He ain’t never caught a rabbit, he ain’t no friend of mine (hiccup!)

I have three things to address today. THREE! So, random crap Friday it is. Hi, you guys! How was your week, so good? I hope so. Mine was kind of up and down and up and down, like a vomitous roller coaster.


Tara at Domestic Goddess (or at least pretending to be) tagged me, and hell, I like to be tagged. I’m down for this, you jive turkeys. Let’s get it ON.

Oh, shit. There are rules. I think you all know these aren’t going to end well.

1. Post the rules. (CHECK!)
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post. (CHECK! Well, in a minute. Hold your horses and/or helper mules.)
3. Create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged. (Um…)
3. Tag eleven people and link to them on your post. (Yeah, about that…)
4. Let them know you’ve tagged them! (Heh…heh heh…)

I’ll post the rules. I’ll answer the questions. But I’m not creating new questions and I’m not tagging anyone. I realize this means I am PICKING and CHOOSING what I want to do here, and that makes me a huge asshat and who do I think I am, but I’m a loner, Dottie. A rebel. Sorry. Really, rules just make me chafe and I hate bothering people.

1.  What book do you think everyone should take the time to read (or at least try to read)? I’ve been thinking and thinking about this, and honestly? Best answer I can come up with? Either the Betty Crocker or Better Homes and Gardens cookbook. The old-timey one. There’s some intelligent stuff in there, and everyone should at least know how to cook basic things. I know. I’m a book person! What a copout answer! No, see, as a book person, I realize that books are a very subjective thing. I’d never tell anyone that they should take the time to read anything. It might not be for them. Just because I think A Prayer for Owen Meany is amazing and one of the most influential books in my life, or Cat’s Eye, or Lolita, doesn’t mean that other people would get off on them. Quite the opposite, actually. Some people might LOATHE them. And I wouldn’t think any less of them for it. Taste in literature is very subjective.

2.  What makes you happy?  Oh, so many more things than I can enumerate here. But let’s just say The Nephew. The Nephew and pudding. The Nephew, pudding, and Dumbcat. The Nephew, pudding, Dumbcat, and my friends. And theater. There. That’s enough, or I’m going to start sounding like an Academy Award recipient and I’ll get played off.

I want to eat that with my FACE. Not even with the SPOON.

3.  What song do you love (but if it weren’t for this question), but are embarrassed to admit?  I’m not overly embarrassed by my song choices, because I KNOW they’re mostly awful but I’m proud of them anyway. Let’s see. What’s one that people might think is super-embarrassing. Ooh, I know. I am totally a closet old-school Eminem fan. Like, I BOUGHT SOME OF HIS ALBUMS. I know, could I be any more embarrassing? And I STILL LIKE HIS MUSIC. Yep. Totally do. Don’t even care who knows it. I mean, I have no idea what he’s doing now, other than that duet he had with Rihanna (which I dug so much I actually purchased it, thank you very much) but I liked his earlier stuff. It made me excited and boppy.

4.  Awesome is a favorite word of mine… so what would you say makes you pretty awesome? I’m very enthusiastic about things. I am extremely loyal. I have an abnormal ability to bounce back from shit. And I make excellent baked goods.

5.  If you could have just one superpower… What would it be? I want to be able to turn back time. Not to do anything awesome with it, just so I can get more sleep and get all the things done in a day that I want to do. What, that’s a superpower, right?

6.  Along the same lines… if you were a superhero what would your name be? Zomg. That’s pronounced like the “zom” in zombie, only with a “guh” sound at the end. Andreas taught it to me yesterday and it’s the bomb, yo.

7.  What trend or fad would you like to end (and have it never come back)?  I’m torn. Either kids wearing their pants way low or that horrendous Bieber hair that looks like it would make it hard to see anything and always make you want to sneeze.

8.  What did you want to be when you grew up?  Are you doing what you thought you would be? I wanted to be a scuba-diving veterinarian. Yes. Yes, I am. I’m blogging from the Marianas Trench, performing an emergency tracheotomy on a diving hippo, as you read this.

9.  What is one thing you want to do before you die? I’m good. I don’t like to talk about these things. I think it jinxes them.

10. What animal best shows your personality? Hmm. Is Tigger an animal? He’s a TIGER but I think I’m more a TIGGER. I’m going to say a Tigger.

Shut up, you wish you had this much enthusiasm for all the things.

11.  What post have you written do you think should not missed? ALL OF THEM. No, seriously, I don’t know. You guys choose, I never know which ones are the best. Ken being a world traveling bon vivant was a great day. The bullying post went over well and was totally cathartic. People seem to like Helper Mule. I’d link to those but I’m very tired. Do a search, there’s a search box on here somewhere. I’ve been writing every day for almost a year now, though, so you guys choose. What’s the best?


sj and Meg over at Snobbery gave me ANOTHER AWARD! Oh, you guys. I’m going to start getting a complex.

It is the BEAUTIFUL BLOGGER AWARD. Probably there’s been a mistake, but don’t tell anyone. I like to win an awful lot.

Are there rules? Yep.

  • Thank the person who gave you the award (THANK YOU sj and Meg!!!!)
  • Paste the award on your blog (I can’t, I’ll explain why in a minute)
  • Link the person who nominated you for the award (did that above, BAM)
  • Nominate 7 bloggers or less (um…nope)
  • Post links to the 7 blogs you nominated (again, nope)

I love awards. Love them! But, as I’ve mentioned in the past, I can never accept them. Because they mean I have to go all old-school gym class and choose other bloggers to give them to, and, subsequently, leave bloggers out. And I refuse to do so.

So as much as I LOVE AWARDS and I LOVE WINNING and I LOVE Snobbery (and you all should go check them out, I am so happy sj found me, we have had such fun getting to know each other and she is just the best, and I love the blog so much!) I cannot accept the award. IT IS NOT BECAUSE I AM AN ASSHOLE. It is because I don’t like to leave other kids out of kickball because I can’t deal with the little sad-faces. Please forgive.


Jim brought THIS to my attention yesterday. (Oh, can I just tell you a quick story about Jim? Jim was all NO NO NO I HATE FACEBOOK but he totally joined Facebook last week, OSTENSIBLY to publicize his blog? And you can’t even imagine how much Jim is winning Facebook right now. I don’t even mean on his blog page. On his PERSONAL page. He gets like HUNDREDS of comments when he posts something. JIM WINS FACEBOOK. He’s totally the most popular guy at the school dance, I’m not even kidding. It is DAZZLING to behold.)

You didn’t click that link, did you? That’s ok. I love your predictability.

A man in Montana brought his Pomeranian to a bar. The Pomeranian couldn’t walk straight. When the bar employees were all, “WTF, dude?” he said he’d given it a “to-go cup” of vodka.

Why exactly he thought this was a good idea is not explained. Maybe he just didn’t want to drink alone, I don’t know his life.

The cops were called. They arrested the guy, who SOMEHOW ended up standing next to an bag full of hydrocodone in the parking lot. They were totally someone else’s. HE WAS RAILROADED!!! The dog tested at .348 blood alcohol content – the state’s legal limit is .008.

The report Jim watched actually had the reporter saying “the dog was too intoxicated to drive” which makes me laugh SO HARD but I can’t find that exact report. I like to imagine the dog driving, all propped up on phone books. Like Toonces the Driving Cat from old Saturday Night Live episodes, only a little drunk dog.

Only imagine it a drunk Pomeranian. What, it's totally funny.

I don’t really have a moral to this story. I just thought you all should know. Don’t give your Pomeranian a full to-go cup of vodka. Those damn yappy dogs, they totally can’t hold their liquor, and you might end up going to jail because of them. Man’s best friend, my ass.

I know he LOOKS friendly and he's all, "Come on, dude, just a COUPLE SIPS" but he will rat you out in a MINUTE. Damn stoolpigeon dog.

Have a happy weekend, my littlest chickadees! I totally have all the plans and schemes. Two plans and one HUGE GIGANTIC SCHEME I’ve been plotting for a week that’s going to be the best. When I finally finish it, that is. Attention span of a gnat, this one.

Love your faces. Enjoy not-working for a couple of days, will you?

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

20 responses to “He ain’t never caught a rabbit, he ain’t no friend of mine (hiccup!)

  • sj

    I CAN NOT STOP LAUGHING ABOUT THE DOG! Oh, it’s sad and all, but HOW SMART HE WAS to plant the pills next to the dude! hahahahaha!

    We really do heart you and think you’re a beautiful blogger (whatever that is, we’re really not sure), but YOU’RE IT! I also don’t mind that you didn’t pass things on because I kind of hate doing it myself. I really hold onto those suckers for days when I have nothing else to post.

    Your best posts are the conversations with your Dad. All of them.


    • lucysfootball

      OMG. No, ZZZZOMG. I didn’t even THINK that the dog planted the pills! I just thought it was funny the dude was all “those aren’t MINE they’re just ON THE GROUND NEXT TO ME.” That’s a missed opportunity for funny, right there! I am KICKING myself!

      I am very tired from the worst day ever. Am I it because I was tagged and didn’t tag someone else? Or are you saying “you’re it” because I misspelled something somewhere in my post? Or is there a third option I have not considered? I didn’t sleep well last night. Please forgive my fuzzy-headedness. Too much schemery flying around in my brain-area.

      I have a soft spot for Dad conversation posts, too. He’s the best source of the funny, no question.


      • sj

        It was a third option. “I’m not sure what a beautiful blogger is, but IT’S YOU!”

        I’m POSITIVE that the dog planted the pills on the dude so that he didn’t get busted with them. Drunk dogs definitely have the foresight to plant illegal substances on patsys. Now I’m wondering if the guy even got the dog drunk, or if he was too embarrassed at having been overpowered by a pomeranian, so that was just a story he made up.


        • lucysfootball

          See, I was too tired to even think of the third option. WHOO what a day.

          Man, those pomeranians! They are the most sneaky. I’m glad I like big dogs. They’d never rat you out to the MAN.


  • blogginglily

    yeah. . . it was on our local news. . . WTAE, channel 4 ACTION news. Michelle Wright said it. “4 times the legal driving limit,” she said, as if a Pomeranian could legally take the wheel when sober. Dumbass.

    I don’t know if I have a favorite. I can’t remember the post or two that hooked me. I’ll have to go back and look. And thank you for gushing about me. I feed off of attention!


    • lucysfootball

      I like that you have ACTION news. That must be exciting, all that ACTION. We don’t have ACTION here. Which is funny. We’re the state capital, you’d think there would be more of that.

      Aw, I hooked you? How awesome is that? I didn’t even know how lucky I was at the time! I remember when you first commented. I think it was on the post where I was geeking out over WordPress and you were saying how you were going to stick with Blogger and I was all, “NEW COMMENTER I DON’T KNOW YAY!” and gave you many helpful tips, which you promptly ignored. And thus has our friendship progressed similarly. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

      I’ll gush over you til I’m dead. Also, we ALL feed off attention. I think that’s why we’re here. If we didn’t get attention we’d die like Sea Monkeys.


  • Rich Crete

    Gotta love the old timey cookbooks, in which each recipe calls for 1 can of cream of mushroom soup. Which of course makes every recipe taste like 1 can of cream of mushroom soup. Which is fine except that there really aren’t many things as disgusting as 1 can of cream of mushroom soup.

    Hard to pick a fav post but I would lean to the Evils of Rudolph because it showed me I wasn’t alone in understanding that this is the absolute worst children’s story with the worst messages in the history of ever.

    (Oh and I AM very proud of your restraint yesterday with assface)


    • lucysfootball

      I like cream of mushroom soup! With a grilled cheese sandwich? So yum!

      Oh, I loved that Rudolph post! I’d forgotten about that one! Thank you!

      Thank you! That was tough, all that high-road taking, you know? But it was nice. I feel good about that.


  • lahikmajoe

    ‘all the plans and schemes’?

    That’s exciting, isn’t it? I’ve started imagining what the two plans might be. And the ‘HUGE GIGANTIC SCHEME’? Wow. That’s like a holiday post in the making.

    It’s all for April Fool’s Day, isn’t it? I know that’s your very favourite day. The very best of all, right?

    Not sure what I think of the ‘too drunk to drive’ Pomeranian, but there’s a troll in the comments of the link you sent, and he’s reminded me why I normally don’t read comments on such sites.


    • lucysfootball

      I hate The Smoking Gun, but their article was more in-depth than the others I read so I had to use it. I’m not surprised there’s a troll in the comments. There’s usually a troll writing the posts, too.

      One plan is the laptop. That’s happening Sunday. One plan is something I’m not talking about yet. Too early. And the scheme? Oh, you wait. Just you wait.

      Yes, yes. I do so love April Fool’s Day. And do you know WHY? Do you know WHY I love it so much? Well, it’s Season Two premiere of Game of Thrones day, that’s why, of course. I ordered my HBO today. I’m good to go.


  • jbrown3079

    We have some of the old Betty Crocker cookbooks. They have recipes for turnips and such. And a complete contempt for margarine. Some of the recipies are still usable. Oh, and no mention of trans fats either. I want to go back there. A time when your doctor smoked.


  • Domestic Goddess in Training

    I like old school Eminem as well, but I never realized that I was supposed to be embarrassed… Shows you that I am getting old.
    Thanks for being a great sport! I love getting to know other bloggers better! I also hate passing these things, but I loved the idea of passing the questions and learning some fun things about some blogging friends!


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