Whoo! Day off day offff!
I’m writing this Thursday night so I can relax on Friday. Also I’m writing something EXCITING tomorrow, so I want ALL THE TIME for the writing of the awesomeness.
First, Dumbcat would like to thank you for all of your kind words for his guest post yesterday. He worked REALLY HARD on that. His poor mitten-paws were SO TIRED. He’s been sleeping ALL ALL DAY. Except when it was treat time. Then he was active and hoovered up those treats like a little vaccuum. Then slept some more. DUMBCAT! Come HERE and tell the internet people THANK YOU!
I em slepy but Mommy sayz to say thakn you so hi helo thank yuo to teh peoplez. I am famouse now? Famouse people get to wear crownz like a king or a quen or a man in a mattresss commercail so I can hav a crowne? I wuld like also moar treetz now MoMMy becauz I am famouse. LOVE DuMBCATTE
Now, let’s talk about the SADDEST DISAPPOINTMENT EVER.
So I need new glasses. My current glasses are almost two years old and also I HATE THEM. I used to have this horrible eye insurance and it only let me get my glasses at this one place that was totally the worst thing ever. You had a selection of about ten frames, all of which looked like Sally Jessy Raphael’s glasses from the 80s. So I ended up getting men’s glasses, which at least didn’t make me look like a weirdo talk-show host. Then the glasses lady talked me into getting the transitions sunglasses things, by telling me they’d be great when I was driving.
Well, one of my biggest complaints is that it’s too damn bright when I’m driving but I can’t afford prescription sunglasses. So I was all, SIGN ME UP LADY. Well! Come to find out, they only work in the presence of UV rays. And your car windows are polarized or whatever, I’m not sciencey. So no UV rays come in. So your glasses don’t transition, and it’s SO DAMN BRIGHT IN THERE but you don’t have sunglasses even though you PAID FOR THEM. But but but BUT! They DO transition EVERY TIME YOU ARE OUTSIDE. No matter how dim or bright it is. So you’re that asshole wearing sunglasses on cloudy days, and you’re that asshole wearing sunglasses in every outdoor family photo forever. DON’T GET TRANSITIONS LENSES. I know they seem like a totally awesome future thing and you think “my cool aunt had them when I was a kid and she seemed SO COSMOPOLITAN I TOTALLY WANT THEM” (oh, wait, is that just me?) but DO NOT GET THEM NO MATTER HOW HARD THE LADY AT THE GLASSES PLACE TRIES TO UPSELL YOU. Do you want to look like an asshole? DO YOU REALLY?
So anyway, we got new insurance in December. And, SURPRISE, it’s the suck. It has no vision coverage at all. Well, no, that’s not true. It covers an eye exam every two years. With a huge co-pay. But not lenses and not frames.
Well, once I had to get glasses without insurance, and I paid for it then. I thought, I can do this! I can totally do this. And also, I have a cafeteria plan at work, and I’ve saved up a bunch of money in there. I CAN DO THIS. Arrivederci, shitty transitions lenses! Also, I had these kickass black-framed semi cat-eyed frames about eight years ago and I MISS them SO MUCH. They were PERFECT FOR MY FACE-AREA. I looked like a sexy librarian smartperson. However, they got old, and no matter how much I tightened the screws, the screws kept falling out. (If you read that sentence and said, to yourself, “Of course they did; the world’s an imperfect place, screws fall out all the time” YOU WIN A COOKIE. Well, a virtual cookie. Let’s not get crazy here.) I wanted NO SUNGLASSES and I wanted MORE CATEYE FRAMES.
So I made an appointment for an eye exam at the same place where I got the sexy cateye frames and went in and was SO SO EXCITED. This was a very good plan. I was going to get new glasses! I was going to be stylish!
I went to the eyeglass place and got there early so I could get my frames picked out so by the time my appointment rolled around, I could bing-bang-boom send them into the lab, they could make my glasses, and I could get out of the mall in an HOUR. I know! I was in the mall! ON PURPOSE! But, glasses! And I’d even called ahead and been ASSURED they’d be ready in an hour. THIS WAS GOING TO BE AWESOME.
I started looking at frames. Are they expensive? Yes. Yes, they are. Also, WHY ARE THEY ALL SO SMALL. I always make fun of people whose glasses are too small for their faces, but I think they probably didn’t have a choice, because ALL the glasses are so so small. I mean, I don’t THINK I have the biggest head in the whole world. Maybe I do, I don’t know. But WHOO were these glasses like Barbie-doll glasses.
I found four pairs that were not tiny like weirdos. I tried them all on. I debated back and forth between two. I finally decided on one pair. Not cat eyes – but there weren’t any like that, at least not any that weren’t little teeny tiny Barbie-doll glasses what the hell. But nice, sturdy, black frames, and they made me look serious and smart and a little kooky. I liked them mucho.
Of course, of the four pairs I had, they were the most expensive. I have that talent. Someone can bring me, say, ten purses at Marshall’s (that’s a discount outlet here that I irrationally love, don’t judge me) and ask me which one I like best. Without any price tags on them, that’s important. And I would, invariably, pick the most expensive one. Without even trying. I have a knack.
So then I had my pre-appointment. This consisted of me sitting in front of a number of machines and telling a boy who looked young enough to be my kid things like “I can read row 6” or having air blown in my eye. Then he had me put on MAGIC SUNGLASSES and he made me look at a magic eye book thingy. Apparently, a little number 0 was supposed to be floating off the page. I saw the os in the first and second rows. I didn’t see any in the third row. I told the kid that. He said, “Oh,” in a sad voice. “There aren’t any, right? It’s a trick question?” I asked him. “No, there are,” he said. “This is to check your depth perception.” “Are you saying I LOSE DEPTH PERCEPTION?” I asked him. This scared him, I think. But listen, this explains a LOT. Like, why I fall all the time and why I run into my cubicle wall at least three times a week. I AM BROKEN. This is EXCELLENT news. (Also, no surprise to anyone, I still couldn’t see the sailboat.)
Then I met with the doctor. It was brief and he was weird. However, he told me my astigmatism makes my eyeball the shape of a football. Aw! Like my BLOG! I love that! Thanks, astigmatism! He also reveled in how bad my eyes were and said, “You’re almost blind without your glasses!” in a wondering voice. Yes. Thank you, doctor. I wasn’t aware! A couple other things that bear note:
- He did this test where he held a super-bright light to my eyes for like a month and then couldn’t stop talking about how much he loved my pupils. “You have AMAZING pupils! They’re HUGE! It’s so easy to see inside your EYE! LOOK at those PUPILS!” Blah blah blah. I like compliments as much as the next girl, but THIS IS GETTING EMBARRASSING. Also, what’s IN my eyes? Could you see my SOUL? I’d like a detailed report, please.
- He also told me that in about five years, I’d be needing bifocals. WHAT THE HOLY HELL. Just when things couldn’t get MORE weird, I have to get OLD PEOPLE GLASSES? NO THANK YOU. Ugh. Next I’ll be drinking Metamucil and snacking on prunes and watching stories with my gramma. Sheesh.
FINALLY! Glasses-time! I met with the tiny kid again. He asked me what I wanted. I told him, NO TRANSITIONS LENSES. He laughed. Then he wrote some figures on a piece of paper and said, “the top figure is the thinnest lens. The bottom figure is the next thinnest. You can go with the next thinnest. It should be fine. I put in the cost of your frames and also took out your AAA discount.”
The prices were:
Top price: My rent plus my cable bill for the month
Bottom price: My rent for the month
I was thinking MAYBE it would all cost me a little over $300. WHAT THE HELL. Since when are glasses the price of RENT FOR YOUR APARTMENT FOR A WHOLE MONTH?
So I did some mental gymnastics and calisthenics and such and thought, “Well, if you just don’t EAT for a week or so, you’ll be ok.” So I quietly said “Yes, the lower price” and my whole stomach was rocking and rolling.
Then the kid was SUPER BOUNCY (I assume he works on commission) and went into the lab and came out all sadface and was all, “Sorry, with your very serious prescription, it’s 7-21 days before the lenses will be in.”
“You said they’d be ready in an hour when I called,” I said. He shook his head. “Nope. That’s for NORMAL people.”
I thought about the cost and I thought about the other eyeglass place I’d checked into where they were currently running a BOGO sale and I thought about the one up the road where they had a $200 all-inclusive special and I said, “I’ll just pay for the prescription and leave, then.”
The kid was NOT HAPPY. “What? No, they’ll be here. You just have to wait,” he said.
“I’m going on vacation in a week and I want my glasses for vacation. Sorry.”
He went into the lab and came back out like a used-car salesman. “Tell you what we can do. We can get you the thickest lenses we make, no frills, in an hour.”
“I have to wear these glasses for TWO YEARS. I’m not wearing thick glasses for two years. My eyes are so bad that if I don’t get the thinner lenses, my eyes look distorted. I did that for years. I’m not doing it again.”
THE KID REFUSED TO TALK TO ME FOR THE REST OF THE TRANSACTION.
I’m not even kidding. He was SO MAD. He rang me up in a stony silence.
So tomorrow I’m scoping out the other two quickie eyecare places and checking into my options, dammit.
I so wanted my sexy librarian smartperson glasses today.
OK. Off to bed, cherryblossoms.
OH SHIT TWO MORE THINGS.
One, two of my most favorite people got ENGAGED the other night! CONGRATULATIONS K. and A.! I love you both to pieces and could not be happier that the two of you found each other and are getting married!
Two, R. and A. are VERY IMPATIENTLY AWAITING the arrival of Baby Girl Awesomesauce. She has gone past her due date. She is like a library book. There will be a fine owed! If I remember correctly, R., you were a little late in coming, too, weren’t you? Maybe it’s hereditary? I promised them I would write them a very funny email in a minute to make R. laugh enough to induce labor. MAN I hope I can bring the funny! Whoo! HERE COMES BABY GIRL AWESOMESAUCE!
Oh, also, if you’re reading my actual blog, you may notice there are ADS on it. Yeah, I know. I have totally been chosen to be one of these ad beta-tester people. AND I GET PAID FOR THEM. So I’m waiting to see if I hate them or if the money starts pouring in or what happens. It’s worth a try, right? I mean, it’s PAINFULLY obvious the rich people aren’t sending me to Europe; I need to be proactive, here.
Happy weekend, all!