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If nothing else, I now know I have just the most AMAZING PUPILS ZOMG.

Whoo! Day off day offff!

I’m writing this Thursday night so I can relax on Friday. Also I’m writing something EXCITING tomorrow, so I want ALL THE TIME for the writing of the awesomeness.

First, Dumbcat would like to thank you for all of your kind words for his guest post yesterday. He worked REALLY HARD on that. His poor mitten-paws were SO TIRED. He’s been sleeping ALL ALL DAY. Except when it was treat time. Then he was active and hoovered up those treats like a little vaccuum. Then slept some more. DUMBCAT! Come HERE and tell the internet people THANK YOU!

I em slepy but Mommy sayz to say thakn you so hi helo thank yuo to teh peoplez. I am famouse now? Famouse people get to wear crownz like a king or a quen or a man in a mattresss commercail so I can hav a crowne? I wuld like also moar treetz now MoMMy becauz I am famouse. LOVE DuMBCATTE

Now, let’s talk about the SADDEST DISAPPOINTMENT EVER.

So I need new glasses. My current glasses are almost two years old and also I HATE THEM. I used to have this horrible eye insurance and it only let me get my glasses at this one place that was totally the worst thing ever. You had a selection of about ten frames, all of which looked like Sally Jessy Raphael’s glasses from the 80s. So I ended up getting men’s glasses, which at least didn’t make me look like a weirdo talk-show host. Then the glasses lady talked me into getting the transitions sunglasses things, by telling me they’d be great when I was driving.

I can tell you these stupid lenses do NOT make me grin like this lunatic-woman.

Well, one of my biggest complaints is that it’s too damn bright when I’m driving but I can’t afford prescription sunglasses. So I was all, SIGN ME UP LADY. Well! Come to find out, they only work in the presence of UV rays. And your car windows are polarized or whatever, I’m not sciencey. So no UV rays come in. So your glasses don’t transition, and it’s SO DAMN BRIGHT IN THERE but you don’t have sunglasses even though you PAID FOR THEM. But but but BUT! They DO transition EVERY TIME YOU ARE OUTSIDE. No matter how dim or bright it is. So you’re that asshole wearing sunglasses on cloudy days, and you’re that asshole wearing sunglasses in every outdoor family photo forever. DON’T GET TRANSITIONS LENSES. I know they seem like a totally awesome future thing and you think “my cool aunt had them when I was a kid and she seemed SO COSMOPOLITAN I TOTALLY WANT THEM” (oh, wait, is that just me?) but DO NOT GET THEM NO MATTER HOW HARD THE LADY AT THE GLASSES PLACE TRIES TO UPSELL YOU. Do you want to look like an asshole? DO YOU REALLY?

So anyway, we got new insurance in December. And, SURPRISE, it’s the suck. It has no vision coverage at all. Well, no, that’s not true. It covers an eye exam every two years. With a huge co-pay. But not lenses and not frames.

Well, once I had to get glasses without insurance, and I paid for it then. I thought, I can do this! I can totally do this. And also, I have a cafeteria plan at work, and I’ve saved up a bunch of money in there. I CAN DO THIS. Arrivederci, shitty transitions lenses! Also, I had these kickass black-framed semi cat-eyed frames about eight years ago and I MISS them SO MUCH. They were PERFECT FOR MY FACE-AREA. I looked like a sexy librarian smartperson. However, they got old, and no matter how much I tightened the screws, the screws kept falling out. (If you read that sentence and said, to yourself, “Of course they did; the world’s an imperfect place, screws fall out all the time” YOU WIN A COOKIE. Well, a virtual cookie. Let’s not get crazy here.) I wanted NO SUNGLASSES and I wanted MORE CATEYE FRAMES.

They kind of looked like these. I LURVED THEM.

So I made an appointment for an eye exam at the same place where I got the sexy cateye frames and went in and was SO SO EXCITED. This was a very good plan. I was going to get new glasses! I was going to be stylish!

I went to the eyeglass place and got there early so I could get my frames picked out so by the time my appointment rolled around, I could bing-bang-boom send them into the lab, they could make my glasses, and I could get out of the mall in an HOUR. I know! I was in the mall! ON PURPOSE! But, glasses! And I’d even called ahead and been ASSURED they’d be ready in an hour. THIS WAS GOING TO BE AWESOME.

I started looking at frames. Are they expensive? Yes. Yes, they are. Also, WHY ARE THEY ALL SO SMALL. I always make fun of people whose glasses are too small for their faces, but I think they probably didn’t have a choice, because ALL the glasses are so so small. I mean, I don’t THINK I have the biggest head in the whole world. Maybe I do, I don’t know. But WHOO were these glasses like Barbie-doll glasses.

I found four pairs that were not tiny like weirdos. I tried them all on. I debated back and forth between two. I finally decided on one pair. Not cat eyes – but there weren’t any like that, at least not any that weren’t little teeny tiny Barbie-doll glasses what the hell. But nice, sturdy, black frames, and they made me look serious and smart and a little kooky. I liked them mucho.

Of course, of the four pairs I had, they were the most expensive. I have that talent. Someone can bring me, say, ten purses at Marshall’s (that’s a discount outlet here that I irrationally love, don’t judge me) and ask me which one I like best. Without any price tags on them, that’s important. And I would, invariably, pick the most expensive one. Without even trying. I have a knack.

So then I had my pre-appointment. This consisted of me sitting in front of a number of machines and telling a boy who looked young enough to be my kid things like “I can read row 6” or having air blown in my eye. Then he had me put on MAGIC SUNGLASSES and he made me look at a magic eye book thingy. Apparently, a little number 0 was supposed to be floating off the page. I saw the os in the first and second rows. I didn’t see any in the third row. I told the kid that. He said, “Oh,” in a sad voice. “There aren’t any, right? It’s a trick question?” I asked him. “No, there are,” he said. “This is to check your depth perception.” “Are you saying I LOSE DEPTH PERCEPTION?” I asked him. This scared him, I think. But listen, this explains a LOT. Like, why I fall all the time and why I run into my cubicle wall at least three times a week. I AM BROKEN. This is EXCELLENT news. (Also, no surprise to anyone, I still couldn’t see the sailboat.)

Then I met with the doctor. It was brief and he was weird. However, he told me my astigmatism makes my eyeball the shape of a football. Aw! Like my BLOG! I love that! Thanks, astigmatism! He also reveled in how bad my eyes were and said, “You’re almost blind without your glasses!” in a wondering voice. Yes. Thank you, doctor. I wasn’t aware! A couple other things that bear note:

  • He did this test where he held a super-bright light to my eyes for like a month and then couldn’t stop talking about how much he loved my pupils. “You have AMAZING pupils! They’re HUGE! It’s so easy to see inside your EYE! LOOK at those PUPILS!” Blah blah blah. I like compliments as much as the next girl, but THIS IS GETTING EMBARRASSING. Also, what’s IN my eyes? Could you see my SOUL? I’d like a detailed report, please.
  • He also told me that in about five years, I’d be needing bifocals. WHAT THE HOLY HELL. Just when things couldn’t get MORE weird, I have to get OLD PEOPLE GLASSES? NO THANK YOU. Ugh. Next I’ll be drinking Metamucil and snacking on prunes and watching stories with my gramma. Sheesh.

FINALLY! Glasses-time! I met with the tiny kid again. He asked me what I wanted. I told him, NO TRANSITIONS LENSES. He laughed. Then he wrote some figures on a piece of paper and said, “the top figure is the thinnest lens. The bottom figure is the next thinnest. You can go with the next thinnest. It should be fine. I put in the cost of your frames and also took out your AAA discount.”

The prices were:

Top price: My rent plus my cable bill for the month
Bottom price: My rent for the month

I was thinking MAYBE it would all cost me a little over $300. WHAT THE HELL. Since when are glasses the price of RENT FOR YOUR APARTMENT FOR A WHOLE MONTH?

So I did some mental gymnastics and calisthenics and such and thought, “Well, if you just don’t EAT for a week or so, you’ll be ok.”  So I quietly said “Yes, the lower price” and my whole stomach was rocking and rolling.

Then the kid was SUPER BOUNCY (I assume he works on commission) and went into the lab and came out all sadface and was all, “Sorry, with your very serious prescription, it’s 7-21 days before the lenses will be in.”

“You said they’d be ready in an hour when I called,” I said. He shook his head. “Nope. That’s for NORMAL people.”

I thought about the cost and I thought about the other eyeglass place I’d checked into where they were currently running a BOGO sale and I thought about the one up the road where they had a $200 all-inclusive special and I said, “I’ll just pay for the prescription and leave, then.”

The kid was NOT HAPPY. “What? No, they’ll be here. You just have to wait,” he said.

“I’m going on vacation in a week and I want my glasses for vacation. Sorry.”

He went into the lab and came back out like a used-car salesman. “Tell you what we can do. We can get you the thickest lenses we make, no frills, in an hour.”

“I have to wear these glasses for TWO YEARS. I’m not wearing thick glasses for two years. My eyes are so bad that if I don’t get the thinner lenses, my eyes look distorted. I did that for years. I’m not doing it again.”

THE KID REFUSED TO TALK TO ME FOR THE REST OF THE TRANSACTION.

I’m not even kidding. He was SO MAD. He rang me up in a stony silence.

So tomorrow I’m scoping out the other two quickie eyecare places and checking into my options, dammit.

I so wanted my sexy librarian smartperson glasses today.

OK. Off to bed, cherryblossoms.

OH SHIT TWO MORE THINGS.

One, two of my most favorite people got ENGAGED the other night! CONGRATULATIONS K. and A.! I love you both to pieces and could not be happier that the two of you found each other and are getting married!

Two, R. and A. are VERY IMPATIENTLY AWAITING the arrival of Baby Girl Awesomesauce. She has gone past her due date. She is like a library book. There will be a fine owed! If I remember correctly, R., you were a little late in coming, too, weren’t you? Maybe it’s hereditary? I promised them I would write them a very funny email in a minute to make R. laugh enough to induce labor. MAN I hope I  can bring the funny! Whoo! HERE COMES BABY GIRL AWESOMESAUCE!

Oh, also, if you’re reading my actual blog, you may notice there are ADS on it. Yeah, I know. I have totally been chosen to be one of these ad beta-tester people. AND I GET PAID FOR THEM. So I’m waiting to see if I hate them or if the money starts pouring in or what happens. It’s worth a try, right? I mean, it’s PAINFULLY obvious the rich people aren’t sending me to Europe; I need to be proactive, here.

Happy weekend, all!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

31 responses to “If nothing else, I now know I have just the most AMAZING PUPILS ZOMG.

  • sj

    Yeah, I was super disappointed when I went in to get glasses a few months ago. They were all “yes, we have two pairs for $100!” and I said SIGN ME THE EFF UP! and then they said “sorry, your eyes are so bad you don’t qualify for ANYTHING, EXCEPT some stupid deal that’s way way way more than that.” And so I was sad, but I got new glasses and I love them because I can see! Also, my prescription is so strong that I have to go with teeny frames, because the bigger they are, the more the prescription is spread out, or something? I don’t know. It’s stupid, and I hate it because I can’t ever get the glasses I actually want, but at least I can see again.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Boo, we are blind as bats. It is unfair. My dad says it’s because I read too much as a kid. :)

      The crappy local place has a full pair for $179 deal going on that I’ll check out next month. But I bet, because my eyes are so bad, I don’t qualify. Boo.

      Like

  • Elizabeth Snell (@me_mumstheword)

    Last time I got new glasses, I ended up having to return them the next day because every time I blinked, my eyelashes hit the lenses which made me nuts, and I was told “You have freakishly long eyelashes.” Um, thanks?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Freakishly long? Whoa! That’s GOOD. You’re like a MODEL. (I think that’s the glasses fault, not yours, right? They were too close to your eyes. And what kind of a place tells someone they’re freakish? Good grief!)

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Ha, they puffed air into my eyes as well, for no apparent reason*. Also, I had to look into a dome to check my peripheral vision, which turned out to be TOP NOTCH! Seriously, I’ve got the BEST peripheral vision you can have. I can only assume my hours of PC gaming is finally paying off.

    Glasses shouldn’t be that expensive, surely? (Although my dad just paid a ridiculous amount of money for his glasses, so it might depend).

    * The reason is allegedly to test the viscosity of the eye balls. Well, I guess it’s better than having someone probing them with a dirty finger.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Hee! We probably have the MOST VISCOUS EYEBALLS EVERRR.

      I wonder if I did a peripheral vision thing? I don’t remember doing that. I want to know if I have the best peripheral vision! My guess is I don’t. Dumbcat sneaks up on me ALL THE TIME and startles me.

      Glasses are SO expensive! Without insurance, and even with the 30% off with my AAA membership, they were still that expensive! Isn’t that nuts? It’s because I need the frills – featherweight lenses (because my prescription is so bad the regular lenses would be too think for words) and anti-glare and anti-scratch coat (glare because I’m on the computer a lot; scratch because I’m clumsy and tend to drop my glasses a lot first thing in the morning and late at night.) If I had normal eyes, I think they’d be a little less pricey.

      Did you have to take the Magic Eye test to test your depth perception? Did you win? I LOST. I was so sad.

      Like

  • ProfMomEsq

    Here’s what’s happened: you go with my coffee. Coffee + Amy’s blog = Good morning! I actually got up and put on my glasses for you, which was funny once I started reading.

    Ok, but not funny about your glasses. I got mine from the mall, too, and their math means an hour is seven days. Bastards. My consolation was that I got my sunglasses frames for free, and the lenses for those were only $80. (I say “only” because that’s in comparison to the mortgage I paid for my regular lenses. And why? Why does tint make them cheaper???)

    Good job standing up to Commission Man. Do not screw with a girl who needs glasses and writes a blog. DO NOT!!! :-)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Sunglasses are cheaper? That’s annoying. I thought they’d be the same price as my glasses, which is why I never bought them! I’ll have to look into that next month – I did the math and I’m going to have to wait til then to get new glasses if they’re this expensive. SIGH.

      Yay! I’m glad I am your coffee reading! I am also BFFs coffee reading, since he’s all the way across the country from me. He gets SO SAD if I don’t publish on time, because then there’s no post for his breakfast! :)

      Like

      • ProfMomEsq

        Weirdly, the frames and lenses for sunglasses are cheaper. I smell a scam …

        I don’t know how you do it, Amy, publishing every day. But, I admire it, and it makes my coffee taste better.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I cut out everything in my life that resembles a “life” and only blog. It’s not as sad as it sounds, really, since it’s the only thing I really want to do.

          On the days I want to do something else, I bank up two blogs the day or week before so I have them ready so I am prepared and can do something instead of writing. It’s…challenging. But also, the best thing I have going on right now, so it doesn’t seem like work at all. I love it. Immense amounts.

          Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    P.S. I’ve ordered transitional reaction lenses for my new glasses.. *blush*

    Like

  • zippy219

    I have yet to meet anyone who goes in to one of those 1hr glasses places and a.) hasn’t spent at least $800 and 2.) got their glasses in an hour. They’re a rip.

    I love my transitional lenses! They work in the car for me just fine. I don’t even seem to notice the transitioning. I don’t recall them darkening on cloudy days but whatever. I hate having to wear glasses period! I too have depth perception problems and I can’t afford the fancy contacts so glasses it is.

    I hope you find a place that gives you the specs you want and in an hour! If not before you go on vacation. Good luck!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Why did I get weirdo transitional lenses that don’t work in the car? WHY ARE MINE BROKEN?

      I think I have to wait til next month for the glasses, boo. Too expensive, and I need to have SOME money for vacation so I can buy wacky things at the flea market. Like, what if there’s a Beyonce chicken? I can’t NOT buy that Beyonce chicken. And Dad would NEVER buy that for me, NEVER. Sigh.

      Like

  • Caron ET (@runreadrant)

    Highlarious.Lasik.:)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’m petrified of Lasik. What if they screw up and I’m blind and I can’t read anymore? I mean, yes, I could get an awesome seeing eye dog, but I couldn’t READ anymore. I’d have to listen to books on tape. And I don’t like books on tape. And I think I’d be awful at Braille. Lasers! In your EYES! Eep!

      Like

      • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

        Besides, Dumbcat would NOT like his home invaded by a seeing-eye dog! ;-)

        BTW, I’m also a member of “my eyes are so bad that i’m blind w/o glasses so I never qualify for the special deal glasses and have to spend a month’s rent on new ones” club. Does ANYONE ever qualify for those 1-hour deals??

        Like

  • lahikmajoe

    I clicked on one of the ads just to see you get *paid*.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Aren’t you the best? But I think I get paid per page view, not per click. You don’t have to click the ads. Although, who knows? Maybe I get EXTRA per click. If so, I’ll mail you a commission.

      Like

  • MsDarkstar

    I do not have insurance so I am getting by with the reading glasses from The Dollar Store. Which will probably make me blind as a bat by the time I’m 50.

    My mother still gives me a hard time because the year I turned 18, I was having trouble reading (I couldn’t clearly see the chalkboard in class even from the front of the room and reading books gave me a headache) and begged to go to the eye doctor and even though they had insurance, my parents pitched a hissy about me WASTING money on an eye exam when my eyes were perfectly fine. I ended up with a prescription for glasses which they pitched another hissy about but they got me the glasses. That was the last pair of glasses I ever had.

    Of course, my mom still TOTALLY DENIES I ever had migraines. Because apparently it’s perfectly normal to throw up for 2-3 days a month because all you can see is wavy lines in front of your eyes and the constant wavy lines make you nauseous. And apparently feeling like your head will split open at any second is “perfectly normal” and if you complain it’s “all in your head” and “made up to get sympathy”. Also, I feel bad because my daughter, The Girl, ALSO has the migraines.

    So, I sympathize about the bad eyes and the non-affordable glasses and I am very wary of anyone who wants to put a laser anywhere near my eyes because don’t they tell you all the time “DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE LASER” except, apparently, when you go in for lasik and THEN they’re all “Please look directly at the laser even though you’ve been told all your life NOT to look at the laser”.

    Like

  • elaine4queen

    1. expensivenesss skill. i have that, too. it’s such a curse.

    2. i have bifocals. they are a total pain in the arse. i have to take them off to go down stairs because you can forget about any slight thread of depth perception you ever had the day you start wearing bifocals. plus, i bruise like a peach, so my crappy depth perception makes me look like a battered woman.
    i am way overdue for an eye appt. i am having THE DREAD.

    Like

  • blogginglily

    Booo! Exactly how bad IS your vision? Mine’s abysmal. . . like 20/400. Well, that was a few years ago, now it’s probably 20/500 or something. So people standing three football fields away can see the words that I’m squinting to read at 20 feet.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I have no idea. My prescription I’m looking at right now says one eye is -5.75 (that’s the wonky football-shaped eye) and the other is -5.25 (that’s the “normal” eye.) So, I think that means I fail. Miserably.

      I can see about 6 inches in front of my face without my glasses. Anything other than that is a weird blur.

      Why are all my people myopic? It’s a curious thing.

      Like

  • Heartensoul

    Next time you are looking at get new glasses, check out Warby Parker. I loved how they are all bigger, thicker glasses. They came pretty quickly and are only $95. http://www.warbyparker.com/women/optical

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Ooh, I’d heard about something like this, and was wondering what it was! Did you need adjustments to the glasses? If you did, where did you go – would an eyecare place adjust them for you? Thank you!

      Like

      • heartensoul

        The only adjustments I needed was for bend the frames a bit so they didn’t slip down my nose (I could have done it myself, but I was afraid I would break them.) I just went to one of the eye places in my local mall and they fixed them up for me, no charge. What I liked the most about Warby Parker was that they sent five pairs I was interested completely free of charge and I got to try them on and get feedback before I decided to make a purchase.

        Like

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