Happy April Fools’ Day!
Listen, I HATE APRIL FOOLS’ DAY. Hate it. HATE. IT.
I don’t like tricks or trickery or BEING tricked or being PART of tricks. I think tricks are the meanest and the most stupid. They make me stabby.
“But they’re all in FUN!” Fun for whom? Fun for the people PULLING the tricks. Not fun for the people upon whom the trick is being played. That person feels like an asshole and like his or her friends don’t love him or her. Do you really want to make your friends feel like you hate them? DO YOU? Then you’re a bag of dicks.
Last night, my dad informed me that every year, my grandfather used to play very elaborate tricks on my poor gullible grandmother. And every year, she’d be all, “I hate tricks! This year I will not fall for them!” and every year he’d stage one EVEN MORE ELABORATE and EVERY YEAR she’d fall for it. And my mom piped in and said, “Yeah, and then he’d sleep on the couch for two weeks and he had to make his own dinner,” which kind of made me laugh because my grandparents were this very traditional farming couple and that just WAS NOT DONE. But apparently he’d do things like “Hey! Come quick! THE COWS ALL GOT OUT!” and my poor grandmother would run out and he’d be standing there laughing at her. That doesn’t seem like a very good joke but apparently that’s the height of farming tomfoolery.
Listen, I loved my grandfather very much, but that was really a dick move. My poor nervous grandmother. She’s still nervous NOW! She listens to the fire and rescue scanner and is convinced every single call that doesn’t have a name attached is the death of one of her loved ones and then she burns up the phone lines finding out if that’s the case. She is VERY NERVOUS. Like a shell-shocked KITTEN, my grandmother. Playing April Fools’ tricks on her is VERY MEAN.
Wikipedia tells me this interesting tidbit about April Fools’ Day:
In France and Italy children (and adults, when appropriate) traditionally tack paper fish on each other’s back as a trick and shout “april fish!” in their local language (“poisson d’avril!” and “pesce d’aprile!” in French and Italian respectively).
What? April FISH? Now, see, this trick would not annoy me. Not even a little bitty bit. April fish? That’s ABSURD and AWESOME. I would totally be down with April fish.
Also, Wikipedia tells me April Fools’ Day is all Chaucer’s fault because he was the first person to write about it in The Canterbury Tales. That might be an April Fools’ Day prank, though. I don’t know. I’ve never read The Canterbury Tales. I KNOW DON’T EVEN START. Listen, I have a lot of books to read in the world, and working my way through The Canterbury Tales isn’t high on my priority list, ok?
Oh, wait, here’s another awesome thing from another country. This one’s for Andreas. Well, by extension. It’s in his neck of the woods. His SOON-TO-BE neck of the woods. Let me be clear.
May 1st is also celebrated in Sweden as an alternative joking day. When someone has been fooled in Sweden, to disclose that it was a joke, the fooler says the rhyme “April April din dumma sill, jag kan lura dig vart jag vill” (April, April, you stupid herring, I can fool you to wherever I want”) for April 1st jokes, or “Maj maj måne, jag kan lura dig till Skåne” (May May moon, I can fool you into Scania) for May 1st jokes. Both Danes and Swedes also celebrate April Fools’ Day (“aprilsnar” in Danish). Pranks on May 1, are much less frequent. Most Swedish news media outlets will publish exactly one false story on April 1, for newspapers this will typically be a first-page article but not the top headline.
There are so many things here to comment on, I can’t even.
- “you stupid herring, I can fool you to wherever I want.” What is WITH Scandinavian countries and the HERRING? Seriously, Andreas. It’s like your people have a herring-obsession. Now I have to eat some herring to see what it tastes like so I know why there are all these herring-references. Also, “you stupid herring” is my new favorite saying, and I will be calling Dumbcat that all day today. He’s sleeping and snoring SO LOUD right now that he won’t mind a bit or an ounce.
- Why are there TWO days of tomfoolery? Both April AND May 1? That’s the meanest thing I’ve ever heard, even with those cute rhymes.
- “I can fool you into Scania.” What’s Scania, I wonder? THAT’S certainly mysterious.
- “for newspapers, this will typically be a first-page article, but not the top headline.” I like how specific this is. NOT THE TOP HEADLINE FOR THE LOVE OF PETE. Don’t even THINK of putting it on top. Also, “exactly” one news story. DON’T WRITE TWO OF THEM, INGRID, DAMMIT! ONLY ONE!
OK, so enough about the tomfoolery of the day, ok? NO FOOLING OF PEOPLE. I hate it and it’s stupid.
Instead of today being April Fools’ Day, it’s going to be NEW LAPTOP and GAME OF THRONES day in the Amy household. And there will be much rejoicing.
Yes, as soon as I finish writing this, and then writing TOMORROW’S blog which I haven’t even begun to think about what it might be about, I’m off to the big mall (gulp) to check out the laptop selection. Big mall is big. My old roommate and I used to joke that it made us dehydrated, it’s so big. We used to have to preemptively stop for Orange Julius. Also, there used to be roaming gangs of teenage thugs until they instituted a law that all minors had to be accompanied by an adult. I KNOW. Gangs of teen THUGS. Insane, right?
Then, by Tuesday, my wireless…router? I don’t know what the hell, probably that’s what it’s called – will show up in the mail from the cable company. They assure me that I will be able to set that up myself. That made me laugh til I almost choked, but whatever. I like that kind of confidence in me, Time Warner Cable, I really do.
THEN THEN THEN. I will be ONLINE. With my LAPTOP. I can BLOG while watching TELEVISION. I can bring my laptop WITH me places. Like to…oh, well, shit, I don’t ever go anywhere but if I DID, I could BRING it there. Oh, well, to FLORIDA! I will bring the laptop to Florida. And I can blog! At the end of the month! When I am on vacation with my dad! Won’t that be fun? Yes, yes it will. Also, it will have a CAMERA THAT WORKS. So hypothetically, I could take VIDEOS of me acting like a WEIRDO. I know it! This really is filled with delicious possibilities. Cut it out, Ding Dong Joe. Not videos of naughtiness, you’ll have to go elsewhere for those.
Then TONIGHT! At NINE PEE EMM! GAME OF THROOONNNESSSS!
I could not be more excited about this if you gave me THREE DUMBCATS.
I called my cable company Friday to order HBO. Because I’m poor and I don’t use it except when Game of Thrones or True Blood are on? Then when they’re done, I disconnect them immediately. I had the following conversation with the guy at the call center.
Me: I need to add a channel to my lineup.
Call Center Guy: GREAT! Let’s talk about your WANTS and NEEDS.
Me: I want HBO. Because I NEED to watch Game of Thrones on Sunday.
CCG: What if we could get you a deal where you could get other premium channels?
Me: Are there additional never-before-seen episodes of Game of Thrones on those channels?
CCG: I wouldn’t think so, no.
Me: Then I can’t imagine how those would benefit me. GAME OF THRONES CHANNEL ONLY PLEASE.
Eventually he talked me into getting HBO, Cinemax, and an upgrade to the speed of my interwebs for only $5 more a month than it would have cost for just HBO. I feel like I might have been scammed, but he did offer to talk about my wants and needs, and that’s the first time a guy’s offered to do that since high school. I felt really special, you know?
When I told my Dad I’d have Cinemax for a few months he said, “That’s called Skinemax” and when I said, “I don’t think it is” he said, “No, it is, because of porn.” What say you, minions? Is this a thing? And if so, EW DAD, am I right? That’s not a thing a dad should a., know, and b., SAY. Also, there’s porn? On my TV? Is it GOOD porn? I haven’t even turned ON my TV in two days. I’m curious about this porn allegation. Is my extra $5 a month for porn? OH ZOMG IS IT GAME OF THRONES PORN?!?!?!?!?
Anyway, check these out. NO SERIOUSLY CHECK THESE OUT. (The mildest of mild spoilers are contained herein. Shouldn’t be too bad.)
JON SNOW! Jon Snow has my heart. Is anyone else a little perplexed that there are already pictures of Ygritte online? I’d have thought they’d hold her off until Season Three? I mean, I’m not COMPLAINING – I ADORE Ygritte – but it seems soon, no?
Ooh, creepy Varys! I mostly like this one for the quote. Varys himself makes me want to take a long hot shower. He makes my skin crawl, even when we’re given his backstory.
Ooh, look at that crown! It looks spiky and painful. I approve.
MY ARYA STARK! Seriously, I love this kid to death. Every time I come across one of her scenes in the books (and if any of you spoil me past book three, which is where I am, I’m COMING to your HOUSE and I will PUNCH YOU IN THE NECK) I just bounce all around. She is the best. So layered and true. I love that she’s not just one-dimensional. No one is, really. You THINK they are, at the beginning. That’s when George R.R. Martin TRICKS you. Then he makes you fall in LOVE with them. Dammit, Martin.
ZOMG JOFFREY! HATE HATE HAAAAAATE! I wonder if this child is going to have problems getting acting gigs after this one. I’d never cast him again. I’d see him and want to slap him twice, no matter what he was in. Stupid evil sociopath Joffrey.
Daenerys! I love my Dany. Also, I’m excited to see what they do with the dragons. If the CGI gets stupid, I’m going to get stabby.
ZOMG times TWO. Jaime! You’re right, Jaime. There ARE no men like you. More’s the pity. I’m so excited to start a season of Game of Thrones where I LOVE Jaime. Last season I loathed him. That was before I’d read three of the books. I LOVE JAIME SO SO MUCH.
And…drumroll please…the one I’ve been saving for last because ZEE OHH EMM GEEE…
I am going to squee so loud when I see Peter Dinklage on the screen again tonight that my whole house is going to echo, I swear. Poor Dumbcat’s going to be SO CONFUSED.
Yeah. I’m a little excited about my program, can you tell? Yep, it’s my program, much like Days of Our Lives is my grandmother’s program. Also, aren’t you glad you don’t live with me? I’m insufferable on Sunday nights. INSUFFERABLE.
I’m going to pre-emptively tell Ken to hush. If he’s read this far, he’s planning his sneak-attack of snark. He doesn’t care much for Game of Thrones. Really, he’s just lucky I like him so much, you know? That’s a fireable offense in some countries, I think.
OK, so April 1 is officially now to be known as Laptop Game of Thrones Day, and no longer April Fools’ Day. Thank you for your attention to this matter. How do we celebrate this occasion? Um. We…buy a laptop and watch Game of Thrones? And NO ONE fools ANYONE. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
Happy Laptop Game of Thrones Day, everyone!