OK, we’re talking about celebrity shenanigans today, so buckle up, kiddos. I don’t want to get pulled over, seriously, cops get really mad about not having your children in carseats. Remember when Brit-Brit was all “That’s how we DO it! We’re COUNTRY!” when she was driving around with her kid on her lap and got pulled over? SO PUT ON YOUR SEATBELTS. I can’t afford a ticket right now.
Oh, I didn’t do my daily “how’s Amy’s sanity” check-in. Let’s do that. Amy’s sanity is…somewhat intact? Four more days of work. The end is in sight! Sort of! People are getting testy testy TESTY over there. Whoo! However, I have yet to bathroom-weep, even though they stole my Twitter. I’m kind of irrationally proud of that. Which means that probably tomorrow, there will be bathroom-weeping, but that’s the way it goes, I suppose.
So, yeah, it’s going. People who do such things, if you are so inclined, please continue to send me adorably supportive and/or sarcastically bitter emails, which make me laugh and feel like I’m in a warm bubble bath of love. Thanks ever so.
Anyway, so today, let’s talk about celebrities and the shenanigans they’re currently causing. What’s that? Do I think I’m TMZ? Who cares? Oh, no one, probably, and no, I don’t think I’m TMZ, at least not the last time I checked. But I’m currently incapable of thinking too deeply, and when I want to turn off my brain: CELEBRITY NEWS.
First: Oh, WTF, Courtney Love. DUBYA TEE EFF.
OK, so I know, I KNOW, that Courtney Love is a hot mess. I know that. I KNOW. I am not unintelligent. However, here’s the scoop.
I’ve mentioned this before, but I love, and will always love, Courtney Love. Even when she’s being an utter looney and doing horrible things and being destructive and hateful and crazy heaped on top of crazy topped with a cherry of crazy.
In one of the darkest times of my life, Hole was the soundtrack. And Hole, say what you will, helped me keep it together. And, even though she’s got major issues, I feel a kinship to Courtney Love. I’m not saying I think we could be BFFs and hang out and yell at hairdressers together or whatever, but I just feel BAD for her. She’s SO MESSED UP. There’s drugs and a dead husband and her own daughter doesn’t seem to want anything to do with her and mental issues and she doesn’t ever seem to get any help, or if she does, it doesn’t seem to take, does it?
Anyway, her latest thing (ugh, SIGH, Courtney) is that she went on Twitter (AGAIN) and ranted and raved that Dave Grohl was hitting on Frances Bean, and she wanted to shoot him, and that he was in love with Kurt the whole time. And it was, as always, typo-ridden and just over-the-top-weird.
And Frances Bean responded with a very adult, “Um, that never happened, Twitter should ban my mom.” Only, she said, “While I’m generally silent on the affairs of my biological mother, her recent tirade has taken a gross turn.” Her BIOLOGICAL mother. Ugh. OUCH. Seriously, say what you want, but Courtney did seem to, to the best of her abilities, love her daughter. Who has completely cut her off, apparently. This is heartbreaking.
Also, have we SEEN Frances Bean lately? GORGEOUS, you guys. Utterly stunning.
Anyway. I don’t know what the solution here is, honestly. I mean, it’s not up to me to solve the world’s problems, so who cares if I have a solution. I’m not Dr. Phil. But this is just the saddest. And I’m pretty sure one of these days we’re going to hear that Courtney Love is dead, you know? It’s surprising it hasn’t happened yet. And it will make me really sad. Listen, I’m not saying my heart is intelligent? Quite the opposite. It’s very, very stupid. But I have a Courtney Love thing. You know how I’m relentlessly loyal to my people? Courtney Love is my people. Sorry if that is an embarrassment. But my heart hurts for her. She’s like that kooky cousin you kind of shake your head over, but you still love. And she helped get me through a bad time. So, yeah. I’ll always love her. And worry about her. A lot.
On to similarly upsetting topics.
KIRK EFFING CAMERON.
OK, so you know Kirk Cameron, right? Growing Pains. Mike Seaver. Best friend named Boner. Always getting into kooky jams and scrapes, but always learning important lessons. About LIFE.
Well! Let’s play “where are they now,” shall we?
So the Kirk Cameron you see above, with the pants of redness and the jacket that is just TOO COOL to be worn, just all slung CASUALLY over his shoulder all sexy-like, has turned into this:
Kirk Cameron became a born-again Christian. Now, I have nothing against born-again Christians, per se. As long as they aren’t loud. And hatey. But Cameron? He’s the loudest of the loud and the hatiest of the hatey.
On Piers Morgan in early March, Kirk Cameron “explained that he believes homosexuality is ‘unnatural… I think that it’s detrimental, and ultimately destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization.'”
Because, you know, there’s no one who knows the mind of God more than a born-again Christian self-righteous asshat. AND, the mind of God is apparently FILLED WITH HATRED AND JUDGERY.
Also, he has this website where you can learn about things like:
- His super-good movies, where he refuses to kiss on-screen, because that’s breaking his marriage vows! Apparently, everything he does on screen is for REALSIES, you guys. Also, you can learn about his role in those Left Behind movies that my mom used to be obsessed with and that gave me the willies. Because if I end up left behind with judgey assholes like the Kirkster, I’m going to hitch a ride with one of the four horsemen right out of Dodge, no joke.
- His ministry, where you can “break out of your comfort zone and share the everlasting gospel with atheists, agnostics, cult members, and family members – it is more of a thrill than bull-riding or sky-diving!”
- How his words were TWISTED by the EVIL PIERS MORGAN! Who is probably AN INSTRUMENT OF THE DEVIL! And how he regrets NONE OF WHAT HE SAID! However, no one should mistreat the gays or the bisexuals. They should just say things like how unnatural they are. That’s not “mistreating” them. That’s just “professing his faith.” (I don’t know where he stands on transgender folk. HOW WILL I SLEEP TONIGHT KIRK.)
- How he’s doing some sort of tent-revival about how to save your marriage! WON’T THAT BE A HOOT!
- A video where Anderson Cooper interviews Kirk Cameron about what he thinks about that time all those birds died! (Spoiler alert: Kirk Cameron thinks the gays did it with their gay thought-beams of gayness. JUST KIDDING. He has no idea. Because he is NOT A SCIENTIST. Also, Anderson Cooper looked disgusted throughout this interview. Smart man, that Anderson Cooper.)
- He has six kids. Has he mentioned? Six. Hey, he has six kids. Can he mention it again? SIX KIDS. (It’s because he doesn’t believe in birth control. You know. Because of JESUS.)
Alright, let’s just get this out of the way right now: Kirk Cameron, I never thought you were hot. I always thought you had an oddly-shaped head, and I’ve never been able to trust a man who uses that much product in his hair. I was all about Sean Astin when I was young. Sean Astin and Ralph Macchio. I know, looking back, these are also not the smartest choices, but at least they haven’t turned out to be hatemongering douchemonsters.
If you were a true Christian, you would not go around furthering an agenda of hate. You would love everyone. You say you’re just going by the Bible. Right? OK, I can play that game, too. I taught churchschool, Poindexter. I know my Bible. How about this: John 13:34-35, New International Version (NIV): 34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
Are we ignoring this one for the “NO GAYS NO GAYS” one? Because I think, were Jesus here standing in front of us right now, and were given the Sophie’s choice of “Hey, Jesus, you get to pick one of these edicts, but ONLY ONE, so choose wisely: a., ALL GAYS ARE EVIL BAD EVIL BAD FOREVER EW EW EW, or b., As I have loved you, so you must love one another. So, which’ll it be, Jesus old buddy old pal?” I’m pretty sure you and I BOTH know, Cameron, which one he’d choose. Right? And it wouldn’t be the one you’re spouting hate about all around the town. I think Jesus leaned a little more toward the love and a little less toward the judgey hate. Also, now, correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t there a “Let he who is without sin among you be the first to cast a stone?” in the Bible? I’m pretty sure there was. And I think we all know the outcome. NO ONE WAS WITHOUT SIN. Including you, Cameron. INCLUDING YOU. I mean, your crimes against fashion in the 80s ALONE are enough to condemn you to at LEAST a few eternities in one of the minor circles of Hell once you perish, I think we can all agree?
Anyway, I’ve decided there’s more than a little a “methinks the lady doth protest too much” going on here, especially once this study came out the other day: Study Finds Homophobes Often Have Repressed Homosexual Tendencies.
I mean, I kind of always KNEW this? But I love that science backed it up, finally. I’m not going to recap this. It’s totally worth the click. It’s not going to give you a virus. But here’s a teaser sentence: “the study shows homophobia as a defensive response to suppressed feelings.” So the next time you come across a violent homophobe and you think, hmm, why so homophobic? Yeah. There’s probably something more going on there. Like you always suspected. You can smile to yourself, a smile of knowing all the knowledge. Science backs you up.
In happier news, Cameron’s Growing Pains co-stars do NOT stand behind his rant. They were solidly “no no no” about it when it came out. So apparently he did not learn ANYTHING from the Seavers, and there needs to be a Very Special Reunion Episode of Growing Pains where they have an intervention and Mike comes out of the closet and all the Seavers nod knowingly and say, “Gah, FINALLY, Mike!”
Also, in related news, this happened today, and it made me insanely happy. But, since Funny or Die and WordPress apparently are mortal enemies, I can’t embed it, even though I’ve tried for like twenty minutes and I’m close to tears. So you have to click. It’s funny, I promise. Even though I’m so mad at it right now I could throw a ninja star at it.
OK. It’s late, I’m tired, I’m cranky as hell, and I want to try to get some sleep that’s not interrupted by panic attacks, what do you say?
Happy Friday, all. Love your faces. Four more days, four more days.