Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 3)

Here we are again, my favorite minions! As you may have noticed, there weren’t so many search terms this month. That’s ok, because listen: THERE WERE A MILLION QUESTIONS. And I love to answer your questions. Love love love.

So, in case you don’t remember, because the search terms posts tend to be was insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally (that’s yesterday’s post, in case you have goldfish-memory) and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. Because I love to give advice and answer questions. LOVE IT. Three different people have informed me I would be excellent at doing some sort of advice show. THREE! I mean, that’s like the whole damn internet, right? So someone really should probably offer me a job doing that soon. Where are the rich people that are supposed to send me to Europe and the television people who should be offering me awesome television jobs? It’s like you people are in hiding, damn.

So, yet again!

Welcome to…

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.


These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And I can answer these questions! I totally can! I mean, I love to be helpful, no joke. I AM HELPFUL.

anyone tried new sandwiches at dunkin donuts  I think a lot of people have tried them. Otherwise they wouldn’t be selling them. There’s the one that looks like it would taste like a hot dog, and the one that looks like a hamburger egg sandwich. I’m going to warn you right now: they look ick. Stick to the boring yet delicious sandwiches like the egg and sausage and cheese or the bacon and egg and cheese. You’re welcome! Happy nomming!

april fools day tricks to play on my grandma NO NO NO. Do NOT play tricks on your grandma. She is OLD. What if she has a heart attack? Wouldn’t you just feel horrible? Also, April Fools is NOT FUNNY. Not for people or animals or grandmas. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. You’re welcome, stop being an asshole.

are brain cyst fatal  Some are, some aren’t. Are you sure a Google search is the best route to take in this situation? I’m thinking maybe see a doctor. How about you see a doctor? You’re welcome, go see a doctor.

is bebe neuwirth sexy Yes sirree she is. You HOPE you look this good when you’re in your 50s:

She’s totally sexy. Also, she’s talented, and funny, and intelligent, and loves animals. She’s kickass. You’re welcome. Excellent choice for a celebrity crush.

can a sugar glider die from eating ear plugs Um. Huh. This is…um. Well, first, call your vet? Second, maybe keep your earplugs away from your sugar glider? Third, who knew that sugar gliders ate earplugs! What an interesting thing to learn. Yeah. Call your vet. Now. You’re welcome.

can aliens fall in love with a human  Well, why wouldn’t they? Humans are AWESOME. They are LOUD and they are FUNNY and they HATE AND FEAR CHANGE and they ALWAYS ARE WANTING TO KILL ALIENS. I mean, if that’s not a recipe for romance, I don’t know what is. Also, I saw that movie Starman. It was FILLED with the romance. So, yes. Yes, they can. You’re welcome. Watch out for the anal probes, I hear they’re a bitch.

So much LURRRVE and hardly any anal probing, that I remember.

can i wear a nose ring during a colonoscopy Huh. Well. My immediate thought was to say, “If they’re going in through your nose, THEY’RE DOING IT WRONG” but then I thought, I don’t know, maybe they put one of those nose breathy-thingamabobbers on you when they knock you out for a colonoscopy. I’ve luckily never had to have one. I’m still young enough my colon is happy and healthy. When I had my thyroid out, I had to take my nose ring out because they had to put a breathing tube on me when they knocked me out. I wasn’t allowed any jewelry at all. So, in short, my answer is, I’m not sure, and talk to the doctor who’s doing it. He or she will tell you. You’re welcome. And, good luck. I’ve heard colonoscopies are…well, un-fun.

can the fbi read my internet searches….if so, hello im just a free thinker who refuses to be controlled like a mule  This made me laugh. A lot. It’s like my dad searched for my blog. HI DAD. In short: yes. The FBI can read your internet searches. I worked for an internet company one summer, and the cops came in a number of times with warrants. With these warrants, they got information on our subscribers so they could look into their internet browsing history and such. So, yeah. Don’t do super-naughty shit online. Or if you do, do it on a public computer or something. However: you win for “refuses to be controlled like a mule.” Hee! You’re welcome. I feel like I should thank YOU, honestly.

handsome black & white movie actors  Oh, there are so many. Men looked lovely in black and white. Here are a few of my favorites. You’re welcome. And thank YOU. Any opportunity to look at handsome men in black and white is A-OK with me.

Jimmy Stewart;

James Garner;

...and, the love of my life, a young, handsome Marlon Brando. Sigh. Swoon. Sigh again.

how to kidding with friends Oh, my. Oh, no. You want to know how to kid with your friends? It’s not something you should have to WORK at. I am so sad for you right now, babe. It should just come naturally, shouldn’t it? Aw. I don’t even have any advice. Just relax, be yourself, watch for social cues if you can, and for a while, maybe mimic what others are doing if it seems to be the kind of kidding you want to be doing? You’re welcome. I’m sorry. That is the saddest.

i inhaled plaster dust, am i going to die Heh! No. Probably not. You’re not going to have the black lung or anything. If you have healthy lungs it’ll be ok. Just don’t do it, like, every DAY or anything. You’re welcome, stop inhaling foreign substances.

if someone asks you if you think you’re pretty what do you say I think you say, first, to yourself, “What kind of asshat asks someone that?” Then you say one of the following things: “I’m very happy with what genetics has given me to work with, thank you,” or “Whose business is that, chumley?” or “Eh, I’m not a psycho hosebeast, I do okay,” or “Look over there, a trained seal!” That last one is to throw people off your trail. Only use that in case of emergency. You’re welcome!

in europe the play by neil labute – reasons to be pretty Are you looking for places to PURCHASE it in Europe? Hell, just go online, all will be well, chipmunk. Or are you looking for performances of it? Not sure about that one. Just keep an eye out. I was lucky enough to see a staged reading of it recently, but we don’t get a lot of LaBute here, either, and we’re kind of a theatery town. You’re welcome. Good luck. It’s an amazing show.

is it bad to post emo statuses  “Bad?” No. “Sad and pathetic?” Yep. Listen, we’ve all done it. We’ve all been in a dark place. We’ve all needed some attention. IT HAPPENS. Just watch it, sunshine. It’s a slippery slope. Once you start with your “my life is a black black place” and you get some feedback you’ll get addicted. Back away from the emo statuses, babe. Not worth it. You’re welcome, watch some cheery television or something.

is it good to shut your mouth with someone who don’t like you at work? Yeah. It is. SIGH. I know, it’s so, so hard. I work with a number of asshats, too. But if you get into a fight at work, you have to see that person EVERY DAY. I got into a fight by accident with a coworker once and she wouldn’t speak to me for over a YEAR. It was SO AWKWARD. So, yeah. Just shush, bite your tongue, and go home and vent on the interwebs like the rest of us do. You’re welcome. I’m sorry. Work is the suck, right? Right.

is it normal to look at alot of porn when you don’t get any at home Um. Well. First, I hate “alot” so much. SO SO MUCH. Second, if you’re not looking at porn at home, where are you looking at it? At work? DON’T DO THAT. That’s the WORST THING. If you look at porn at work, you will not only get fired, people will know you as the creepy “porn in your cubicle” guy. Do you want that? No. No you don’t. Who does, really? Third. Is it “normal?” I don’t know. I’m not the one to ask. I think porn is normal. I don’t watch it, but most people do. So I guess that makes me the not-normal one. I just can’t take it seriously with the music and the thrusting and such. So, I guess it’s normal enough. Just don’t do it at work, goofball. That’s all kinds of wrong. You’re welcome. Don’t be gross.

not knowing if your dating a robot There are ways to tell. You could cut them, to see if they bleed. You could watch them for 24 hours to see if they ever need to plug in or recharge somehow. You could ask them questions to test their empathy. You could ask them hard math questions to see if they answer them super-fast like a calculator. You could go somewhere there’s an electromagnet and see if they stick to it. LOTS OF OPTIONS. You’re welcome. Look out for the robots. They want to steal old people’s medication to use it for fuel.

the great thing about nephews is  ALL THE THINGS. You’re welcome.

the song they wrote when the footballer stole a doughnut from tesco I have NO IDEA but this is SO FUNNY TO ME. Ooh, look, it’s a real thing. A Krispy Kreme! From Tesco! There are Krispy Kremes in England? I didn’t know that! Is there a song? Like, “You stole a DOUGHNUT, you’re such a WINGNUT, go play some FOOTBALL, use your one PHONE CALL…” I rock at on-the-fly song-writing.

ugh why are hippies so annoying DING DING DING best question of the month. UGH. I have NO IDEA. I think because of the patchouli-smell. And the holier-than-thou attitude. And the peace-love-dope. And the refusal to focus on the tasks at hand. UGH is RIGHT. You’re welcome. Just avoid the scent of patchouli, ok? You should be fine.

were sugar gliders ever worshiped Hee! Well, if they weren’t, they should be. SO SO CUTE. You’re welcome, don’t get a sugar glider, they’re totally high-maintenance.

"Worship me! WOOOOORRRSHHIIPPPP MEEEE!" Ok, sugar glider. Ok.

were you scared of bumble from rudolph Are you asking me, or the whole interwebs? No. I was not scared. I loved The Bumble. I always did. He rocked. I wanted him to eat all those stupid reindeer. Don’t be scared of The Bumble. He’s a humble Bumble now. You’re welcome.

Unscary. Bumble just wants to be your friend.

what are jeggings Pants that everyone wears in hell. You’re welcome.

what do you do when you get the football from lucy Rejoice? Do that obnoxious touchdown spikey thing that people do? Laugh and laugh? Say, “boo-yah, Lucy, IN YOUR FACE?” I don’t know. I don’t think that Charlie Brown ever got the football. It’s a moot point. You’re welcome, why such a weird question?

what does i saw goody osburn with the devil mean It doesn’t MEAN anything. It’s a line from The Crucible. It means exactly what it says: a kid accused Goody Osburn of consorting with the devil. Don’t hurt yourself reading into things too much. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. I mean, sure, sometimes it’s a penis. But not always. You’re welcome.

what does too much sanity may be madness mean If I had to guess, I’d say that unless you have a little whimsy in your life, you’ll go nuts? But take that with a grain of salt. I’m FILLED with whimsy. To the point of being probably mad the OTHER way. So probably there’s a line in the middle you should aim for. I overshot it. You might do better. You’re welcome, good luck.

what is a mixers for swedish fish vodka NONE NONE EW EW. Don’t BUY that stuff. Even the WHIPPED CREAM vodka tasted like death. I can’t even IMAGINE what the Swedish Fish vodka would be like. EW EW EW NO NO NO. You’re welcome, buy something that actually TASTES good, sheesh.

Ew ew ew ew. No.

whats it feel like when youre killing brain parasites? Shit, I don’t know. Ouchy? I can’t imagine it’s a nice thing. TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR. It amazes me that so many people are Googling things that they should be talking to their doctor about. Yikes. You’re welcome, call your doctor now.

There! Whew, don’t you feel so much more helped? I know you do. You are WELCOME. Until next month, may your questions be answered and your searches bring you to someone who is TOTALLY THE MOST HELPFUL LIKE OH I DON’T KNOW MAYBE ME.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

19 responses to “Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 3)

  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    You totally win at advice giving! (And making me laugh while reading your advice!) Excellent work!

    Also, colonoscopies really aren’t bad – you don’t remember a thing. It’s the PREP the night before that is totally the suck.


  • blogginglily

    “can the fbi read my internet searches….if so, hello im just a free thinker who refuses to be controlled like a mule”

    ACTUALLY, mules are notoriously HARD to control (unless it’s a special helper mule). You know, the expression, “stubborn as a mule” wasn’t coined because of how easy to control all the mules were. Dumbass. Not you.. . whoever wrote that.

    “i inhaled plaster dust, am i going to die?”

    Yes, if there’s arsenic dust in your plaster from being in contact with old timey wallpaper paste, and then you expose it to moisture, creating arsine gas!!! Then yes. Yes you’re dying. In fact, you may not even read this because you’re dead already.

    Then End.


  • sj

    THANK YOU! [whew] I feel so much better now that all of the questions I didn’t even realize I needed the answers to have been, er…answered, kind of.

    Also, thank you so much for referencing the Voigt-Kampff empathy test. You’re my hero. Have you read the book?


    • lucysfootball

      I didn’t even KNOW I was referencing a test! I made that up out of my brain-area! It’s a test? Can I take the test? I love tests. I love WINNING all the tests. Ooh, this is very exciting. What book is this?


      • sj

        Wait, wait, wait, for realsies? I assumed when you said you’d give a robot an empathy test that meant you knew that was how they tested androids of the more human than human variety in Blade Runner/Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep.

        Funnily enough, there actually IS a version of it online. You can take it here.

        I’m dying to know your results now!


        • lucysfootball

          Nope, totally out of my brain-area. I think I watched part of Blade Runner in college, but not all of it. And I’ve never read the book. I’m horrible about classics, just horrible.

          I LOVE TESTS. I’m going to take it RIGHT NOW.


        • lucysfootball

          “Borderline Nuts” – “You’re human, and you’re smart. That’s the good news. The bad news is that you’re emotionally ill and you are in need of some help.
          Possibly a good therapist can straighten you out; possibly you’ll need chemical assistance to quiet those extra thoughts in your mind.
          Either way, Social Services would be glad to be of service! Now, please come this way…”

          Um. I think I took the test wrong, if that helps. I had trouble with the “answer quick, wait a second, answer, take your time, answer” thing, because all my answers were always the same, so the test thought I was a liar.

          Or maybe I’m just borderline nuts. Or an android. Either way.


          • sj

            Heh, you called it a classic and I <3 you even more for that. A speculative fiction classic, for suresies. PKD was the master of mindsnapery – so I'm not entirely sure you'd actually enjoy it – but it is a good read, even if it's not my favourite by him.

            Also, I can not stop giggling that the test determined you to be Borderline Nuts. I'm a "Normal Human."

            Normal Human
            You're a human adult. No problem there. You scored normal in the fast and slow emotional responses, in intellectual capability, and didn't try to evade or mislead us.
            Do you know why we stopped you? No. That's fine.
            You can go about your business. Move along, move along.


  • Heather

    I LOVE the FBI search term. Hahaha!


  • lahikmajoe

    I’m pleased that I’m in no danger of ‘too much sanity may be madness’. What a horrible way to go…about things.


  • Domestic Goddess in Training

    Love your answer for the Jeggings question!!


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