I’m sorry I had a fight in the middle of your Black Panther party.

I have a lot of things in my head today. RANDOM CRAP SATURDAY!

It’s nice here on the dark side. There’s cake.

So…new laptop. SO SHINY. Listen, I can’t even explain how much this thing is blowing my mind. I know. I KNOW. You probably all have laptops and iPads and whatnot and are all, meh, Amy, this is not that exciting. But the evil other computer? I can’t even explain how slow it was. And the freezing up. And the not allowing me to do things. And the erasing things I’d written so I had to re-do hours of work. And did I mention the freezing? Right before I wanted to go to bed? SO MUCH FREEZING. I would have a weeping breakdown over that thing weekly. Which is why it’s good I live alone. Having a roommate who had to deal with such things = a good way to lose a friend. Dumbcat doesn’t care if I have a weeping meltdown, as long as I feed him, and once and a while give him some cuddles.

But new laptop! I haven’t been this much in love with an inanimate object since I got my cell last year (around this time, actually. Tax season = Amy has the money to buy new technology!) I am sitting on my couch writing while I can watch television and Dumbcat is all cuddled up to me and I have fruit punch. ALL IS WELL IN THE WORLD.

Well, I did something today I SWORE I would never do. Are you ready? You’re going to be shocked. SHOCKED. I couldn’t do it with the old computer, and my cell doesn’t have enough memory.

I…downloaded the Kindle App.


Wait! Let me plead my case!

I love paper books. I love them. So much. I’m not going to stop reading paper books. I am currently reading A Feast for Crows, and it’s paper. And although I am a little befuddled about who all these new characters are and it’s making my head a little swimmy, I love it more than a lot of things in the world.

But you know my gig over at Insatiable Booksluts, which I love a bushel and a peck?

We get galleys and such to read, sometimes. Which are available only by e-reader. I want to be able to read them, and review them.

Also, my library has started putting some new releases out via e-reader. NEW releases. Which I could get quicker than I could if I waited for the paper copy, which sometimes has a very long wait, and although patience is totally a virtue, it’s not one I possess.

AND, sometimes books go on crazy sale for e-reader. Like, a couple of dollars. I could read a book for a couple of dollars!

Also – YES, I KNOW, I PUT A LOT OF THOUGHT INTO SOMETHING SO SIMPLE – I decided it was asshatty of me to be so mistrusting of this new technology. I love technology. Love it. How much do I love my phone, my laptop, social networking, this very blog you’re reading? Yes, true, none of those worry me that they’ll be the end of publishing as I know it – and listen, no one loves paper books as much as I do, NO ONE – but it’s a douche move of me to completely disregard an entire new form of technology because I’m being a Luddite about it. And probably there will always be books, right? Just say there will, I don’t want to live in a world where things are otherwise, I’ll just die.

So, yes. I downloaded the Kindle app. Me! The person who, just a few months ago, TURNED DOWN A GIFT KINDLE. (If it matters, I’ve felt like an asshole about that ever since.)

I now have a new shiny book to read on it and EVERYTHING. And the free books that came with it.

I KNOW ZOMG. This is kind of a small step for man moment, right? Right.

And? The logo of Kindle could not even be cheerier and more evocative if it TRIED.

I think this might be trouble with a capital T for a booklover with a credit card, right?


Inter…um, no, wait…similar…cousin-y…whatever the hell they are. FRIENDS! FRIENDS!

OK, I kind of buried the lead, here. But guess what I have for you all today?

HELPER MULE UPDATE! And it is a weird and wild DOOZY of an update (although, brief!)

Talked to Dad the other night. Oh, wait, backtrack, first, we had THIS conversation:

Dad: Listen, I don’t think we can go to the zoo when we go to Florida.
Me: What? Why?
Dad: Because of the black panthers.

Why can't we see the black panthers? I'd like to see the black panthers.

Me: There are black panthers? I didn’t see them on the website. Just caracals. It’s a little zoo.

ZOMG look at this jaunty caracal! He has a total 'tude. I adore him.


Ah. That makes more sense. Still don't know what they're doing at the zoo, though.

Me: Why are the Black Panthers at my zoo?
Dad: Because the zoo’s in the same town where Trayvon Martin was shot.
Me: Oh, crap. I didn’t even realize it was the same town. The Black Panthers are there?
Dad: They might be there.
Me: Oh, so they’re NOT there.
Dad: They said they might be there.
Me: At the zoo? Did they specifically say they’d be at the zoo? With the kookaburras and the caracals?
Dad: I think it’s a bad idea.
Me: I think you just don’t want to go to the zoo. Also, I’m pretty sure that even if the Black Panthers HAPPEN to be at the zoo, we’ll be ok. I don’t think they’re mad at us, specifically.
Dad: Maybe we could go somewhere else instead.
Me: NO. ZOO.
Dad: There’s a NASCAR museum.
Me: Are there caracals and kookaburras in the cars?
Dad: I’d think that’s unlikely.
Me: I’ll take my chances with the Black Panthers.

OK, so after this, which I’m fairly sure was just a vague plot to get him out of having to take me to the zoo, which is the ONE THING I AM SO SO EXCITED ABOUT,  because he does not share my joy in zoos, Dad continued with this, which I can not BELIEVE he did not tell me sooner!

Dad: So I drove past Helper Mule today.
Me: Aw! How’s he doing? I hope you honked at him, to tell him hi.
Dad: No. I did not do that. He has a friend.
Me: What? A friend? What do you mean?
Dad: There were two mule-like animals in the corral.
Dad: I’m not sure. One was a little bigger, so it might have been a horse.
Me: Or a wildebeest?
Dad: Probably not a wildebeest. It didn’t look like a wild cow creature.
Me: Hee, wild cow creature, awesome. Do more research into this situation. You can’t leave me hanging like this. The whole internet is counting on you, you know.
Dad: That’s a lot of pressure.

So I waited like a FULL TWENTY-FOUR HOURS and I was on PINS AND NEEDLES, seriously. What was in the paddock with Helper Mule? What was happening? Did he have a friend? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Then, finally, it was Helper Mule update time. And it was so worth the wait.

Dad: So, I called my buddy up, and asked him what was going on with Helper Mule’s friend.
Me: AND AND AND?!?!?!
Dad: Do you need a time-out? Take a breath.
Me: When this happens on the internet I tell them I’m going to breathe into a bag. Pretend I’m breathing into a bag.
Dad: You tell the internet people that? You shouldn’t tell them that. It’s just more information for them to use to stalk and kill you with.
Me: I don’t think there’s much they could do with that. WHAT’S GOING ON WITH THE MULE, DAD.
Dad:  That is a mare. She is pregnant. And he bought her to be friends with Helper Mule.
Me: A lady-friend? A lady-friend who’s KNOCKED UP? Ooh, this is totally a tangled web, Dad.

She got abandoned by her baby-daddy. But Helper Mule is a total gentleman, so he'll step in and save the day. AND WIN HER HEART.

Dad: I guess.
Me: You don’t seem to be overly excited about this turn of events at all. This is like a MULE SOAP OPERA.
Dad: You have a weird brain that comes up with weird things, you know?
Dad: Don’t even blame me for that brain. I think that’s all your mother’s doing.
Me: Wait, so how’s it going? Is Helper Mule coming out of his shell? Does he love his new friend?
Dad: I don’t know. All I know is, the mule won’t come anywhere near anyone but my buddy’s wife.
Me: Hey! Soon, there will be THREE friends. Helper Mule, his lady-friend, and her bastard child.
Dad: Yeah, it’s quite the little menagerie over there.
Me: You should go and check it out.
Dad: I don’t want to. It’s starting to make me nervous. It’s like a zoo.
Me: I LOVE ZOOS. We’re so going over there this summer.
Dad: Yes. Yes, of course we are.
Me: And by then there will be THREE FRIENDS! Also, I will bring Helper Mule carrots, and Helper Mule whisper him, and it will be the best.
Dad: He’ll bite your hand and steal those carrots.
Me: You underestimate my skills, yo.
Dad: Are you from the street right now?
Me: Yes.
Dad: I’m so proud.

So are we all the most excited about this weird turn of events? Now there is unhelpful Helper Mule, and his lady-friend, who’s pregnant for some reason, and her soon-to-be-born bastard child. I think Helper Mule will fall in love with her, and adopt that child. This is going to be great. Unless her baby-daddy comes back. LOOK OUT HELPER MULE. Baby-daddies can be TROUBLE. Oh, wait, this is going to be on Maury or some such shit, isn’t it? What will I WEAR. I think my best tubetop is at the CLEANERS.

ZOMG how did I miss this episode? THIRTY-FOUR MEN? What?!?!?

I’m hoping Dad’s friend will send photos, because I so want to see Helper Mule’s lady-friend in real life and not just imagine her from pregnant mare photos I found on the interwebs.

OK, so there’s your random crap for the day! Enjoy your Saturday. I hope you’re all out frolicking and whatnot. I’m toiling away answering all the phones. But as soon as that’s done – WHOO! No plans and schemes this weekend, lots of work, but it’s all fun work that I’ll love doing, so it won’t SEEM like work. That’s the best kind of work, right?

Happy day, all, happy day!

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

18 responses to “I’m sorry I had a fight in the middle of your Black Panther party.

  • ProfMomEsq

    I love that you wrote long blog posts! Worth the read! And now I don’t know who I want to know more about: Helper Mule or your dad. Ok. Both.


    • lucysfootball

      Oh, yay! I’m glad, because they’re ALL this long! :)

      Dad is a constant presence here. His conversations are frequent. He’s the funniest. And hopefully there will be more Helper Mule news – I find him fascinating!


  • sj

    HELPER MUUUUUUUUUUUULE! omgosh, this is just the MOST EXCITING news! I hope we get pictures of this knocked up mare. I’m sure the two of them are just the cutest thing.


  • Meg

    At least the helper mule is helping someone. It sounds like he has a way with the ladies!


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    The Kindle app is just great – it’s the single most used app on phone. You made the right choice, Amy. (No one likes a Luddite, after all.)

    And no, I don’t have shiny laptops, iPads or Kindles – only a stationary PC (and that’s currently more than 1,600 miles away).


    • lucysfootball

      Why is it 1,600 miles away? It’s already in Finland?

      I don’t have it on my phone, just my laptop, so it’s not the *most* portable – but it is very awesome already. Look at me, I’m in the FUTURE!


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    P.S. I love that film! Watched it at the cinema when it was released, many years ago. I especially remember the impact of him coming under enemy fire in Vietnam. It was so unexpected, I almost took cover in my seat!


    • lucysfootball

      I watched it in the theaters three times. Once alone, once with one friend, and then again with a different friend. And since have probably watched it at least 10-15 more times. It makes me just sob every single time. The John Lennon part, the “magic legs!” part, the “I named him after his daddy, Forrest,” part – just a perfect movie for me. Love, love, love.


  • lahikmajoe

    ‘…my best tubetop is at the CLEANERS’

    am enjoying this image of you going to the cleaners for your entire tubetop collection. Girl’s gotta keep her stuff clean yo.


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