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Not now, Panda. Try again in late spring. I SAID NO, PANDA!

OK, first, you know where I am right now?

In my living room. IN MY LIVING ROOM.

And what am I doing?

WRITING ON MY LAPTOP ON THE INTERWEBS.

My office sent me on a random errand this afternoon, and I thought, hey, I think there’s a Time Warner office over in that area. So I checked. And there WAS. About five minutes AWAY. So I  printed out directions and I ran my errand and went to the office and listen, that guy did NOT want to give me my router. HE DID NOT. Because apparently I was supposed to bring in my old router for swapsies. But I didn’t know that. But I used my most cajoling voice and I PREVAILED.

So I’m pretty sure this is what my life is going to be like from now on:

I AM LIVING IN THE FUTURE.

I’m pretty sure my flying car will be in the mail any day now.

Anyway, so I was thinking, you know what we need more of around these here parts?

Talk of animal sex.

And don’t you even WORRY! I’ve got you COVERED!

Today, I found this article, which is all ABOUT animal sex.

I know, it’s from the Christian Science Monitor, which even though it sounds like some sort of wizard magic publication, seems to be a real thing. Who knew?

Don’t worry, yahoos, I’ll recap it. I know you hate to be clicky.

So we all love pandas, right? They are the cutest. Here, I’ll show you one.

Look at the little wee TONGUE! Aw.

Now, zoos have pandas. And zoos want MORE pandas. So they want pandas to get it ON.

Pandas are not cooperating.

Also, pandas are endangered. There are only about 3,500 pandas in the whole WORLD, Wikipedia tells me. That makes me sad. (But not as sad as Sad Owl? WHICH ANDREAS TOLD ME YESTERDAY WAS A STUFFED ANIMAL. Listen, I knew it looked wonky, but I wanted to believe in the magic of Sad Owl. I was very Fox Mulder about Sad Owl. But Andreas – very nicely, of course, I’ve never known Andreas to do anything NOT nicely – told me it was not real.)

This tweet made me laugh so hard I snorted. Look how nice he’s being! The “it’s pink and furry” part was the best. I keep thinking of poor Andreas sitting in his home just shaking his head over me and laughing a little.

(Also, BFF texted me asking if I knew it was stuffed, and told me he, ALSO, thought it was real at first. So I don’t feel so bad. I’m in good company.)

Whoa, off-topic. OK. Pandas. So we have these endangered adorable pandas. And the zoos want them to have ALL THE SEX. But the pandas! They are NOT COOPERATING! Why is that?

“Panda breeding is a tricky business. Females are in the mood for only one to three days each year.”

ZOMG. OK, so ladies, the next time some guy is all, “YOU ARE NEVER IN THE MOOD,” please, PLEASE bring up the pandas. One to three days a YEAR. A YEAR! Good GRAVY, lady-pandas! That is VERY SELECTIVE! No WONDER pandas are endangered!

And, AND, they tend to breed between March 22 and April 15. WHAT? Not ONLY is it one to three days a year, but it’s RIGHT AT THE END OF TAX SEASON! No one’s in the mood then, pandas. NO ONE. I’m telling you right now, Robert Downey Jr. could come to my house and then call Jason Bateman AND Dr. Spencer Reid to come over and they could all say, “Amy, let’s have all the sex” and I’d say, “I’m so sorry, but my lady parts are very tired right now just like the rest of me and I could not pay you the attention you deserve, maybe come back in mid-May, that’d be awesome, thanks.” TAX SEASON IS NOT SEXY-TIME.

But don’t you worry, pandas. Scientist-types decided, hey, let’s look into MALE pandas, see what the deal is with THEM.

“The researchers found that several months before the female pandas enter estrus, the males are getting ready. It’s probable that sperm production increases for this extended period of time to accommodate the females’ brief and unpredictable window of sexual interest.”

WHOO! So male pandas are sperm-production MACHINES for MONTHS, waiting for their lady-friends to enter their 1-3 day window of sexytime. Also, how many blogs did you read today that had the word “estrus” in them? I bet not lots. Also, “brief and unpredictable window of sexual interest.” This is a perfect phrase for a lot of my past relationships. Only throw in “inexplicable.” That makes it a TRULY perfect phrase.

So there’s the story of the panda. I kind of like the panda more now. That lady panda, she’s a tough cookie! And that poor male panda. All cranking up the sperm production, waiting for the end of tax season.

So then we hear from the Lincoln Park Zoo. The Lincoln Park Zoo is trying to get the animals to mate, too. They are SO SERIOUS ABOUT IT that they are working with a special center. A center JUST FOR ANIMAL BONING. It is called the Population Management Center. This article calls it “an advanced animal match.com” which is totally the funniest mental image I’ve had ALL DAY and what if they blind date and they show up and they were NOT as they purported to be, just like on the real Match.com, and what were SUPPOSED to be two giraffes were really an orangutan and a flamingo? And would they meet for coffee? Would it be at Starbucks? I WANT TO WATCH THAT DATE.

Also, we learn that at the Lincoln Park Zoo, they have an armadillo named Meatball. I don’t know if that’s really the best name for an armadillo. I think all armadillos names should be Leprosy. Ever since I found out about the leprous armadillos I’ve been a little skeeved out, to tell you the truth.

This article is full of unintentional hilarity. For example, this: “It’s still a big mystery to us,” Bernier said. “For armadillos you can pick up and move them [if the match is unsuccessful]. Tigers get aggressive. You need to know the background.”

HEE! OK, so moving nonsexy armadillos (watch out for the leprosy!) = FUNNY. Moving nonsexy tigers =SO FUNNY. They would TOTALLY eat your face.

STOP TOUCHING ME WHEN I AM NOT IN THE MOOD.

THEN, THEN, we have THIS. Now, this is VERY exciting.

Florida zoos may soon be allowed to breed herds of animals on state lands.

“What kinds of animals, Amy?” I can hear you asking.

Ready?

“Zebras, donkeys, cattle/bison, rhinoceroses, camels, hippos, tapirs, goats, pigs, sheep, giraffes, okapis, moose, elk, deer, antelopes, and gazelles.”

ZOMG HOW EXCITING IS THIS.

There are going to be CRAZY WILD ANIMALS running ALL AROUND IN FLORIDA.

Giraffes, you guys! GIRAFFES! Random GIRAFFES!

"Hi, Martha, I'm just a little lost on my way to Disney and HOLY SHIT ARE THOSE GIRAFFES?!?!?"

Now, in sad news, SOME people don’t WANT random giraffes. WHAT? I KNOW.

“But to former Southwest Florida Water Management District director E.W. ‘Sonny’ Vergara, the thinking behind CS/HB 1117 and its Senate companion, SB 1456, can be summed up by two words: ‘truly boneheaded.’

“Laurie MacDonald of Defenders of Wildlife calls the proposal ‘the Jurassic Park bill’ because of what could happen if some of the zoo animals get loose. ‘It’s possible these nonnative wildlife species could cause damage that would be economically and environmentally costly,’ she said.”

ZOMG IT’S JURASSIC PARK! The giraffes are going to eat the scientists and Jeff Goldblum’s going to look so quirky and hot and…and…VELOCIRAPTORS!

Upon further reading of this article, this zoo is shadytown, you guys. Like, remember that guy who let all the animals go, and then killed himself, in Ohio that time? This zoo sounds like it’s run by THAT guy.

Here are some things they’re saying the zoo did:

“Five years ago a zookeeper forgot to lock a tiger’s cage. The tiger escaped and lunged at the zoo’s veterinarian. The zoo’s then-CEO gunned the animal down before it could harm anyone.

“Then it turned out the CEO, Lex Salisbury, had transferred more than 200 of the zoo’s animals to a private wildlife farm he owned in Polk County. A loss of accreditation ensued for the zoo and for Killmar, who had approved some of the transfers. Ultimately both were reinstated after Salisbury’s forced resignation.”

Um. I don’t know if I want Lex Luthor running my wild giraffe Jurassic-Park zoo.

SO! What have we learned about animal sex today, ladies and gentlemen and Ding Dong Joe?

  • Pandas are awesome, and picky, and only have sex during tax season
  • Don’t name armadillos Meatball, name them Leprosy
  • Don’t go into a sexually-frustrated tiger’s cage
  • GIRAFFES GIRAFFES EVERYWHERE GIRAFFESSSSS
  • Remember to lock your tiger cages or they will eat your zookeeper’s face right off

Hey, it’s Friday! Happy Friday, all my little cool cats and kittens! Enjoy your weekends! I’m thinking I’m going to be PLAYING with my LAPTOP. YAHOO!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

47 responses to “Not now, Panda. Try again in late spring. I SAID NO, PANDA!

  • elaine4queen

    do we think suzanne collins is maybe a panda?

    katniss was very against the having children. maybe they want to be freeeeeeeee

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Did you read all three books? We should discuss. I lurve them. Haven’t seen the movie yet. Soon, I hope.

      Hee! Yep, that’s probably it. Pandas don’t want to be tied down! No housewife pandas!

      Like

      • elaine4queen

        i wish i had taken notes, now! i thought i was just reading books, but the further i got into them the more associations came up. and then all the stuff about race broke, and that sideblinded me.
        i have to go with my first instincts first, i think. the first book, for me, was very about reproductive issues.
        i loved the simplicity of the writing, i can see that this is because it is a YA book, but it really worked for me.
        dammit! i have to get blogging! of course, today i am all migraine, and ten’s mum is arriving any time now, so i can’t do it as quickly as i would like. i’d love to talk about it with you, though. like you, i have read all three, but will have to wait to see the film.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I think you got a lot more out of them than I did! I loved them, but I think I missed deep issues! Sometimes I turn my brain off when I read. It’s a failing I have, especially with YA lit.

          Have you read either of Kristin Cashore’s books? They’re even better than The Hunger Games series, I think. Graceling and Fire are out now, and Bitterblue is due out soon. I think you might love them.

          And of course Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy. You’ve read that, right? Best YA trilogy in the history of ever. LOVE. The movie was terrible, though.

          Hope you feel better, especially with visitors coming!

          Like

          • elaine4queen

            ooh!

            looking her up now!

            ten has taken his mum and poppet out for a walk and insisted i take to my quilts – so i am finally writing about the damn hunger games!

            Like

            • lucysfootball

              Just finished it – it was great!

              Oh, I hope you love Cashore. And Pullman, if you haven’t read him. I think you’d love them both so much! Cashore’s books deal a lot with gender roles, and Pullman’s with religion – but also, they don’t skimp on a good story, which is the most important part of a book for me. I like a message, and a theme, but if it comes to the detriment of the story, sorry, Charlie, I’m out of here.

              Like

              • elaine4queen

                i read and listened to the pullman trilogy at least twice. i loved them.

                i am not a massive fan of ‘message’ themes, as they are often too klunky. but i am surprised when people say pullman overdid it, i thought it was well handled. but then, the books were banned by various churches, so maybe it just offended those readers.

                Like

                • lucysfootball

                  He killed God. Churches didn’t like that part, I assume. Also, the underage sexytime probably wasn’t their favorite.

                  I love that you’ve read the Pullman books. He recently released a short story about Lyra that I loved. Nothing major, didn’t add much, but just a few minutes back with her made me so happy. She’s one of my favorite heroines of all time.

                  Like

                  • elaine4queen

                    i’m in the middle of watching a uk tv offering called ‘misfits’. it’s about a group of teenagers who get superpowers. there is a LOT of sex. it will NEVER make it to the USA. plus all the black characters get storylines. that evidently wouldn’t play well. ooh! you can get it on hulu! http://youtu.be/ud8AJDaAW7c

                    Like

  • borkadventures

    This does make me like pandas more…but as a rule, they are my absolute least favorite animal in the world. Hugely overrated in my book…you gotta whisper when you view them from afar, and they’re all slothy…in fact that’s not fair to sloths…I would rather check out a sloth than a panda. Pandas are like the pageant children of the world…”oh look! They’re so cute and so special!” Give me a Pygmy Marmoset any day! They’re like miniature bigfoots! Google them- they’re amazing! But, they just get stuck in some little glass enclosure in the kiddy section of the zoo…no love for them!

    Pandas always make me rant!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      What? Pandas are jerky? I had no idea! Why do you have to whisper? What happens? Will they get angry?

      I think I remember someone telling me they’re not as cute as they look, once. I don’t remember who, though…

      Like

  • sj

    I have GOT to talk to Meg about us doing an animal match.com post. With pictures of surprised blind daters. Yessssssssss, that will be just full of win. FULL. OF. WIN.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    This post is just.. Awesome. All the animals! And all the sex!

    Giraffes are just the coolest; I so hope they’ll escape and start appearing along all the roads. When I was in Masai Mara I saw some giraffes run alongside the car. It was majestic and unreal – they looked like they were running in slow motion.

    By the way, I’m sure you’re aware there are more tigers in private ownership in the US than are left in the wild in the whole world? It makes me a little sad.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      YAY! Whenever I write a sciency post, I think, WILL ANDREAS LIKE THIS? I’m so glad you did!

      I love giraffes so much. When I was young, we went to an animal park where animals could put their heads in your car. (I know, it sounds weird. It kind of was.) A giraffe let us feed him, and I got to see his blue tongue up close! He was the BEST.

      Ugh, REALLY? Why do so many Americans have tigers? Don’t they know they’ll eat your face and belong in the wild, or, if that’s not possible, in a zoo? People are ridiculous. You aren’t supposed to have wild animals as pets. I did a post about that once. WILD ANIMALS ARE NOT PETS.

      Like

  • 35jupiterdrive

    You have just created in me the desire to do a post about animal match.com. Must do. Must.

    LOL

    Like

  • blogginglily

    This post gave me all the laughter! ZOMG

    Many Lols were had by this little black duck.

    Like

  • becomingcliche

    Okay, are you ready for me to blow your mind? Pandas in captivity are not having a high rate of successful reproduction. Part of the problem is that many were raised in captivity and have never seen adult pandas as they were growing up. They have some instincts, yes, but they have no idea how to get the deed done. Some zoos have taken to showing the males videos of pandas mating in order to teach them what to do. I will allow you five minutes to process the magnitude of panda pron. And then I’ll tell you that it seems to be WORKING!

    The Species Survival Plan is another way zoos manage the breeding of their captive populations. There are computer programs that show a coefficient of relationship of one individual to another. That way they can recommend breeding of animals that are not related to one another.

    Like

    • lahikmajoe

      Heh heh…panda pr0n.

      ‘This is how we do it little panda friends.’

      Like

      • lucysfootball

        I just think it would confuse the pandas. Also, I wonder if there’s an attempt at plot? I wonder if there are panda pizza delivery men, and panda ladies waiting for them wearing panda-nighties. That would be kind of awesome, actually.

        Like

    • lucysfootball

      PANDA POOORRRNNN!

      Best thing I have learned all day. I’m imagining the boom-chicka-wow-wow music and EVERYTHING. In my mind, panda porn is quite awesome.

      Although I imagine it just confused the poor pandas to no end. “Why…why are we watching…what is…EW EW EW MAKE IT STOP!”

      Like

  • anirrationalratio

    You know all Giant Pandas are owned by China? And all the babies they have too. It’s in their contracts with the zoos. All Giant Pandas are rentals!

    I don’t know about Red Pandas. Maybe they’re all owned by Mozilla :P

    Oh, and I learned the other day that something like 90% of people are immune to leprosy. Which is good to know. Especially if you have to move amorous armadillos to more willing mates.

    I’d LOVE for giraffes to get loose and then for them to become a pest species, eating all the hedges and trees everywhere. You’d find your bins knocked over by giraffes in the morning, stuff like that.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      China owns all the pandas? That seems kind of rude. SHARE THE PANDAS CHINA!

      I hope I’m one of the 90%. I’d hate to be leprous. It would really put a crimp in my plans.

      I KNOW. I would be SO EXCITED to go outside and see a giraffe in the yard. I would feed it some carrots and we would be the best of friends.

      Like

  • lahikmajoe

    The Christian Science Monitor is actually a very good paper.

    I tend to avoid the religion stuff there, but the news coverage is consistently balanced and thoroughly researched.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I don’t know that I’d ever heard of them before now. It’s just an odd name for a publication that isn’t solely about religious topics, or something. It strikes me as odd.

      Like

  • MsDarkstar the Creatrix

    I’m totally willing to suit up and move armadillos, leprosy be damned. Cripes, half the reason I moved to Texas in the first place was to have an armadillo ranch. Since I found out they are prone to leprosy, though, I kindve want to have an armadillo-filled moat around my house (no, there would not be WATER in the moat, just a sea of armadillos!) You wanna deliver that religious pamphlet to my door? Wade through the moat o’ armadillos! Ha!!

    I’ve actually known about panda pron for years now. But, think about it, how willing to get it on would you be if you knew that there were people WATCHING and trying to analyze whether you were gonna get preggers from the mating? Also, I sortve think I am a lady panda…. I, too, have a “brief and unpredictable window of sexual interest…” and it’s usually confined to times when there is no one else around because all of the things that lead up to sexytimes? The whole “finding someone you are interested in” thing and the “dating” thing and the “shaving your legs” thing and the LADYSCAPING thing and having to worry about getting knocked up (because I am DONE with the whole reproduction part of life and sincerely wish that my uterus would get with the program and decide to be DONE already!) and then there is the plethora of associated diseases you could contract. FFS, I don’t have TIME for that. Plus, I am sadly at a point where the only guys I really find attractive these days would put me FIRMLY in the “cougar” category and I don’t have the looks or money to pull off THAT gig.

    I think it’s safe to say that I would not know a sexually frustrated tiger from a non-sexually frustrated tiger and so I will just avoid being anywhere near tiger cages AT ALL. Plus, tigers in cages just make me sad. Not that I want them to be wandering the city streets or anything, just, I hate to see them pacing and licking their chops whilst staring at zoo visitors. Although there have been times when throwing that one screaming brat into the tiger cage just to have some peace and quiet during my zoo visit MAY have crossed my mind, I generally think that children are unfit for consumption by tigers and would feel bad if consuming said child made the tiger ill.

    So, perhaps my priorities are a bit, um, societally frowned upon. Also, I just figured out that I’m nowhere near as cute as a lady panda. Which may be another part of my (myriad) problem(s).

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Tigers in cages are sad. I love to see them, but it never leaves me with a happy feeling afterward.

      Like

      • MsDarkstar the Creatrix

        Oh! I will tell you that one time at the zoo where they pretend that an acre or so of land is a “natural habitat” for tigers, I saw one of the tigers pouncing around in the stream that they had running through the “habitat”. After a few minutes, it pulled out a turtle, ripped that sucker open and ate the turtle…

        I overheard a small child asking his mom what had just happened and she explained the whole “circle of life” thing and someone else wondered aloud what sort of turtle would have been in the tiger enclosure and because of the way my brain is wired I automatically piped up “well, it was obviously a SNACKING TURTLE”. I am not certain if the looks I received were those of disbelief, awe or fear. I am guessing a bit of all of the above.

        Like

  • lahikmajoe

    Zoos are animal prisons and you only have to look at the large cats for that to be blatantly clear.

    I know they do important things and that zoologists are, as a rule, devoted animal lovers. Nevertheless, that doesn’t make zoos less oppressive.

    Like

  • Heather

    Giraffes are my favorite of the non-domesticated of the animal kingdom. If I were driving down the road and had to stop for a giraffe-crossing, I would be SO EXCITED.

    Like

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