OK, I am officially writing this from my new laptop.
WHY DIDN’T YOU ALL TELL ME THAT IT WOULD TAKE ME A BAJILLION YEARS TO GET USED TO THE NEW LAPTOP.
Here’s a list of pros and cons I have discovered in the past hour of working with the new laptop:
- WHOA it is fast compared to that piece of shit I’ve been working with! I can have MORE THAN ONE WINDOW OPEN AT A TIME. I know! It makes things a lot easier, being able to have more than one browser tab open at once.
- It’s portable. (Well, it will be next week. More on that later.)
- I feel more writery owning one.
- It’s NEW. New things are happy.
- The keys are smaller than I’m used to and not all of the things are in the same place so I keep typoing.
- I can’t figure out how to use the mousepad. Seriously, if someone can explain to me how to cut and paste text from a webpage using a mousepad on a laptop, that’d be great. I’m pretty sure it’s something simple I’ve overlooked, like the time I got my cellphone and couldn’t figure out why it wouldn’t turn on and it was because it was locked and I didn’t realize you had to drag the unlock bar over and the instructions didn’t even mention that because it was assumed any yahoo understood that and then I felt idiotic. (UPDATE UPDATE OH SNAP I TOTALLY SOOOLLLVED IT YO! I feel like an ASTRONAUT.)
- I keep turning on the capslock by accident. Luckily, I’m Amy, so probably no one will notice.
- I can’t leave my bedroom because it has to be hooked up to the internet cable because TIME WARNER CABLE ARE A BUNCH OF ASSHATS
- I accidentally click on things I shouldn’t because I’m confused by this mousepad situation.
I’ll learn. I’m a learner. It’s my first night with it, cut me some slack, Jack.
OK, so here’s the Time Warner Cable sitch. Hee! Sitch. I’m all street right now.
I called Time Warner on Friday. I blogged about that. I said, hey, Time Warner! I’m getting a new laptop Sunday. Can you hook a gal up with the wireless? And they were all, no problem, drive on down to our store, get a router. And I was all, can’t! Can’t get out of work in time to make your business hours! And they, again, were all, no problem! We’ll UPS you one now. It’s on the way, you’ll have it by Tuesday.
So I’ve been sitting here with my shiny laptop for DAYS, just gathering dust. WAITING AND WAITING.
Yesterday! Ran home! NO ROUTER. I was sad panda. NO! WORSE! I was SAD OWL. Did you see Sad Owl yet?
But I was sure today I’d have it. I mean, they promised! Right? RIGHT?
Got home, NO ROUTER.
Listen, for all of my ranting and raving, I’m usually pretty rational. BUT I WANT TO PLAY WITH MY NEW LAPTOP DAMMIT. I scrimped and saved for this puppy. You don’t even know the hardship that old computer was causing. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. A regular post should take probably 2 hours? They were taking at least 4, because it froze up. Constantly. I NEEDED MY LAPTOP.
So I IMMEDIATELY stomped up the stairs, told Dumbcat “no time for love, Dr. Jones” when he wanted to cuddle, and called Time Warner.
What happened next was such a clusterfuck of dumbassery I can’t even describe. SUCH A CLUSTERFUCK I AM USING THE WORD FUCK. But I’ll try. For you, I will.
First, you have to deal with the voice recognition part of the fun.
THANK YOU FOR CALLING TIME WARNER CABLE. YOU ARE CALLING FROM PHONE NUMBER (REDACTED BECAUSE OF STALKERS.) IS THIS THE NUMBER FOR THE ACCOUNT YOU’RE CALLING ABOUT?
I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THAT.
I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THAT. DID YOU SAY YES?
OK. WHAT ARE YOU CALLING ABOUT TODAY?
I’M SORRY. I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THAT.
I’M SORRY. I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THAT. DID YOU SAY ORDER NEW CHANNELS?
NO. WIIIIRRREEELEESSSS SERRRRRVVVIIICCEEEE.
OK. PLEASE HOLD ON WHILE I GET YOU SOMEONE TO ORDER YOU SOME NEW CHANNELS.
So first we got Patrick. Yes, this is his real name. I remember it because he made me mad. He was the first of THREE people to make me mad.
Patrick: Thank you for calling Time Warner Cable! This is Patrick, before we get started, just let me verify some information!
Patrick: What is your name? Last four digits of your social? Address? Phone number? Blood type? Organ donor, yes/no? Can you digest lactose?
(I might have made up some of those.)
Me: (spouts off information in a very pissy tone)
Patrick: GREAT! And how can I HELP you today, Amy?
Me: I was told my router was mailed on Friday for delivery Tuesday. It’s Wednesday. No router. Where’s my router?
Patrick: Before we get to that, we have a great deal on a package we call the Roadrunner Real-Good-Times Package, and…
Me: I AM NOT INTERESTED IN REAL GOOD TIMES. WHERE IS MY ROUTER.
Patrick: Let me just pull up your account here. Beep beep beep boop! This work order is closed. You have your router.
Me: I can assure you I do not.
Patrick: But the work order is closed.
Me: Well, that’s great. Open that sucker up again, because I don’t have the router.
Patrick: I’m going to have to transfer you to technical support if you’re having trouble with your router.
Me: I HAVE NO ROUTER I JUST WANT TO USE MY SHINY NEW LAPTOP.
Patrick: Hold for technical support, please!
Then proceeded two minutes of the LOUDEST HOLD MUSIC you have EVER HEARD IN YOUR LIFE. I put the phone on the arm of the couch and I could STILL hear it.
Then Patrick hung up on me.
So I called back. Listen, I’m the little girl with the little curl right in the middle of her forehead, ok? When I’m good I’m VERY VERY GOOD. But when I’m mad I’m so pissed one look from me could peel paint from the walls. That’s how that rhyme goes, right?
This time I YELLED at the automated system. That didn’t make it understand me any better, but it eventually got me to Deepa in technical support. This is not her real name. I don’t remember her real name. She was Indian, and I knew a lovely woman named Deepa who was Indian once. There you go.
Deepa: Time Warner technical support, this is Deepa, how can I help you?
Me: I ordered a router on Friday, it was supposed to be delivered on Tuesday. It is Wednesday. It is not here. I was told to hold for technical support, but then Patrick put on some really loud hold music and hung up on me.
Deepa: I can see how that would be frustrating. Please verify a metric shit-ton of personal information for me?
Me: UGH FINE. (I do so. AGAIN.)
Deepa: Great. How can I help you today?
Me: Just told you.
Me: Router. Please check my file. Patrick in customer support said I have it. I obviously don’t, or why would I be bothering you?
Deepa: Just a moment please. Beep beep beep boop! Oh. Oh, dear.
Deepa: You’re going to have to speak to customer service. You don’t have a router. We can’t help you here in technical support.
Me: I KNOW THAT I TOLD PATRICK THAT. Are you transferring me back to Patrick? I think he hates me.
Deepa: Please hold.
LOUD ON HOLD MUSIC FOR SEVENTY BILLION HOURS
Mike: Time Warner Cable, this is Mike, how can I help you?
Me: Mike, did Deepa fill you in on this situation?
Mike: If I could just get some personal information…
Me: OH FOR THE LOVE OF PETE. (Gives it to him)
Mike: Great. How can we help you today?
Me: OK. Here’s the story. I ordered a router on Friday. I was told it would arrive on Tuesday. It’s Wednesday. No router. Patrick in Customer Service said I have it. I don’t. I need the router. What’s happening with this.
Mike: Please hold. I’ll look into this.
Me: NO. OK, no, I call bullshit on this whole thing. Don’t you even DARE put me on hold. Look it up right now. I will wait. I will breathe in your EAR. Look it UP.
Mike: (now using the “this is a crazy person proceed with care” voice that I hate) O…kay…
Mike proceeds, for ten minutes, to type. I don’t know if he was really looking things up or playing Minesweeper or searching for kangaroo porn or writing notes to his coworkers about what a crotch I was being. I DON’T CARE.
Mike: OK, what seems to have happened here, is that it was never mailed.
Mike: I don’t know why. But you ordered it, and the order was placed, but then the ticket was marked closed.
Me: So Time Warner made a mistake.
Mike: We can’t say that’s what happened.
Me: As far as I can tell, two parties were involved: me, and Time Warner. I called Friday to place an order for a router and was assured it went out in the mail the same day. Did I make a mistake?
Mike: No, ma’am.
Me: Then, as a mistake WAS made, and I didn’t make one, I think we CAN say, Mike, that Time Warner made it.
Mike: No. I can’t say that.
Me: OK. Well, that seems suspect. So, how are you going to fix it?
Mike: You can run to the office tomorrow and get a router.
Me: Wouldn’t that be nice? Wouldn’t that fix all that ails us? See, Mike, I would have done that last week, but I work at a tax firm. We don’t get lunches anymore. And my hours are longer than you’re open or closed in that office. So that doesn’t work for me.
Mike: I can UPS you a router. You’d get it next Tuesday.
Me: So, a week from when you promised it last time. How would I know you mailed it?
Mike: I’d UPS it. I could email you a tracking number?
Me: I don’t want a week-late pity-router. What I want is for one of your techs to bring me a router. Right now.
Mike: We’re not a delivery service, ma’am.
Me: Well, it’s a good thing I didn’t ask for a pizza. I know you have night techs out, because I’ve had to use them before. I’m sure one of them has a router and instructions on how to install it in their truck, and I’m sure one of them is in my area. Have them swing by and drop it off. It’ll take five minutes.
Mike: There’s a $49 service charge for a home installation.
Me: I didn’t ask for an installation. I asked someone to bring me a router. And you’ll be waiving any fees related to this situation, as the mistake wasn’t made by me.
Mike: There are no openings for techs until Friday.
Me: You’re telling me no techs could swing by my place and drop off a router. That’s not possible.
Mike: No, ma’am.
Me: I’d like your manager, please.
Mike: Um. Just a minute, ma’am.
(Puts the phone down, types furiously)
Mike: Ma’am, as a one-time and one-time only courtesy, because a mistake was made but I don’t know if we’ll ever know by whom, I can send a tech out to your home. But it won’t be until Friday.
Me: And it will be free. Right, Mike?
Mike: One time. One time only.
Me: Not the best solution, but it will have to do.
Mike: The tech will be there between noon and three on Friday.
Me: Did you want to come into my office for training tomorrow? What time will you be there?
Mike: I’m sorry, ma’am?
Me: I can only assume you, personally, will be covering my job for me while I sit at home waiting for the cable guy?
Mike: That’s the only time the tech can come.
Me: I explained why I couldn’t get the router. For the same reason, I can’t sit in my apartment on a workday waiting for cable installation. If I could, I’d PICK UP THE ROUTER FROM YOUR OFFICE.
Mike: We can also do Saturday morning.
Me: I work Saturdays, too.
Me: I’m a poor person, Mike, it’s what we do. You can’t possibly tell me you have no evening hours.
Mike: No, I’m sorry, we don’t. We can do Sunday.
Me: Sunday it is.
So: in conclusion. Router was SUSPICIOUSLY NOT MAILED on Friday as promised; no one at Time Warner Cable knows what’s up or will admit any wrongdoing; being firm with them (which I really hate doing, I’m usually a total pushover about things like this because I work the phones and I know how hard it is) had very little effect other than the cable guy is actually going to install the router on Sunday and odds were good I would have screwed that up, so I’m pleased with that.
But otherwise: TIME WARNER CABLE IS LE SUCK. Also, their customer service? Not so grand.
They kind of have our area in a stranglehold, though. There’s Verizon, but I hear bad things. And Dish Network, but my dad has a dish and it seems to go out a lot. Time Warner really is the best option, and I’m a media hooooor so I need my tv and phone and interwebs.
Doesn’t mean I have to LIKE it, though. Jerks.
(Before you get all “AMY YOU WERE SUCH A DOUCHE TO THE CUSTOMER SERVICE REPS!!!” I think it is important to tell you a bit of the above might have been exaggerated for comedic effect. I won’t tell you which bits. You can decide which ones for yourself, it’ll be like a little puzzle.)
ANYWAY. Shiny new LAPPPPTOPPPP! So FASSSTTTT! Like LIGHTNING! Wireless by SUNDAY! All is WELL!!!!
Also, wait til I figure out this webcam thingamabobber, this is going to be GREAT.
Happy Thursday, my little creme brulees!
(PS. This is TOTALLY my THREE HUNDREDTH POST. I know, right? Who would’ve thunk it? THREE HUNDRED, BABY! Thanks for sticking with me, let’s do three hundred more, what do you say?)