel mice! They had “luxuriantly silky fur.” That’s nice! Tyra Banks would approve. She would also tell them to make sure they smized. That’s SMILING with their EYES, in case you’re wondering.
THEN, the scientists noticed – well, let me have them tell you:
Then the researchers spotted something particular about the males: they projected their testes outward, which endowed them with a certain “mouse swagger,” Erdman says. On measuring the males, they found that the testicles of the yogurt consumers were about 5 percent heavier than those of mice fed typical diets alone and around 15 percent heavier than those of junk-eating males.
ZOMG “mouse swagger.” MOUSE SWAGGER. I’m totally imagining them as luxuriant-locked mouse-pimps. With little canes. And hats. And gold jewelry. And maybe gold grillzzzz.
So eating yogurt gives you swagger and big old testicles and luxuriant locks. See? See why all you fellas need to be eating the yogurt?
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! It SLICES it DICES!
More important, that masculinity pays off. In mating experiments, yogurt-eating males inseminated their partners faster and produced more offspring than control mice. Conversely, females that ate the yogurt diets gave birth to larger litters and weaned those pups with greater success. Reflecting on their unpublished results, Erdman and Alm think that the probiotic microbes in the yogurt help to make the animals leaner and healthier, which indirectly improves sexual machismo.
So, they’re totally fast on the inseminating, they make more babies, and the lady-yogurt-eaters ALSO have more babies and are able to wean these massive litters more quickly. Also, “sexual machismo.” NEW BAND NAME NEW BAND NAME.
Do these findings translate to humans? Well! Ask the scientists!
The findings could have implications for human fertility. In ongoing work, a team led by Harvard nutritional epidemiologist Jorge Chavarro has looked at the association between yogurt intake and semen quality in men. “So far our preliminary findings are consistent with what they see in the mice,” Chavarro says.
EXCELLENT. I know the first thing I think about when I’m looking for a potential mate is semen quality. So if I see a man walking around with a yogurt cup, I can be sure he’s got top-notch swimmers. This is excellent. I won’t have to walk around with one of those semen-quality-testing kits like people have for testing pool-water anymore! That’ll free me up for carrying around other things, I suppose, like sexy nighties and candles and such for all the sex I’ll be having with all the yogurt-eaters.
So, what have we learned today?
Things that are bad:
- pills with powdered dead babies inside
Things that are humorous:
- Dinosaur farts
Things that are SEXY:
- Yogurt-eating mice and/or humans
I hope you have learned many things. Men, go out and buy a yogurt today. If you do this right, you could be the sexiest ever by Memorial Day. And everyone wants to have a sexy Memorial Day. EVERYONE.