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Tiger, tiger, burning bright (for a low, low fee of only $129)

I have nothing in my headarea today. I know. It’s like an empty tumbleweed place. I have a big project to do but I have to write this post first and I have NOTHING in my HEAD. So I am sitting here watching Glee from two weeks ago and repeating the part where Matt Bomer and Darren Criss sing “Somebody That I Used to Know” to each other over and over. Yes. I am JUST THAT FANCY. What? You want to see it so YOU can see it over and over? You can. You totally can.

I will freely admit that I am more than a little obsessed with this song. Probably more than what is healthy. It’s just so GOOD, dammit. Also, Bomer and Criss? Yes, please. Although, Glee? Aw, remember when it was good? Me, too. ME, TOO. Why the hell is Sue having a baby? I am so perplexed by this turn of events, I can’t even tell you.

OK, FINE, let’s just do random crap Monday. Gah. What’s up with stupid-stupid brain today? I’m having some personal dramzzzzz that’s making me exhausted, let’s just leave it at that.

LIONS AND TIGERS AND BEARS (only no lions or bears)

So I work with this woman at my second job, and she went on vacation to Myrtle Beach a couple of weeks ago. When she got back, she had photos of her HOLDING AND CUDDLING BABY WHITE TIGERS.

This tiger is JAUNTY. And has ATTITUDE. Aw!

Here’s what I learned about this situation that made me squeal to the top of my lungs:

  • Baby tigers feel soft.
  • Baby tigers PURR.
  • You have to pay $79 for 5 minutes of tiger-cuddlery.
  • You have to pay $50 for a photo CD of you holding the tigers if you want one.
  • The tigers do not bite your face off.
  • For an additional fee, you can swim with tigers. (I have to research this. This seems like a weird trick.)

Here’s the website. It’s loud. Don’t play it at work. It makes you listen to the loudest, most obnoxious videos ever.

Here’s a photo of swimming with tigers in a pool. See, I totally did my research. The tigers look furious, and who wants to swim with tigers in a chlorinated pool? No thanks.

Ok, I’ve been thinking about this all day. Would you pay over $79 plus $50 to play with a tiger for 5 minutes plus get a CD of the photos of that five minutes? That’s $129. For $129, I could buy a LOT of pudding. Or almost two tanks of gas! Or pay part of my cable bill! (Oh, side note, another thing you could touch for $79 was a monkey. NO THANK YOU. They’d have to pay ME $79 to touch a monkey. And even then I’d take the money and run. Gah. Monkeys.)

But…touching a BABY TIGER! I didn’t ever know they would be SOFT. I thought maybe more wiry. Now I know they are SOFT. And that they PURR. I mean, duh, I knew they were CATS, but don’t you think a purring baby tiger would be totally entrancing? Yes. Yes, it so would. But would it be $129 entrancing? I’m pretty cheap. I don’t know that it would be worth that much.

But…BABY TIGERS. Sigh. I mean, I’m not GOING to Myrtle Beach. This is all a HYPOTHETICAL. But I like to plan ahead for all eventualities, you know? Also, I know they’re probably not going to release these animals into the wild, but does it seem at all irresponsible to anyone that they’re allowing people to handle baby animals like that? Probably it isn’t, but it seems like it is.

Oh, Dad totally researched my zoo for our TRIP TO THE ZOO that will be occurring in LESS THAN TWO WEEKS and he’s no longer freaked out that my zoo is in someone’s backyard (his fear seemed to be that my zoo was in someone’s trailer and we were going to be psychomurdered once we got there) because he purchased a map and the zoo was right there on the map. So I think the zoo is DEFINITELY a go. This is super-exciting. KOOKABURRAS! I am COMING TO SEE YOU! IN SIX DAYS!

POETRY – WAIT, COME BACK HERE, YOU!

I wrote a piece on poetry over at Insatiable Booksluts. It’s National Poetry Month and I wanted to do something to celebrate that. No, don’t freak out. Poetry is GOOD. Poetry is your FRIEND. It’s a good piece, it has some wonderful poems in it, and I make it completely non-scary. Please check it out if you haven’t already. I’m kind of irresponsibly proud of it. You know how I love theater? I love poetry just that much, too. I know. Why can’t I love something that can make me some money? Who knows. One of the eternal mysteries of life, right there.

In honor of National Poetry Month, I’ll give you the line of poetry I can’t get out of my head lately: “nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands”. I am in love with e.e. cummings. He thrills me. Such beautiful lines and spacing and imagery.

Also, look how elegant. He makes me flutter.

So go go go! It’s unscary. And it’s fun. And you’ll see some poems that I love and I hope you love. And writing it made me happier than almost anything.

PANDAS PANDAS!

I found out about THIS today. Are you so excited? PANDA CAM PANDA CAM.

I don’t think I can embed it. So you have to click. But the pandas are doing panda things and being panda-ey.

Look! Eating bamboo! Aw!

I think the world would be a better place if we could just watch live zoo cams all day long, seriously. Instead of working. Or dealing with crazy people. MORE ZOO CAMS LESS INSANITY. That’ll be my platform when I run for office.

OK, I’m off to work on the NEXT project, even though my brain seems to have taken some sort of holiday and not even left me a note letting me know it planned to do so. How rude is THAT? Just about the rudest, is how rude. I want to punch it in the nose. WE HAVE THINGS TO DO TODAY, BRAIN. That involve you BEING ABLE TO THINK.

Happy Monday! I guess, at least. If Mondays are ever happy. They’re not, really, are they. Well…non-stabby-Monday, then! I hope your weekends were more full of brains that worked than mine was. Seriously, if you see my brain out gallivanting, tell him he needs to come home. I have plans for him and he can’t just go out for ice cream all the time, it’s so rude.

(Also, PS, R & A are headed to the hospital today because Baby Girl Awesomesauce is being the MOST STUBBORN and refuses to make her debut, so she’s going to be induced. So today’s totally Baby Girl Awesomesauce Day. I could NOT be more excited about this. Yahoo!)

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

33 responses to “Tiger, tiger, burning bright (for a low, low fee of only $129)

  • blogginglily

    “nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands”

    Cee Lo. Cee Lo Green has hands smaller than the rain’s. E.E. Cummings died in 1962, so he couldn’t possibly have known about Cee Lo’s freakishly. . . IMPOSSIBLY tiny hands, but if he HAD known, he’d totally have changed that poem’s ending to say, “nobody, except possibly for Cee Lo Green, has such small hands”. But probably that’s not “real” poetry.

    Like

  • Kristy Shriner Salisbury

    That e.e. cummings line? Only my most favorite line of poetry ever!!!

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Grown tigers also purr. When they’re happy. Or in pain.

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    • lucysfootball

      I want to cuddle a tiger and hear it purr. And not get eaten by it. Sigh.

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        The Swedish wildlife film maker Jan Lindblad kept two rescue tiger cubs on his little island in the Stockholm archipelago. They grew to be quite big (as Bengal tigers tend to do), but they always saw him and his wife as their parents and wouldn’t hurt them.

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        • lucysfootball

          You probably shouldn’t tell me things like that, because now I can’t think of anything except how very, very badly I want a tiger for a pet. *SIGH*

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          • Andreas Heinakroon

            Sorry!

            (I wont tell you about when I got to pet some ring-tailed lemurs recently, then..)

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            • lucysfootball

              YOU DID?!?!? I LOVE lemurs, because once I saw them steal some dumb guy’s glasses who didn’t pay attention to the “don’t get too close to the lemur enclosure” sign! What did lemurs feel like? How did you get to pet lemurs? TELL ME EVERYTHING. I can’t believe you petted lemurs and didn’t immediately come and tell me. ANDREAS. That’s like a break in our friendship-code!

              Like

              • Andreas Heinakroon

                It was at the local zoo. We took Baby girl to see all the animals, which she loved obviously. When we got to the lemurs we noticed they weren’t on their little island, but had climbed over to the observation deck. So we lured them close with some hazelnuts and they became very friendly and even let us pet them.

                Ring-tailed lemurs are VERY soft, softer than the softest kitten. And they’re very careful picking food from your hand. But keep in mind they also have big sharp fangs and could give you a nasty bite if scared or provoked, so be careful if you get close to them.

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              • Andreas Heinakroon

                (I’m sorry I didn’t tell you immediately, but don’t forget I’m almost always offline nowadays.)

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                • lucysfootball

                  I’m just picking on you. You’re under no obligation to tell me things immediately. I know your internet situation is bad right now.

                  How awesome is that? Lemurs are SOFT! And are lured by HAZELNUTS! Wait til I tell my friend C. She loooves lemurs. She’s going to swoon!

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  • MsDarkstar

    Not only would I pay $79 for tiger-cuddlery, I would pay for 15 minutes of it (which is over $200) and screw the CD photo deal because I am not at all photogenic… I might even let them gnaw on me a little bit because holding wee tigers = WINNING!

    So, yes.. $79 for tiger cuddling is in the realm of “things I would do”.

    Hooray for your trip to the zoo.

    On the Baby Girl Awesomesauce front I have only this to say… Monday? You really want some poor kid to have their debut on Monday? So much pressure. But then, The Girl was born on a Monday and that turned out fine. (And she was ALSO in no hurry AND 2 weeks overdue but I didn’t get induced, I got treated to an Emergency C-Section after which they tried to tell me I’d done something evil to make that happen… Actually, it was the antibiotics that they prescribed that lead to the whole Emergency C-Section… so BOOOO! for trying to pass the buck, Judgy Doctor-people) In any case, I hope your friends and the baby are A-ok.

    I think my Monday would be vastly improved if I had a wee tiger to cuddle…

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  • becomingcliche

    Don’t be sad that you can’t cuddle the tigers. A few years ago, a girl was killed when she went to one of those places to have her senior picture taken. There! Don’t you feel better?

    I pondered the poetry thing all evening. I think Blogging Lily hit it on the head. There is so much BAD poetry out there. Also, poetry seems more of an appetizer. I’m not sure I could dig in to a 3 hour read-a-thon of nothing but couplets. But poetry doesn’t suck. Of course it doesn’t.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      WHAT? What a horrible story! Getting eaten by a tiger at your senior photo shoot? YIKES!

      There is a lot of bad poetry. But also a lot of bad fiction. It’s just a matter of stopping when it gets too painful, saying “this isn’t for me!” and moving on, I think.

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      • becomingcliche

        Agreed. Life is too short to read crappy stuff, be it poetry, fiction, or instruction manuals. Although it’s probably good to power through the instruction manuals for safety’s sake.

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  • sj

    Wait, I could have sworn I’d mentioned the pandacam before. <.<

    I would love to pet the baby tigers, but they used to have one of those sanctuaries for former actor tigers near where we used to live, and the owners ended up arrested for animal cruelty, so now I'm wary of places like that.

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    • lucysfootball

      You probably did. I have Quantum Leap Swiss Cheese brain lately. It was the first time I actually LOOKED at it. I probably meant to when you mentioned it and forgot it altogether (and have since forgotten the discussion we had.) It wouldn’t be the first time.

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  • ProfMomEsq

    I read your post this morning, and I debated all day whether to tell you this. Here it is: I have cuddled the baby tigers and it is ALL the awesome AND a Snapple. Especially because I did it for free. The tigers are unbelievably soft. They do purr. Their teeth and claws are no joke. They also have ridiculously big appetites and are pretty sloppy eaters. I know this because a friend of my husband’s happened to be working at a zoo near our house and got us the hook up. So, what you need isn’t $129. You need to meet a handsome veterinary type who can get you a backstage pass to the tiger exhibit. Otherwise, absolutely worth $129. But, this is advice coming from a woman who paid $250 to swim with a dolphin in the Bahamas, so what do I know. (Except that was unbelievable amazing, too, and I could absolutely be suckered into again.)

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    • lucysfootball

      You can ALWAYS tell me. I won’t be jealous. Only happy you got to do it. That is so awesome! Both the tigers AND the dolphins!

      And ooh, where’s the line for the handsome veterinary types? I’ll wait in that line. Happily.

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  • lahikmajoe

    Ding Dong Joe says he has a tiger that loves to be petted.

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  • cas2986

    So, I’m a season behind on Glee. But the only thing that would be better than Darren Criss (squee) and Matt Bomer (double squee) singing a duet…. (OMG I can not WAIT to watch that episode…. I think I may have a heart attack from sheer joy alone) would be Ian Somerhalder joining in. That would be the most epic trifecta of male yumminess EVER.

    Like

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