OK, first, you know where I am right now?
In my living room. IN MY LIVING ROOM.
And what am I doing?
WRITING ON MY LAPTOP ON THE INTERWEBS.
My office sent me on a random errand this afternoon, and I thought, hey, I think there’s a Time Warner office over in that area. So I checked. And there WAS. About five minutes AWAY. So I printed out directions and I ran my errand and went to the office and listen, that guy did NOT want to give me my router. HE DID NOT. Because apparently I was supposed to bring in my old router for swapsies. But I didn’t know that. But I used my most cajoling voice and I PREVAILED.
So I’m pretty sure this is what my life is going to be like from now on:
I’m pretty sure my flying car will be in the mail any day now.
Anyway, so I was thinking, you know what we need more of around these here parts?
Talk of animal sex.
And don’t you even WORRY! I’ve got you COVERED!
Today, I found this article, which is all ABOUT animal sex.
I know, it’s from the Christian Science Monitor, which even though it sounds like some sort of wizard magic publication, seems to be a real thing. Who knew?
Don’t worry, yahoos, I’ll recap it. I know you hate to be clicky.
So we all love pandas, right? They are the cutest. Here, I’ll show you one.
Now, zoos have pandas. And zoos want MORE pandas. So they want pandas to get it ON.
Pandas are not cooperating.
Also, pandas are endangered. There are only about 3,500 pandas in the whole WORLD, Wikipedia tells me. That makes me sad. (But not as sad as Sad Owl? WHICH ANDREAS TOLD ME YESTERDAY WAS A STUFFED ANIMAL. Listen, I knew it looked wonky, but I wanted to believe in the magic of Sad Owl. I was very Fox Mulder about Sad Owl. But Andreas – very nicely, of course, I’ve never known Andreas to do anything NOT nicely – told me it was not real.)
@lucysfootball Sorry, did I ruin it for you? It’s a stuffed toy; you can see the stitches on its beak and talons. Also, it’s pink and furry.
— Andreas Heinakroon (@heinakroon) April 5, 2012
This tweet made me laugh so hard I snorted. Look how nice he’s being! The “it’s pink and furry” part was the best. I keep thinking of poor Andreas sitting in his home just shaking his head over me and laughing a little.
(Also, BFF texted me asking if I knew it was stuffed, and told me he, ALSO, thought it was real at first. So I don’t feel so bad. I’m in good company.)
Whoa, off-topic. OK. Pandas. So we have these endangered adorable pandas. And the zoos want them to have ALL THE SEX. But the pandas! They are NOT COOPERATING! Why is that?
“Panda breeding is a tricky business. Females are in the mood for only one to three days each year.”
ZOMG. OK, so ladies, the next time some guy is all, “YOU ARE NEVER IN THE MOOD,” please, PLEASE bring up the pandas. One to three days a YEAR. A YEAR! Good GRAVY, lady-pandas! That is VERY SELECTIVE! No WONDER pandas are endangered!
And, AND, they tend to breed between March 22 and April 15. WHAT? Not ONLY is it one to three days a year, but it’s RIGHT AT THE END OF TAX SEASON! No one’s in the mood then, pandas. NO ONE. I’m telling you right now, Robert Downey Jr. could come to my house and then call Jason Bateman AND Dr. Spencer Reid to come over and they could all say, “Amy, let’s have all the sex” and I’d say, “I’m so sorry, but my lady parts are very tired right now just like the rest of me and I could not pay you the attention you deserve, maybe come back in mid-May, that’d be awesome, thanks.” TAX SEASON IS NOT SEXY-TIME.
But don’t you worry, pandas. Scientist-types decided, hey, let’s look into MALE pandas, see what the deal is with THEM.
“The researchers found that several months before the female pandas enter estrus, the males are getting ready. It’s probable that sperm production increases for this extended period of time to accommodate the females’ brief and unpredictable window of sexual interest.”
WHOO! So male pandas are sperm-production MACHINES for MONTHS, waiting for their lady-friends to enter their 1-3 day window of sexytime. Also, how many blogs did you read today that had the word “estrus” in them? I bet not lots. Also, “brief and unpredictable window of sexual interest.” This is a perfect phrase for a lot of my past relationships. Only throw in “inexplicable.” That makes it a TRULY perfect phrase.
So there’s the story of the panda. I kind of like the panda more now. That lady panda, she’s a tough cookie! And that poor male panda. All cranking up the sperm production, waiting for the end of tax season.
So then we hear from the Lincoln Park Zoo. The Lincoln Park Zoo is trying to get the animals to mate, too. They are SO SERIOUS ABOUT IT that they are working with a special center. A center JUST FOR ANIMAL BONING. It is called the Population Management Center. This article calls it “an advanced animal match.com” which is totally the funniest mental image I’ve had ALL DAY and what if they blind date and they show up and they were NOT as they purported to be, just like on the real Match.com, and what were SUPPOSED to be two giraffes were really an orangutan and a flamingo? And would they meet for coffee? Would it be at Starbucks? I WANT TO WATCH THAT DATE.
Also, we learn that at the Lincoln Park Zoo, they have an armadillo named Meatball. I don’t know if that’s really the best name for an armadillo. I think all armadillos names should be Leprosy. Ever since I found out about the leprous armadillos I’ve been a little skeeved out, to tell you the truth.
This article is full of unintentional hilarity. For example, this: “It’s still a big mystery to us,” Bernier said. “For armadillos you can pick up and move them [if the match is unsuccessful]. Tigers get aggressive. You need to know the background.”
HEE! OK, so moving nonsexy armadillos (watch out for the leprosy!) = FUNNY. Moving nonsexy tigers =SO FUNNY. They would TOTALLY eat your face.
THEN, THEN, we have THIS. Now, this is VERY exciting.
Florida zoos may soon be allowed to breed herds of animals on state lands.
“What kinds of animals, Amy?” I can hear you asking.
“Zebras, donkeys, cattle/bison, rhinoceroses, camels, hippos, tapirs, goats, pigs, sheep, giraffes, okapis, moose, elk, deer, antelopes, and gazelles.”
ZOMG HOW EXCITING IS THIS.
There are going to be CRAZY WILD ANIMALS running ALL AROUND IN FLORIDA.
Giraffes, you guys! GIRAFFES! Random GIRAFFES!
Now, in sad news, SOME people don’t WANT random giraffes. WHAT? I KNOW.
“But to former Southwest Florida Water Management District director E.W. ‘Sonny’ Vergara, the thinking behind CS/HB 1117 and its Senate companion, SB 1456, can be summed up by two words: ‘truly boneheaded.’
“Laurie MacDonald of Defenders of Wildlife calls the proposal ‘the Jurassic Park bill’ because of what could happen if some of the zoo animals get loose. ‘It’s possible these nonnative wildlife species could cause damage that would be economically and environmentally costly,’ she said.”
ZOMG IT’S JURASSIC PARK! The giraffes are going to eat the scientists and Jeff Goldblum’s going to look so quirky and hot and…and…VELOCIRAPTORS!
Upon further reading of this article, this zoo is shadytown, you guys. Like, remember that guy who let all the animals go, and then killed himself, in Ohio that time? This zoo sounds like it’s run by THAT guy.
Here are some things they’re saying the zoo did:
“Five years ago a zookeeper forgot to lock a tiger’s cage. The tiger escaped and lunged at the zoo’s veterinarian. The zoo’s then-CEO gunned the animal down before it could harm anyone.
“Then it turned out the CEO, Lex Salisbury, had transferred more than 200 of the zoo’s animals to a private wildlife farm he owned in Polk County. A loss of accreditation ensued for the zoo and for Killmar, who had approved some of the transfers. Ultimately both were reinstated after Salisbury’s forced resignation.”
Um. I don’t know if I want Lex Luthor running my wild giraffe Jurassic-Park zoo.
SO! What have we learned about animal sex today, ladies and gentlemen and Ding Dong Joe?
- Pandas are awesome, and picky, and only have sex during tax season
- Don’t name armadillos Meatball, name them Leprosy
- Don’t go into a sexually-frustrated tiger’s cage
- GIRAFFES GIRAFFES EVERYWHERE GIRAFFESSSSS
- Remember to lock your tiger cages or they will eat your zookeeper’s face right off
Hey, it’s Friday! Happy Friday, all my little cool cats and kittens! Enjoy your weekends! I’m thinking I’m going to be PLAYING with my LAPTOP. YAHOO!