Listen, I decided yesterday I might be the worst bon vivant, because I almost wept when I opened my door, I was so glad to be home. I mean, sure, it was nice to be on vacation, but it was even NICER to be in my own home, with my things all where I wanted them, and Dumbcat, and my television and my bed. OH MY BED. Listen, I slept like a dead person last night. Eight straight hours. Didn’t even wake once. Only woke up when I did because I had to go to the bathroom. I didn’t sleep that much when I was on vacation even once. I was working with a sleep deficit, I think. I made up for it admirably.
OK, so yesterday was THE LONGEST DAY EVER ZOMG.
This bears little on our tale, but the night before, we went to a restaurant that was a ROADHOUSE and you could throw peanut shells on the floor. This made Dad happy because he likes to make a mess so he threw SO MANY PEANUT SHELLS ON THE FLOOR. Also, the food was good and my margarita was huge and frosty and I got a dessert in a little tiny bucket that I got to keep and bring home. It was kind of adorable. So if you go somewhere that they have such things, go to Logan’s Roadhouse (caution, that website makes a shit-ton of noise when you click on it.) They let you make a mess! On purpose!
First, we stayed in a hotel. The hotel was not conducive to getting a good night’s sleep. It was the loudest hotel in the history of loud hotels. There was an air conditioner that sounded like a jet engine taking off; there were walls that were as thin as paper so you could hear everything the neighbors were doing (and apparently the neighbor on one side of us had some sort of sneezing sickness because he SNEEZED EVERY FIVE SECONDS); and the bathroom had this toilet that flushed with the pressure of like an industrial suction machine or something and you could hear it a kajillion miles away. So I put on my MP3 player but I can’t sleep if I hear music. I mean, it cut out the sound of neighbors, but it still made me hear music. So I tossed and turned and grumped and grumped for the entire night. Not fun times. Amy with not enough sleep = bad news.
After a very bad experience with the hotel wafflemaker (I LOSE AT HOTEL WAFFLEMAKING! I did NOT put in enough batter and it was all lopsided and very, very sad) it was time to go to the airport. Dad was driving back home yesterday, and was torn between getting an early start or driving me to the airport, then turning around and backtracking and getting on the road. There was a free shuttle that would bring me to the airport, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted me to take it because he kept saying, “If I put you on the free shuttle, you’ll think I don’t love you.” I EXPLAINED that I would think NO SUCH THING, but he was all, “NO NO NO” so when he was busy elsewhere I signed myself up for the free shuttle and took the decision out of his hands.
The free shuttle was kind of harrowing because the man driving it seemed to think he was a cast member of The Dukes of Hazzard. There were a lot of quick stops and turns where I swear we were up on two wheels and lots of honking. I’m pretty sure none of us were in THAT much of a hurry to get to the airport, and also that we would like to be alive to get on our plane. I did a lot of grabbing at the seat and thinking, “Holy hell, I think we’re going to die right now, this is NOT how I planned on going out.”
Once we got to the airport, I realized that I was much, much too early to check in for my flight, so I had to sit and wait and wait and wait. I had a book, though. That was good. Listen, if you ever go on vacation, I recommend taking a G. R. R. Martin novel, because you will have PLENTY to read wherever you find yourself. Although, listen, people who have read the Song of Ice and Fire series, did A Feast for Crows lag a little for you? I’m not saying I don’t like it. I do. It’s fine. But I have a couple of problems. The fact that it’s missing a couple of my favorite characters, for one. The fact that it’s introducing new characters that I’m a wee bit bored by, for two. And it’s very heavy on the – um, what’s it called. Heraldry? There’s a lot of “this house’s sign is three ravens holding hearts in their mouths on a field of blue” that goes on for PAGES and listen, I’m sure if I were a child of Westeros that would be important for me to know? But mostly I want to get to the ACTION. Even the chapters with my people, which I have to wade through boring stuff to get to, seem a little pale. It’s fine, I’m not saying I want to stop reading the series or anything, of course I don’t. But it’s not as good as the three books leading up to it have been, that’s all. Who’s read the next book in the series? Does it get back on track?
Anyway, that was a huge tangent. OH! ALSO! Is the HBO series taking on a life if its own or what? I guess it’s following the True Blood model of “meh, start with the source material and then just go all willy-nilly wherever you want?” The end of last night’s episode, I was all, “WHAT THE EFF? This is a new development.”
Oh, ok, back to it. So I waited and waited and finally they opened the gate and I was the sixth person in line and the line was moving slow like molasses and some woman was all, “If you’re not checking anything, you can express check in over here” so I left the line and went over there only to find out that NO YOU COULD NOT, not unless you’d web-checked-in the night before. MISLEADING. Don’t make lying announcements, airline lady. So then I had to get to the BACK of the line because I don’t cut lines, that’s an asshole thing to do. So then there were a MILLION people in front of me, give or take a million.
Then it was time to go through security again. I totally had liquids in my bag that I didn’t bother to put in a quart baggie and declare. I know. I’m a total terrorist. I had three bottles of nailpolish. I could bring down a whole PLANE with those. I was very tired and was all, “Let’s see if they make me throw them away. Probably they won’t.” Now, everyone at security was totally cranky, until they saw my Dr. Horrible t-shirt. Then they were MY BEST FRIENDS. I’m not even kidding, apparently everyone at that airport was a closet geek. I got a “look at that t-shirt” and a “hey, Chuck, check out her t-shirt” and a “yay, Dr. Horrible!” and one woman just waved me to the front of a line after telling me “cool shirt!” This seems to be how you can charm airport security, for future reference, people.
Also, I totally saw some racial profiling going on while I was there. It made my heart hurt. You don’t need to give attitude to an adorable bubbly two-year-old just because her mom is wearing a hijab. I was behind that family in line for a long time and they were SO NICE. If they were terrorists, they were hiding it REALLY WELL. Anyway, no one called me out on my nailpolish (that’s worrisome, how is that not picked up on the scanner? Or is it and they don’t care?), but the man in front of me got in trouble for not taking off his belt. In security’s defense, he was a total douchecanoe about it. There were about fourteen “take off your belt” signs and he was all, “NO ONE TOLD ME I HAD TO TAKE OFF MY BELT! WHY DO I HAVE TO IT’S NOT DANGEROUS.” You’re an ass, take off your damn belt. As we learned at the Marine Center, THAT’S THE RULE.
Then, more waiting, more waiting! The plane was also about half an hour late, even though the board kept saying “on time.” Half an hour late is not “on time.” I saw my cousins again. They were all sunburny. I know people are going to be curious why I am not sunburny. The answer is: I stayed inside as much as I could for my Florida vacation, and when I went out, I slathered on the sunscreen. I am a vampire. I did get one burn, so one arm has a weird farmer’s tan right now that is super-unpretty. It’s the only thing I have that proves I was in Florida. Well, and those creepy wax monkeys. And a bag of seashells.
Then it was time to board the plane. There was a row with no one in it and a stewardess standing in it. (Are they stewardesses anymore? I feel like that’s not PC. What are they now? Oh, Google says they’re flight attendants. Why am I stuck in the 60s? Sorry, lady.) She said if I sat there, I had to be prepared to HELP IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY. “Are you prepared to help in case of an emergency?” she asked. I very seriously told her, “I think I would win at that. I’m very good at helping. And emergencies.” She looked at me like I was a crazy person, sighed, and told me I could sit there. It was awesome, with lots of leg room, but no tray table. A weird hipster girl sat next to me and she was wearing a fedora. I didn’t like that much. But she was quiet, so who cares.
We totally had to have special emergency training for our special job, which was “in case of emergency, look out your window. If the plane is not underwater, open the door that is also your window and usher people out. You go out last.” So in other words, in case of emergency, I was like a hall monitor, and also I would probably die because I had to wait until everyone was out to leave. Also, I had to read the emergency materials in the back pocket of the seat. The thing that cracked me up was that it gave you pictorial instructions on how to save all the lives, and one of the things it told you NOT to do was, once you opened the window-door, not to stop to have a cigarette while you were out there. You know. As you do. You’re all, “THE PLANE’S ON FIRE! I have OPENED THE WINDOW-DOOR! Everyone, out this way! Just a sec, I’m totally having a nicotine fit, I’ll help you through that window-door in a sec, Granny McGurk.” FINE. I was totally prepared for this imaginary emergency.
Except I was very tired so I fell asleep about ten minutes into the flight and slept until about half an hour before we landed. So if there was an emergency, I probably wouldn’t have been much good. I’m pretty groggy once I wake up. Also, I’m pretty sure I was so tired I was snoring. Whenever I woke up, the hipster chick was watching me like I’d gone bonkers. When I’m really tired, HIPSTER CHICK, I snore like a CHAINSAW. I am SORRY I interrupted you reading your INDIE POETRY MAGAZINE while you listen to BON IVER.
Then we landed and I drove home while listening to loud music and eating all the wasabi peas and when I got home, Dumbcat was meowing and meowing because he apparently thought I was dead, and has not stopped yet. It’s been about 14 hours. Still hasn’t stopped. Well, he might have stopped when I slept, I don’t know. I slept like a dead person, as mentioned. I woke up and he was under my covers, all snuggled up to me like a hot water bottle of a cat. He is SO HAPPY I’m not dead. Poor dumb boy. I feel bad he thought I was dead.
Now I’m home. In the time I’ve been home, I slept, put away my vacation things, and purchased enough theater and concert tickets to keep the local economy going for a good long while. No, seriously, I have the most shows and events planned for the next month, it’s insane. Ready? Ready?
This month, I’m seeing The Farnsworth Invention, The Real Thing, Hair, Hairspray, and God of Carnage (those are all the live theater shows); running auditions for Twelfth Night; ushering for The Farnsworth Invention; seeing Ingrid Michaelson in a sold-out show at one of my favorite venues; as well as various things like rehearsals and board meetings and such. And seeing two of my favorite people on Saturday who are coming in from out of town to see a show with me. Oh, and working, can’t forget that, blech. I ALSO got tickets for Conor Oberst in July and – AND!!! – sixth row aisle for my favorite concert ever, which I’ve seen three times before and this will be the fourth – ARLO GUTHRIE IN NOVEMBER! I could not be more excited about that one. I got the announcement he was coming and screamed a little while I was on vacation and Dad was all “You really need to stop blowing out my eardrums like that, you are SO LOUD” but it’s Arlo! Right before THANKSGIVING! (Dad hates Arlo. Who can guess why? That’s right. He’s a dirty hippie.)
OK. This is long enough, and I have a million things to do before auditions tonight. SO HAPPY TO BE HOME. Bon vivantery has its place, but I’m happy to be back. Thank you all for coming on vacation with me! Back to the grind tomorrow. Happy Monday, all! Hope your day is full of unicorn rainbow kittens!