Accidentally taken off the shelf before the date stamped on myself

My day off? Oh, lovely, thanks for asking! Brief. Oh so brief. But lovely as hell.

Much of it was spent at Dr. Ernie’s office. Because – hey, guess what? MY EFFING UTERUS IS STILL TRYING TO KILL ME. I know, how long has this nonsense been going on? Forever, you say? That’s right. It has. You’re right.

So I called the doctor’s office and I was all, hey, let’s do something about the constant and perpetual pain I’m in, what do you say? And they talked to me in one of those calming and soothing voices they use for people who are holding a small puppy or child hostage with a flare gun. “Oh, you’re in pain? And your blood pressure is up? And you’re retaining water? And you’re shaky? And you’re headachy? Hmm. I wonder what could be causing THOSE issues?” THE EFFING PROCEDURE YOU DID IN FEBRUARY. Listen, I’m not sciency, but I’m smart enough to do research when I’m dying. EVERY ONE OF THESE THINGS ARE ON THE SIDE EFFECTS LIST DOC.

Also, don’t you think a doctor should be MORE NERVOUS that someone who’s always had low (to the point of it being a worry) blood pressure has – just in the past two months – developed high blood pressure, to the point of constant nosebleeds? Especially when it says, right on list of side effects, IF THIS HAPPENS CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY? (What the subtext of that is, is “you’re about to keel over dead from the same kind of stroke that killed your gramma. DON’T DILLY-DALLY, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE.”)

So I went in today, and, apparently, the doctor’s office today was purgatory, what with the waiting. I had to wait twenty minutes for an appointment; I had to wait ten once I got in the room (again with my pants off – that place is aces about making you wait around pantsless, I swear), then, once the procedure was reversed (THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU) I had to wait ten more minutes for her to go get me a prescription for some medication that may or may not make my murderous uterus stop acting like an evil assassin. YOU ARE PART OF MY BODY, UTERUS. LET’S START WORKING AS A TEAM HERE.

Doesn't this uterus look nice? Mine would have an eyepatch and carry a shiv, it's so murderous.

Also, the doctor I saw today (who was NOT Dr. Ernie – I’m pretty sure he’s never there, because I never get to see him) told me that I had THREE MORE YEARS to have a baby. Well! It’s nice that there’s a timeline on that. I’d better get cracking. I guess after that, I’m done. Step one: decide if I actually *want* to have a baby. Step two: find someone I don’t hate to have that baby with, if I do, indeed, decide that passing these genes along isn’t the worst idea ever. Step three: laugh hysterically at the idea that the uterus that’s been trying to kill me since I was 14 would even THINK of carrying a child to term. Yeah. I think this is a plan already doomed to failure, you know?

But it’s nice to know that I have about 3 years to decide on such a thing, you know? So nice. I love that I have an expiration date. Like cheese! Or milk.

Apparently I have one of these stamped on my murderous uterus somewhere. Look out, murderous uterus. I'm coming for you.

Oh, and, just as a side note, this totally means I can no longer have ALL THE SEX. I know. It’s a total disappointment to all of those men I’ve been having all the sex with. Excuse me while I laugh myself into a hernia. The doctor was all, “You are aware you’ll have to use an alternate form of birth control now, correct?” and I was like, “Um…even if I’m not, you know, sexually active? Like, should I preventatively buy all the condoms? I’m totally going to Target later, I’m sure they have a pretty condom display, EVERYTHING IS NICE THERE” and she said, “Oh, well, no, then.” Oh, also she called using condoms “the barrier method” which made me laugh and think of those people who sleep with a board between them. That’s totally a barrier method, too. Only a more literal one.

Sexy, right? It's called bundling. You know what else is sexy? All those people making sure you keep your privates...well, private, I guess.

So I’d warn you against the procedure I had and go into detail that you probably don’t want but I’m pretty sure it works for everyone else in the world and just not me and my assassiny internal organs. So I won’t elaborate. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Then I thought, should I go look into new glasses? Then I realized, I didn’t have enough money to do that AND buy all the awesome things at the flea market. So, no new glasses in time for vacation. Which means, a million asshole photos of me with these STUPID TRANSITIONS LENSES from vacation. Grumble. But, next month. Yes yes yes. New glasses then.

Then I thought, there are TWO MOVIES PLAYING that I want to see. And I NEVER want to see movies! I should treat myself to a movie! (In case you’re wondering, I have TOTALLY HIGHBROW TASTES, and the two movies I want to see are Cabin in the Woods and The Hunger Games.) Then I thought, nah, first run over to Target and get some things and then decide.

LISTEN. Me at Target = INSANITY. I can’t get SOME things. I get ALL THE THINGS. First I say, “I need toys because I’m seeing The Nephew today and I want to win aunting. Then I want some antacid, because tax season made me run out. Then I want some toilet paper. THAT IS ALL I WANT.” Then I get to Target, and it’s so PRETTY! And so CLEAN! And I want ALL THE THINGS!

So I got food, and shower curtain hooks because I realized when I was there I’d broken two shower curtain rings and so I was dealing with two places my shower curtain was held up with hair ties (DON’T YOU EVEN JUDGE ME I AM POOR and listen, hair ties? That was an AWESOME and SMART workaround. I should have my own show on like the DIY network or something) and the shower curtain hooks were on CLEARANCE BA-BOOM BABY plus also they are the COOLEST and then I saw all these journals and I thought, you know how you are always having the most brilliant ideas when you are out and about but never any paper? BUY A DAMN JOURNAL YOU ARE A WRITER NOW so I did and then also cat food. Oh, and the stuff I came in for, of course. The Nephew got the best toys. I WANTED to get him this awesome car detailing kit where with LIGHT you could paint DETAILS onto TOY CARS but it was for ages 5 and up and he is not five or up. Well, intelligence-wise he is, let’s not get crazy. Also, the parts looked really small. What if he choked? I don’t want to be party to that. No no no.

Then I was too tired to go to the movies and I thought, I have a lot of writing I want to be doing, and also laundry, let’s go home.

I know. I’m really the most fancy on my day off, right?

THEN THEN THEN it was The Nephew time. The Nephew, his mom and I had dinner at a restaurant. The Nephew was QUITE WELL BEHAVED. I know! He’s really the best. I mean, a couple times he did toddler-style things, such as yelling or spitting an entire mouthful of food into his lap (and, when questioned why, he answered, in a very adult, rational tone, “I didn’t like that food,” and I tried SO HARD not to laugh, but it was in this little “I’ve completely rationalized this, Mumsy, and what ELSE would one have me do with this food that I am not enjoying? I mean, I couldn’t quite SWALLOW it, now could I?”) Then after dinner, it was PRESENT TIME, which I totally won. Apparently, he is VERY INTO the EXACT TYPE of cars I purchased, as evidenced by the Facebook photo of him playing with them in the dirt his mom posted about an hour after we parted. I win gifts. Well, except for the Playdoh. That was not a win, only because my mom bought him the same kit recently. But, hell, he can pull the Playdoh part of it out and play with that. No kid has ever had TOO MUCH Playdoh, now have they?

Also, he gave me a hug AND a kiss AND told me he loved me AND pretended to cut all of my fingers off with Big Bird scissors and laughed adorably when I told him I could never play the piano again and pretended to weep.

Three months until I see him again. Not that I’m counting down the days, or anything. No no not me.

OK, my delicious kiwifruits. I’m off to do a million things before conking out for a little sleep. Then it’s back to work for me tomorrow. The people of the Capital Region are NOT going to answer their OWN phones tomorrow, now ARE they?

Hope you’re having the happiest weekend of all the happy. Love your faces.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

34 responses to “Accidentally taken off the shelf before the date stamped on myself

  • shoutabyss

    I still think My Uterus Is Trying To Kill Me is one of the top ten movies of all time. Days off are glorious, even if they actually end up being more of a pain than a work day. You can’t beat that ending to your day, though.

    MacGyver likes your shower.


  • elaine4queen

    that does look like a peachy uterus.

    it’s not mine.


  • anirrationalratio

    I did work experience in a Transistions Optical factory when I was in high school. Mmmm, photochromic solution. They always seemed like a brilliant idea that just didn’t work well in practice, to me.
    If only there were ones where you could electrically control the degree of opacity, they would work better.

    Why does your body seem to hate you so much?
    Anyway, enjoy…whatever amount of sex you have from now on.
    Maybe you should just adopt? That avoids the need to decide if you want a sprog in the next 36 months.
    Additionally, that’s not a topic to bring up on a first date, btw. I’m sure you know that, but I just want you to imagine his face when you say it. PLEASE just ask out a random guy JUST so you can say it!!! PLEASE!!!!!


    • lucysfootball

      Hee, “sprog.” Love that.

      Wait, should I go on a date and tell him I want to adopt, or that I have to have a kid in 36 months or my uterus will expire? I think the latter, right? Ooh, can you even IMAGINE his FACE? Ha!


    • lucysfootball

      The whole thing is amazing to me. Do a search for it sometime. It was apparently so they could take in boarders but so the boarders didn’t rape their daughters because they put the boarders in the SAME BED AS THEIR DAUGHTERS? SO STRANGE AND GROSS.


  • blogginglily

    I’m sorry about your asshole uterus.

    Dr. Ernie is never there because he’s involved in continuous litigation over fucked up uterus procedures.

    Nephew! Yay!

    Journal? wtf for? You HAVE a journal. . . it’s called a blog. Also, if you don’t have a journal that’s called a blog. . . start a blog (that’s not this one) and call it a journal. . . just don’t publish it. It’ll be all searchable and cut and paste-able and whatnot. Whatnot RULEZ.

    Lily totally got new glasses. She does NOT want to rub it in your face because you didn’t get yours, but hers look awesome, and now I have to draw a new logo for my webpage because she looks like a little grownup with her kicky new frames.

    *off to the next post. . . to be more supporty*


    • lucysfootball

      No, the journal’s just for taking notes if I think of something awesome when I’m not at a computer. My phone is not the best for taking notes on. Although, I am noted for sending myself constant Gmail when I have a good idea. I am my own best correspondent. Also, the journal is pretty, and green. And I can make lists in it. I love lists.

      YAY LILY AND NEW GLASSES! I want to see! Will there be pictures? She would never rub it in my face. She can have all the awesome glasses she wants. She’s my favorite so she deserves them.

      You are being supporty on the weekend! Aw, Jim! Thanks!


  • MsDarkstar

    Ok, wait… you are working on Sunday? I am probably confused.

    Guess what? I can totally save you all kinds of money on condoms you probably won’t use. But you might want to have them in case you suddenly have the need for them. I will not go into detail here, but I can hook you up with condoms and you won’t even need to spend money on them so then if they expire before you use them you won’t even feel bad.

    I am sorry you have a murderous uterus. Mine is just perpetually inconvenient. I would totally have donated it to some lady who really wanted kids (she would have to take it (the uterus) away from me, though, because I am not being a surrogate for ANYONE). I sorta wish mine had an expiration date, though, because I am getting really, really tired of supporting the menstrual product industry! DOWN WITH BIG MENSTRUATION! Wait… that’s probably another whole issue.

    Ok, apparently I need wine or something. And to get off the internet. Goodnight.


  • sj

    ♫Now it’s over, I’m dead and I STILL HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING THAT I WANT ORRRRRRRRRRRR I’m still alive and there’s nothing I want to doooooooooooooooooo.♫

    Totally gonna be singing that for DAAAAAAAAAAAYS. Thank you for that. I say that in a completely serious “I heart TMBG” way, not in a facetious dick way, too.

    Sorry about your stabby uterus, and sorry that it took me so long to read/reply to your post. I will do better tomorrow, I promise.


    • lucysfootball

      YAY YAY! You got the title! Ding ding ding! Winner!

      That’s ok, you are readathoning! I am keeping an eye on you. You be sure to get some rest!


      • sj

        Yes’m, still readathoning. Between you and me (and the rest of your readers/commenters), I’m wondering where the eff these supposed cheerleaders are at? Like, they’re supposed to keep us motivated and not a single one of them has said boo to me.

        Bah, regardless, I think I’m pretty close to being done for the night. It doesn’t help that I’m not finding my third book as captivating as I did when I was in high school. I think it’s because I missed out on the allegorical nature of many of these “dark” faerie tale retellings then. [sigh]

        AT LEAST I’M A WINNER! <3


  • Samantha

    I am sorry for your mean uterus. Mine is mean too, but they like to medicate cramps with hormonal bc rather than try and find out if there’s actually something wrong. :( LOL the having 3 years to “expire” there is always adoption! Hah. Doctors *shakes head*

    And journals are fantastic. I am cliche’ and have a little black Moleskine, but I love it. I’m thinking about getting another one that’s not lined for drawing, and hopefully I can get good enough at drawing to start a webcomic. Maybe.

    I’m glad your day off was good :)


    • lucysfootball

      They had SO MANY MOLESKINS at the store. And I coveted and coveted. But they were twice the price of the journal I ended up with, and half the size. Sigh. Someday I will have so much money I can afford all the Moleskins. And I won’t have to think twice about spending that money, either. It’ll be great. They’re so PRETTY!

      I know, doctors throw pills at you like confetti. They never seem to want to solve the problem. I am befuddled by this. Why not solve it so the pills are unnecessary?


  • Kelly Naylor

    OMG, you have my uterus! Only that’s not possible, because you’ve had yours for ever, and I had mine for a really long time. But, ok, our uteruses (uteri?) are related. Well, were related because I finally, FINALLY, after about 30 years of my uterus trying to kill me, found a doctor who said, “Hey, why don’t we just take that ol’ thing out? I mean, you’re not using it anymore, right? And it’s trying to kill you and everything.”

    Ha! I almost jumped up and kiss the guy (ew), but instead just said, in a really excited and happy sort of voice, “YES! Yes, let’s schedule that right this minute. Can you take it out tomorrow?” He couldn’t. I had to wait a month or something. But still! OMG! And he took out the evil ovaries, which were the things that were ACTUALLY trying to killing me. Something about hormones blah blah blah endometriosis blah blah blah.

    And Target? I only allow myself one visit per quarter. It’s so shiny and bright and happy… did you know they won’t let people live there? True story.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Hey! A ‘They might be giants’ quote! Awesome!


    • lucysfootball

      Yay! I love that you and sj got the title. WIN!


      • Andreas Heinakroon

        Cool! I won something!

        (It’s not my favourite song by the way, but the album is really great. They are very quotable, aren’t they? Like ‘He wants a shoehorn, the kind with teeth / People should get beat up for stating their beliefs’ Or: ‘They’ll need a crane, they’ll need a crane / To pick the broken ruins up again’. Or why not: ‘I built a little empire out of some crazy garbage / Called the blood of the exploited working class / But they’ve overcome their shyness / Now they’re calling me Your Highness / And a world screams, “Kiss me, Son of God”‘)


        • lucysfootball

          I don’t know if I could pick a favorite song of theirs! I have so many! They just make me so happy. And the one time I saw them live was probably one of the best concert experiences I’ve ever had. They’re so much fun!


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Sorry about your mean uterus, by the way. That doesn’t sound like fun at all. What are they gonna do about it?


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