Remember a few days ago, I was all, hey, we don’t talk about sex enough around here? Well, friends, neighbors, and, yes, especially you, Ding Dong Joe, the TIME has COME. It’s Saturday! And it’s time for talking about ALL THE SEX! OK, well maybe not all the sex. SOME of the sex. And, just a warning, it’s probably not all that sexy. More “perplexing” and “generally off-putting” and “ew ew ew”-ing, overall. Sorry. Did you think things were actually going to get SEXY around here? Oh, I’m sorry. No. No, they’re not.
Are you ready?
In this article I discovered today (helpfully entitled “Robots: The gateway to ‘mind-blowing sex’?” NO THEY ARE NOT I ANSWERED YOUR QUESTION) I learned some very important things.
Like, ROBOTS ARE THE WHORES OF THE FUTURE!
The gentleman above (please put air-quotes around “gentleman”), Douglas Hines, the founder of True Companion, has invented the horrifying soulless sex-doll up there. Her name is Roxxxy. The triple-xxxs are for how SEXXXY she is. She is also programmable, so Roxxxy can become Wild Wanda or Frigid Farrah. No, don’t think too hard about why you’d want to purchase a $7,000-$9,000 sex doll and program her to NOT have sex with you (unless you can program her to clean your house or go to to work for you so you can sleep in and blog all day, in which case, yep, I’ll take one, please, as long as I don’t have to touch her in any sort of carnal manner, ew.)
Apparently, according to this article, by 2050, all prostitution is going to be with robots. Because robots are cleanly. And can be hosed off between uses. (NO the article didn’t say “hosed off.” I did.) If we use sex robots, it will cut down on STDs and human trafficking. Well, I’m down with that. No one likes those things.
However, NO ONE LIKES THAT SEX ROBOT, EITHER.
According to the article, “What’s more, the authors add that robots will be so good at their job that they could serve as a gateway to ‘mind-blowing sex that few people currently experience.’ This, in turn, will make more people open to sex with a robot.”
Heh, “open to sex with a robot.” I am…apparently five years old.
Um. I don’t…really? There are men that read this blog. I’ve seen them. Would you have sex with a sex robot, men that read my blog? FINE, pretend you’re not married, if that’s what’s stopping you. Does that photo above turn your crank? Comment anonym0usly, if you want. I don’t care. I’m honestly curious. Like, maybe not because you’re turned ON by sex robots. But, maybe out of curiosity, or something? Just once, to see what it’s like to have sex with a sex robot? I think it’s important that I know this information.
OK, so you KNOW that I researched the website of this sex robot company, right? Of course I did.
OK, so here it is. It’s not REALLY NSFW, but it’s a little ick, so proceed with caution, my little marshmallow peeps.
On the homepage, you see one of the sex robots. You can tell she’s a sex robot because she’s all arched up. Also, shiny. Because she’s made of plastic. SEXXXY plastic. If you left her in the car on a hot day, your sex robot would get melty.
Apparently, the article I quoted above had overly-inflated prices. The prices are MUCH more reasonable. For only $995-$7,000, YOU, TOO, can own a sex robot. Because they’re having a SALE. I love sales, I don’t know if I can resist now.
Now, I’d love to show you some sex robots, but there don’t seem to be a lot of photos. So apparently, you just have to trust True Companion to send you something super-sexy.
For $995, you can get a Roxxxy Pillow. This is just what it sounds like. It is a PILLOW you can FORNICATE WITH. Here’s what the site has to say about the pillow you can screw:
“RoxxxyPillow is a sex robot which is 50 pounds and is stored within a pillow. We basically took our RoxxxySilver, took away the arms and legs and created a pillow which the head and body of the sex robot are stored within. The price is right, she is light and very discreet!”
It has no ARMS or LEGS. It is a HEAD and a BODY. So, in other words, if you buy it, you are getting this:
No, you’re not really getting Sherilyn Fenn. You’re getting that horrifying object at the top of my blog up there with the lamprey-mouth. Made of plastic.
But, no, wait, apparently that photo above was from 2010. Listen, it’s 2012! Technology is SO MUCH MORE ADVANCED NOW! This is what your sex robot will look like now:
So you’ve got your sex pillow – your “light and very discreet” sex pillow (ZOMG, you could totally take it on business trips – “what’s that, Frank?” “Oh, nothing, just a…um…pillow…I brought with me…because…I don’t like…hotel pillows…”) if you want something on the lower-end, price-wise. But what if you’re just rolling in the money and love having sex with plastic?
Your mid-range sex robot – the RoxxxySilver – TOTALLY has arms and legs. Whoo, what a relief, right? But not as portable. You can’t sling her in a pillowcase and carry her around to have random sex with. That’s a shame, you never know when your urge to have sex with a robot will strike.
Want to hear more about RoxxxySilver? Well, of course you do.
From the website:
“RoxxxySilver is the entry level price for our full size Roxxxy robot (with arms and legs). She is basically the same general features as RoxxxyGold but she can only talk “sex talk” when she is interacting and she cannot hear. The base price for RoxxxySilver is $2,995.00.”
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “What’s this ‘sex talk’ thing? Why is she deaf? WHAT IS HAPPENING?”
Yes, minions. The sex robots TALK TO YOU. And LISTEN TO YOU. And, if you buy the pricey one? THEY INTERACT WITH YOU LIKE THE CREEPY ROBOT PEOPLE IN THAT A.I. MOVIE.
I like that this robot can only talk “sex talk.” I can’t even imagine how UNsexy this must be. Can you even imagine some of the dialogue from a porn, but in a weird electronic robot voice? “Har-der, fas-ter, yes yes yes” but all metallic and shit? NO THANK YOU.
Here’s a video of it talking. I’d embed it, because it’s HILARIOUS, but that “gentleman” above started pulling off the robot’s panties 3/4 of the way through and it took a total dark turn and I don’t want that here. But if you want to see the robot talk and a really, really awkward scientist-type guy try to make it look sexxxy and it is SO NOT SEXXXY, please click. Seriously, the whole time I was watching this I was all, “what is happening WHAT IS HAPPENING.” And also laughing like a moron. And saying “ew ew ew SO NOT SEXXY.” You have got to see this thing move. And the whirring, clicking noises it makes. It is possibly the worst thing I’ve seen all week. And I watch a LOT of crap.
OK, so now you’re super-rich and you want ALL the bells and ALL the whistles? RoxxxyGold, baby.
“RoxxxyGold is our premiere full size sex robot (with arms and legs). She looks exactly like RoxxxySilver. The major difference between RoxxxyGold and RoxxxySilver is that RoxxxyGold can hear you when you speak and she does not just carry on ‘sex talk’.”
Well, then RoxxxyGold is more likely to murder you in your sleep and pod-people you and take over your life, just so you know.
What else can Roxxxy do? Well, without being too graphic…um…here, I’ll let the website tell you.
Roxxxy is designed using the body of a fine arts model. All three Roxxxy’s have three “inputs” and are anatomically consistent with real woman! (Hee, “inputs.” That couldn’t be less sexxxy and more electronic if it tried.)
RoxxxyGold can listen, talk, carry on a conversation and feel your touch as well as move her private areas inside when she is being “utilized”, for an unforgettable erotic experience. (“Unforgettable” or “forever burned into your brain area, so much so that a celebrated therapist couldn’t extricate it?” Also, “feel your touch?” That is horrifying.)
RoxxxyGold has a personality which is matched as much as possible to your personality. So she likes what you like, dislikes what you dislike, etc. She also has moods during the day just like real people! She can be sleepy, conversational or she can “be in the mood”! (Why does this company assume I want to have sex with someone JUST LIKE ME? I’m not that great. I think I’d like to be with someone as UNLIKE me as possible. If we were always in the same mood that would get old fast. Also, sometimes Roxxxy is sleepy? Or conversational? What if I don’t feel like chatting? She sounds like the worst roommate ever.)
Oh, and and AND, on top of the Frigid Farrah and Wild Wanda nonsense, there are three other personalities – a young girl (EW EW), an old woman (what?) and a dominatrix. And – ready? “You can add to the 5 preloaded girlfriend profiles and your Roxxxy’s personality. You can also change the existing 5 personalities to better suit your preferences!”
You are aware what this means, right?
This is totally about making one’s own Buffybot. No joke. Well, except it’s creepy. It’s totally creepy. Well, I mean, I guess the Buffybot was creepy, too, since she was created to be Spike’s sex robot, but at least she was HOT.
Don’t worry – if you are only turned on my certain hair or eye colors, that’s totally customizable, as well. My favorite choice for hair color that was offered was “patchy.” There was a photo but it was very small. All I could think of when I saw the word “patchy” was when in the movie The Craft they put that spell on the bitchy swimmer and her hair fell out in clumps and the special effects were so horrible? So, that’s sexxxy.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. But I like to have sex with MEN-TYPE PEOPLE! Well. Don’t you even WORRY.
There’s also Rocky. The MALE sex-robot.
Rocky is described as everyone’s dream date! – just imagine putting together a great body along with a sparkling personality where your man is focused on making you happy! This is Rocky!
When you are using Rocky’s private “area”, it is like sleeping with a beautiful hunk that is really big down there and he moves it around to please you instead of just pleasing himself! Plus, the vibrations from his manhood coupled with his erotic personality is described as unbeatable. He also waits for you to finish before he calls it a night!
Hmm. Private “area.” Those seem like oddly-placed quotes. Also, I think all the men I’ve been with have been broken. Their manhoods did not vibrate. I am really disappointed right now.
I’d love to show you a picture of Rocky, mainly because I want to see Rocky, but there are NO PHOTOS. I am having trouble believing Rocky exists. I think Rocky is a Canadian girlfriend.
And YES, I will totally answer my own question from above. I’d have to see Rocky the Sex Robot before I make that call, but preemptively, I’m going to say that no. No, I would not, even out of curiosity, have sex with a sex robot. Because I think it would make me laugh so hard I’d injure myself, and how the hell do you explain THAT when the EMTs show up? “Oh, this? This is my…um…sex robot…oh, please don’t make me laugh again, please, I think I’ve pulled something.”
Now, the Frequently Asked Questions section of the website has a lot of important things we need to know, such as:
For a date, what kind of place would Roxxxy like to go and which personality would you suggest be turned on for this kind of romantic setting?
She is comfortable staying home and watching a movie or ordering dinner to be delivered.
(In other words, please, PLEASE, for the love of PETE, do NOT bring your sex robot to Burger King. You’ll scare the children. The only person who could carry that out and still seem adorable was Ryan Gosling in the sex doll movie.)
Does she have an off switch?
Yes, she has an off switch.
(You know, in case you don’t feel like that robotic voice chattering away to you all the time, constantly BOTHERING you, even when you’re trying to SLEEP, and when you’re not home, the FedEx guy would show up and hear it and be all, “I know someone’s in there! I can hear you!” and Frigid Farrah would be all, “Don’t touch me there, Chuck” and FedEx would NEVER deliver your packages AGAIN and possibly would also call the cops. Do you really want that on your head? Do you?)
Is it true she can talk about soccer?
She can talk to you about soccer, about your stocks in the stock market, etc.
(ZOMG she can talk about SPORTS. And STOCKS. Well, this is an interesting development and makes her totally more sexxxy…no, no wait, no, it doesn’t. Still creepy. Still totally creepy.)
And…in case you were wondering…
We have a cleaning kit which takes care of any messes that may occur.
Oh, good. Good, good, good. So if I drop a whole English muffin pizza on Rocky’s private “area”, I have a way to clean that up. I mean, that’s hypothetical, of course. That didn’t happen to anyone in this household tonight, if you replace “Rocky’s private ‘area'” with “Amy’s khakis.”
And – AND – because I’m always looking out for you, and it’s a shitty economy right now – True Companion is hiring. I can’t guarantee the job opportunity isn’t “you have to have sex with a sex robot without laughing or crying hysterically while people watch,” though. The posting’s kind of vague. What? Stop complaining. Like my mom says when I complain about my job, “It’s a JOB. Do you WANT to be living out of a dumpster?” No, Mom. No, I don’t. I don’t know if I’d ever be living out of a dumpster? I don’t think people actually live out of dumpsters. I think that’s something moms say to scare their children.
(Title’s from one of my favorite songs of all time – The Dresden Dolls’ “Coin-Operated Boy.” Here. Watch. You’ll love. Promise.)