(I know, I screwed up and published this last night. In my defense, I was exhausted and have vacation-brain. Please forgive, if you’ve already read this. I would put in new content for those of you who were up last night when it published, but NO TIME NO TIME. Also, Dad’s getting antsy at all the time I’m spending on the computer. THANKS FOR COCKBLOCKING THE INTERNET DAD.)
Here we are on vacation! First real day. And WHOO what a day!
OK, first, I’ve been trying to keep up with all the Twitter and Facebook and blogs while also vacationing and wow, I really do a lot of things in my real life, don’t I? It’s exhausting. I mean, I almost didn’t have time to take a nap today. But don’t worry. I totally did. Yes, I managed to do ALL THE THINGS today AND take a nap. I know. Like a boss.
Let’s see. Well, let’s start with: it is a good thing I do not live with my dad regularly, I think we would murder one another.
I woke up this morning at 6:30. I think you’re supposed to sleep in during vacation but I was a., very very excited, and b., very, very hot. Because I wanted to sleep with the balcony door open to hear the ocean swish swish swishing. But that meant we couldn’t have the air conditioning on. So it was SO SO HOT. I think probably listening to the ocean swish won’t happen tonight if it means I can get a little more sleep.
When you are up at 6:30 it makes for a very long day when you’re on vacation. I mean, I’m up at 6:20 normally but not when I’m on VACATION. Blergh.
So it was 6:30 and my eyes weren’t even open and my dad wanted to plan out our WHOLE VACATION.
Dad: Good, you’re finally up. Let’s look at all these brochures.
Me: I’m not really up. Only physically. I need some breakfast.
Dad: Look, here’s a brochure for an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Me: You picked up a brochure for a buffet? Buffets make brochures?
Dad: Because after the buffet, you can take a cruise to see dolphins.
Me: I would be more excited about this if it wasn’t 6:30 in the morning.
Dad: Here’s a brochure for the flea market we’re going to.
Me: What’s up with the breakfast situation, do you think?
Dad: Look, at the flea market there’s a snack bar.
Me: And a tattoo shop, and a tooth-whitening place, and a psychic, and a wig shop. This is awesome.
Dad: You’re not getting those things.
Me: I might, you don’t know.
Dad: Go eat some breakfast.
Me: My plan has succeeded. I am the WINNER.
So then I blogged for a while and Dad was VERY DISGUSTED by the fact that I was on the interwebs and we could be doing something else. I kept telling him to do something else and I’d still be at the table blogging but he didn’t take the bait. Also, he’s still convinced you’re all killers. Sorry. Still working on it.
After I FINALLY finished blogging and Dad was all “huff huff you’ve wasted the WHOLE DAY” (it was 9am, I don’t think that counts as the “whole” day, but I guess when you’re retired your day starts a lot earlier?) we went driving around the town to look at things. This is a thing that Dad likes to do. I didn’t mind. There were many things to look at. Like:
A CAR CALLED A VOLKSWAGEN THING!
A LOT OF OLD PEOPLE!
WATER WATER WATER!
Then we went to Walmart because we were out of bread. All we had was bagels. Dad hated the bagels because when he made a sandwich with them, the mustard would squirt out the hole and get all over him. This was like an hour-long discussion yesterday. “We could buy some bread, Dad.” “I HATE THIS HOLEY BREAD.” “I know you do. So let’s buy some bread?” “DAMMIT I AM ALL COVERED IN MUSTARD.”
After Walmart, it was time for lunch. Lunch was at a place that was supposedly “world-renowned” but really it was a bar with a lot of things on the wall, like a bumper sticker that said “An old bastard lives here.” I thought that was a confusing thing to hang in a bar, because does someone really live in a bar? Weird. Dad thought it was HYSTERICAL. Also, their drinks were too small and way overpriced.
BUT BUT BUT. You could sit outside and eat and the water was right there, so that was nice. And when we were eating (hey! Rich! I had grouper per your recommendation and it was delicious! Thank you!) I heard the people at the table next to me say “There it is! The dolphin!” AND THERE WAS A DOLPHIN RIGHT NEXT TO WHERE WE WERE EATING.
So I ran to the pier-thing attached to the restaurant (along with a bunch of children, because DOLPHINS) and there was a dolphin RIGHT THERE. I took a photo but it’s far away and looks like a shark.
So then the dolphin disappeared and I was like, oh, well, that was the coolest. THEN, I heard a noise, and I looked down, and THE DOLPHIN WAS RIGHT AT MY FEET. And it turned over and showed its stomach then put its face out and went “click click click” and made dolphin-noises. And I totally laughed out loud like a delighted child and said “OOOOMMMMGGGG” and there were these two adorable blonde children there, and the older one looked at me, very seriously, and said “Dolphins DO that, lady.”
So apparently the children think I’m soft in the head. That’s ok, though. A DOLPHIN was right at my FEET. And I think it was talking to me. I didn’t get a photo of that because it startled me and I didn’t have a chance for a photo. Dammit. I would never make a good photojournalist. When I finally went back to my table, I told Dad, and he said, “what was it saying?” and I said, “probably that Timmy was in the well. Also it wants me to take it home with me and keep it in my bathtub.” Dad didn’t think that was a good idea, but I think it would be a good friend for the penguin I want to keep in my fridge and the otter I want to keep in my sink.
Then we came home, because we had a few hours to wait until cheap margarita time at happy hour. Dad did many beachy things like running on the beach and sunning on the beach. I wish I could tell you I also participated, but really what I did was play with Twitter and nap.
Then, in the middle of my nap, a killer tried to break into the condo. There was a very brisk knock on the door so I got up all sleepy-eyed and said “Hello?” and looked out the peephole and no one was there, so then I realized it was the classic horror-movie trick and I was about to be psychokilled but then I realized I was just really tired so I fell back to sleep. Then later tonight, the knock happened AGAIN, and I was all, “Dad, that is a killer, we’re toast” and he said, “you know that’s the icemaker, right?”
Yeah, I almost got psychokilled by the icemaker.
Then (I know, right? Long day) we went to some steakhouse for cheap margaritas and dinner. There were a lot of barflies at the bar. I don’t know that I’ve ever been anywhere with real barflies. One guy had a wooden leg, like a pirate.
I had two big margaritas. That was enough. I get sleepy easily.
Then we came home and I realized, I need to go walk on the beach, I didn’t even DO that yet today.
So I went for a walk on the beach at sunset. Listen, it’s really hard to be sarcastic about how pretty this was. So I won’t.
Also, I found a lot of pretty shells. Also, a dead crab. I didn’t pick that one up. No one wants to go to Florida and get crabs.
Also, in the elevator, I saw this sign, which made me laugh like a moron. So I of course I took a photo of it. When the elevator doors opened, someone was standing there who looked at me like a weirdo for taking a photo of something in the elevator. Sorry, condo person. It was super-funny to me.
Entrapment! Like we’re in the FBI! That’s exciting! This sign makes me WANT to jump. Like Kriss Kross.
Now it’s time to see if I can get The Amazing Race and Game of Thrones to work on my laptop, and then go to sleep. Tomorrow? We’re going to see TURTLES. No, really. Look! Here’s the website! Here’s a photo!
They have sea turtle rehabilitation and a stingray touch pool. You know I love to touch animals. This is going to be great. Dad thinks the stingray will kill me like Steve Irwin but I think that probably won’t happen or they wouldn’t allow it in a touch pool and if they did, the touch pool would have to be called a death pool.
Yay, vacation! So glad you’re all virtually here with me!