Everything’s shiny, Cap’n. Not to fret.

OK, I am officially writing this from my new laptop.

Ooh! Aah! New laptop!


Here’s a list of pros and cons I have discovered in the past hour of working with the new laptop:


  • WHOA it is fast compared to that piece of shit I’ve been working with! I can have MORE THAN ONE WINDOW OPEN AT A TIME. I know! It makes things a lot easier, being able to have more than one browser tab open at once.
  • It’s portable. (Well, it will be next week. More on that later.)
  • I feel more writery owning one.
  • It’s NEW. New things are happy.


  • The keys are smaller than I’m used to and not all of the things are in the same place so I keep typoing.
  • I can’t figure out how to use the mousepad. Seriously, if someone can explain to me how to cut and paste text from a webpage using a mousepad on a laptop, that’d be great. I’m pretty sure it’s something simple I’ve overlooked, like the time I got my cellphone and couldn’t figure out why it wouldn’t turn on and it was because it was locked and I didn’t realize you had to drag the unlock bar over and the instructions didn’t even mention that because it was assumed any yahoo understood that and then I felt idiotic. (UPDATE UPDATE OH SNAP I TOTALLY SOOOLLLVED IT YO! I feel like an ASTRONAUT.)
  • I keep turning on the capslock by accident. Luckily, I’m Amy, so probably no one will notice.
  • I can’t leave my bedroom because it has to be hooked up to the internet cable because TIME WARNER CABLE ARE A BUNCH OF ASSHATS
  • I accidentally click on things I shouldn’t because I’m confused by this mousepad situation.

I’ll learn. I’m a learner. It’s my first night with it, cut me some slack, Jack.

OK, so here’s the Time Warner Cable sitch. Hee! Sitch. I’m all street right now.

I called Time Warner on Friday. I blogged about that. I said, hey, Time Warner! I’m getting a new laptop Sunday. Can you hook a gal up with the wireless? And they were all, no problem, drive on down to our store, get a router. And I was all, can’t! Can’t get out of work in time to make your business hours! And they, again, were all, no problem! We’ll UPS you one now. It’s on the way, you’ll have it by Tuesday.

So I’ve been sitting here with my shiny laptop for DAYS, just gathering dust. WAITING AND WAITING.

Yesterday! Ran home! NO ROUTER. I was sad panda. NO! WORSE! I was SAD OWL. Did you see Sad Owl yet?

Sad owl is so sad it makes your heart hurt, seriously.

But I was sure today I’d have it. I mean, they promised! Right? RIGHT?

Got home, NO ROUTER.

Listen, for all of my ranting and raving, I’m usually pretty rational. BUT I WANT TO PLAY WITH MY NEW LAPTOP DAMMIT. I scrimped and saved for this puppy. You don’t even know the hardship that old computer was causing. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. A regular post should take probably 2 hours? They were taking at least 4, because it froze up. Constantly. I NEEDED MY LAPTOP.

So I IMMEDIATELY stomped up the stairs, told Dumbcat “no time for love, Dr. Jones” when he wanted to cuddle, and called Time Warner.

What happened next was such a clusterfuck of dumbassery I can’t even describe. SUCH A CLUSTERFUCK I AM USING THE WORD FUCK. But I’ll try. For you, I will.

First, you have  to deal with the voice recognition part of the fun.








Wireless service.


Wireless service.





So first we got Patrick. Yes, this is his real name. I remember it because he made me mad. He was the first of THREE people to make me mad.

Patrick: Thank you for calling Time Warner Cable! This is Patrick, before we get started, just let me verify some information!
Me: OK.
Patrick: What is your name? Last four digits of your social? Address? Phone number? Blood type? Organ donor, yes/no? Can you digest lactose?
(I might have made up some of those.)
Me: (spouts off information in a very pissy tone)
Patrick: GREAT! And how can I HELP you today, Amy?
Me: I was told my router was mailed on Friday for delivery Tuesday. It’s Wednesday. No router. Where’s my router?
Patrick: Before we get to that, we have a great deal on a package we call the Roadrunner Real-Good-Times Package, and…
Patrick: Let me just pull up your account here. Beep beep beep boop! This work order is closed. You have your router.
Me: I can assure you I do not.
Patrick: But the work order is closed.
Me: Well, that’s great. Open that sucker up again, because I don’t have the router.
Patrick: I’m going to have to transfer you to technical support if you’re having trouble with your router.
Patrick: Hold for technical support, please!

Then proceeded two minutes of the LOUDEST HOLD MUSIC you have EVER HEARD IN YOUR LIFE. I put the phone on the arm of the couch and I could STILL hear it.

Then Patrick hung up on me.

So I called back. Listen, I’m the little girl with the little curl right in the middle of her forehead, ok? When I’m good I’m VERY VERY GOOD. But when I’m mad I’m so pissed one look from me could peel paint from the walls. That’s how that rhyme goes, right?

This time I YELLED at the automated system. That didn’t make it understand me any better, but it eventually got me to Deepa in technical support. This is not her real name. I don’t remember her real name. She was Indian, and I knew a lovely woman named Deepa who was Indian once. There you go.

Deepa: Time Warner technical support, this is Deepa, how can I help you?
Me: I ordered a router on Friday, it was supposed to be delivered on Tuesday. It is Wednesday. It is not here. I was told to hold for technical support, but then Patrick put on some really loud hold music and hung up on me.
Deepa: I can see how that would be frustrating. Please verify a metric shit-ton of personal information for me?
Me: UGH FINE. (I do so. AGAIN.)
Deepa: Great. How can I help you today?
Me: Just told you.
Deepa: Yes.
Me: Router. Please check my file. Patrick in customer support said I have it. I obviously don’t, or why would I be bothering you?
Deepa: Just a moment please. Beep beep beep boop! Oh. Oh, dear.
Me: What.
Deepa: You’re going to have to speak to customer service. You don’t have a router. We can’t help you here in technical support.
Me: I KNOW THAT I TOLD PATRICK THAT. Are you transferring me back to Patrick? I think he hates me.
Deepa: Please hold.


Mike: Time Warner Cable, this is Mike, how can I help you?
Me: Mike, did Deepa fill you in on this situation?
Mike: If I could just get some personal information…
Me: OH FOR THE LOVE OF PETE. (Gives it to him)
Mike: Great. How can we help you today?
Me: OK. Here’s the story. I ordered a router on Friday. I was told it would arrive on Tuesday. It’s Wednesday. No router. Patrick in Customer Service said I have it. I don’t. I need the router. What’s happening with this.
Mike: Please hold. I’ll look into this.
Me: NO. OK, no, I call bullshit on this whole thing. Don’t you even DARE put me on hold. Look it up right now. I will wait. I will breathe in your EAR. Look it UP.
Mike: (now using the “this is a crazy person proceed with care” voice that I hate) O…kay…

Mike proceeds, for ten minutes, to type. I don’t know if he was really looking things up or playing Minesweeper or searching for kangaroo porn or writing notes to his coworkers about what a crotch I was being. I DON’T CARE.

Mike: OK, what seems to have happened here, is that it was never mailed.
Mike: I don’t know why. But you ordered it, and the order was placed, but then the ticket was marked closed.
Me: So Time Warner made a mistake.
Mike: We can’t say that’s what happened.
Me: As far as I can tell, two parties were involved: me, and Time Warner. I called Friday to place an order for a router and was assured it went out in the mail the same day. Did I make a mistake?
Mike: No, ma’am.
Me: Then, as a mistake WAS made, and I didn’t make one, I think we CAN say, Mike, that Time Warner made it.
Mike: No. I can’t say that.
Me: OK. Well, that seems suspect. So, how are you going to fix it?
Mike: You can run to the office tomorrow and get a router.
Me: Wouldn’t that be nice? Wouldn’t that fix all that ails us? See, Mike, I would have done that last week, but I work at a tax firm. We don’t get lunches anymore. And my hours are longer than you’re open or closed in that office. So that doesn’t work for me.
Mike: I can UPS you a router. You’d get it next Tuesday.
Me: So, a week from when you promised it last time. How would I know you mailed it?
Mike: I’d UPS it. I could email you a tracking number?
Me: I don’t want a week-late pity-router. What I want is for one of your techs to bring me a router. Right now.
Mike: We’re not a delivery service, ma’am.
Me: Well, it’s a good thing I didn’t ask for a pizza. I know you have night techs out, because I’ve had to use them before. I’m sure one of them has a router and instructions on how to install it in their truck, and I’m sure one of them is in my area. Have them swing by and drop it off. It’ll take five minutes.
Mike: There’s a $49 service charge for a home installation.
Me: I didn’t ask for an installation. I asked someone to bring me a router. And you’ll be waiving any fees related to this situation, as the mistake wasn’t made by me.
Mike: There are no openings for techs until Friday.
Me: You’re telling me no techs could swing by my place and drop off a router. That’s not possible.
Mike: No, ma’am.
Me: I’d like your manager, please.
Mike: Um. Just a minute, ma’am.

(Puts the phone down, types furiously)

Mike: Ma’am, as a one-time and one-time only courtesy, because a mistake was made but I don’t know if we’ll ever know by whom, I can send a tech out to your home. But it won’t be until Friday.
Me: And it will be free. Right, Mike?
Mike: One time. One time only.
Me: Not the best solution, but it will have to do.
Mike: The tech will be there between noon and three on Friday.
Me: Did you want to come into my office for training tomorrow? What time will you be there?
Mike: I’m sorry, ma’am?
Me: I can only assume you, personally, will be covering my job for me while I sit at home waiting for the cable guy?
Mike: That’s the only time the tech can come.
Me: I explained why I couldn’t get the router. For the same reason, I can’t sit in my apartment on a workday waiting for cable installation. If I could, I’d PICK UP THE ROUTER FROM YOUR OFFICE.
Mike: We can also do Saturday morning.
Me: I work Saturdays, too.
Mike: What?
Me: I’m a poor person, Mike, it’s what we do. You can’t possibly tell me you have no evening hours.
Mike: No, I’m sorry, we don’t. We can do Sunday.
Me: Sunday it is.

So: in conclusion. Router was SUSPICIOUSLY NOT MAILED on Friday as promised; no one at Time Warner Cable knows what’s up or will admit any wrongdoing; being firm with them (which I really hate doing, I’m usually a total pushover about things like this because I work the phones and I know how hard it is) had very little effect other than the cable guy is actually going to install the router on Sunday and odds were good I would have screwed that up, so I’m pleased with that.

But otherwise: TIME WARNER CABLE IS LE SUCK. Also, their customer service? Not so grand.

I feel like "the power of you" is not a very good slogan. More like, "the power of us, doing whatever we like to you, as we're the only game in town and we know it."

They kind of have our area in a stranglehold, though. There’s Verizon, but I hear bad things. And Dish Network, but my dad has a dish and it seems to go out a lot. Time Warner really is the best option, and I’m a media hooooor so I need my tv and phone and interwebs.

Doesn’t mean I have to LIKE it, though. Jerks.

(Before you get all “AMY YOU WERE SUCH A DOUCHE TO THE CUSTOMER SERVICE REPS!!!” I think it is important to tell you a bit of the above might have been exaggerated for comedic effect. I won’t tell you which bits. You can decide which ones for yourself, it’ll be like a little puzzle.)


Also, wait til I figure out this webcam thingamabobber, this is going to be GREAT.

Happy Thursday, my little creme brulees!

(PS. This is TOTALLY my THREE HUNDREDTH POST. I know, right? Who would’ve thunk it? THREE HUNDRED, BABY! Thanks for sticking with me, let’s do three hundred more, what do you say?)

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

26 responses to “Everything’s shiny, Cap’n. Not to fret.

  • Brenna

    THIS Sunday. As in, Easter Sunday? I kind of can’t believe they’d get someone out to you on Easter.

    Good luck!


  • sj

    Yeah, I was thinking the same thing as Brenna up there. They’re going to have someone come out on Easter Sunday? Ummmm…

    We had a similar situation with our internet service here when we moved in last summer. We’d have internet for an hour, then it would go down for FIVE HOURS. Then it would come back up. We were frequently hung up on, transferred to the wrong department, I had to TURN THE ROUTER OFF AND BACK ON AGAIN eleventy billion times.

    “what? Yeah, I did that already. No. No, I’m not doing it again. Look, I’ve called you guys 75 times already, wtf is up with this? You’ve sent us 12 routers, OBVIOUSLY THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE SOLVED BY POWERCYCLING!!!”

    Eventually, it was fixed. But I still have a bitter taste in my mouth.

    After almost a year. Ugh.


    • lucysfootball

      I cancelled the service call! I got the router! It’s WORKING!!!!

      We had a similar problem at my old apartment – the internet didn’t work right for MONTHS. It took four service calls. We were so frustrated.

      So far – THIS IS AWESOME!!!


      • sj

        YAY! I’m so glad things are finally going right for you this week!

        I, on the other hand, am counting the hours until this unwanted houseguest, his girlfriend AND THEIR DOG leave. I will be drinking much wine tonight to get through it.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    This sounds very frustrating. But you can still use it wired, can’t you? So you’re not deprived of internet access? (By the way, did you know that it’s deemed a human right to have access to broadband in Finland? It’s true.)

    Re sad owl: My colleague has warned me that I’m not allowed to point out it’s not a real owl. So I won’t.


    • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

      Sad owl isn’t real??!? That makes me….sad.


    • lucysfootball

      It is WORKING! I went to the office today and got a router and after only one panicked call to Time Warner it is WORKING! WHOO-HOO!

      Yet another reason to love Finland: broadband as a human right.

      Funny story: BFF texted me at the end of the day, “You know Sad Owl is fake, right?” and I told him that you’d told me about it, but I’d thought it was real, originally. He said, “It’s ok. I did, too!” That’s why we’re BFFs. We both temporarily believed in the magic of Sad Owl, but are both non-self-involved enough to laugh at ourselves about it.


  • Jessica @ Shhh Mommy's Blogging

    Sad owl is definitely the saddest and I love him. Sorry to hear Time Warner is run by monkeys, maybe you should move in with Andreas where internet is a human right. Seems so much more civilized (plus the hold music in Finland is probably at a much more reasonable level).


  • anirrationalratio

    Yay Kaylee title!

    You know what sucks about customer service? It’s all about getting the call to end ASAP. Sure, it makes sense not to waste time, but if Patrick had taken his time the issue could have been solved with only one call. (Ignoring that it should have been solved the since the call last week.)

    What’s happening with the webcam? Will you be doing…idk, ustream things? (think of the bloggess’ bathroom concert, not cam-girls)

    I used to work for a company with the slogan “Integrity in everything we do”, they changed it when it came out they were stealing technology from one of their suppliers. Slogans are bullshit.

    Enjoy the laptop! Good luck getting the router! (Can’t you just get one from an electronics store? Or is the TW one free? Well, it is now, I suppose.)


    • lucysfootball

      I don’t know what I’ll do with my webcam yet. Just having one is so exciting. Probably something awesome. NOT ICKY.

      The TW one was free, and it WORKED! I picked one up today. I’m using it NOW!!!


  • jbrown3079

    300 posts!!!!!! Wow!!!!In honor of that I am using all exclamation points instead of periods!!!!!!! I can’t wait for the next three hundred!!!!!!!!


  • lahikmajoe

    You’ve captured the Customer Service experience beautifully. I couldn’t begin to deduce which parts you embellished. All of it seems so plausible.

    Possibly because I know what’s it’s like to be dealing with customers on the phone, I’m more sensitive to this. A bit like people who used to work in the service industry are both more permissive and critical when it comes to being served.

    I wish I could find Mike’s blog or twitter feed, where he complains about this horrible customer he had…

    But that’s the problem…you weren’t a horrible customer. You were not only right about the company’s mistake, but about how rotten it was to get them to admit they were in the wrong.

    Worse, none of that would’ve mattered if you simply had the stupid router.


    So glad between when this was written and when we’re reading it that the whole ridiculous story was resolved.

    And you’re wireless. As it was meant to be.


    • lucysfootball

      I might have gotten a little loud and/or hectoring with the last guy. But in my defense I felt really bad when I was doing it. I work the phones every week. I know how hard it is to have someone angry on the line. But in my job, I’m just an answering service, so they’re yelling at the wrong person; he was the right person, and was just being unreasonable.

      YES. I am wireless. No wires! It’s possibly the best thing to happen to me yet this year. Or at least one of them. It’s been a really good year so far.


  • MsDarkstar the Creatrix

    Ok, let me tell you about Time Freakin’ Warner Cable.

    FIVE weeks before I moved to Texas, I had an address. I had an apartment number. I did a metric fuckton of research online. I HATE AT&T with a burning passion so…. I called Time Warner to set up service where I was moving to. No problem, they said, they could have a technician out on the day I was moving in. I got a confirmation number. I was all set.

    Five weeks later, I move into my new apartment. No promised call from a technician by about 3PM, so I call up Time Warner. I give them my name. I give them my address. I give them my confirmation number. NONE of that information was in their system. No record that I ever called. So, they transfer me to the installation people. I explain that I called five weeks ago, I need internet service PRONTO and here’s my address, when today will the tech be here. You know what they tell me? MY ADDRESS, THE ADDRESS IN WHICH I WAS SITTING, DOES NOT EXIST. Oh yes, she can find my name and that I called FIVE WEEKS AGO in their system but since the address DOESN’T EXIST they didn’t schedule a technician. I ask why they didn’t call me to let me know that the address I gave doesn’t exist (EVEN THOUGH I AM CALLING THEM FROM THAT VERY ADDRESS). Some BS about it not being their responsibility. I tell them the name of the apt. complex and THAT allows them to pull up in the system the fact that my address exists as a street name that my street has not been for more than 5 years. Whatever. Come hook me up. I have a modem. I have a router, just flick the damn switch and get me online. Nope. Gotta have a tech come out. FINE. Now, I was told that the service would cost $X per month with no installation fee since I have my own equipment. Nope. Price they can give me is twice as expensive and installation is $120. AND…. AND… they can get a tech out in, hold on, are you ready for this? TWO AND A HALF WEEKS!! This is not a remote hut in Siberia, people, this is a MAJOR US CITY and you cannot get me a technician for TWO AND A HALF WEEKS? Plus you’re going to charge me twice the price I was quoted AND charge me $120 for installation? I say “screw that, I’ll call AT&T”…and then… the reps attitude COMPLETELY changed and SUDDENLY it’s EIGHT DAYS and no charge for installation and the original price plus $5 but for 6 months it will be the price I was originally quoted. I talked them down to 6 days when I mentioned that because I’d just moved and wasn’t working I’d be completely open to an appointment at 4AM or 7PM and would sit around my apartment WAITING for THEIR convenience to come out.

    The tech did come out six days later, looked at my equipment and said “hmm, there was really no reason I needed to come out”… he plugged the modem in, called the office and gave them the secret squirrel code and *voila* there was internet. I may have wept.

    After hanging up with Time Warner, I DID call AT& T only to be told that they “didn’t have the contract” for my apartment complex, so I can’t get service from them anyhow. So much for “the free market”…

    Also, again, sorry for writing a novella length comment…


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