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Oh, I’d like to see a mule as good as Sal.

So, I had a very important updatey conversation with my dad last night about everyone’s favorite blog topic.

NO, not the missing balloon. He won’t talk about that anymore. He thinks the government took it. We’re not allowed to talk about that.

HELPER MULE!

So, as you’ll all remember, a little over a month ago, my dad’s friend was waiting for the delivery of his helper mule. If you don’t remember, I’ve totally included the link above. You can click! There are animal photos, it’s really the best.

Since then, Helper Mule really has gotten quite a following. People want to know what’s going ON with Helper Mule! People want to know if he’s arrived! What he LOOKS like! If he’s…well…HELPFUL!

Luckily, we have my dad to answer all our burning questions.

I’ve been asking all month, on and off. Helper Mule was delayed for reasons unknown to anyone. Something about shipping? And difficulty getting a horse trailer? I assume because there’s no such thing as a Helper Mule trailer, that’s just way too specific of an item. sj was sure that the whole thing was a scam, perpetrated by the Russians. (She would, however, like you all to know she has nothing against Russians. It’s just that, in her head, the people who are scamming my dad’s friend HAPPEN to be Russian, not that ALL Russians are scammy.) I was kind of in agreement. I floated this theory past my dad, who ALSO thought maybe the Helper Mule thing was a scam. However, he thinks everyone’s in cahoots with everyone, so this really wasn’t much of a coup for me. I could tell him I saw an article that said the Mounties were working with the CIA on a spaceship to kill all the rhinoceroses and he’d be all, “Yep, sounds like them, the bastards.”

Also, Dad’s friend hired some guy to come over and build a Helper Mule barn and paddock but the guy never showed. I feel kind of bad for Dad’s friend. He’s getting screwed six ways to Sunday, here.

SO, a couple of days ago, Dad told me: HELPER MULE IS HERE!

Me: Any news on Helper Mule?
Dad: It’s here.
Me: WHAT? You didn’t START the conversation with that? I can’t believe you. It’s like I don’t even know you. Or YOU don’t even know ME.
Dad: Yeah, I’ll drive by sometime this week and check it out for you.
Me: Will you take PICTURES?
Dad: I’m not taking pictures of a mule.
Me: A HELPER mule. He’d probably help you focus it and everything. Pose for you. Helpfully. In his best light.
Dad: I’ll tell you what it looks like. That’s it.
Me: What if you ask your FRIEND to send you photos of the mule? Tell him the mule is famous on the internet. Tell him it has a twitter hashtag sometimes, and a whole blog post was written about it. I can’t imagine he wouldn’t send the photos THEN.
Dad: Um. I’m not telling him that. What the hell is a hashtag.
Me: It’s…this is not easy to explain. On Twitter, when you are talking about something, sometimes you put a pound sign in front of the topic? And then if people want, they can click that, and see who else is talking about it. And if ENOUGH people are talking about it, it’s one of the Trending Topics. So then you’re totally the most famous.
Dad: Um.
Me: I told you it’s really hard to explain.
Dad: I’m not telling him that.

So the next day…

Me: DID YOU SEE IT DID YOU SEE IT?
Dad: You know I’m watching basketball, right?
Me: HELPER MUUUUULE!
Dad: (sigh) Yes. It’s red. It’s supposedly red and white, but I didn’t see any white.
Me: Is its name Sal?
Dad: What the hell is wrong with you. Why would its name be Sal?
Me: Because of the Erie Canal Song, of course. If you have a mule and its name ISN’T Sal, you’re really missing an opportunity to sing it an awesome song.
Dad: I didn’t talk to him. I just drove by. There’s a red mule standing in a corral.
Me: See, also Sal rhymes with corral. Maybe it had white feet. Did you see its feet?
Dad: NO. I just DROVE BY. Its feet were in the mud.
Me: There’s already mud? That mule’s only been there one day. Sheesh. Is it the size of a horse or a donkey?
Dad: Between those two sizes.
Me: Did it look helpful?
Dad: It looked like a red mule, standing in a muddy corral.
Me: This isn’t a lot to go on. Go see it tomorrow. Take photos. THE INTERNET NEEDS TO KNOW.
Dad: I’m sending your uncle over to take photos. I told him about the hash browns.
Me: I…what? What hashbrowns? Are you going to buy him hashbrowns if he takes photos? That’s nice of you, everyone likes hashbrowns.
Dad: The internet hashbrowns so you can be famous about Helper Mules.
Me: ZOMG HASHTAGS.
Dad: That’s what I said.
Me: If the internet has hashbrowns, they’ve been holding back. I totally want some internet hashbrowns right now.

TODAY!

Me: So, what’s the scoop, old man?
Dad: I told you if you call me that, I’m hanging up. That’s very disrespectful of your loving father.
Me: FINE. What’s the mule news, youngish fella?
Dad: Not much better and it sounded forced. I saw the mule today.
Me: WHAT? You DID? Tell me ALL ABOUT IT.
Dad: Its name is Chief.
Me: What? “Got me a mule and its name is Chief?” THAT SUCKS. It doesn’t rhyme with ANYTHING in the song.
Dad: Well, don’t tell the mule that. It would hurt the mule’s feelings.
Me: Fine, I’ll keep that on the down low from the mule. I understand, I hate my name, too. Was it SO SO HELPFUL?
Dad: Wait, you hate your NAME? We GAVE you that name.
Me: That’s not the point. WAS THE MULE HELPFUL?
Dad: Um.
Me: What, um.
Dad: It won’t let anyone near it.
Me: WHAT?
Dad: It’s like it’s not a tame mule. It’s like a wild mule. It’s scared of people.
Me: So, what, he goes out there to have the mule kneel down to let him ride it and…
Dad: It runs away.
Me: LIKE DUMBCAT!
Dad: Yeah. It’s about as helpful as Dumbcat, I think.
Me: Wait. Do you think it’s just being stubborn? Because aren’t mules supposed to be stubborn?
Dad: No. It’s scared. And not tamed. Or trained to be at all helpful.
Me: OH THIS IS THE WORST. He totally got scammed! I know we’ve been saying that but I was so hoping it wasn’t true. Then the mule showed up and I thought for sure it was all going to be alright!
Dad: Nope. It’s not even a LITTLE helpful. Also, its ears don’t point in the same direction, so it looks foolish. I mean, from what I could see. Mostly all I saw was it running away, and peeking out from behind the barn.
Me: ZOMG it is TOTALLY the Dumbcat of mules. So what now?
Dad: I don’t know. Maybe it’ll calm down. If not, he’s got to get rid of it. But he can’t.
Me: What? Why? He could call the Russians and demand a refund or something.
Dad: In a strange turn of events, his wife has fallen in love with the mule.
Me: WHAT?
Dad: She said she wanted nothing to do with the mule, but now that it’s here, she gets up every morning early and tries to make friends with it and talks to it over the fence.
Me: OF COURSE SHE DOES. Anyone would! That’s what you DO with a scared animal. Much respect for his classy wife. OOH LISTEN.
Dad: Not much good ever came from you using that tone of voice.
Me: I am VERY GOOD with animals. They LOVE me. At the shelter, I was the BEST with the scared animals.
Dad: Yeah…
Me: So this SUMMER, I can totally Helper Mule Whisper that mule.
Dad: I don’t think that’s a thing.
Me: It will be once I do it. They might make a movie about me.
Dad: The Helper Mule Whisperer?
Me: YES. It will be a runaway smash hit and I will become SO SO FAMOUS. Also, smaller-picture-wise, I’ll get to see that mule.
Dad: You might be a little obsessed with this mule right now.
Me: IT IS RED AND I LIKE THINGS THAT ARE POTENTIALLY HELPFUL AND ALSO ANIMALS. You know that.
Dad: Yes, yes, I do. Oh, when I was there, I told him how famous his mule was.
Me: You DID? What did you say?
Dad: I told him you had a blog where you tell the internet all your personal business and someday it will get you murdered by a crazy, and also you’re on that Tweeter all the time, and that there are hashbrown tags.
Me: Getting better on the hashtags. I appreciate the effort. What did he say?
Dad: Not much. I think he was confused.
Me: It’s a little confusing. I’ll agree with that.
Dad: I also told him you said its name should be Sally, but he said that’s stupid since it’s a boy.
Me: SAL. Not Sally. “I got me a mule and its name is Sally, fifteen miles on the Erie Canally?” That doesn’t even make SENSE.
Dad: I also think he thought I was making most of how famous Helper Mule is on the internet up.
Me: Yeah. I sometimes think I am, too. It’s pretty far-fetched and too awesome to be real, most days. So, wait, did you take photos?
Dad:  No. He said he was going to send me some. So I guess he’s ok that Helper Mule is famous on the internet. But I think his wife would be really mad if some crazy stalker killed Helper Mule because of your blog, so don’t tell anyone where Helper Mule lives.
Me: He wouldn’t get in a kidnapper’s van, anyway. TOO SCARED.
Dad: Good point. Smart move, Helper Mule.
Me: See? He’s already helpful. He’s helping internet stalkers not get their hands on an awesome thing. I KNEW HELPER MULE HAD A PURPOSE.

SO! Hopefully, if all goes well, we MIGHT have Helper Mule photos before the week is out. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Also, I’m kind of hoping Helper Mule calms down. For two reasons: a., poor Dad’s friend, with his high hopes for being helped even though I’m not sure why he needs a mule, and now he got scammed! and b., if Helper Mule doesn’t shape up, I might not get to see him over the summer, and how sad would that be? The MOST sad, is how sad!

UPDATE UPDATE UPDAAAATE!

So late in the day today I got an email from Dad. No text, just THIS attached. He’s a man of few words when it comes to typing, my dad.

Ladies, gentlemen, and whatever YOU are, Ding Dong Joe, I bring you:

CHIEF THE HELPER MULE WHO EITHER HATES OR IS TOO SCARED TO HELP.

I think he looks worried. And sad. Doesn’t he have totally sad eyes? Also, he’s kind of knock-kneed. I don’t think his ears look so weird, though, DAD. I think you made that part up to be funny.

Let’s end on happier note: here is a painting of a mule being helpful and carrying a pooper scooper that I totally found on the interwebs for you because I LOVE YOU.

According to her website, you can buy her mule paintings on Etsy. I know what Dad's getting his FRIEND for Christmas!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

29 responses to “Oh, I’d like to see a mule as good as Sal.

  • sj

    ZOMSG, THIS IS THE BEST POST EVER!

    Amy, you totally win the internet forever and ever. So does hashbrown Helper Mule. My kids are all scared now because I could not stop laughing and was covering my mouth to keep from cackling too loudly and how do I explain a Helper Mule to a five year old?!

    Erie canally, omg, can not stop laughing!

    Chief is a stupid name for a Helper Mule, not gonna lie, and I’M SO MAD AT THOSE RUSSIANS!!!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      YAY! I’ve been sitting on this info for DAYS and I so wanted to tell you but I wanted to surprise you with a whole well-plotted out post with photos and such instead so I was totally biting my tongue every time we talked over the past few days DYING to tell you that HELPER MULE WAS UNHELPFUL because I KNEW you’d laugh so hard. It was not an easy task. I’m very good at keeping secrets, but it gives me heartburn.

      Like

      • sj

        You are AMAZING at keeping secrets, I don’t know how you sat on this goldmine for so long. Hats off to you, good lady.

        God, I just feel so sad that Helper Mule is unhelpful, and that those conniving Russians bilked this poor disabled vet out of his thousands of dollars.

        Dude, though, seriously. You have to ask your dad what kind of help he was EXPECTING TO GET from this mule, because other than the door kicking in and that whole scenario my husband laid out when I told him…I got nothin’.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I think the only help was kneeling down, letting the guy get on, and then riding him around. I don’t know to WHERE, though. Neither does Dad. Around the corral? It’s all very vague and confusing.

          And now we’ll never know, because the mule doesn’t even HELP! Argh.

          I know, right? I think more people should tell me high-level secrets. Look how awesome I am at keeping them. I currently am keeping a NUMBER of high-level secrets. Even TORTURE wouldn’t get them out of me. (Honestly, I usually end up forgetting I’m keeping them unless I write myself a note.)

          Like

  • jatplay

    another delightfully insane post….btw – it might make sense to change your comment warning above for this post since most posts about HELPER MULE will be, by definition, jackassery

    Like

  • blogginglily

    mules ears point whatever direction they’re trying to listen to. . . the move independently of one another, so his ears going two different directions may make him seem foolish. . . but he is listening to EVERY. THING. YOU. SAY.

    Helper Mule Update totally made me Laugh (ol).

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Yay! I made Jim laugh! WIN!

      I told Dad you know ALL ABOUT HORSES (and by extension mules) and that you knew about the ears and he just said “Huh. WELL IT LOOKED WEIRD.”

      So there you have it: the truth, according to Amy’s Dad.

      Like

  • Rich Crete

    I’m all nervous just making the announcement.
    And the WINNER of the award for funniest thing to appear in a blog so far this year goes to………………..fumbles with the envelope………….still fumbling……………..ohforgawdsake……………………..errrrrrrrrrrgstillfumbling…………….openthefuckingthingalready………………..there!……………the winner is ………Amy’s Dad for Hashbrowns!
    (wild audience applause)
    (I can only hope he doesn’t forget the imaginary little people during his acceptance speech)

    Like

    • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

      You win for “best comment ever”! :-)

      Like

    • lucysfootball

      He wouldn’t even show up at the ceremony. He hates people looking at him. That’s why he won’t go to plays. He’s CONVINCED that if he goes to a play, people will make him get up on stage and act. I keep TELLING him that doesn’t happen, that the actors do THEIR job and the audience does THEIR job and no one expects the audience to act but I think he saw it on a TV show once where there was audience participation in a play and it SCARRED HIM FOR LIIIIIFE.

      Like

  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    Oh gosh! Truly LOL blog, today! I love your conversations with your dad!

    I hope Chief/Sal/Sally/Whatever stops being afraid and starts being happy and helpful, soon. For his sake and for your dad’s friend’s sake.

    Thanks for the laugh! (I’m still smiling!)

    Like

  • elaine4queen

    he looks like a nice beast.

    though he may be a spy of some sort. his legs look painted on.

    Like

  • jbrown3079

    The hashbrowns. PERFECT. I like that way better than hashtags. I can’t wait for the next episode of Helper Mule and Dad.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I wonder if there will be one? I hope Helper Mule shapes up! Dad told me tonight that my uncle took some photos so there might be some more photos upcoming! Fingers crossed!

      Like

  • Bronwyn

    i need internet hashbrowns the MOST!!! :D i really hope Helper Mule turns out to be ridiculously helpful – once he gets over his nerves – and effectively scams the scammers!! :D

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Dad does NOT have high hopes for Helper Mule’s helperosity. But he assured me tonight that the owner’s wife is just so in love with him, and the mule has started to respond to her kindness. So maybe there’s hope yet? Poor Helper Mule. I just want to give him a cuddle.

      Like

  • JamieRene

    (A) Nice use of douchecanoe, I love that you found a way for it to be at the bottom of each post – I also think there’s potential for a PSA “Hey kids! Stop, think, and don’t be a douchecanoe!!” This would be appropriately aired before AND after anything related to that Bieber thingy.
    (B) I fully identify with the neighbor’s wife. This is why my boyfriend won’t allow any more animals near our house – because I would love the antithesis-of-helper mule solely because it wouldn’t be my friend
    (C) Something about mules carrying their own pooper scoopers makes me feel sad – especially helper mules. They help so many, who’s helping them I ask you??

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Ha! Thank you! I’d wear a douchecanoe t-shirt daily, if allowed. It needs to be said.

      I am the same way! If an animal doesn’t want me near it, I want to win over that animal. Same way with small children. The more afraid of me they are, the more I want them to NOT be afraid, which leads to me probably scaring them more by trying to win them over. It’s an endless cycle of weirdness on my part.

      That mule was a little sad. No Helper Mule should have to clean up its own poo. It already helps enough.

      Like

  • Meg

    I think elaine4queen is on to something here.

    Have you considered that he’s a satellite mule, sent in by the Russians to spy on your father’s friend, nay, the entire country?!

    Or maybe, he’s a double agent mule? And he’s fighting in a mule war, against the Dark Haired Muledemort…

    OR MAYBE he has amnesia, and that’s why he’s so skittish! Don’t get too close – he’s probably conveniently retained all his super-ninja-CIA-skillz, and he plans to bring down the people who trained him.

    The possibilities are endless. One thing’s for certain, though – he’s clearly Russian.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’d better not tell my dad any of this. He sees conspiracies EVERYWHERE. If I tell him this, he’ll never visit Helper Mule again, and I really am relying on his front-line Helper Mule reporting.

      He does look Russian. That’s a mule who likes his vodka. You can tell.

      Like

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