Oh, and I will make myself so beautiful.

OK, I’m late to the party here. AGAIN. Listen, it’s the last two weeks of tax season? Deadline is April 17? AND WE ARE BUSY AS HELL. So a lot of things pass me by unnoticed. Dad’s always saying, “Did you hear about…” and mentioned major things, and I’m like, “Nope.” Because I haven’t. I barely have my Twitter feed open. I have come to rely on people to tweet me. It has become a sad and singular little existence, my sugar plums. But the light is at the end of the tunnel. I can barely see it, but it’s there. It’s on the way. Dim, but it’s there.

So I kept noticing this morning everyone mentioning the name “Samantha Brick” and I made a mental note to Google this because they were insulting how attractive she was. And I hate that shit so it was annoying me. But from the tone, I assumed there was a backstory I was missing.

HOLY HELL was there a backstory I was missing.

So you all know about this Samantha Brick thing, right?

Samantha Brick is a British freelance journalist. She wrote an article Monday entitled – ready? – ‘There are downsides to looking this pretty’: Why women hate me for being beautiful in the Daily Mail. (British Twitter people inform me that the Daily Mail is the tabloidiest of the tabloidy papers over there. True?)

The article is – well, it’s pretty much described in the title. Samantha Brick claims she is SO PRETTY that she has been discriminated against at work and forced to wear dowdy clothing and passed over for promotion because of her stunningness and the jealousy it instills in the other ladies she works with; none of her female friends will ask her to be a bridesmaid because she’ll look better than them in the wedding party; she gets free food, drink, cab rides, etc. wherever she goes; random people take her photograph; and all the women of the world hate her. Oh, and if you read the article and have a vagina and hate her? It’s because you’re jealous. Jealous because she’s beautiful. And you’re not. Beautiful. At all. Compared to her beauty. Her prodigious beauty.

OK, listen, I think we all have beauty and worth and blah blah blah sunshine flowers? And I’m not here to run down anyone’s looks? But do you have a mental picture of what this woman (bee tee dubs, she’s 41, not 21, so you can’t even blame the idiocy of youth for this nonsense) looks like? If not, fix one in your mind.

Here’s what she really looks like.

Um.

She’s…fine?

Kevin blogged about this today (WAY TO BEAT ME TO THE PUNCH KEVIN), and I was interested to see an intelligent guy’s take on this.  He thinks she’s unpretty and her eyes are cockeyed. 

I’m not going to say she’s UNpretty. I hate to be judgey. I really do. I mean, I totally am judgey, in my HEAD. If you say you’re not, you’re a liar. We’re all judgey in our heads, don’t even deny it. But out loud…um…well, we all have shit we’re going through and dealing with, you know? And adding an extra layer of cattiness to that really isn’t productive to anyone. I don’t go around falsely complimenting people, either, I just want to make that clear. If I think someone looks pretty or handsome one day, or something’s a good photo of someone? If I genuinely think it? I say it. Otherwise, I just keep my mouth shut. It’s rude otherwise. Also, if you keep dishing out false compliments, people stop trusting you when you say a real one. And you can’t sleep with a clear conscience. At least I can’t. I hate false compliments. They taste like ashes in my mouth. Sincerely.

That being said…how to put this delicately.

She’s kind of plain. Not UGLY, I wouldn’t say UGLY. She’s plain. Average. She’s FINE. She’s just nothing special.

And her eyes really are crooked. Nice call on that, Kevin.

So what the hell’s going on in this article? Is she trolling the internet? Is she TRYING to get all the hits? There were almost 5,000 comments on her article when I went over there to gank the link for this post. Most of them all “WHAT AN UGLY HOSEBEAST” but still, that’s 5,000 people moved to comment – and if my own comments and stats are any indication? Only about 10% of the readership comments. So that’s about, what, 50,000 hits, or so?

Also, Twitter blew up, as I mentioned. It’s what we do. We’re good at it. It’s one of the many reasons I love Twitter. Here, click on this. The hashtag (or, if you’re my dad, hashbrown) #samanthabrickfacts is full of people making jokes about her. Some are humorous: “She can’t walk through wooded areas in case she attracts many furry animals, singing to her.” Some are mean as hell and I’m not going to repeat them. The good ones make fun of her self-involvement; the bad ones make fun of her looks, or, worse, seem to vaguely threaten her? Way to be, weirdos of the interwebs.

If this paper really is a tabloid, I’m guessing content really isn’t that big of a deal to them? Are British tabloids like American tabloids, like, with “BAT BOY SPOTTED IN KANSAS CITY” and “WHITNEY HOUSTON PREDICTED HER OWN DEATH” and such presented as real news items?

Does it depress anyone else that the Weekly World News went out of business? I used to love looking at this thing at the checkout.

Who can answer that for me. Rod? Elaine? My new internet kid sis Emma who I would protect from a marauding herd of water buffalo if called upon to do so?

Or – and this is my inclination – does she really think this is the case? Does she really think she is SO PRETTY that it’s holding her back, that it’s causing rifts in her personal life, that it’s the root of all evil?

If I had to guess, here’s what I think the ACTUAL root of all evil is.

She has an inflated sense of self-worth, she’s kind of a twatwaffle, and no one wants to hang out with her. She, like most twatwaffles, doesn’t put the blame on her OWN plate, no no, why would you do THAT? She, INSTEAD, blames HER EXTREME BEAUTY. Because they can’t POSSIBLY dislike her PERSONALITY! I mean, what’s to dislike? She’s OBVIOUSLY the very model of utter perfection in word and deed. It can’t POSSIBLY be HER. It’s her GORGEOUS VISAGE. And, by extension, everyone who treats her poorly is such a jealous asshole!

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes when no one wants to hang out with you it’s because you’re a complete and utter douche-kebab, you know?

I mean, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe she lives in the part of France (the article says she lives in France) where all the people with facial deformities live, so she’s like a goddess, comparatively, I don’t know. I’m just saying, I can walk through my office – which is just your everyday average office – and every single woman in that office is as pretty or prettier than this chick. And no one’s sending them spur-of-the-moment flowers because they couldn’t help themselves. No one’s going all cartoon-goggly-eyed if they wear a skirt. No one’s telling them they can’t be in a wedding because they’ll upstage the bride.

Kevin mentioned this in his post as well, and I agree – I think all these amazing wonderful acts of kindness (which are actually, ZOMG, OPPRESSING her) are like Brian’s Canadian girlfriend in The Breakfast Club. No one’s actually SEEN them happen, but she SAYS they’ve happened, so they MUST have happened. “She lives in Canada, met her at Niagara Falls, you wouldn’t know her.” “Oh, ANOTHER man PAID for my CAB today, help, help, I’m being OPPRESSED because I’m so BEAUUUUTIFUL. When? Oh, when you were over feeding the meter, you wouldn’t have seen it, sorry.”

SHE LIVES IN CANADA I SAID.

I honestly am befuddled about this whole situation. I mean, I’m all for thinking you’re beautiful. I’d like all of us to think we’re a little MORE beautiful. I’d like even a quarter of this self-esteem, some mornings. But if this chick’s for real – um – there’s a fine line between self-esteem and delusional, isn’t there? I’m not saying she’s ugly. I’m really not. She’s just fine. And that’s IT. She’s FINE. She’s AVERAGE. And honestly, I don’t know if, say, Heidi Klum, who I think is just stunning, or Kate Winslet, who’s my total girl-crush, are getting all these random “people buy shit for me because of my stunning stunningness” or “all the ladies hate me because I SO PURTY,” you know? Even the two of them! Who ARE stunning!

I'd be half-tempted to give Heidi a free latte...

...and I'd give my girl Kate anything she wanted. She recently RESCUED someone's GRAMMA from a burning BUILDING. I LURVE HER.

So what the hell? Is it delusion? Is it a day-late April Fools’ joke? Is it trolling the internet, trying to get hits and get the name of either the paper or the author out there? What say you, minions? I’m genuinely curious what your take on this is. I’m just flummoxed.

I know. I know. I wouldn’t be saying all this if I wasn’t just so damn JEALOUS, Samantha Brick. *skulks off kicking rocks*

As I was just about to publish, my lovely Amanda also blogged about this. So check out Amanda’s take, because I adore her. If it matters, Amanda, I’m TOTALLY daunted by both your beauty AND your brains. But I don’t hate you for them. I LOVE YOU MORE.

(Title’s from the Hole song “Reasons to be Beautiful.” Have we talked about my Courtney Love/Hole obsession yet? Probably not. In a nutshell: I have a Courtney Love/Hole obsession. I know, but listen! Have you ever been in a really bad mood? Put on a Hole CD and scream along with the lyrics in your car while you’re driving. IT CURES ALL ILLS. I swear.)

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

43 responses to “Oh, and I will make myself so beautiful.

  • elaine4queen

    yeah, no, the mail isn’t all about the bat boys, although i did once work on ‘bat boy, the musical’ so at least now i know it’s a thing.

    i have nothing against the french per se, but it could be that people hate her for being english. or even, *gasp*, being whatever the sort of english is that most gets french people’s heckles up. on the other hand, the fact that she says things like ‘people hate me because i am beautiful’ kind of makes me ill disposed to her for a start off. if the stuff she says is as generally dull and pointless then i think i could muster up a spot of hate, were i to be trapped in a train with her having a loud conversation nearby.

    hey, maybe i am french?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      You did? They did that musical here not too long ago but I missed it. I don’t remember why. I was probably in the middle of a show at my theater and couldn’t do both – that’s why I usually miss things!

      I think anyone who thinks people are treating you badly SIMPLY because you’re beautiful (when she isn’t even that beautiful!) immediately deserve an annoyed grumble.

      Like

      • elaine4queen

        it was cobblers, but i enjoyed working on it. it wasn’t exactly a smash hit. i did followspot for the first time. nice job. everyone was friendly. i only gave it up because illness made the commute unbearable.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          It makes me so sad you had to give it up! I wish there was a way to fix that! :(

          Like

          • elaine4queen

            i worked on and off in the theatre from the age of about 16 or 17. i was in the middle of a proper art lecturing career and hadn’t worked back stage for several years, but when i got too ill to work i thought it’d be a way of easing me back into my high pressured job (west end is really easy work, you just learn one show’s cues and that’s it). i was fine over the summer but as the winter drew in and it got darker i became quite phobic about sitting on the bus. i had an incident with a drunk man with a face covered in blood and i gave up.
            i have thought about going back – before getting the dog i thought about trying to swap into town so i wouldn’t have to commute at all. maybe get a follow spot job for ballet. but after i got poppet i started caring a LOT about nearby green space. and there’s nothing to say i’d have got the work anyway.
            oddly, i have landed living next door to a thesp. he’s the one who helped me record my bodyscan meditation. i know he has a (not very secret) plan to get me doing something theatrical. bless him!

            Like

            • lucysfootball

              See, look why we get along so well! We’re theater people!

              I love your next door neighbor. I want an actory next door neighbor! Mine are The Guy Who I Think is Building a Canoe and The Guy Who Listens to A Lot More Barry White Than is Healthy and The Old Man With the Croupy Constant Cough. None of these people are all that enjoyable.

              I wonder if there’s a way for you to get involved on a limited scale. Costume design? Sound design? Something where you could do a majority of the work from home, and only go in a few times?

              Like

              • elaine4queen

                i dare say i will get roped in eventually. at the moment i am ill more days than i am well, though, and i can never tell when i am going to have a couple of good days to rub together.

                he insists that i am ‘theatre people’ too!

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                • lucysfootball

                  You ARE theater people! He’s right! Once theater people, always theater people!

                  I’m so looking forward to not only the day you get roped in, but the day you feel better more days than not!

                  Like

                  • elaine4queen

                    me too. i was going to stop messing about with meds and just try to get a bit fitter this summer, to have something in the bank for the winter, but i have just had the heads up on a few different drugs, and i am SO DESPERATE to feel better and DO THINGS that i think i will look into trying whatever my doc agrees to. i even feel angry that i’ve not been well enough to blog lately – and i wish my brain was up to writing all the things i want to about the hunger games.
                    so many thoughts!

                    Like

            • lahikmajoe

              Oh, I hope he’s successful. I want Elaine back in the theatre. And for Poppet to have a good sitter.

              Sounds like another good reason for me to come to London. Aside from to save *all* the tea.

              Like

  • Suniverse

    Hmmm . . . I’m not sure why sometimes people’s egos are overinflated, but I kind of wish I were that person, just for a little while.

    Good takedown on this [which I’ve also missed]

    Like

  • doesmybumlookbiginthis

    Woooo i got a mention! I’m totally proud to be your kid internet sister :) And indeed i am British and can answer tabloidy questions! Yeah the Daily Mail is the go-to newspaper if you want to see if Rihanna’s dyed her roots yet or you want to brush up on your morals – I’m reading ‘Teenage Girl’s Mother Praises 15 Year Old Girls Obsession With Looking Like ‘Living Doll”. I mean, it’s very educational, if you want to be educated about pop culture and weird stuff :)

    I love this post, you’re wise and funny, you should have your own show where people ask you for advise and you make funnies :) Do it. I think she’s average looking and it can’t be her looks that gets her so much negative attention; it must be her ego, right?

    Also, twatwaffle?! Brilliant, i cannot express how much this makes me happy! :) xx

    Like

    • lahikmajoe

      See Amy? I’m not the only one who thinks you should be an advice columnist. Good call little sis.

      Like

      • lucysfootball

        Well, find a way to make it happen! I’d rather do that than do what I’m currently doing for a living!

        Oh, Ken, meet Emma. Emma, meet Ken. He is my long-lost secret sibling, so we’re all internet-related now.

        Like

    • lucysfootball

      Yay! So the Daily Mail has real news, even though it’s a little trashy. It sounds more real than our tabloids. Ours are mostly made-up stuff, like aliens and things.

      Aw! Thank you! I would love to have my own show. How can I go about that, I wonder? Wouldn’t that be so much more fun than working at my job all day long?

      Hee! Isn’t twatwaffle the best? I love it. I don’t think I’ve used it yet here but it seemed a good opportunity! :)

      Like

  • amanda stratton

    I am totally going to use your blog to say things I didn’t say in my own because I wanted to keep it on-message. Samantha Brick is kind of stupid. I am not so pretty, but if I went up to a “mutual friend” and said “Hey, why didn’t I get that promotion?” or “why doesn’t she want me to hang around at her place anymore?” they would automatically say the one good response that we all have known is the one good response since the third grade: “Oh, she must be jealous of you.” And she seemed to basing a lot of her opinions on that. THAT’S JUST WHAT WOMEN TELL EACH OTHER, SAMMY. Because “You’re an awful bitch, and kind of incompetent” doesn’t SOUND as good.

    So, while I do think men give the prettier women special treatment, and I do hate it, I don’t actually think women get treated badly for it very often.

    ALSO. I adore you right back, and I am regularly impressed by your excellence–your blog, your ability to do so many things all the time, your unremitting wittiness, etc–and while I may sometimes think “I wish I was that cool,” I try not to be jealous, you know? Because you work hard and are very awesome. And I could never hate you for it. I do in fact, also love you more for it.

    (But I still reserve the right to quietly hate strangers who get free drinks.)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      You can use my blog for any reason at any time you want. My doors are always open to you!

      I agree – because if a woman treats another woman badly because of her looks, it makes it obvious the first woman thinks she’s unattractive and has low self-esteem. And no woman WANTS people to know that about them.

      Aw, thank you! And I am SO not cool. I’m only PRETENDING to be cool. And I am constantly thinking the same things about you! :)

      Like

  • sj

    I don’t think she’s beautiful, at all. There’s…I don’t know, something about her chin really bothers me, and her eyes are crooked.

    I hate reading things like this, because all it does is make it clear to me that she’s a raging egomaniac. I’m pretty sure all the things she’s talking about ARE Canadian Girlfriends, but…man, I can’t even get my thoughts together.

    I ell oh elled when I saw that she said she doesn’t drink, but two paragraphs before that, she said her bar tabs were always paid and she gets free bottles of champagne. Way to contradict yourself there, girly.

    Also, and this is probably pretty shallow of me, but I’m super annoyed by that thing she does with her hands in ALL OF THE PICTURES.

    Look, I took screenshots for you of the weird hand thing:

    http://screencast.com/t/64nU5kyg

    http://screencast.com/t/rlb3u8uXOF

    http://screencast.com/t/EtYvz9os5i

    WHAT IS THAT?!

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    British tabloids are weird, but not in “Elvis is alive and an alien” kind of way. More like “Lets take this semi-celeb and kill her off using ONLY OUR WORDS!”. Vicious and false at best, in other words.

    (And I think people would try buying Heidi and Kate drinks because they’re FAMOUS, not because they’re beautiful. You don’t need to be beautiful to be famous, although it does help. Or so I’ve heard.)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Andreas, I completely didn’t even think of you as a Daily Mail resource. In thinking about it, I think it was for two reasons: 1. When I imagine you reading, you’re always reading scientific journals, not tabloid-style newspapers; and 2. In my head, you’ve already moved back to Finland and it’s like your time on the Isle of Man never happened. I don’t know what’s going on in my head sometimes.

      I would buy Kate a drink because I think once we started talking we would be BFFs. I LOVE HER SO MUCH.

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        Well, to be fair I don’t actually read the Daily Mail but I’ve seen enough headlines and scanned through enough ‘articles’ to understand that this article has probably been edited to within inches of its life and wouldn’t even be recognisable to the original author, whoever that was. All for effect. Outrage sell papers, after all.

        (In my mind, I’m also already in Finland, but in Real Life I’m still in the Isle of Man for a few more weeks.)

        Like

  • anirrationalratio

    I’ve never actually read the Daily Mail.
    It’s a little like Fox News is to news stations. They tend to be biased. I imagine that Mr. Dursley is a reader (in checking my spelling of the Harry Potter character’s name I found that he IS a Daily Mail reader hahahaha).

    OK, I wouldn’t have said she looked 41 (not that that means much, I’m terrible at guessing ages) but other than that…well, you hit the nail on the head, no need to rehash that.
    To be honest, she looks less attractive when trying to imagining her as a real person, going around being too pretty to live in the real world with all the ugly people.

    Of course, that being said, some women can be really catty to prettier women. But they are also catty to every other woman, so that probably evens out :P

    When she says that she gets stuff because of how pretty she is, did the people say that was the reason? I mean, I’ve paid for a pretty girl’s cab fare before but it wasn’t because she was pretty (although the offhanded gesture did confuse her and the driver).

    P.S. OMG The Weekly World News is shutdown?!?! I wonder if that was predicted in it? They were always predicting the end of the world, they had to get it right at least once.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      She looked young in the photo I posted, but looked 41 in the others on the site. So the one I posted might have been taken a while ago.

      I completely agree – women can be catty. BUT, in this case, I don’t think that’s the reason people are (if they indeed are) treating her poorly. I think it’s because she’s got an attitude and everyone knows she thinks she’s prettier than they are. ESPECIALLY after this article comes out. Man, can you IMAGINE how she’d going to be treated NOW? Eesh.

      Like

      • anirrationalratio

        Oh, photo trickery! Then she’s doing even worse than before, and she was behind from the start.

        I wonder when her “They’re also jealous of my international journalistic career!” article will come out?

        Like

  • blogginglily

    Maybe it was tongue-in-cheek. That’s what I’m going with. She’s on the pretty side of plain.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I don’t think it was, though! I think she was totally serious! Isn’t that the weirdest? Yeah, I think she’s average. I work with a couple women who I think are just so pretty. And no one’s buying them free shit or keeping them out of weddings. This whole thing smacks of trolling the internet to me.

      Like

  • jbrown3079

    I found this on Twitter a couple of days ago. I take her at her word that she is serious. She certainly has gotten attention. It reminds me of something my late friend Steve said once. We saw a young woman walking across the room and he said, “I wish she was as pretty as she thinks she is.”

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I sometimes wish I was as pretty as people think they are. Then I think, hey, I like my brain, so if that’s the tradeoff, I’ll stick with what I’ve got. Works just fine for me!

      Like

  • Rich Crete

    I think I saw a commercial that Sally Struthers did with some sad music in the background begging, pleading for help, if we only could, help the pretty people. Folks are buying them drinks and giving them jobs, right under our noses!. Sniff. We can’t let that continue. Won’t you please….help? Just a dollar a day can save one of these pretty people from having to ugly themselves up to be like us. Please. Find it in your heart….
    OK. I’ll quit now.

    Like

  • lahikmajoe

    I saw this mentioned on twitter and was too busy with other things to actually click on it and figure out what all the snark was.

    Without your informative blog, I’d have never known. Never. Known.

    Did you see this?: http://m.guardian.co.uk/ms/p/gnm/op/sflBGWeBF9BjR-DQO91AOkg/view.m?id=15&gid=lifeandstyle/2012/apr/04/samantha-brick-hated-good-looks&cat=lifeandstyle

    It’s Tim Dowling’s very serious approach to the issue that Ms Brick was trying to address. I’m glad The Guardian had the courage to publish it.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      That made me laugh so hard. I, too, am glad it was published. Poor men. Poor, handsome, put-upon beardymen.They are in SUCH a pickle! (Who is that author, should I know him? I liked that a lot.)

      I like that I have an informative blog! It’s like I’m providing a service of some sort. I don’t know what sort, SOME sort, sheesh.

      Like

  • kitchenmudge

    Some day we will only travel via the interwebs. We might even do the most intimate things with our virtual reality helmets on, and anyone can be beautiful with photoshop. You’ve read about the sneeches, right?

    So what will we hate each other for then? Surely not anything that matters.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I think we’ll always hate each other for having more money than the other people, right? There will always be the haves and the have nots. The haves will have the nicer virtual realities, while the have nots won’t. I’m sure we’ll find something to hate. We always do.

      Yes. The Sneetches are one of my favorite cautionary tales.

      Like

  • >I don’t hate you because you’re beautiful. I hate you because you get your water glass filled faster than I do. | amanda stratton

    […] My friend Amy (You know Amy. I’ve talked about Amy.) also blogged about this today because apparently we both decided today was finally the day to find out who Samantha Brick is. Amy talked about it from a different angle, and raised excellent points in a way that is far funnier than… me. Go read that, too. And give her all the special treatment you like. She’s too awesome for me to hate her. It’s the loophole in the vagina contract. This entry was posted in personal sh*t, rambles by insanity. Bookmark the permalink. […]

    Like

  • >I don’t hate you because you’re beautiful. I hate you because you get your water glass filled faster than I do. | amanda stratton

    […] My friend Amy (You know Amy. I’ve talked about Amy.) also blogged about this today because apparently we both decided today was finally the day to find out who Samantha Brick is. Amy talked about it from a different angle, and raised excellent points in a way that is far funnier than… me. Go read that, too. And give her all the special treatment you like. She’s too awesome for me to hate her. It’s the loophole in the vagina contract. This entry was posted in Uncategorized by amanda. Bookmark the permalink. […]

    Like

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