“Russian mobster” is not a valid choice for the “occupation” line on your 1040 form. Try again.

Well, here we are. Monday. Isn’t that something? Two more days of tax craziness. What WILL I do once this is over, I wonder? With all of that free time I suddenly have? I’m thinking weep. Weep with FREEDOM.

Listen, do you know what happens when you’re exhausted at the tax firm and you really like one of your coworkers? You get giggly. (I don’t mean “have a crush on” really like. I mean, get along with well. My coworker K. is just about the most kickass. We’ve worked together for six and a half years now in really close quarters and, luckily, enjoy each other’s company immensely. I can’t even imagine how hellish work would be if we didn’t, since we see each other, pretty much exclusively, all day long. Apparently, the girl in the position before I was there was a looney? And she called K. a VERY NAUGHTY WORD one time. Because K. didn’t want to do all the photocopying while the other chick did her nails or some such nonsense. The “c” word, if you must know. K. HATES the “c” word. Also, the looney chick one time went ballistic and screamed at everyone in the office because they cleaned out the fridge and threw away her moldy porkchop she was saving for some reason no one could ascertain. She works for the state government now, or so I’m told. So that’s nice, right?) And YES, K. and I are grown women. Grown women can get giggly when they’re exhausted, too. It’s allowed.

First, a little background. K. and I are clerical staff. So we do thousands of taxes. Personal, corporations, trusts, etc. Every one of those, once they’re done, needs to be processed. Sorted, stapled, sign-here stickers affixed, input into a database, addressed, etc. That’s  what K. and I do. Well, among a million other things. It’s time-consuming and a little mind-numbing but it’s necessary.

Who does their taxes with a pencil anymore? This photo is suck.

This time of year, everyone’s on brain-fry. So they’re not double-checking their work like they’re supposed to. There are a LOT of errors in the returns that we’re getting. Forms missing. Spouse’s names missing. (Or, even worse, spouse’s names STILL THERE, when the spouse has either been kicked to the curb or has died.) And typos. Oh, my, the typos.

K. found two typos on Friday that probably weren’t that humorous? But neither of us is getting very quality sleep lately, and we’re busy as hell, and people are being shouty and demanding, and they just struck us as HILARIOUS. Also, K. is just the funniest to me. She says things in this deadpan way that cracks my shit UP.

K.: I don’t think this one’s right.
Me: Why, what’s wrong with it?
K.: Do you think the guy’s name is Dot John?
Me: What?
K.: Look. There’s a period in front of his first name. He’s Dot John.
Me: OMG. I think he’s a website.
K.: I don’t think he’s a website.
Me: Look at how much money he made. Maybe he is!
K.: I think I have to talk to the director about changing this.
Me: No, don’t. I like the dot. It’s jaunty. It’s like Doctor or Sir. It’s a title! Dot John.

So then all day long I kept calling people in the office Dot Whatever. Dot Amy. Dot Danny. Dot Mike. Dot Alex. And whenever I did it. K. and I would get the giggles. It got to the point where I was almost crying over the stupid dot. Then I started SINGING it, like that commercial. Is it Priceline? The one that says the website, then says, “DOT COOOOMMMM!” all cheery after it. Only I was saying, “DOT JOOOHNNNNN!” after it. Then I told K. that on 30 Rock, there was actually a CHARACTER named Dot Com, so I was pretty sure that Dot John was the guy’s real name.

This is Dot Com from "30 Rock." He's probably Dot John's distant cousin.

Side note: it was NOT the guy’s real name, and the director in charge was TOTALLY stompy-pants about having to go into the system and change it. Well, it’s not OUR fault there’s a random period in front of the guy’s name, rendering him a website, now IS it, Stompy McStomp Stomp?

Then after the Dot John situation was cleared up – well, except for the giggling – she got ANOTHER one.

K.: Oh, shit. This isn’t right. Why do I keep getting these things?
Me: Probably because you pay attention. I don’t even care if there are typos in mine. What did you find this time?
K.: Look at this guy’s name.
(She showed me the cover letter. Now, the guy’s name was Walter. But somehow, a CZJ had been inserted in front of it, without a space, rendering him CZJWalter.)
Me: OMG. CZJWalter. I LOVE THAT. It’s very exotic.
K.: I’m pretty sure that can’t be right.
Me: I think it is. I think he’s from Czechoslovakia.
K.: His last name is Smith. I don’t think he’s from Czechoslovakia.
Me: Maybe they changed it at Ellis Island.
K.: What kind of name is CZJWalter?
Me: An awesome one. One that garners RESPECT. He could be a Russian mobster with a name like that.

This is probably what CZJWalter looks like under his suits. All Russian tattoos and such. I would not want to screw with CZJWalter.

K.: No, I just looked up what he does for a living. It doesn’t say Russian mobster.
Me: Well, OBVIOUSLY he wouldn’t put that on his TAX RETURN. That’d be a huge red flag.
K.: How would you even say that name?”
Me: Oh, easy. Sss-juh-walter. The C and the Z kind of moosh together into a S sound.
K.: I have to go talk to that same director about this.
Me: Oh, poor CZJWalter. He’s probably so tired of people thinking he doesn’t have a real name and that it’s a typo.

(Side note: it was a typo.)

So between Dot John and the Russian or possibly Czechoslovakian mobster CZJWalter, I was seriously in stitches. Tears of stitches. Again, I’m pretty sure these things weren’t funny to anyone but me and K., mostly because they just meant extra work for the people who have to fix such things. (I will refrain from saying that if you just DOUBLE CHECKED YOUR WORK TO BEGIN WITH, none of this would have happened! But then, think of the comedic gold that we would have missed out on. So sad.)

Ugh, so anyway. TWO MORE DAYS. And then a day and a half of cleanup, and then A DAY AND A HALF OFF. Which, honefully, will involve The Nephew in some capacity. Also, I was just reminded I have yet to see either The Hunger Games or Cabin in the Woods, and with a day and a half off, I could see BOTH OF THEM. Oh, the wonders that await me!

OK, this is short. I KNOW IT IS. Either you’re rejoicing over that, or you’re sadface. Either way, I’m ending this now because it’s time for me to move onto the next plan and then the next scheme. Sunday’s a-wastin’! (UPDATE UPDATE! I totally taught myself how to use my webcam this weekend. I win technology. Will there be video blogs in your future, my little sweet potatoes? Oh, there well might be.)

Happy Monday! Send happy rainbow kitten unicorn thoughts that I can be like the little engine that could today! Or at least the little-engine-that-could-refrain-from-bathroom-weeping-and/or-punching-her-coworkers!

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

26 responses to ““Russian mobster” is not a valid choice for the “occupation” line on your 1040 form. Try again.

  • sj

    That’s TOTALLY a Czech Mobster name. Totally.



  • blogginglily

    Having just finished my taxes the wounds are still too fresh for me to properly enjoy this post. Plus also my last name and one of the names you mocked are shockingly similar and I’m soooo offended.

    I started “reading” “Mrs. Whatsherass’s Home for Peculiar Children”. I don’t love it. I’m not positive that I even like it. I tell you this because you wrote a review of it at Booksluts. Do you remember that? I’ll tell you about it if you don’t. You were similarly underwhelmed. I’m almost at the end. I don’t care. I already know how I’d have ended it, and I already can anticipated a couple ways it could be ended. . . and I don’t care about any of them. The main character is sort of a dumbass. Mrs. Whatsherass is kind of a dumbass, and the interactions between characters are dumbass. So much dumbassery.

    ONE of the problems with listening to an audiobook, however, is that a shitty reader can make a good book seem not so good. And this guy is not reading the book the way I want my books read to me. He is imparting all sorts of urgency to his first person narrative that doesn’t belong there. Instead of saving his emotion and inflection for the speaking parts, he’s also acting out the descriptive parts. . . It’s hard to describe properly. Let’s just say I feel like he’s reading to kids who aren’t old enough to appreciate his message. I’m old enough and it’s fucking pissing me off.

    The reason that’s a problem is that I can’t tell if the book is THAT bad. . . or if it’s just KIND of bad, and the reading makes it seem worse than it really is.


    Good blog.


  • surroundedbyimbeciles

    So, the crazy people leave to work for the government?


  • elaine4queen

    sending you ALL THE VIBES ~~~~~~~


  • lahikmajoe

    I like this. Am glad you’re enjoying yourself through all of this. It’s almost over, right? You can do it.

    I only wrote this comment so I could sign off with:



    • lucysfootball

      Aw, CZJKen. We already knew you were working with the mafia in some capacity. With the assassining and all.

      Almost over! One more day, and a couple days of insane filing! Alllllmost there!


  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    It’s Expedia. Expedia DOT COMMMMMMMMMM!
    (But, you were close with Priceline, so don’t feel bad.)
    Hang in there, today. Hope you and K find some more good typos! (Hmm, BTW, are you really one of the Men In Black folks? Because they always just call each other by initials. In fact, “K” is one of the main guys in the movies. Hmmmm. THAT could explain a LOT of what goes on in your life… ;-)


  • Kevin Marshall

    “She works for the state government now, or so I’m told. ”



  • robindeigh

    We have an actual lion tamer for a client! That’s almost as cool as a Russian mobster, right?

    Seriously we are brain fried. I deleted a client the other day instead of deleting his rental property. Thankfully we had a backup.

    I just spent an hour trying to figure out what the heck my cardiologist bought for his new office. It turns out he used company funds to buy an antique german gun and coded it to machinery and equipment.

    My office is a block from the liquor store. I often wonder if my clients drink on the way over to my place.

    We can make it!


    • lucysfootball

      That is awesome! We don’t have anyone that cool. An heiress. We had a movie star I won’t name but she’s totally famous before I started working there. We still get her mail sometimes. I always giggle. A dancer. A guy who might be shady. That’s about the most exciting we’ve got. Sigh.

      I know, we’re all running on no sleep and mistakes are getting made left and right. It’s worrisome. We’re the people you trust with your MONEY! And we’re all SLEEP-DEPRIVED!

      Hee! A German gun! That’s tricky!

      We’re almost there! One more day!


  • lgalaviz

    Why on earth would you want a cake you couldn’t eat? What the hell would be the point of that.


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