It’s only a matter of time before I’m riding a pegasus with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, this is going to be great.

OK, first, before I get going:

EVIL ROBIN UPDATE.

SO MAD.

I called home tonight and I was all, “Hey, what’s up with the robin?” and Dad said, “That stupid robin is gone.”

The robin was gone when he woke up! It didn’t even come back today! This is the worst. I wanted CLOSURE, dammit.

Jim found us a link that explained the robin was attacking its own reflection because it thought its reflection was a competitor or some such nonsense. Well, good gravy, Robin, why so fighty? Make love not war, Robin. Especially not with my dad’s window, he didn’t like that one little bit.

OK, now on to the festivities. WHAT. We’re totally having festivities. EVERY DAY IS CARNIVALE AT LUCY’S FOOTBALL. Isn’t it?

So we were discussing dreams the other day on Twitter. More specifically, how I am broken, as I don’t have them. I mean, I DO, I suppose. “They” – the all great and powerful nebulous “they” – say that even if you can’t remember your dreams, you’re having them.

I totally feel ripped off. I think I would have the BEST dreams. I would WIN dreaming. I’m very creative. I can make up a story out of NOTHING. I do it ALL THE TIME. So therefore, my dreams would be full of bunnies made of rainbow yarn and being able to fly and staplers that talked. OH SHIT AND PEGASUSES. Right?

Well, who the hell knows, because I don’t even remember the last time I dreamed. Dreamed? Dreamt? Doesn’t dreamt look stupid and affected, like a hipster would say it? Spellcheck says it’s not a word. However, spellcheck says 99% of my posts aren’t words, because I make shit up. I think I’m sticking with dreamed. I don’t know if it’s the meds I’m on or just that I’m so damn tired but I can’t remember a single dream going back to last summer, that I recall clearly. And that one sucked, I was back in high school. WAY TO RIP ME OFF, LAST DREAM I REMEMBER.

ANYWAY, so I was thinking, you know what I want? My dreams back. Because I think they would be great and just a little added chance for awesomeness. I mean, I like to multitask.

So I went online to look for ways to make this happen. What, the internet can make ANYTHING happen.

(SIDE NOTE. You know how Google starts to autofill things when you start typing in questions? Some random autofills I found recently? “How to have twins” [um…genetics? Prayer? Luck?]; “How to insert a tampon” [this one made me utterly despair for the youth of America – there are INSTRUCTIONS inside the BOX of TAMPONS, come ON!]; “How to jumpstart a car” [hi, future thief, welcome to the internet!]; and “How to make moonshine” [YEE HAW!] Also, everyone seems to want to make something called a “fishtail braid.” I didn’t know what that was, so I looked it up.

Apparently it’s this, which is some sort of fashion craze:

Pretty enough, I guess. I can’t do braids. I have slippery hair. It just SLIIIDES out of braids and then goes back to being unruly. It’s all WILD HORSES CAN’T BE TAMED, my hair. I’ve stopped despairing, what’s the point.)

So, back to the dreaming conundrum. I looked up “why don’t I dream” and this poorly-designed site tells me that:

Would you please tell me why people do not dream?

Everybody dreams! This is a scientifically proven fact. Research has shown that all human beings in a study exhibit brain activity during their sleep. Just because you cannot remember your dreams does not mean that you do not dream. So why is it that some people don’t remember their dream? This may be attributed to alcohol consumption, certain antibiotics, fever, lack of sleep or too much sleep, high levels of stress, and/or unconscious fears about the content of your dreams. Some researchers believe that certain people have a genetic dispositions to forget their dreams as they come out of their sleep.

A ROBOT WROTE THIS THERE ARE NO CONTRACTIONS IN IT AT ALL IT IS ALARMING BEEP BEEP BOOP

Well, hell, I am all kinds of strikes against me if this is true. Lack of sleep – CHECK. High levels of stress – CHECK. Genetics all wonky – CHECK. Drinking – eh, haven’t been lately, only because I had to stop because of the antibiotics I was on, then didn’t start again yet. I don’t think I have a fever. If I did, I know the cure is more cowbell, so I could clear that right up. I don’t know if I’m afraid of the content of my dreams. As stated, I’m sure they would be AWESOME. One time, I dreamed the boy I was in love with all through school showed up at my house and we…um…wooed. There was wooing. That was a nice dream. MORE WOOING PLEASE. (In case you’re wondering, wooing is a euphemism. For boning.)

So apparently there’s not much I can do to get back the dreams. My dreamer is broken. I suppose I could take acid or some such foolishness but I don’t believe in that. You know I’d end up all weird like Jim Morrison or something. Have I mentioned my irrational hatred of all things Jim Morrison? I HATE JIM MORRISON. So, so much. I don’t understand why everyone lionizes him. At all. You can enlighten me, if you want. I think he was a burnout, and I don’t think The Doors were all that good. Also, his poetry was AWFUL. It read like a NIGHTMARE OF SUCK.

But then I found this link that was all, “How to lucid dream” and clicked it and THIS IS TOTALLY EXCITING.

So apparently, once you master this shit, you’re totally going to be like the people in Inception.

I don’t especially want to be like the people in Inception. I REALLY don’t want to be Leonardo DiCaprio. He has the weirdest head. He looks like a pissed-off Kewpie Doll. I just don’t get the appeal. BUT, I am hoping, once I master this, I will be able to lucid dream my way into Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s lucid dream, the one in which he’s wearing those kick-ass Inception suits. Yowza.

Also, I SWEAR one of my blogger people that I read talked about this. And I DOUBLE swear it was Andreas. But I can’t find it, even with a total stalky-stalk of his blog. ANDREAS. Did you cover lucid dreaming somewhere on your blog? If you did, I so apologize, and please link in the comments, I’m an asshole who doesn’t know how to use a search box, apparently. (Also, SIDE NOTE, you know what’s fun? Watching the evolution of a friendship through blog comments when you’re supposed to be looking for a link to someone’s lucid dreaming post. Because I found this old comment I made on one of Andreas’s old posts and it was like I was all FORMAL and STUFFY and TRYING TO BE A GROWNUP! Then you see the comments now and I’m totally comfortable and wearing sweatpants and hanging out on a beanbag chair because we are BONDED NOW, yo. So that was fun. I think we may have figured out why I don’t ever get to sleep on time. It’s because I CAN’T STICK TO A TASK.)

OK. Back to it. So. Lucid dreaming. Lucid dreaming is when you’re dreaming, but you KNOW you’re dreaming, so you can CONTROL your dream. Fun stuff, right? AMY, you’re wondering. HOW CAN I DO THIS?

Well! I am HERE TO TELL YOU.

I learned all about how to do this from WikiHow, because I learn good things from there. Like How to Flirt and How to be an Actress and How to Stop Thinking About Sex and How to Make Cheese out of Yogurt Also Known as YoCheese.

It’s a really long article. I’ll recap the important parts. I know you’re going to want to get to sleep and try this shit out. I’m saying shit a lot today, what’s up with that? I’m not even especially cranky.

  1. All day long, ask yourself, “Am I dreaming?” and pinch yourself. Then when you are sleeping, you will remember to ask yourself the SAME QUESTION! And apparently…um…give yourself a different answer!
  2. Keep a dream journal! According to WikiHow, this will “tell your mind you are SERIOUS about remembering your dreams!” Mine would be empty. I’d end up writing shopping lists in it. Or blog post ideas. It’d be the saddest dream journal ever.
  3. Research when is best to have a lucid dream. The article implies it is best to wake up, then take a nap a few hours later. Yeah, I think that’ll work out great. My boss will really enjoy me just crashing out around 9:15am. I’ll print out the WikiHow article, it’ll serve as a doctor’s note, right?
  4. Torture yourself. OK, the article didn’t say that, I did. But it said to set your alarm for four hours after you fall asleep, then wake up, write down what you were dreaming about in detail, then lie back down, repeating to yourself, “I will remember I am dreaming, I will remember I am dreaming” over and over. If I set my alarm for 4am, I’d be up at 4am. I’d never fall back to sleep. And if I repeated a stupid mantra like that I’d REALLY never get back to sleep. This is the worst.
  5. OH WAIT NO IT GETS WORSE. Then, THEN, it says to set your alarm for five hours after you fall asleep, make yourself stay awake for an hour concentrating on lucid dreaming and LUCID DREAMING ONLY, then fall back to sleep. LISTEN. Who has all this TIME for this shit? I’m lucky if I sleep 4-5 hours a night, lately. I don’t have time for effing with my alarm clock and talking to myself and nonsense like this. I just want to fly a magical dream pegasus. WHERE IS MY DREAM PEGASUS.
  6. Then it tells you to meditate for a while and that might make you lucid dream? This one’s confusing, let’s skip it.
  7. Ugh, this one is also about meditating. If you fall asleep while meditating, you might be doing it wrong.
  8. Write the letter “A” on your hand with a magic marker. Look at it ALL DAY LONG. It will remind you that you are awake! A FOR AWAKE! And then when you are asleep, you will look at your hand! And there will be NO A! And you will BAM! Realize you are DREAMING! Or maybe you’ll think, “No A. A for asleep” and then go right back to regular boring non-pegasus dreaming, I don’t know. Also, writing on your hand makes you look like a crazy. SIDE NOTE. I always have writing on my hands, do what you will with that information.
  9. ZOMG this one is the best so far, ready? OK, so WikiHow wants you to perform “reality checks” throughout the day, and then you’ll also do it in your dreams, eventually, and then realize you’re dreaming. Therefore calling the pegasuses. Pegasi? I don’t know. Here are some reality checks, according to WikiHow. (Also, please ignore the numbers in front of these, I can’t make them go away and WordPress is being a jerky jerk and it’s REALLY REALLY LATE AT NIGHT)
    • Looking in a mirror (your image will most often appear blurry or not appear at all in a dream). However, your figure can be horribly disfigured in a mirror, frightening you into nightmare or a dream; WTF THIS IS NIGHTMARISH
    •  Pinching your nose closed and trying to breathe; UGH NO THANKS
    •  Glancing at your hands, and asking yourself, “am I dreaming?” (when dreaming, you will most often see greater or fewer than five fingers on your hand); AAAHHHH
    •  Jumping in the air; you are usually able to fly during dreams YES PEGASUSES HERE I COME
    •  Poking yourself; when dreaming, your “flesh” might be more elastic than in real life; a common reality check is pushing your finger through the palm of your hand; WHY ARE YOU RUINING THIS FOR ME WIKIHOW
    •  Try leaning against a wall. In dreams, you will often fall through walls. STOP IT STOP IT RIGHT NOW
  10. Apparently you can prolong your lucid dreams by spinning around in your dreams (and maybe turning into butter?) or rubbing your hands (like Mr. Burns?) Odd.
  11. Look through your Dream Journal constantly. It will give you signs. Ooh! Will it tell me to swing away, Merrill? Will the aliens melt when touched by water, even though they came to a planet that is mostly water? Will asthma SAVE MY SON’S LIIIIIFFFEEE?

OK. These are not very good tips. None of them seem to make Joseph Gordon- Levitt appear in a suit, or pegasuses.

FINE. I’ll do it MYSELF. Stupid lucid dreams.

ZOMG. What is happening here WHAT IS HAPPENING. Unicorn! Pegasus! FIGHTING? And there's a wizard? Are they in the air? How did that unicorn get up there, unicorns can't fly. I'm getting this airbrushed on my panel van.

Aah. This makes it all better, right? Right.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

31 responses to “It’s only a matter of time before I’m riding a pegasus with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, this is going to be great.

  • sj

    ohhhhh, JGL – I will fight you for him? Wait, no…fighting is bad. Can we share? Who would’ve thought that TOMMY SOLOMON would turn into such a hottie? AND HE CAN SING! Hoo boy.

    Anyway, the only dreams I remember are the crazy dreams that are just super weird. I never remember the good dreams. Well, occasionally, but then I get sad because the good dreams don’t happen frequently enough.

    Also “(In case you’re wondering, wooing is a euphemism. For boning.)” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA! I am still laughing at that.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Isn’t he the best? Have you seen “Brick?” If not, rent (or Netflix or whatever the kids are doing these days) IMMEDIATELY. He is so wonderful in it. Also, the movie’s great.

      Yay! I giggled at my euphemism, too! :)

      Like

  • zippy219

    You’re clearly giving humanity way too much credit thinking they would read the instructions on the side of the tampon box. Also, without getting too graphic, I have a feeling if you could find out who was using that Google search I really doubt that many of them would be teenage girls. I remember learing about such things from the girls at school; to this day I have never read the instructions on the box.

    I’m sorry, Amy. You right such awesome blogs and I always fixate on some small sub-plot. I’ll try to get with the program and fixate on the entire plot for an appropriate comment. : )

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Ew ew ew is the tampon thing a SEX thing? EW EW EW.

      I think I had to read the instructions. I can’t imagine talking to someone about it. I was a very repressed little Amy.

      I think you’re allowed to concentrate on whatever strikes your fancy. There’s a lot going on here. You can pick and choose. It’s all fair game!

      Like

      • zippy219

        And I feel like a huge douchecanoe for not spelling write correctly. *sigh* I read your blogs everyday at my desk while I eat my lunch and clearly typing, chewing and minimizing the screen when people walk by is just too much for my little brain.

        I didn’t mean a sex thing. I mean I’m sure it’s possible but I was thinking along the lines of pranks, hazing and such. In my experience teenage boys (and grown up boys) are equally repulsed and curious about feminine hygiene products. They will not buy them for their women but will buy them if they can make a buddy look like an enormous loser with a birthday gift wrapped in an Always box or give somebody’s care a fringe skirt of tampons. Which I think is ridculous, I mean if they had to buy them every month, it’s a huge waste cause those things are expensive!

        Like

  • blogginglily

    How to jumpstart a car – Car thieves don’t jumpstart cars, Amy. Car thieves HOT WIRE cars. Jumpstarting cars is what you do when the battery is dead. Good Samaritans jumpstart cars. I guess arguably you could jumpstart a car, then punch the person who owns it and THEN steal their car, but typically car thieves want their cars to be operable.

    The older I get the fewer dreams I remember, but when i was younger I used to occasionally have lucid dreams (as defined above). Typically though it was in response to a nightmare. . . a dream would get really scary, and then I’d change it to something better. And it’s not like I could ALWAYS do it, just sometimes.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I might have hinted at lucid dreaming in my sleep post: heinakroon.com/2012/01/28/to-sleep-and-perchance-to-dream/ but I find it easier to just program my brain to respond in appropriate ways in my dreams by repeating commands before falling asleep. This is especially efficient to conquer recurring nightmares.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Oh look! You’ve found an European robin! Doesn’t it look positively evil?

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Those fishtail braids look like what girls in Scandinavia have been using for years. Is this now popular? Weird.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Apparently, you Scandinavians are WAY AHEAD OF THE CURVE when it comes to what’s cool. I’m not surprised. I mean, look at you! THE COOLEST.

      Like

    • Bronwyn

      my mum used to braid my hair like that when i was wee… i had no idea they were back in fashion!! but then, my hair isn’t so much long enough for braids these days!

      Like

      • lucysfootball

        My mom could never do french braids. She tried but they came out weird. Plus I have the most intractable hair alive. It was usually just up in a ponytail – it’s about the only thing you can do with it!

        Like

        • Bronwyn

          my hair just does what it wants… i’m okay with it! sometimes it’s happy being braided, sometimes not so much. it never really tangles, though, so that’s good! :)

          Like

  • lahikmajoe

    Ok, just so you know: the other day, when you said you were broken because you don’t remember your dreams, I wanted to ask if you knew about lucid dreaming.

    Although it sounds insane, there really are ways you can manipulate/control your dreams. Andreas mentioned some that’re quite good.

    The dream journal is also good to help remember your dreams…do you always bolt out of bed or do you sometimes wake slowly?

    I’d sit here and talk more about this, but I’m in desperate need of some sleep perchance to dream.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I had heard of it before I wrote this, yes. Just didn’t know this much about it. Other than the insanity that was Inception, of course.

      I think I have to HAVE dreams before I can control them. I always bolt out of bed. I never wake slowly. I don’t do ANYTHING slowly. Things to DO, Ken! Words to WRITE! People to TALK to! And I’m being completely serious – the last dream I remember any part of was in late summer of 2011. If I had a dream journal, it’d be blank.

      Enjoy your dreaming of cheese.

      Like

  • Bronwyn

    i can’t imagine NOT remembering my dreams… i’ve never been much good at sleeping, but when i *do* sleep i dream like CRAZY! :)

    i have really vivid dreams with super-realistic colour and, oddly enough, sometimes scents and sounds.

    i learned how to exert at least a *little* control over my dreams when i was wee and used to suffer a bit from night terrors. now i rarely have nightmares because i can redirect them if they start to get creepy… not lucid dreaming, i don’t think. more like nudging my dreams in a new direction. :)

    Like

  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    I miss so much when I am gone for a few days. I’ll have to go back and read about the robin and all the other stuff I missed.

    My dreams are the suck. I dream about sitting in front of my computer not being able to figure out new software and making grocery lists and endlessly doing thankless tasks. I basically relive my life, without the fun parts. Things did get a little more interesting when I was on vacation, so it was like I got…a dream vacation? That’s stupid. There was wooing, though. *winks*

    I have considered working on lucid dreaming, but I am not really looking for new projects right now. Good luck with yours! I want to know, when you are riding a pegasus, do your legs get fwapped by the wings? When you find out I would like an update, please.

    Like

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