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Apparently there’s something to the word “birdbrain.” Who knew?

Happy Monday! OK, fine, there’s nothing overly happy about a Monday, I know. Sorry. Happy…um…

Oh, shit, check this out. It is RECONCILIATION DAY.

You thought I was KIDDING! Nope.

Apparently, April 2 is the day Ann Landers set aside in 1989 to:

…patch relationships and to make amends. Its intention is to re-establish relationships between family, friends and couples. Life is too short to hold a grudge between those we love.

Estranged couples may find today to be an opportunity to work out their problems. People who have had a “falling out” with family members are encouraged to reach out and “mend the fence”.

For those considering a reconciliation, the old saying is “It’s never too late”. But, that is not true. Someday, it could be too late. So, please use today to begin your reconciliation.

Ugh. This is way crunchy-granola-touchy-feely, right?

Dear Ann Landers, even though I’m pretty sure you’re dead. Sometimes, the people you’ve had a falling-out with are BEST LEFT FALLEN OUT WITH. Your life is SO MUCH BETTER without those people in it. Sometimes, they try to contact you? And your whole stomach hurts because you wish they would just disappear or maybe move to Zimbabwe where there is no internet. (I don’t know if there’s internet in Zimbabwe. I just like the way that country sounds. ZIMBABWE.)  I don’t want a Reconciliation Day. I want a National Leave Me the Hell Alone, I Made the Right Decision the First Time When I Kicked You to the Curb Day. Let’s do that, OK?

In happier news, today is also National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day. THIS IS A HOLIDAY I CAN GET BEHIND. I’m totally eating PB&J daily lately. It’s like a smile in my lunch bag waiting for me at breaktime.

It’s also International Children’s Book Day and the birthday of Hans Christian Andersen, so if you have a kiddo, you should read them The Little Mermaid, or The Ugly Duckling, or something equally moody and Danish.

This could possibly be the best thing ever photographed. This gave me such a smile.

OK, so celebrate one of these things. That’d be nice. Do that. Or just go to work and drudge drudge drudge, if you must. But I can guarantee you it wouldn’t be as much fun as eating PB&J while reading The Little Mermaid. (Screw the reconciliation garbage, those people can go shit in a hat.)

In other news: three people won the gigantic Mega Millions recently which was up to $640 million dollars. Those people lived in Kentucky, Illinois, and Maryland. As you can see, none of those people live in New York. This made EVERYONE I KNOW VERY CRESTFALLEN. I think that’s humorous, because most of those people? Seemed to think they had a chance of winning. One of my more practical coworkers told me you had a better chance of getting hit by lightning 200 times than winning that lottery drawing. I had a better chance of waking up switched into Dumbcat’s body, as I didn’t play. I feel like playing the lottery is like putting your money to the crack in your car window as you’re driving 90 down the highway. (I mean, WHO DRIVES 90 DOWN THE HIGHWAY SURELY NOT ME.) I think you have a similar chance of payback on your investment with both forms of “spending” your money. I like my money to go toward things that I can touch. Like cheese. And pudding. And cat food. And laptops.

ZOMG the Mega Millions mascot! SO NIGHTMARISH! It's like that Burger King king used to be! GAH!

Anyway, I have friends who live in Maryland. So I’m fairly sure they’re the winners of the Mega Millions, only they’re keeping it on the downlow because they’ve posted on Facebook since the drawing and made no mention of it. R. & A., since you are now the winners of the Mega Millions, please feel free to donate to my trip to Europe. I will send your soon-t0-be-born daughter and my unofficial niece MANY EUROPEAN SOUVENIRS. Also, instead of me taking the Amtrak to see you this summer, maybe you could drive me there in a stretch Hummer. I always wondered what kind of assholes rode in those. I WOULD LIKE TO BE ONE OF THOSE KIND OF ASSHOLES, R. AND A.

This is totally not a post with a point. Listen, the sooner I get this shit written, the sooner I can get out of these sleepy pajamas, put on some clothes, and go laptop shopping. CUT ME SOME SLACK JACK.

Oh, two new people I know in REALLY REAL LIFE are reading the blog. Let’s say hi to N., who is a wonderful website designer and actor and human being and about to become a dad, I just found out! HI N.! And also K.! Listen, K. reading this makes me super-smiley-happy. K. and I used to work together at the animal shelter, many moons ago. She was my favorite coworker. Here is a story. I feel like I told you all this once before but my search tab isn’t being helpful. Well, if you heard this before, you can stop me. Oh, wait, you can’t. Oh, well, skip over it or whatever. Or don’t, it’s really funny.

K. was in charge of accounts payable and receivable and I was in charge of the reception area at the humane society. So we were the two working at the front most of the time, and the other people were in the back with the animals. So when things were slow, we’d chat.

One day, she was all, “Amy?” and I came in, and she said, “Look at this pile of applications the boss gave me,” and we were hiring, and there was a pile, and I said, “OK,” and she said, “now read the response to ‘have you ever been charged with a felony’ on this one.”

Some guy had written “Yes, I killed my best friend and was arrested for it. I’M SO SO SORRY.”

K. and I just looked at each other and tried to have serious faces for about fourteen seconds but then we just busted out laughing until we were CRYING and SNOTTY because WHO WRITES SOMETHING LIKE THAT. I mean, maybe it was a drunk driving incident, or something like that. Fine. Things happen. But why did he PHRASE it like that? You don’t PHRASE it like that. You write “Yes, 2010, vehicular manslaughter, please inquire for details” or something equally professional. “I’M SO SO SORRY?” Oh, so awful. So sad and awful.

So we laughed until we cried, and then for WEEKS we were all, “I’m SO SO SORRY” to each other and that’s all it took to set us off into giggle fits. It bears note that K. and I were not children. I was in my mid-twenties and K. was – hell, I’m awful with ages. Mid-forties? GIGGLE FITS. Like TEENAGERS.

We knew it wasn’t funny. Which is why it was funny.

K. and I still write letters to each other. With PEN! And PAPER! And I told her about the blog, and she wrote that she’s reading it! And I said, hey, someday I’ll say hi to you, K.! So, hi, K.! I miss working with you every day. You will always be one of the best people I’ve ever worked with in the history of ever. You always got my insane humor, and could calm me down when I was stompy. Also, you loved animals as much as I did, and were totally there the day I found Dumbcat for the first time. I MISS YOU, K.!

Two more things, then I’m hitting the hay. OK, there’s no real hay. It’s METAPHOR hay.

I GOT THE LAPTOP!

Please interject happy cheers and whoo-hoos and clapping and such…NOW.

It is just about the cheapest one they had at Best Buy (which is totally the Buy More from Chuck, bee tee dubs. I’ve totally never been in a Best Buy before. I know, it’s like I’m not even Merkan. But most of the Geek Squad looked a LOT more like Jeffster than like Chuck. That was a major letdown.)

More this...

...than this. Just saying.

BUT I am ASSURED it will do what I need it to, which is a., word process (ALSO, was anyone aware that buying Microsoft Word was A HUNDRED EFFING DOLLARS? I wasn’t buying CRACK COCAINE for the love of Pete. I was buying WORD PROCESSING SOFTWARE!), b., get on the interwebs so I can blog, and c.,  have a webcam so I can FINALLY use Skype like a normal human being.

I don’t have wireless for it until Tuesday or Wednesday, so until then, it’s a very pretty gunmetal gray box that makes pretty musical notes when I boot it up? But NEW LAPTOP! That cost AS MUCH AS MY RENT!

I’ve never bought anything that cost as much as my rent all at once in my life. That total almost made me have an aneurysm, and also on the way to my car I was sure I was going to be mugged by hoodlums. Possibly those teen hoodlums at the mall I keep hearing about.

THEN, when I got HOME, my parents had the following story for me:

Mom: You are never going to guess what is HAPPENING here.
Me: No. Probably not.
Mom: A BIRD is smashing over and over into our WINDOW.
Me: What? Why?
Mom: We don’t know. We think it’s deranged.
Me: Explain, please.
Mom: There is a robin with a VERY SHIFTY LOOK IN ITS EYE and it sits in the tree. Then it flies to the window. Then it flies up, and BASHES into the window. It’s been doing it every 2-3 minutes for five hours.

Sure, it LOOKS innocent, until it gets all WINDOW-BASHY.

Me: What? Why isn’t it dead?
Mom: We don’t know. Your father went outside to shoo it away but it ignored him.
Me: Oh, I bet he didn’t like that.
Mom: No. He wants to open the window, let it in the house, then it will get disoriented. Then he will open the back door and fly out there and get lost so it can’t find the front window again.

(Then I heard in the background my dad saying “YOU ARE TELLING HER ALL THE GOOD STUFF GIVE ME THE PHONE!”)

Dad: That dumb bird. I want to shoot it.
Me: No. You can’t shoot a robin. You’d kill spring. That’s like a sign of spring.
Dad: Good. At least then I wouldn’t have to hear that thing smacking into my window every few minutes. Can you even believe it ignored me?
Me: That’s very insubordinate of it, yes.
Dad: Also, it keeps rubbing up against the siding, so it has white stuff all over its feathers. Then it runs into the window. Now the window is all smeared with white stuff.
Me: Maybe it’s poo.
Dad: It’s not POO. There’s no POO on the window.
Me: I don’t know. I’m not there.
Dad: I’m going to put you on speaker so you can hear this.
Me: I trust you. I don’t have to hear a kamikaze bird.
Dad: ARE YOU ON SPEAKER NOW?
Me: I don’t know, I’m not THERE. Am I?
Dad: No.
Me: OK. Then I’m not. Did you hit the speaker button?
Dad: THERE IT GOES AGAIN YOU MISSED IT.
Me: Sorry. Guess it’s because I wasn’t on speaker.
Dad: ARE YOU ON SPEAKER NOW?
Me: I don’t KNOW, Dad. Am I on speaker now?
Dad: Yes. Shh. Listen.

(We then had five minutes of him saying “shh…shhh…DID YOU HEAR THAT?” over and over. I heard NOTHING.)

Dad: You’re just pretending you don’t hear that.
Me: Why would I do that? That seems like a mean prank to pull.
Dad: It IS April Fools’ Day.
Me: I assure you, if I wanted to be a douchebag I could do better than that.
Dad: Yeah, probably. Why do you think this bird is doing this? I think it’s someone’s pet that’s escaped and it was tested on by the government.
Me: That seems unlikely.
Dad: Oh, you don’t know the half of it.
Me: Hey, this is like that movie The Birds. Only it’s an indie version. On a low budget. It’s The Bird. It’s not very scary and no one would go to see it.

Hee! This was totally the scene at my house today.

SIDE NOTE: Dad called me up at 8pm, so about four hours later, and told me, in a VERY CONSPIRATORIAL WHISPER (I assume as to not WAKE the bird) that it had stopped the window-bashing. When I asked where the bird was, he said, “It’s in the tree, asleep. I’m keeping an eye on it.”

I’ll keep you updated with the saga of the bird. This is very exciting. I think it might have been sent by Helper Mule, honestly. Or it’s a sign of the apocalypse. Either way.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

35 responses to “Apparently there’s something to the word “birdbrain.” Who knew?

  • Mindy Sitton (@msittontx)

    Um, Amy, I drive 90 down the highway. I do so only way out in West Texas of course, where there’s nothing but you and miles and miles and miles of highway. Truth be told, I once was tailing an 18 wheeler on one of these highways to benefit from the wind effect and found myself going over 100 mph. Andreas will know the technical term for that. I was in a Dodge pickup truck, no less! You would have thought I was driving a Porsche.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I have a lead foot on the highway. I’m ok on smaller roads but MAN put me on a highway and if I don’t put the cruise control on, I am FLYING. And (don’t look, cops) I have never once been pulled over for speeding. A couple other things, but never speeding. I have no idea how that’s the case.

      Like

  • sj

    HAHAHAHAHA!

    ZOMG, IT’S A RUSSIAN ROBINNNNNNNNNNNN! This made my crappy day so much better, Amy. Thank you so much. SO SO MUCH.

    [nod]

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Yay for Dad stories! They make every day better. He’s the best.

      You are going to be SO EXCITED when he and I go to Florida together for a whole week at the end of the month. Dad stories as far as the eye can SEE!

      Like

      • sj

        I laughed really hard at him yelling that your mom was telling you all the best parts.

        I CAN’T WAIT for this Florida trip.

        Wait, you’ll blog from Florida, right?

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          Yep – that was one of the selling points of getting the laptop, so I could keep up with the blogging when I travel (I’m going on at least 5 trips this year!)

          The Florida trip is going to be AWESOME. I’m so excited! Less than 3 weeks!

          Like

  • blogginglily

    The dad-bird story was very amusing. Here’s a link about WHY it’s happening: http://www.massaudubon.org/Nature_Connection/wildlife/index.php?subject=Birds:%20Behavior&id=17

    It is attacking itself to keep itself out of it’s “territory”. It will not win that fight, I can assure you. I think there are stickers or things you can put on your window so the dumbass bird stops attacking its reflection.

    Also. . . important piece of the K story was missing. . . did you hire the guy?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Jim wins over my parents AGAIN! They were super-impressed with your smart linkage.

      We didn’t even interview the guy. The boss wanted to call him in, but we were all, “Um…don’t. Here, call these people instead, they didn’t kill their best friend or write weird things on the potential felony line.”

      Like

  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    Oh Amy, you didn’t have to buy MS Word! There is a wonderful FREE version of MS Office called “Open Office”. It isn’t some shady, chock-full of ads ‘free’, either. It’s as functional as MS Office for 99% of users, and, did I mention it’s FREE?? It’s 100% compatible with MS Word docs, too, so you can open all your old docs in it, with no problem. It also takes up less disk space. (And, FYI, I’m a software engineer with a master’s degree in Computer Science, so I know a wee bit about these computer thingies! Next time, ASK ME for advice before laying down your hard earned $$, ‘kay?)

    Like

    • Andreas Heinakroon

      I really don’t like Open Office! I’m no Microslave but I do think Microsoft Office is the best. But I’ll leave it at that, as I don’t want to start a flame war.

      Like

      • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

        Hmm, I use MS Office exclusively at work, and like it, no doubt. But I use Open Office at home, and like it just as much. And the cost differential makes it a win-win for me. Plus, if you installed it and didn’t like it, you’re not out any money, either. :-)

        But, hey, I’m not so attached to it that I’d flame you for not liking it. It’s just software.

        Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’ve heard a lot of negative things about Open Office – I did do research before purchasing, I always do. I know Word, I use Word daily, and I’m comfortable with Word. There’d be no learning curve for me. It was the better choice.

      Like

      • Kris Rudin

        Oh, ok. I just didn’t want you spending money you didn’t have to. But if you know about OO and wanted Word anyway, then great! I was just trying to help. ;)

        Like

  • MsDarkstar

    I am 110% behind “National Leave Me the Hell Alone, I Made the Right Decision the First Time When I Kicked You to the Curb Day.” And you’re going to probably ban me from ever again posting a comment when I tell you that it’s my Dad that I am not speaking to but to be fair, he’s not contacted me at all since December of 2010 right after he got married (which I only found out about because his then-housemate, now-wife changed her name on Facebook.. HER kids were a) in attendance and b) thrilled to death at this turn of events. Oh! And! Now-Wife has a daughter with the same first name as me. But she’s younger and more successful and married to a successful man so I pretty much got kicked to the curb for someone with my first name who is younger, cuter and more successful… so, I guess she’s like a trophy daughter instead of a trophy wife… anyhow, since the whole marriage and acquisition of new (grown up) kids, I’ve been persona non grata) At the very least, if YOUR Dad finds out about this, he is going to be 100% sure that I am one of the serial killer internet people. And sic his psychotic bird friend on me.

    Funny thing, I’ve used Skype for phone calls but never for video chat. Because really, who wants to see me sitting in my grubbies with a cat perched on my shoulder? The only person I ever call, anyway, is my mom. The Girl text messages me as does Mr. POSSLQ. Everyone else gets ahold of me on Twitter or Facebook. Oh, wait… my friend Stephie Pretty text messages me, too. And emails. But most of my friends live on the Internetz, so I (if your Dad is correct) have a pretty high risk factor when it comes to being offed by Internet people.

    In regards to the job app dude. I would have called him for an interview just so I would know what he looked like. So that if, in the future, I had a blind date or an internet dating site tried to hook me up I would know what The Repentant Killer looked like. And don’t think that people don’t do that because I’ve had 2 people come right out and tell me that the ONLY reason they scheduled an interview with me was to find out what someone with my last name looks like. And I am pretty certain on both occasions they were shocked at how completely normal I am. I think they were sortve thinking I was the sort of person who would write “Yes, I killed my best friend and was arrested for it. I’M SO SO NOT AT ALL SORRY” on a job application. But the world is safe because I haven’t had a best friend since the LAST person I THOUGHT was my best friend told me that she didn’t want to speak to me anymore because I was leaving the Wasband. He then ended up living in her house for almost 2 years after he got evicted from his apartment and she found out firsthand why I left. (Well, I don’t think she found out ALL of the reasons because I don’t think her hubby would have approved of her finding out about ALL of his…”dysfunctions”…)

    I’ll end my novella-length comment now. Sorry I keep doing this, but your posts just give me so much material to address..

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I have no issue with kicking a family member – even your dad – to the curb. I know how lucky I am to have the amazing family I do. I know a lot of people don’t have as close of a relationship with theirs. It’s sometimes better to cut ties, and it sounds like it was, for you.

      I’ve never video-chatted. It will be an adventure.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    1. They do indeed have internet in Zimbabwe.
    2. I only tried peanut butter jelly for the very first time a few months ago. I like it!
    3. Congrats on getting a new laptop!
    4. Oh, it was a robin. That’s alright, robins are vicious birds. I bet he sees his own reflection in the window and flies there to attack it. As much as I like the idea of a robin bashing its head into a pane of glass, if you want to stop it just fasten a silhouette of a bird of prey in the window. That’ll scare him off.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I have no idea how you know they have internet in Zimbabwe, but if Andreas says it, I immediately believe it!

      I can’t believe you only tried peanut butter & jelly a few months ago! It is the BEST! It’s what I grew up eating. And still eat. Regularly. Because apparently my tastebuds have not changed much since I was five.

      YAY LAPTOP! Should be internet-ready tomorrow or Wednesday, fingers crossed!

      That’s what Jim’s link said about the robin – it was attacking its own reflection. Stupid robin! I thought they were so nice and cheery until I found out they were ATTACK BIRDS!

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        Yes, robins are vicious – real bird bullies! (Although I understand what we call a robin is not the same species that you colonials call a robin; it’s all very confusing and WRONG!).

        I don’t actually KNOW what kind of internet coverage they have in Zimbabwe, but when I was teaching web design in Nairobi, they had dial-up modems. This was some time ago, though (and in Kenya, not Zimbabwe), but they probably have broadband or mobile internet nowadays.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          What’s your robin, I wonder?

          WAIT A MINUTE. First we find out about the butcher situation. THEN the big fancy scientist who got to name new species. And NOW we find out you were TEACHING WEB DESIGN IN NAIROBI???? Were you IN Nairobi, or was it something you did via distance-learning online?

          Andreas, you have lived a million lives, I swear. All of them more interesting than my entire one.

          Like

          • Andreas Heinakroon

            The European robin is a Muscicapidae (old world flycatcher), whilst the North American one is a Turdidae (thrush), so they’re only distantly related. Both seem to be vicious creatures though, often attacking and even killing other birds without apparent provocation.

            And yes, I stayed in Nairobi (or Nairobbery as it’s sometimes lovingly called), but it was just for a short period many years ago.

            Also, the jury is still out on that whole reincarnation theory, but if true I doubt I’ve lived a million lives, probably more like 8. Or perhaps 13.

            Like

            • lucysfootball

              Attacking and killing other birds? ROBINS? That’s insane! They seem so cheery!

              Seriously, Andreas! You are the most interesting. Nairobi! How cool is THAT? The MOST cool, is how much!

              I was counting today, and I think I am currently in the midst of my fifth life. Do I get nine? Like cats? I think I’m saving up the other four for emergencies, because I’m still really enjoying this one.

              Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    P.S. I meant to tell you: I really like your new blog design! And I do appreciate all the pretty pictures in you’re blog posts nowadays! It really helps a silly old man like me to keep up with the reading. Thank you!

    Like

  • jbrown3079

    The Shifty- Eyed Robin is notorious for hating windows. You could suggest lining the window with aluminum foil. I don’t rhink that would solve anything. It would be funny to hear the results of the experiment.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Ha! I have an update to the bird story for tomorrow’s blog. It’s…anticlimactic. Boo.

      I can just imagine my dad lining his windows with tinfoil. It’d be only one step away from a tinfoil hat for him!

      Like

  • Anonymous

    Or The Little Match Girl. That’s always been one of my favorite Hans Christian Anderson stories. You remember his original ending to The Little Mermaid? Yeesh. Not that I don’t like dark endings to fairy tales.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I love that ending! So dark and twisted! I also love The Little Match Girl. I had a book of all the originals when I was a kid, and I remember being so let down when the Disney Little Mermaid came out (I don’t know why I was surprised – Disney wasn’t going to have her DIE or anything!)

      Like

  • JamieRene

    Who died and made Ann Landers a Mayan? Or President. Or whoever the hell it is that makes the calendar days. Do you have to have some sort of license for that? Because I’ve got a few days that I’d like to smash in there. “Jamie Day” being numero uno. And we would celebrate by laying patent leather Manolo Blahniks at all of the new Jamie altars. And then we would have nachos with green chile instead of jalapeno. And it would be good, and full of rejoicing and fancy shoes.
    Also, I’m kinda thinking Easter at your Mom and Dad’s is gonna be amazing. And I’m kinda sad I can’t be Skyped in just to make sure I don’t miss any bird or helper mule related brilliance.
    And now I’m off to reconcile peanut butter and apricot jelly followed by a reading of Harold and The Purple Crayon. Toodles!!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Ann Landers did all kinds of kooky stuff. Also, I’ll probably be kicked out of the human race for this? But I didn’t think her advice was always the best. I KNOW! Sometimes it was way too touchy-feely for me. She was really forgiving. I’m a little more vengeful, I guess. So I suppose she’ll be playing a harp with the angels while I hang out in eternal hellfire someday or whatever.

      I’m actually not going home for Easter – the only holiday I go home for is Christmas. So I won’t know about the shenanigans! I’ll talk to them, though, so if shenanigans are had, I’ll be up to date.

      Like

      • JamieRene

        Dude!! Agreed on the Ann Landers!! There has to be a place with angels that are more pro-logic, or angels that feel a little less mush about things. Ooo!! Like the archangels, I think they probably think Ann Landers was a little too touchy-feely too!! I think you’d get a sword instead of harp though.
        Here’s hoping your Easter’s filled with amazingness, and shenaningans galore, wherever you are!!

        Like

  • elaine4queen

    lucky the mule didn’t do the job himself.

    not sure how long the window would have lasted.

    Like

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