Whatever it takes. WHATEVER IT TAKES I SAID.

Well, here we are. Just a couple days more, then we’re back to New York. As much as I’m enjoying vacation (and I am, I so am) I am missing Dumbcat, and my own bed, and my own apartment, a little. Also I have a lot of theater things to do back at home. Many shows opening while I’m gone! Lots to see when I get back! So although I’m not looking forward to going back to work, I am looking forward to getting back to my life, I suppose. I like my life. It’s shiny.

Today we’re sitting around doing nothing and enjoying relaxing. I’m doing laundry. Dad’s running on the beach or something hot and uncomfortable like that. Later we’re going somewhere swanky for dinner. Margaritas will no doubt be involved. And we’re preparing ourselves for a very strenuous day of walking around the gigantic flea market tomorrow. That will be exciting. I plan on buying all manner of crap.

So since you don’t get a million photos of me geeking about about zoo animals today, I thought I’d fill you all in on what’s going on in Florida, news-wise. What’s going on in Florida, news-wise, Amy? you’re asking. Well! Let me just tell you.

ALL THE INSANITY.

Dad watches a lot of news. A lot. Mostly it’s Fox News? So that’s making me want to stab myself in the earholes with knitting needles. Not that I have knitting needles. I do not. Probably that’s good. If I did, Florida Vacation: The Deafening might be happening.

Things I have learned about Fox News in the past week:

• The anchors on Fox News are super-shouty
• Everyone on Fox News hates Obama, and apparently he is the cause of all evil in the WHOLE WORLD ZOMG
• The lady-anchors on Fox News all look like models; it’s off-putting
• The man-anchors on Fox News tend to have very stiff toupee-like hair-areas

Things I have learned about my dad when he is watching Fox News:

• He talks to it as if it can hear him
• It makes him VERY RILED UP
• If you make fun of it at all, he gets SO PISSED ZOMG
• If you leave the room because Fox News starts saying “the liberal-media created War on Women which doesn’t really exist” and your dad is all “SEE AMY THE WAR ON WOMEN YOU’RE ALL UPSET ABOUT ISN’T REAL” he gets PISSED, yo, and says things like “you’ll never learn if you act like an ostrich sticking its head in the sand”

In summation: if I never watch Fox News again, it will be too soon. Also, this GIF makes me laugh. I love Jon Stewart.

But, we also watch a lot of local news. That’s because Dad likes to know about his lottery numbers, because he’s sure he’s going to win the lottery while he’s here. I’d like that. We could buy a beachfront villa and I could walk on the beach EVERY EVERY DAY. Oh, speaking of, I have the best collection of pretty smooth shells going on right now, I can’t even tell you. And they’re arrayed pleasingly on a paper towel. I like to look at them like they’re pirate booty. Arr.

So, in all this local-news watching, we see a lot of insanity. Someone seems to get murdered around here every single day. It’s worrisome. Why so many murders, Florida? It’s so pretty here, can’t you just walk on the beach and relax? Pick up some shells? Listen to the surf? No? Is it because it’s so hot? What’s the deal, yo?

Anyway, let’s not talk about the murders. They’re too murdery. I’m on vacation. I don’t want to think too hard about all these murders. Let’s talk about the weird and insane news, instead.

First, we have a very shady cop. Who RUINED DISNEY FOR CHILDREN.

So this cop was on duty at Disney, and WHILE on duty, he broke into a minivan in the parking lot, and removed a purse. He then brought the purse back to his vehicle, took money out of the CHILDREN’S WALLETS he found inside, then returned it to the minivan. Apparently, his fellow officers were suspicious of him, so they had him under surveillance, and saw the whole thing.

Now, guess how much money he stole from these happy children who were breakfasting with Mickey or hiding from that weirdo Goofy or whatever at the time?

FIFTY-FIVE DOLLARS.

Dumbass broke into a vehicle and went to court and is on unpaid leave (and will probably lose his job, I can’t see how he won’t) for LESS THAN MY MONTHLY GAS BILL. Not that it really matters. The news reporter on television said they were amassing evidence he’d done it a number of other times to a number of other Disney patrons.

He’s been a cop for ten years. I don’t even want to know what led him to think that this was a good idea, and that he wouldn’t get caught for it. I mean, I guess people might not check their wallets until they get back to the hotel, or something, and aren’t there signs in most parking lots that you can’t hold the company liable for items left in your vehicle that go missing, so maybe people wouldn’t think they could report it, or something? But dude, come ON, it’s DISNEY. You’re going to steal from people going to Disney? Really? That’s kind of low, right? You’re a jackhole.

Next: MONKEYS ARE ON THE DAMN LOOSE YOU GUYS.

UGH UGH UGH.

This was on the news last night and I almost died of scary, then died again of thinking of being dead and the MONKEYS would show up and CLIMB ON MY DEAD BODY. And then the monkeys would have won.

So apparently in Oviedo, Florida (which is about 42 miles from where I am right now) they have wild chickens, which is weird and wild enough. But NOW there are reports of a ROGUE MONKEY.

Two different people reported that they saw a monkey all running around willy-nilly through town. When asked about it, the cop in charge of the case said, “”We have no reports from anyone missing a monkey.” You know what that means, right? THAT MONKEY IS NOT A PET. He is a CRIMINAL MASTERMIND and he either lives there or hitchhiked there and he’s there to cause some sort of ruckus. I am VERY WORRIED ABOUT THIS.

They seem to interview very unintelligent people on the local news, and one of the guys they interviewed last night said, “I don’t know where that monkey came from. Maybe it’s a wild monkey?”

What? There aren’t wild monkeys here. Are there wild monkeys here? STOP IT STOP IT RIGHT NOW.

Finally, and my MOST FAVORITE SLASH UPSETTING NEWS STORY YET!

I give you: the man who WANTED A PUPPY NO MATTER WHAT!

A couple of days ago, this was all over the news. Now I can’t find anything about it other than this little mention. Let’s see what I can remember.

A man walked into a pet store and was looking at all the puppies. He wanted one of them. The clerk told him how much it would be. (I think the report said it was something like $900? Whatever, GO TO THE SHELTER, those dogs are BETTER and also CHEAPER) and he did NOT like that price. So he pulled a wrench out of his pocket and thumped it into his hand a few times and told the clerk he wanted the damn puppy.

I am not sure what happened at this point, other than he did not get the puppy and left. The clerk didn’t report it to the cops. I get that. We got threatened at the Humane Society like fifteen times a day and we didn’t report it all to the cops. Who wants to bother the cops all damn day long? No one.

But then, later that day, the wrench-wielder came BACK with a whole POSSE and spent TWO HOURS in the store. And the clerk STILL didn’t call the cops. And then at the end of the night, he and his girlfriend cornered the clerk over by the dog they wanted (which was in a baby crib – for some reason, all of these dogs were in baby cribs) and started menacingly swinging the wrench, which was now in a sock, over the dog, and at the clerk. And he told he clerk he would do “whatever it took” to walk out the door with that dog. WHATEVER IT TOOK.

Why the hell didn’t the clerk call the cops when he came in with a whole gang of killers? That’s weird. THIS WHOLE STORY IS WEIRD.

Then they just…left? I don’t know. Listen, local news here is vague, vague,vague. That wouldn’t fly in Albany. We like our news stories to have a POINT. No adorable crib-puppies were stolen in the making of this story. So, apparently, he wouldn’t do WHATEVER it took. Like, he wouldn’t actually STEAL the puppy. He probably would take it if the clerk gave it to him. This shows a total lack of commitment to me, honestly.

Then, I saw this post over at Sprocket Ink today, and this just is the capper to weird Florida news, seriously. He not ONLY had dog-sex, he took MULTIPLE PHOTOS OF IT.

WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS STATE. It’s probably best that I’m leaving, there is more monkey business/thievery/wrench-shenanigans than a person can handle.

Off to enjoy the rest of the day. Flea market tomorrow! I’ll buy you all a tattoo. Or a wig. Whee!