I’m super-exhausted tonight, and wasn’t sure if I’d have the energy to write a WHOLE DAMN POST. But then Dumbcat stepped in and said, “Mom, I WANT TO TALK TO THE INTERWEBZ” and I thought, yes, that would be a good idea, let’s let my mentally deficient cat write my post today. So I’m giving the computer to Dumbcat. I’m sure he’ll do an excellent job. I mean, he watches me write every night; he has to have picked something up along the way, right?
Without further ado, I bring you:
A GUEST POST
heLo interwebz. This is Dumbcatt. I am writing a post for you becuz mommy is watching Teh Vampier Diarez and drinking wine. (ed. note: some, if not all of this, might be a fabrication. But probably not.) Teh Vampeir Diareiz is teh scarey becaus there are wolfs and those are liek dogs. I am a catt and do not liek doggs.
Mommy is on this glowing box lotz of the time. I try to sit on it and she says to not sit on it. That is sadface because it is warm and I liek to sit on warm thingz liek the tappy glowing box. When Mommy leaves I try to sneek over to it but she alwasz catchse me. Mommy is way smart, interwebz.
I will tell you a storey about how smarte my Mommy is. SOMETIMES I HIED UNDRE THE COWCH. WHY ARE TEH LETTERZ BIG MOM. MOM. MOM. FIX IT MOM. (ed. note: it’s fixed, Dumbcat. But it’s ok if you use all-caps. My minions expect them from this blog.) When I hide undre the cowch no oen can see me becuz I am hieding so so good. But Mommy can find me alwayz. She touches my tayle and I am so starteld. How did she finded me? MOM MOM MOM HOW DID YOU FINDED ME. (ed. note: because your TAIL is sticking OUT from the EDGE of the COUCH and I can SEE it.)
Mommy sayz you can tell the interwebz peeple all the thingz and also that I am famous on the interwebz. That is exciting! But Grandpa sayz the interwebz peeple will kidnap me. Don’t kidnapp me. I am skerred of car rides adn also carriers adn also peeple.
I am going to tell you all the thingz because Mommy says I can and it is ok and Mommy is smart and tall.
- I onlee have a little stub of a tayle. It is a berth defect. Not from an accidente. Even though I get in a lot of accidentes. The scarey vetdoctor says it waz the way I was borned. Mommy says no one can call me a freek but her. (ed. note: it’s true. I say it with LOVE, that’s the difference.)
- Mommy receud me from the sehlter of amnials to be her cat. She lets me sleepe on her bed but is mad if I claw her with my clawes. I do not knowe why it is how I showe my loving. I also give headbutts hard in her tummy.
- I have a lot of toews. On all of my feetz. My front feet look liek mittenz. My back feet have clawz growing out of the sides really high up. Mommy sayz I am a polydaktyl but that is a long werd. Mostly I just have a lot of toews. Heer is a photo of another polydactyyle catt. MOM MOM MOM IS THIS MY COUSIN? (ed. note: No, babe. No, probably not.)
- I run into thingz with my face a lot. Also my body. And I knock thingz off of the tayble and Mommy says, “DUMBCATT NO NO!” Then I am scarede and I hied. One tiem, I hid in the cubbord where Mommy keepz the pots and panz. I hid in the big pan where she makes soupe. But she still finded me! Mommy is made of magic rainbowes. (ed. note: Aw, kiddo. Your tail was sticking out. So was a lot of the rest of you. You’re a fat behemoth of a purr-monster.)
- I used to have a sister but she went away and Mommy said she was sick and she is in kitty heaven. My sistre was my frend sometimes. But mostly she was mad all the time. Mommy says in ONE MONTH we will get a new cat adn that will be my new sistre or brother. I said, “Can it have a lot of toews, Mommy?” and she sayd she would see what they had at the pownd or on Petfynder. I am on the interwebz rite now. I can look for a new sistre or brother.
This is Rusty. I like him becuz he looks liek a jak o lantren and his eyez are the saem color as his hair. Also he has frecels on his nowes. He remidns me of Morgen Freeman. I like Morgen Freeman becauz he talkde aboute penguines one tyme.
This is Ellie. She looks like me! Mommy says to say ZOEMG now. (ed. note: ZOMG, Dumbcat. Not ZOEMG. What would that even MEAN?) Mommy sayz that Ellie coueld not be my gerlfriend becuz I am neutred. I don’t know what that menz. So this is my new gerlfrend. I am in love. ZOEMGEZ. (ed. note: Now you’re just putting random letters after the “z,” babe.)
This is Ophelia. I don’t know why she is drezsed like a butterfly fary valentyne. (ed. note: Neither do I. WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS PHOTO. I want to adopt this poor cat just to rescue it from whatever’s going on at this cuckoo-bananas Glamourshots shelter.) Ophelia looks prety and also leik she will eat the photogeaypher’s fayce. Haa ha. Mommy says in a play by Shakzepere Ophelia drownd herself in a river. MaYBE IF WE O NO MOM THE LETTERS ARE BIG AGIN! (ed. note: oh, honey. I fixed it. Carry on) rescude this Ophelia she wuld not drown herself in a river.
This is Victor. He is my FAVRITE. He has a MUSTAHCE. Like a MOVIE STARE. (ed. note: Or a porn star.) If he moved in here, we would be good frendz, and he culd teach me thingz, like how to smoke cigars, and drink liqure. He is KLASY. (ed. note: I am already not excited about the bad influence Victor would be on you, buddy-boy. We’re not bring this lothario home. This is just a recipe for disaster. He looks like he would steal my credit card to buy a hooker.)
Mommy sayz it is time for bed soon and I have to go now. I hoep you aer are all my ferinds. If I met you in real lief I would be skared and hied under the cowch.
Here is a picture of mee bloging.
Hey, I hate thingz that smell liek orangez. I don’t want popsicles ever. Don’t bring me popsciles that smele like oranges! ZOMEGIGSANSFPOIHASFOIHFS. (ed. note: Dumbcat, you just fell on the keyboard, didn’t you? Sigh.)