And now, a word from our Dumbcat.

I’m super-exhausted tonight, and wasn’t sure if I’d have the energy to write a WHOLE DAMN POST. But then Dumbcat stepped in and said, “Mom, I WANT TO TALK TO THE INTERWEBZ” and I thought, yes, that would be a good idea, let’s let my mentally deficient cat write my post today. So I’m giving the computer to Dumbcat. I’m sure he’ll do an excellent job. I mean, he watches me write every night; he has to have picked something up along the way, right?

Without further ado, I bring you:

A GUEST POST

(by Dumbcat)

heLo interwebz. This is Dumbcatt. I am writing a post for you becuz mommy is watching Teh Vampier Diarez and drinking wine. (ed. note: some, if not all of this, might be a fabrication. But probably not.) Teh Vampeir Diareiz is teh scarey becaus there are wolfs and those are liek dogs. I am a catt and do not liek doggs.

Mommy is on this glowing box lotz of the time. I try to sit on it and she says to not sit on it. That is sadface because it is warm and I liek to sit on warm thingz liek the tappy glowing box. When Mommy leaves I try to sneek over to it but she alwasz catchse me. Mommy is way smart, interwebz.

I will tell you a storey about how smarte my Mommy is. SOMETIMES I HIED UNDRE THE COWCH. WHY ARE TEH LETTERZ BIG MOM. MOM. MOM. FIX IT MOM. (ed. note: it’s fixed, Dumbcat. But it’s ok if you use all-caps. My minions expect them from this blog.) When I hide undre the cowch no oen can see me becuz I am hieding so so good. But Mommy can find me alwayz. She touches my tayle and I am so starteld. How did she finded me? MOM MOM MOM HOW DID YOU FINDED ME. (ed. note: because your TAIL is sticking OUT from the EDGE of the COUCH and I can SEE it.)

Mommy sayz you can tell the interwebz peeple all the thingz and also that I am famous on the interwebz. That is exciting! But Grandpa sayz the interwebz peeple will kidnap me. Don’t kidnapp me. I am skerred of car rides adn also carriers adn also peeple.

I am going to tell you all the thingz because Mommy says I can and it is ok and Mommy is smart and tall.

  1. I onlee have a little stub of a tayle. It is a berth defect. Not from an accidente. Even though I get in a lot of accidentes. The scarey vetdoctor says it waz the way I was borned. Mommy says no one can call me a freek but her. (ed. note: it’s true. I say it with LOVE, that’s the difference.)
  2. Mommy receud me from the sehlter of amnials to be her cat. She lets me sleepe on her bed but is mad if I claw her with my clawes. I do not knowe why it is how I showe my loving. I also give headbutts hard in her tummy.
  3. I have a lot of toews. On all of my feetz. My front feet look liek mittenz. My back feet have clawz growing out of the sides really high up. Mommy sayz I am a polydaktyl but that is a long werd. Mostly I just have a lot of toews. Heer is a photo of another polydactyyle catt. MOM MOM MOM IS THIS MY COUSIN? (ed. note: No, babe. No, probably not.)

    I am sad this is not my cousen or sistre or brotherr or freynd.

  4. I run into thingz with my face a lot. Also my body. And I knock thingz off of the tayble and Mommy says, “DUMBCATT NO NO!” Then I am scarede and I hied. One tiem, I hid in the cubbord where Mommy keepz the pots and panz. I hid in the big pan where she makes soupe. But she still finded me! Mommy is made of magic rainbowes. (ed. note: Aw, kiddo. Your tail was sticking out. So was a lot of the rest of you. You’re a fat behemoth of a purr-monster.)
  5. I used to have a sister but she went away and Mommy said she was sick and she is in kitty heaven. My sistre was my frend sometimes. But mostly she was mad all the time. Mommy says in ONE MONTH we will get a new cat adn that will be my new sistre or brother. I said, “Can it have a lot of toews, Mommy?” and she sayd she would see what they had at the pownd or on Petfynder. I am on the interwebz rite now. I can look for a new sistre or brother.

This is Rusty. I like him becuz he looks liek a jak o lantren and his eyez are the saem color as his hair. Also he has frecels on his nowes. He remidns me of Morgen Freeman. I like Morgen Freeman becauz he talkde aboute penguines one tyme.

This is Ellie. She looks like me! Mommy says to say ZOEMG now. (ed. note: ZOMG, Dumbcat. Not ZOEMG. What would that even MEAN?) Mommy sayz that Ellie coueld not be my gerlfriend becuz I am neutred. I don’t know what that menz. So this is my new gerlfrend. I am in love. ZOEMGEZ. (ed. note: Now you’re just putting random letters after the “z,” babe.)

This is Ophelia. I don’t know why she is drezsed like a butterfly fary valentyne. (ed. note: Neither do I. WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS PHOTO. I want to adopt this poor cat just to rescue it from whatever’s going on at this cuckoo-bananas Glamourshots shelter.) Ophelia looks prety and also leik she will eat the photogeaypher’s fayce. Haa ha. Mommy says in a play by Shakzepere Ophelia drownd herself in a river. MaYBE IF WE O NO MOM THE LETTERS ARE BIG AGIN! (ed. note: oh, honey. I fixed it. Carry on) rescude this Ophelia she wuld not drown herself in a river.

This is Victor. He is my FAVRITE. He has a MUSTAHCE. Like a MOVIE STARE. (ed. note: Or a porn star.) If he moved in here, we would be good frendz, and he culd teach me thingz, like how to smoke cigars, and drink liqure. He is KLASY. (ed. note: I am already not excited about the bad influence Victor would be on you, buddy-boy. We’re not bring this lothario home. This is just a recipe for disaster. He looks like he would steal my credit card to buy a hooker.)

Mommy sayz it is time for bed soon and I have to go now. I hoep you aer are all my ferinds. If I met you in real lief I would be skared and hied under the cowch.

Here is a picture of mee bloging.

Hey, I hate thingz that smell liek orangez. I don’t want popsicles ever. Don’t bring me popsciles that smele like oranges! ZOMEGIGSANSFPOIHASFOIHFS. (ed. note: Dumbcat, you just fell on the keyboard, didn’t you? Sigh.)

Love, Dumbbcat.

Advertisements

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

58 responses to “And now, a word from our Dumbcat.

  • elaine4queen

    “frecels on his nowes”

    aw.

    Like

  • Rich Crete

    That certainly explains why he didn’t let us in the other day.
    This old mignon votes again for the new cat’s “nom de blog” to be Dumas.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Dumbcat hopes you liked that, and are not making fun of him. He doesn’t want to hide in the pots and pans cupboard again. It’s dark in there and whenever he moves the pan lids make loud noises and it scares him.

      Like

  • sj

    Oh, Dumbcat. Thank you so much for this post. I giggled the whole way through, you are just the sweetiest.

    Amy, please rescue Ophelia from the GlamourShelter, I’m pretty sure she will end up drowning herself to get out of that costume. [sadface]

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      The WHOLE SHELTER is like that. There were MULTIPLE PHOTOS of Glamourcats. It was so weird. I think it’s probably not a shelter, but someone’s house or something, and all they do all day is dress up stray cats and giggle in a worrisome way. Eep!

      Like

      • sj

        Dumbcat – I just read your post the whole way through again, and it made me laugh even harder this time. I will totally be your friend, if you will let me. I promise, I am very nice to kitties, and one of my little boys is very nice to kitties as well. We would pretend to not find you hiding so you would trust us enough to come out. I hope your mommy lets you blog again soon!

        Amy – I really am scared of these GlamourCats. Part of me is itching to go searching for them RIGHT MEOW, but another part is just so scared of what she might find. [sigh] Decisions, decisions.

        Like

  • blogginglily

    this made me laugh multiple time. Lolgasm.

    Also, Ophelia is a catasus. A winged cat. ridiculous picture.

    Like

  • zippy219

    Awwww, Dumbcat! I love Dumbcat! Thanks for writing.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Thank you! I’m glad you liked it! I was a little worried no one would find this as humorous as I did. Dad’s response? “Those internet people are going to get you committed. The mental hospital is going to come. Don’t answer the door.” That made me laugh and laugh. I don’t think people obsessed with their cat can be committed. Or the WHOLE INTERNET would be committed. :)

      Like

      • zippy219

        Does your Dad not realize that we love you and Dumbcat because we’re all very similar people? We’re just as obsessed with out pets and the internet! We would not have you committed, unless you asked…and even then we’d probably try very hard to help.

        Tell your Dad if he ever joined the internet; all your internet people would be his friend too. Because we’re that cool! On second thought that will probably keep him up at night for a week! So don’t tell him that.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          He does not understand. I’m going to attempt to explain the internet to him while we’re in Florida. We’re going to go over Twitter, Facebook, and blogging. If nothing else, it will make for a hilarious blog post.

          Also, he is SO MAD I’m getting another cat. “You just got rid of ONE! Why would you get ANOTHER? That’s RIDICULOUS!” He hates animals. HATES. I think I’m adopted.

          Like

  • Caron ET (@runreadrant)

    F’ing highlarious!!! love,love! i really dont want to be a douchecanoe:D

    Like

  • becomingcliche

    If I scratch your tummy, will you bite me? Your spelling is better than 99% of the people on Facebook. Goooood kitty!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      He wouldn’t bite you – he’s very sweet – but he would run away. He hates his tummy touched.

      His spelling being better than most people on Facebook made me laugh and laugh. And, yeah. It kind of is. SIGH.

      Like

  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    Dear Dumbcat,
    Thank you for guest-blogging today! You might be even funnier than Amy (aka “mOMmy”)!! If I ever meet you I hope you won’t hide from me, because I like cats – and even had one with a lot of toews, too!

    You take good care of your mommy, now – she’s pretty special, as you know! :-)

    Like

  • Kristen Armstrong (@krispix24)

    I laughed my way through this – great post Dumbcat. And I agree Ophelia needs to be rescued. That picture is just, well, WTF?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Worst part is – there were a TON of these photos. A TON. All the cats that place had up for adoption were in weird costumes. What is HAPPENING at that place?

      Dumbcat thanks you! Well, he’s sleeping. But he WOULD thank you, were he awake, and not eating or hiding.

      Like

  • miskadoodlewrites

    “He looks like he would steal my credit card to buy a hooker.”
    This entire post had me giggling, but I laughed so loud at that line I startled my own antisocial cat friend. This was such a funny post – Dumbcat, thanks for the lulz, you highly amusing kitty.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Hee! I kind of love that cat. I almost want to adopt him just because he looks so shady. Thank you! And thanks from Dumbcat, he’s watching me write in a very interested way right now! :)

      Like

      • miskadoodlewrites

        Plus: MUSTACHE. Soo, since I’m new to the blogosphere and your blog is so entertaining, I…*scuffs ground with shoe* gave you the Versatile Blogger award on mah blog. I mean, Dumbcat is included too, I don’t want him to feel left out. It doesn’t get more versatile than your cat guest posting about kitties on Petfynder :)

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          Aw, thank you! I will run over once I’m home today and give you some blog love. But I can’t accept because I am a jerk and never accept awards. I hate having to choose people, because it means I have to leave other people out, and I HATE that. Someone always gets upset with me, and then I feel like a mean girl. But I am always so, so honored when I am nominated! Thank you thank you thank you!

          Like

          • miskadoodlewrites

            That’s totally cool – you know, a couple of the blogs I really liked and nominated, and then I found out they don’t do award thingies for that exact reason, because I just don’t pay attention like I should, so, learning experience! And thank you so much for following!

            Like

            • lucysfootball

              No no no! Don’t feel bad. It really is always so nice to be nominated. And I always feel terrible saying no. It’s just that the whole picking other’s blogs thing makes my stomach ache, so I opt out. It was so nice of you! Really! :)

              Like

  • greengeekgirl

    Victor reminds me of Jason Ritter’s character on Parenthood (who is a high school English teacher and not at all a bad influence):

    Like

  • Kelly Naylor

    ROFL! Dumbcat sounds like he is related to Stupid Boy Cat… only smarter.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      You have a dumb cat, too? I love that! Dumb cats are the BEST. They’re an endless source of amusement, aren’t they? :)

      Like

      • Kelly Naylor

        I had another hysterically amusing cat years ago. His name was Thor (my roommie and I found a litter whose mom had abandoned them on our back porch; we named them all after Norse deities: Odin, Loki, Thor and Freya). Now, it’s well known that Thor was not the brightest of all deities; however, this cat’s dorkiness was an insult to even the not-so-bright Norse god. But funny? Oh, heck yeah!!

        Every freakin’ day, he’d forget the living room floor was polished wood, and he’d go flying down the hallway — with the intention to stop once he reached the living room, we always hoped — and then slide across the entire width of the living room before thumping up against the wall. Then he’d get up and look at the wall as if trying to figure out when we put it there. (No animals were ever hurt in the performance of this story; however, human sides were often split painfully with laughter.)

        I also live with Psycho Girl Cat now, too. She chases invisible dust bunnies. Or sometimes invisible speedy things might be chasing her. It’s hard to tell when things are invisible, you know? Her favorite past time, though, is to “kill” her little stuffed pink pig — several times a day — and bring me its dead and ruined carcass. She cracks me up, too. :-)

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          Hee! I love that. Dumbcat runs into things with his head often, as well. And GLARES at them. Like, “why are you there, table that’s always been there, damn you?” He’s an endless source of amusement.

          There’s nothing better than an amusing cat!

          Like

          • Kelly Naylor

            I’m so lucky to have TWO amusing cats. They’re getting up there in age, and I’m pretty sure Stupid Boy Cat is suffering from senile dementia, which only makes him funnier. The cuddles with the dishwasher. I have no idea what that’s all about, and the vet was only guessing when she said something about him liking the sound and/or vibrations. Bah! I’ve made up a better story! He’s talking to the alien cats who are coming to take over (when they get around to it; they’re in no hurry).

            I love when Psycho Girl Cat falls off furniture (she does it often, always has) and has this look on her face that says, “I did that on purpose, you know. Did you take a picture of it? You should have taken a picture. Did you?” (Ha. Of course not, silly. You’ll do it again in a few hours.)

            Ayup. Cats are the best.

            Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Good post, Dumbcat! (I suspect any spelling errors come from you having too many toes on your front paws..)

    If I were to give you any advice on getting a new cat friend, I’d say get a girl. Cat boys can be quite hostile to other cat boys, and you don’t want that, do you? Plus, cat girls are usually smaller, so if there happened to be a fight, you’d probably win.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I think I need to get a female. I do tend to like male cats more, but if the cat I bring home doesn’t like Dumbcat, that’s a problem. He’s my sweet boy and always gets beaten up by meaner cats. I don’t want to see that happening again. It’s happened before and he just sits there and takes it and looks so confused. Poor guy.

      Like

      • greengeekgirl

        Girl cats can also be totally mean. Pepper still hisses at Lily just because Peps is a jealous cat, and Lily is now the baby.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          When roomie and I still lived together, there were many fights between her cat and my two. And poor Dumbcat was always the one pounced upon. He never fought back. He just sat there, sadly. He’d totally be the bullied kid in school. So, so sad.

          Like

  • MsDarkstar

    Dear Dumbcat,

    This was a brilliant, witty post. You have obviously learned the Art of Blogging well from your “mom”, Amy.

    Please blog again about your new brother or sister once he or she has come to live with you.

    I would hope that if I came to visit, you would not hide too much. I am a very good cat petter, I have references from both the cats who live with me AND the cats at the cat rescue where I volunteer. (Do I get bonus points for volunteering with a cat rescue?)

    My (boycat) Willow gets picked on all the time by my (girlcat) Crystal. For about 6 months they were very hissy/growly with each other so there was a babygate up in my house to keep them apart. About a month ago, I took the gate down and there is way less hissy/growly now. It’s weird because Crystal is about half Willow’s size, but she totally kicks his butt and pounces on him and stuff. So, Dumbcat, I hope that when a new cat comes to live with you that there will be peace and not much hissy/growly.

    Good luck with the new roomie and please, please, PLEASE blog again.

    Much Love,
    MsDarkstar

    Like

  • cm

    Dumbcat always makes me smile! I so miss him. Not sure W. does though, but she has other boycat to keep in his place now. I’ll come visit next month!! And congrats on surviving another tax season!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      YAY! I was hoping you’d see that he’d blogged! He misses YOU. He begs for treats, but not as happily as he did for you! :) I can’t wait to see you next month – I’m gone the first weekend of the show, but here the 2nd & 3rd, & can get you guys at least one comp, just let me know!

      Like

      • cm

        So happy you’re taking a real vacation. Maybe some day I will once again….

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          You WILL you WILL! Thank you – I’m going to the ZOO! I’ll put up all the photos so you can see them! There will be CARACALS, I can’t wait!

          Oh, also? This chick I work with at second job? Got to HOLD BABY TIGERS on her vacation a couple weeks ago. I saw photos. BABY TIGERS. I am DYING.

          Like

%d bloggers like this: